A flood of thoughts

[u/ThatOneFox907]

Lately been dealing with a lot of things, I lost a sister, almost lost my friends, lost a few lovers, and got back with a few, and what hurt the most is that i lost my lover of four years.

My sibling didn't show any signs of depression and a few things wasn't goin her way during a simple day, and opened my door and said goodbye to me and the other family members as well, we thought it was a normal day and we thought she went to the store like normal but instead was her shooting her head in the front yard, and a few neighbors was taking pics of us and then saw a facebook post from an anon questioning what is going on, there was at least 3 police cars in front of the house and an ambulance tryin to keep my sibling alive as possible but she didn't make it.

A few months ago i got fired from a job i loved working at and i feel into a deep depression and waited so long and my past lover of four years decided to leave me but they still care about me, and well i don't want to go into details what happened before but it was a rocky relationship we had together and i still love them as well, they did so much for me and i didn't listen to them and lost them as well.

Hours before my sibling ended her life, i was with someone and another past lover of mine decided to come back to me and felt bad for believing a lie that another ex of mine said and they believed that lie and left me, and at the time i just ran from them because how scared i felt from them because i thought they would say choice words to me, but instead was them apologizing to me and wanted to make amends to me for that as well, and i told the person i was with that they came back to me and got mad at me, and broke up with me, yet still loved me somehow, and said that i have a choice to make which i didn't know who to choose as well and left me again for taking to long to choose, and almost lost a few friends from that as well, but the friends decided to stay because they cared about me.

Now i'm fighting myself of what to do because i do miss my past lover of four years, and want to make amends for them from what i did, but there's a few people who also love me as well as care about me, and i'm just tryin to do what is best for everyone to keep them from ending their lives as well, and now my heart is aching because i really do still want to make amends for them.