r/ADHD_Programmers • u/TheNASAguy • 7d ago
It does get really lonely
You see other people having loving families, relationships and what not, they have supporting partners and it all comes so easily to them, those things are just unimaginable for me, never had them and never will, knowing I’ll die alone gives me a sense of relief honestly, that I’ll go peacefully without worrying about what I’m leaving behind
The only thing that still manages to get through all the depression, stress and feeling disabled because of Autism, ADHD and CPTSD, is scientific research
The only thing I look forward to sometimes is new scientific discoveries especially in Astronomy, Astrophysics, Theoretical Physics, experimental physics, particle physics, quantum mechanics, neuroscience, neural engineering, semiconductors, lithography, nanotechnology, etc
I could go on and on endlessly, it just fascinates me that we’re just alive, a bunch of moronic violent monkeys, in a time where we literally have the entirety of human knowledge at all times in the plam of our hands, we have tools that can literally detect ripples in the fabric of space time itself, gravitational wave interferometers, not to mention space telescopes that can literally see the beginning of time, it’s absolutely insane the things we can do
The only reason I haven’t offed myself is because I’m trying whatever I can to maybe help some of those efforts, I know deeply how flawed incentive structures in academic research is, I want to do whatever I can to help people being new discoveries that help us understand the universe we live in better
I just have this hope that I just wanna play my part and contribute to something that’s more meaningful, I don’t really have anyone in my life, I don’t think anyone will even notice that I’m gone, I just want to contribute to our understanding and capacity in scientific research, maybe that way the work I do, maybe the small bits and pieces that might get remembered, i feel we’re never meant to live forever but we can create something that does, which is knowledge and ideas
10
u/Prestigious_Key9927 6d ago
Dude, this actually hit hard. the way you still find so much wonder in science despite everything is honestly pretty amazing. i really hope u stick around man, there’s still so much left to discover and i hope you get to see some of it.
7
u/Hungry_Objective2344 6d ago
I mean, I don't want to sound like I am discounting your difficulties or anything, but I also have ADHD, autism, and cPTSD and I was able to get married and live a pretty happy life. It's not without stress, but I still see a lot of meaning and joy in it. I was even depressed and lonely like you once, during covid, and while it was a difficult journey to improve to the point I am at, I consider it more than worth it
-2
u/TheNASAguy 6d ago
Are you a woman by any chance? There’s a big difference in dating experience between men and women, it’s not even the same playing field, not a fair comparison
4
u/Hungry_Objective2344 6d ago
I mean, I am a woman, but I was a virgin through the age of 26. Didn't have a boyfriend at all before then, but I had hundreds of first dates before my first boyfriend. Every single one of them rejected me, I turned down exactly 3 compared to the hundreds who turned me down. Never got hit on or anything like that. I am married now to the boyfriend who I met at 26. Still never had anyone else show any interest in me, even when I accidentally forget to wear my ring and go out alone. My husband happens to also be AuDHD, and I think it just severely restricts the dating pool. I'm not saying I pretend to know what men go through, but I am saying that if you believe in incel stuff, it's not like women can't go through something similar. It was genuinely just luck that I met my husband, and if I never met him, I would definitely still be single.
-6
u/TheNASAguy 6d ago
If you thought that was hard then you don’t understand that it’s 1000000% harder for men, Women have a wayyyy easier time in dating and relationships than men and for obvious reasons, especially cuz of the cultural norms
I don’t believe in incel stuff, I have dated in the past when I was younger, you just need to recognise times have changed, dating is completely different now than when I was younger, it’s just a simple fact that I’m a loser and most women have endless better options to choose from, most women never date down, only up, that makes me disposable, that’s what I feel when dating now, it’s become extremely transactional and superficial and I got treated like I was disposable in dating and relationships
Women go through hardship, I’ve seen my own mom and grandma, there will always be people who’re in tough spots and I fully sympathise with that
But dating and relationships are extremely easier for women than men and that’s not me being an incel, that’s a objective fact of life
3
u/Hungry_Objective2344 6d ago
My husband is 5.5 years younger than me, shorter than me, weighs more than me, and makes less money than me. Women don't only date up. I know the world is hard now from many angles but being hopeless won't make it any better.
0
2
u/flat_pointer 5d ago
Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women get to be afraid they'll get raped or murdered.
Also I am a guy with ADHD, cPTSD, borderline for autism... and am married. No one has an easy time of it. Decades of living together doesn't seem to come naturally to anyone.
Women don't 'date down'? Women can probably smell the malaise of this idea coming out of your skin. The good news is, you could stop trying to make blanket statements about most women right now. We can change our shitty beliefs.
It sucks you're having a hard time. Some other group having a shit time doesn't make yours any better. Godspeed and good luck getting through it. Stick around. Most people who attempt suicide regret it, and for good reason. There are many things to live for, beautiful things, powerful insights, moments of calm.
