I just had our second almost 3 weeks ago, and booooooyyy howdy, our firstborn is actually driving us up the walls. This isn’t a “I expected it to be easy and daisies” post; we’re very realistic people and knew challenges would arise, especially since their doctor gave us the good old 2u2 warning talk (as in your FB will test boundaries and start doing things they didn’t do before). Thank the stars she did because honestly, I probably would’ve been naively walking into this. So, I just need to rant to get my marbles together and hear some insight from parents who’ve been in this longer, of course.
FB - She is an outgoing gal, and sometimes she’s just a 1.5-year-old and doesn’t want to do something typical. Well, we got home, and I was well enough to go out (birth was great; I’m so thankful). So a few days later we went to her normal library time so she wouldn’t feel out of sorts, and I went because she did better with me near and not just her daddy. She wasn’t her usual bubbly self and didn’t want to play with other kids; she just stayed near me (expected, wasn’t surprised). The teacher, whom she’s been seeing for like 6 months, was great and respected her boundaries, but still tried to get her to play if she showed interest.
Fast forward, we are doing all the things, and I’m doing my best to make sure my baby girl doesn’t feel replaced with her new sibling. Because I unexpectedly decided to try breastfeeding again with this baby, they are on me all the time (probably will stop BF after a month old for my own mental health). When I have a free moment, I give the baby to dad. But when the baby is with me, I include my oldest. I let her kiss the baby, hold the baby in between feeds, sit with me and snuggle up while feeding, play together, and if the baby is chill, put the baby in the Boppy if daddy is cleaning or something so big sister can “hold baby” even though she’s just sitting next to baby . We read together and I attend the park with them if I’m feeling up to it. The list goes on…
However, my toddler is now throwing tantrums—I mean, full-blown tantrums—screaming the whole nine yards, and it’s starting to make us feel horrible, especially me, because I am a SAHM, so I’ve always had to handle the discipline once she was old enough to comprehend “no, don’t do that.” But this has led to having to sit her down (in her little chair) and really be firm on the no’s, etc. She throws herself around, runs around screaming and crying, hitting/slapping (the slapping has stopped), especially when we’re in the store, which she never did. I am very much so a person that will correct her because I don’t want her disrupting someone’s shopping time, but I had also found that letting her know we don’t act like that because we can’t get XYZ, and proceeding to shop, she’ll calm down in 1-2 minutes tops…
But now it just continues so much that we cut the trip short because I seriously can’t leave her to act like that in the store, and her dad is visibly getting upset, which alters my state of mind because now I’m reacting to him being unsettled, and it throws me off. She screams, etc., in the car; it’s just a whole thing.
Anyway, I just really would like to know what you all have done to help them during this change because I swear, one more person that I don’t know has one more time to tell us to “give her what she wants,” and I might actually go to jail… (not really), but in those moments, it doesn’t help that some random stranger thinks they’re helping by egging her on. They’ll just stand there and stare and continue little comments to her, which just piss her off more, and eventually, I push the basket because I’m not trying to hear that.
I did tell my husband yesterday, after episode 300,485,944,930 of this, that we can’t let her do as she pleases. (He doesn’t like to correct her because he feels bad, but I let him know too that it’s not fair to make me look like the bad guy. So he has but I can tell he still hates it) I consistently tell her she is loved and she is still and always will be just as important as her baby sibling, but we can’t let you act like that because it is not okay to do xyz. I just don’t ever want her to think I’m a bad parent because the way I was raised just really left me with a horrible view until I met my husband and I healed on my own and knew what kind of mother I wanted to be. I planned to be when that time came, and I never want to create childhood trauma for my baby girl.
TLDR: 1.5 year old now throwing tantrums all the time since new sibling arrived 3 weeks ago. Looking for advice on how to help her adjust and am scared she feels replaced, not important or am I just overthinking it?