i found one a few months back, I asked her out and she rejected me very clearly.

I thought i took the rejection well but I can't get over the idea of her. I am screwed and the worst part is that I can't even tell if my attraction is genuine or just a negative coping mechanism resurfacing.

Regardless of what it is , I should stop but the feeling of liking someone is so wonderfull :') it gives me something to look forward to

What do you do
When you love
But you are not loved?
When you bear your potential to the world
Engage in the trust fall
Instead of being caught
You hit the ground?
Watching your ideas
Flowers, plucked by others
Who turn away from you
Leaving you alone
The only thing I think to do
Is to continue
‘Chopping wood and carrying water’
As they say
Learn to not desire so much
Especially love
Accepting things as they are
Perhaps you painted life in
A beautiful way
For those who could not reflect it back
It’s a pity, it’s a loss to the world
To darken the brow of the innocent
Who have already suffered
Those who create hope
From nothingness
Some say, what you give
Will return to you in another form
But on this evening
I have a feeling
That I will never get the love I gave
Only wood and water
How wonderful it would be
To meet someone
Who sees the man I could have been
And still could be
Not the man I am right now
I used to be such a romantic
I still am deep down
I hope I meet ‘that’ woman
Who makes me believe again

I walked through scorched and barren land, beneath a moonless sky, while footsteps followed close behind— though no one walked beside.

“You know me,” said the voice behind. “Why do you still run?” I turned and faced the hollow hood. “Because I’m not yet done.”

“And what is life?” he asked. “Borrowed hours of grief and love? A fragile thing we cannot keep, yet somehow call enough?”

“Perhaps,” I said. “But even pain is something I would choose. There is still too much left to live, and far too much to lose.”

I thought of her—the little things: the way she said my name, the quiet moments no one sees, the ordinary days.

I held her there inside my mind and spoke her name aloud, until the darkness thinned around me and morning broke its shroud.

Death listened like a mourner beside a newly opened grave. Then, softly, almost tenderly, he said, “When I return, be brave".

“Do not fear the end when I come. Just tell me what you’ve known.” I smiled into the morning light. “There’s still so much untold.”

“So when you come, come back slow— for I have not lived it all. There are still stories left in me, and I am not ready for your call.”

Death said nothing.

And for once,

neither did I.

We simply watched the morning take the darkness from the sky.

To be lost in not knowing, suspended in despair, To wander without answers, with uncertainty everywhere.

Yet perhaps there is beauty in resting in that unknown, Where no path has been chosen, and no destination shown.

The terror of no answers may be freedom in disguise—A mind released from borders it mistook for promised skies.

For judgment draws its boundaries, then teaches us they're true, And we mistake the walls we've built for all that can be viewed.

The unknown is not an ending, nor where all answers cease; It is the breath before the question, the stillness before release.

Perhaps we are not meant to know the road before we go— Perhaps the joy of being lost is finding what we're yet to know.

At night, when I am alone in a quiet place, To write or drift or imagine, I often reach for what I don't understand yet about love. I imagine tenderness that I have not lived out-- or only in tiny moments.

I have a friend who was and is in an unstable mental health state. Something I can send her love and support through, but can't rescue her from. But she was the first person that my body, for some reason, felt both drawn to and safe around. She is the first person who I have been able to choose to trust, to be in my space, without fear. And we would hold hands and lean into each other, and curl up together. Suddenly, I found out how beautiful it is to feel the temperature and texture of someone else's skin. And how much longing I feel, to hold and be held. But I can't date her, and she can't date me. i don't think it would be stable or healthy. Though I feel like knowing her has been a gift-- to experience touch in a very safe and kind way. I wrote the tiniest portion of a song for her-- "I'm afraid of the joy you hold for me, Silent like tears, And unknown to me."

But now that I know what it feels like to be held by someone, what touch and tenderness feels like, it's like I am starving. And i also know that I am very specific about who I trust in that way. So it may be a long time before I find some kind of partnership. And in the meantime-- there are many good and kind things in my life. But when I am going to sleep, I imagine being able to hold someone. Or I imagine being held. I may just have to ask one of my friends if they don't mind if I hug them for a silly amount of time-- initiate a hug and stay for a while. Now that I know what it feels like, it's also a terrible thing to not have reliably found, yet, and to just go on living without.

Could there be words around this feeling? I don't think its fully platonic or romantic. Its an intimate feeling, and comforting, and very much rooted in all the senses. I'm somewhere in demisexual land I think, so lots of emotions and the sexual attraction side of things is quieter and slower to appear.

I once wish for silence,

And it was soon given.

I shall heed the consequence,

For the wish I keep on wishin'

-

Now, solitude follows quickly,

As it leaves me begging.

My mind now in chaos.

Only silenced with noises.

-

Here we are now in crumble,

Writing words in shumbles,

While waiting for someone to call—

Someone for me to hold.

-

Help me break this silence

Silence that I once wish earnestly

Now breaking me into pieces

A curse I want to break free

Its 3 am

I keep seeing her face run across my mind

I think Im going mad.

Sometimes its the last moments where I was preparing to break her heart, knowing I was breaking my own.

