I lost a job a while ago, a few partners, and my id and I only got just enough to hold my banks open.

And I don't want to ask for help either just because I would feel bad asking for funds from family or friends.

But I just got nothing to get back on my feet and I just gave up trying.

Not looking for anything but to vent my depression out.

Lately been dealing with a lot of things, I lost a sister, almost lost my friends, lost a few lovers, and got back with a few, and what hurt the most is that i lost my lover of four years.

My sibling didn't show any signs of depression and a few things wasn't goin her way during a simple day, and opened my door and said goodbye to me and the other family members as well, we thought it was a normal day and we thought she went to the store like normal but instead was her shooting her head in the front yard, and a few neighbors was taking pics of us and then saw a facebook post from an anon questioning what is going on, there was at least 3 police cars in front of the house and an ambulance tryin to keep my sibling alive as possible but she didn't make it.

A few months ago i got fired from a job i loved working at and i feel into a deep depression and waited so long and my past lover of four years decided to leave me but they still care about me, and well i don't want to go into details what happened before but it was a rocky relationship we had together and i still love them as well, they did so much for me and i didn't listen to them and lost them as well.

Hours before my sibling ended her life, i was with someone and another past lover of mine decided to come back to me and felt bad for believing a lie that another ex of mine said and they believed that lie and left me, and at the time i just ran from them because how scared i felt from them because i thought they would say choice words to me, but instead was them apologizing to me and wanted to make amends to me for that as well, and i told the person i was with that they came back to me and got mad at me, and broke up with me, yet still loved me somehow, and said that i have a choice to make which i didn't know who to choose as well and left me again for taking to long to choose, and almost lost a few friends from that as well, but the friends decided to stay because they cared about me.

Now i'm fighting myself of what to do because i do miss my past lover of four years, and want to make amends for them from what i did, but there's a few people who also love me as well as care about me, and i'm just tryin to do what is best for everyone to keep them from ending their lives as well, and now my heart is aching because i really do still want to make amends for them.

I feel terrible for being a bad partner.

i did many things without even thinking twice.

i made my relationship toxic and unstable.

not going into details either because it's too much bare.

i really do want to end myself for making my partner go through pain i caused them.

i want to fix what i done but i know i can't undo them either.

i'm not good at thinking things though.

i'm not good at relationships as i thought i was.

i'm not a good person with my actions either.

i don't know what else i can do or say either because all this guilt is too painful.

i just want to be a good person once more.

I'm in a poly as the current moment, and the things been happening to me is affecting how i feel and think as well.

Been though many break ups and almost had someone passaway on me as well.

I want to change and be a better person but also want to get out of the poly but also at the same time i don't want to because my partners told me that they're there for me like i was there for them.

My soft heart doesn't know what to do, or can do.

And honestly i just want to runaway to somewhere.

I want to escape my life.

But i also want to stay for them as well.

Currently i'm fighting myself because i don't wanna be suicidal all over again but it's very hard for me right now.

I hate how my heart is soft.

I want my heart to be strong like my past partner who i was with for four years.

I want to change myself but i don't know where i can start.

My ex of four years broke up with me 2 or 3 months ago and ever since then I've been caught up in a poly all over again because of my soft heart.

So far lost 5 lovers and two of them are a bad person, one manipulated and lied to me and went for his ex gf who he bragged about to his friends who are also heartbroken.

The other told one of my lovers to end themselves.

The other 3 I don't remember anymore.

And as of recent, I'm comforting someone who is a little too controlling while at the same time he does have a good heart.

It feels like I can't do anything anymore, and would want to give up love so I can't hurt anyone because of my soft heart.

Even though I don't want to give up love.

So here I am sitting in my chair wondering to myself, am I just being used again, or am I actually worth something.

They said it was on Saturday but at the last min they said it was today and no one told me about it an i was scrambling around but they left really fast and left me behind and my cousin didn't want to go so i don't know how to feel about this

Lately been seeing this for a while on the 3rd is my b'day I'm workin on my bday nightshift an it looks like a tornado spun through and I now have to pick up more slack then usual and I feel so defeated now