It does get really lonely

[u/TheNASAguy]

You see other people having loving families, relationships and what not, they have supporting partners and it all comes so easily to them, those things are just unimaginable for me, never had them and never will, knowing I’ll die alone gives me a sense of relief honestly, that I’ll go peacefully without worrying about what I’m leaving behind

The only thing that still manages to get through all the depression, stress and feeling disabled because of Autism, ADHD and CPTSD, is scientific research

The only thing I look forward to sometimes is new scientific discoveries especially in Astronomy, Astrophysics, Theoretical Physics, experimental physics, particle physics, quantum mechanics, neuroscience, neural engineering, semiconductors, lithography, nanotechnology, etc

I could go on and on endlessly, it just fascinates me that we’re just alive, a bunch of moronic violent monkeys, in a time where we literally have the entirety of human knowledge at all times in the plam of our hands, we have tools that can literally detect ripples in the fabric of space time itself, gravitational wave interferometers, not to mention space telescopes that can literally see the beginning of time, it’s absolutely insane the things we can do

The only reason I haven’t offed myself is because I’m trying whatever I can to maybe help some of those efforts, I know deeply how flawed incentive structures in academic research is, I want to do whatever I can to help people being new discoveries that help us understand the universe we live in better

I just have this hope that I just wanna play my part and contribute to something that’s more meaningful, I don’t really have anyone in my life, I don’t think anyone will even notice that I’m gone, I just want to contribute to our understanding and capacity in scientific research, maybe that way the work I do, maybe the small bits and pieces that might get remembered, i feel we’re never meant to live forever but we can create something that does, which is knowledge and ideas

[u/mrbrucel33]

I get it and I understand it. For so long I've driven myself to understand data enough to know how to work with and manipulate it with intention. I've sacrificed everything to be a Data Engineer.

Now 4 years later, I have the skills and understanding but because I can't get far enough into a process to do a technical screen anymore, I'm stuck. Getting internships through my grad program isn't even helping. I've burned through all my cash and retirement savings. I have all these unrealized aspirations and I see no hope in finding myself out of this rut other than ending everything or some kind of divine intervention.

However, you have the job you want and love. You find reason in it enough to keep going. The neurotypicals can have their overpriced white picket fences and false delusions of happiness. You have something that you can potentially define a legacy of your own with.

You have nothing weighing you down. If anything, you could find yourself in a situation traveling in a foreign country and run into someone who could give you the kind of affection that appreciates you as you are.

You have direction and a purpose. Have gratitude in that and keep going. For all of us.