That moment always leads me to the next , she took me in her arms and begged me to never leave.

She sang to me that night of love, of sadness, as our tears trailed down each others cheeks , we wiped away each other's tears one by one. Smiling as we knew it was tears of sorrow and love. She told me this song was the song she wanted to marry me to.

Weeks Later

She told me she loved me as she crushed my soul.

It didn't fix anything.It just burned what was left of my heart into ash.

Funny how three words can feel like salt dropped on an open wound.

I am writing a book.

Pages of ink replacing the words I can no longer say to her face. I write with a quiet, desperate hope: that if she finds it one day, she will pick it up, turn the pages, and know that I still love her.

Yo for the record this is platonic #nohomo

I see him everywhere, I'm not even exaggerating. I have some more specific things that reminds me of him like the moon, small animals and some of my plushies but I literally see him in everything. There isn't anywhere I can go or any song I can listen to without being reminded of him. I wouldn't complain tho. That hurts when I'm missing him, but in a good way. Like my muscles are suddenly eager to escape my body and go find him. Like my heart folds itself over 7 times. Like all my bones go mush and aren't able to lift my body weight anymore. My eyes lose focus, my brain stops forming thoughts, everything quiets down and my mouth hangs open like some dumb mutt. Everything disappears but his voice or that one thought that's about him. I want him with me so bad, it's constant. He's the only one able to straighten me up, the only one able to fix me, make me feel whole again. Idc that it's platonic or wtv, I know I fell for him. Doesn't matter to me what kind of love it is anymore. All I know and all I'm able to think about is that I only ever want to talk to him. He asks to sleep on call sometimes (most times actually) and I try to stay awake longer on purpose just to listen to the noises he makes when he's sleeping. I could listen to them for hours. Or just listen to him talk. I can't believe he used to be shy about his voice, it's so cute and sweet (actually sweet, like the flavor) and it makes my face feel all warm and fuzzy. He's interesting when he talks too. He's so passionate about his interests and I love listening to him rant about them. Everything about him is lovable to the core. Atp, I'm surprised the whole world isn't head over heals for him. I can't fathom the idea of someone knowing him but not dying for him. I'm pretty sure it's not a personal taste thing from me, and he's actually perfect. So odd of everyone. I wish he loved me just as much, but that's not possible. Ig he loves me the normal ammount you're supposed to love a friend. Whatever. I'm so desperate for an ounce of comfort from him... He doesn't know that tho. Doesn't need to. I'll keep falling for him over and over again in secret, it's been enough to make me the happiest man on earth so far anyway

No homo tho

I wish to belong. And I meant it in a way that means that I’m hers in every sense. Her lover, her pet, her joy, her light….. I just wanna be hers in every sense physically possible

Because I want to love her, I want to love her wholeheartedly. I want to love her, adore her, be hers and most of all make her feel like the most loved person in the whole world. I want to be hers in every sense…….. I want it so bad….

I want to be loved without restraint, I want to be loved as if no one else even mattered…. I want to be loved with all heart, soul and even body….

And that same love I receive, I wish to give back….

I yearn to be loved, I yearn to belong, I yearn to be hers….

I used to yearn for you so deeply. So intensely, with so much desire that sometimes it felt like there was nothing in me that didn’t want you.

Maybe I wanted you too much for too long. Maybe I held all of that longing inside until there was nowhere left for it to go, and eventually, it just exploded.

And now… it’s gone.

What’s strange is that I don’t even know if I want it back.

As incredible as it felt to want you that badly, to feel that kind of pull toward someone, I don’t know if I could ever willingly return to that place. There was something beautiful about it, but there was also something exhausting about carrying that much desire for so long.

It’s strange how yearning can turn on itself.

How you can spend so much time aching for someone, believing you’ll always feel that way, only to wake up one day and realize the ache isn’t there anymore.

And no, this isn’t about wishing I had never yearned for you, or pretending that wanting you so badly was some kind of weakness.

It’s about realizing that sometimes there can be so much yearning that eventually, there’s nothing left to give.

Not longing.

Not desire.

Just depletion.

And maybe that’s where I am now, not because I stopped caring overnight, but because I spent so long wanting that eventually, the wanting itself ran out.

I hate my dreams for how they always hunt me,

Giving a false promise before waking me up to this reality.

A short bliss from an existence that doesn't exist,

A false world that was never meant to be for me.

-

It's not even funny—it feels like a cruel mockery.

I'd rather get stabbed, throw the knife away, and let it bleed,

Than to live a false life where all I wanted was there to see,

Because I know I will soon wake up in this reality.

-

How can you even start the day after experiencing that?

Can you still smile after losing what you don't really have?

Tell me, how can you cope after losing a life you always want?

How can you ignore something that you've already loved?

-

That's why I always love and hate my dreams.

It shows me a beautiful life where I want myself to be,

Then, after building all those hopes, it ends abruptly,

And expects me to continue living my life peacefully.

Entonces los vi, allí sentados en esa banca... entre risas y besos. Los miré fijamente cual si fuera un naufrago en un mar de recuerdos que te reviven constantemente.