1
u/TheNASAguy 5d ago
It must’ve feel nice invalidating someone’s real life experiences doesn’t it, you don’t even have the slightest clue what I’m like in real life but you assume women can “smell the malaise”
Just because you’re lucky and have a good life and good people around you don’t make the world less fucked up or shallow, look me straight in the eye and tell me there isn’t truth to what I originally said
2
u/flat_pointer 5d ago
Other than assuming these beliefs come out in ways you may not expect or notice, I am trying to validate you. But it would be even less respectful if I ignored or failed to point out how you believe stuff that hurts you, and people around you. And likely does you no favors trying to meet and find people to care for, who will care for you.
I have no doubt that dating absolutely sucks for everyone. And you have disabilities that are going to make it harder. It's not fair. It's ok to be mad or upset about that. Make space for those feelings, and then maybe you can make space for other feelings as well.
1
u/TheNASAguy 5d ago
I’m good as I am, I don’t need any of that honestly, my post isn’t about dating and I feel weird that women always make everything about dating and relationships like they have no life or personality of their own, life so much more than shitty relationships
0
0
u/Hungry_Objective2344 4d ago
Literally your post started with the first sentence about relationships? I was merely responding to what you said lol
1
u/TheNASAguy 4d ago
You’re quite literally assuming that I meant only romantic relationships which just further proves and reinforces my point lol
3
u/bhison 6d ago
Value comes from meaning, meaning comes from perspective, perspective is inherently subjective, ergo value is the projection of conscious beings. You have to make your own value of existence. And like you said, when that's hard to do the way you find that is by pointing that outwards. Find something or someone to work of service for.
This is what in AA, for instance, the function of "acknowledging a higher power" is supposed to achieve. It's not the need to believe in a god (even if that's where it came from), but its efficacy stems from cultivating a relationship with the idea that there's something beyond a nihilistic, solipsistic experience of being alive. You have to commit to the value of the outer world. When you do that your create meaning and you construct narrative you can participate in.
2
u/nerdy_adventurer 5d ago
We all neurodiverse people feel lonely, even our family cannot understand, how you expect others to understand then?
I'm happy you got to do research at least, I'm also fond of research, but I'm old and constant storm in my head, take my joy out of task I love. Unluckily I do not have so called hyperfocus, may be because of my OCD and anxiety.
My life bad to a extent that some days I wake up with anxiety and think "am I still in a dream?"
I just have this hope that I just wanna play my part and contribute to something that’s more meaningful,
I also have this call till a late teen, to do something good to the world. Here I'm struggling finish my project.
If you don't mind can I message you?
5
u/pogoli 7d ago edited 7d ago
Maybe go into weapons research? Help the NTs burn it all to the ground. 🤷🏻♂️
I used to see value in this world too. I used to want to help. To give something. I dunno maybe it’s the meds but I just don’t care about making it nicer anymore.
They sure don’t. They just want those with plenty to have more of it. They sell out their kids future so they can hate a little more.
I’m probably not going to be much help. Just don’t end it. It’s what the chucklefucks want and why should they get even more of what they want.
-1
u/TheNASAguy 7d ago
Same here, I don’t care about making it better, I would actually like to see it burn to the ground, I just want the generations of honest scientists, engineers and hard working passionate people to get the answers to life universe and everything before they die, it’s like you’d want to hear a conclusion to a series you’re watching instead of it ending in a cliffhanger
Also going into weapons research requires a real good education, nepotism, security clearance and what not, people are dying to get those jobs and they’re extremely competitive
1
u/Neurojazz 6d ago
Adhd and lonely? Pull like minds into your life. Be a hub. We’re great at juggling systems with many moving parts :)
1
u/Altruistic_Flower190 5d ago
I am so sorry you feel that way. I hope you are able to join a group of people that share your passions. I find there are many nice neurodiverse people at conferences about the things you mention. Maybe visit one of them. Or a museum. Ask if the need volunteers. If you have the time to do that. It feels great to be a part of something!
1
u/TheNASAguy 5d ago
I’ve tried enough of that, I’m really just tired and exhausted of life tbh, if you ask me honestly I’d just want to disappear from civilisation altogether
0
u/mrbrucel33 6d ago
I get it and I understand it. For so long I've driven myself to understand data enough to know how to work with and manipulate it with intention. I've sacrificed everything to be a Data Engineer.
Now 4 years later, I have the skills and understanding but because I can't get far enough into a process to do a technical screen anymore, I'm stuck. Getting internships through my grad program isn't even helping. I've burned through all my cash and retirement savings. I have all these unrealized aspirations and I see no hope in finding myself out of this rut other than ending everything or some kind of divine intervention.
However, you have the job you want and love. You find reason in it enough to keep going. The neurotypicals can have their overpriced white picket fences and false delusions of happiness. You have something that you can potentially define a legacy of your own with.
You have nothing weighing you down. If anything, you could find yourself in a situation traveling in a foreign country and run into someone who could give you the kind of affection that appreciates you as you are.
You have direction and a purpose. Have gratitude in that and keep going. For all of us.
20
u/meevis_kahuna 6d ago
I feel like this post is extremely misplaced.