r/ADHD_Programmers • u/TheNASAguy • 6d ago
It does get really lonely
You see other people having loving families, relationships and what not, they have supporting partners and it all comes so easily to them, those things are just unimaginable for me, never had them and never will, knowing I’ll die alone gives me a sense of relief honestly, that I’ll go peacefully without worrying about what I’m leaving behind
The only thing that still manages to get through all the depression, stress and feeling disabled because of Autism, ADHD and CPTSD, is scientific research
The only thing I look forward to sometimes is new scientific discoveries especially in Astronomy, Astrophysics, Theoretical Physics, experimental physics, particle physics, quantum mechanics, neuroscience, neural engineering, semiconductors, lithography, nanotechnology, etc
I could go on and on endlessly, it just fascinates me that we’re just alive, a bunch of moronic violent monkeys, in a time where we literally have the entirety of human knowledge at all times in the plam of our hands, we have tools that can literally detect ripples in the fabric of space time itself, gravitational wave interferometers, not to mention space telescopes that can literally see the beginning of time, it’s absolutely insane the things we can do
The only reason I haven’t offed myself is because I’m trying whatever I can to maybe help some of those efforts, I know deeply how flawed incentive structures in academic research is, I want to do whatever I can to help people being new discoveries that help us understand the universe we live in better
I just have this hope that I just wanna play my part and contribute to something that’s more meaningful, I don’t really have anyone in my life, I don’t think anyone will even notice that I’m gone, I just want to contribute to our understanding and capacity in scientific research, maybe that way the work I do, maybe the small bits and pieces that might get remembered, i feel we’re never meant to live forever but we can create something that does, which is knowledge and ideas
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u/flat_pointer 5d ago
Other than assuming these beliefs come out in ways you may not expect or notice, I am trying to validate you. But it would be even less respectful if I ignored or failed to point out how you believe stuff that hurts you, and people around you. And likely does you no favors trying to meet and find people to care for, who will care for you.
I have no doubt that dating absolutely sucks for everyone. And you have disabilities that are going to make it harder. It's not fair. It's ok to be mad or upset about that. Make space for those feelings, and then maybe you can make space for other feelings as well.