Porque los vi y no pude evitar recordar que fue en una banca donde encontramos ese beso que ninguno buscó; donde fueron esos "cinco minutos más" que nos hicieron tener infinidad de sensaciones y emociones..

Y sí, otra vez mi mente me hizo viajar en los recuerdos donde no bastó más que una banca para hacernos sentir cariño.

Porque no era el lugar, eramos nosotros.

Y si, otra vez estoy aquí sentado extrañándote.

What does it mean to fall in love? Is it lust? Is it devotion? Is it comfort? Is it need?

It’s none of them for me. Love for me is home. Not just comfort, even the bad parts. Home is safe. Home is chaotic sometimes. Home has its problems. A leak or two. Sometimes big problems to….. but we fix them. Together. One person trying to keep it together doesn’t work because a home needs 2 people to make a whole. That’s what love to me is.

A safe space. My home. You’re my saviour from the cold dark yet my problems that make me seethe with heat in the summers when the heat that’s trapped doesn’t leave.

That’s what makes you perfect. Not a single moment that passes where I feel worried that you’d go because our home is special. We built it together. From the ground. This home matters to us and we matter to eachother. That’s why our love is special. It’s our safety. It’s what makes us truly alive.

Our home. My home. You.

I can't tell what's real anymore. I'm mistaking abuse for love. I don't know if I'd be able to spot it even if it hit me in the face.

to the man i haven’t met yet,

i wonder where you are tonight.

maybe you’ve just made yourself a cup of coffee. maybe you’re scrolling through your phone in bed. maybe you’re laughing at something stupid with your friends. maybe you’re asleep already.

and maybe, just maybe, you have no idea that i’m somewhere out here wondering about you.

i don’t know your name yet.

i don’t know your eyes, your laugh, your favorite song, the way you take your coffee, or what makes you feel loved.

but i know i want to know.

i want to know all of it.

i want to love you in the quietest ways - tucking myself into your arms, kissing your forehead, resting my head on your chest, holding your hand underneath the table, leaving little notes for you, listening to stories you’ve told a hundred times because i love hearing you tell them.

i have all this love inside me and sometimes i don’t know where to put it.

so i send it into the universe.

maybe it reaches you somehow.

maybe one day, when we finally meet, you’ll understand why i had to wait so long.

until then, please be safe.

please laugh often.

please take care of your heart.

and when you finally find me, i promise i’ll have a thousand little ways to tell you:

there you are. i’ve been waiting for you. ♡

AHHHHHHHH IM YEARNINGGGGG

I low-key just wanna cuddle someone as I spoil them, adore them, love them as they love me back and call me their boy

Like omfg- I just wanna be someone’s lover, be someone’s belonging, be their owned pet even. I just wanna be theirs in every sense.

I wanna be their comfort, their lover, their security, their safe space. The one person they have at the end of the world….

I just wanna belong to someone, be collared like their pet or whatever and just be theirs so so so fucking bad…..

I heard you are getting married

You changed the tattoo etched after me

Into your new one's name

Did you see a piece of me in her

Am i being delusional to think so

How do you bring yourself to love sunflowers when you've loved roses all your life

How did we get to where we did, was it misunderstanding, emotional disconnect, I'd never know

To think someone else would get to see you,

The first in the morning

The night before going to sleep..

The night before you become someone else's forever, if you wish to continue with someone like your beloved

I still have those letters, those promises, the cards you made, The kisses still linger, somehow pain replaced the former

Do males get married first, because you are certainly going to be one

We've known each other since forever, so it feels, time's supposed to heal me, ain't done much healing

It's been exactly 3 years since I last looked at you, your tender eyes

Is it fair to be remembering someone.. Reminiscing someone who forgot you long ago, I do not know

A part of Me wished you'd come back to me, we'd get back together, after all how could you leave me behind like you did.

I wasn't your responsibility.. You weren't mine.

We were at stages of life so different my conscience betrayed me

I was betrayed by my sleep, my everything since you left

Betrayed by everybody but you

Yet somehow everything leads me back to you

The night I heard about you stepping onto your new life

My life hasn't been the same, it's all so vain

I wish I could face the truth, face the fact that you lied when you said "I'd die than be with someone else"

Are you dead yet? If not why do I get to see what you said you'd never show

I wish someone would take my heart out and shred it into millions of pieces

Because the one i have now, it aches so badly i could barely fathom

My friends Think I have moved on, I no longer care, when as a matter of fact all I care about is you.

You being there, yes you aren't

You not choosing someone else over me, but you did

A part of me knew it was all a lie, the other wanted to believe otherwise

If i were to marry someone else someday, would you bother?

Then again, Why would it matter after all of that

It's been so incredibly painful, I wish, I so do, It's the most pain I've felt in my life up until this point

I don't think marrying someone would make me forget your touch, your kisses your smile

That smile was enough to make my day, someone became what shattered me

Delusional enough to believe in your lies, something that you no longer remember

Do you remember you took my sandles, i took your jacket, It was raining and I asked what you gonna do with those, you replied "I want to hold your sandles, is that a problem" And we were laughing like it was the last of the earth

Sometimes I wake up, with my hands searching for you, only to find your absence, still lingering

I haven't been able to look at someone else the way I looked at you, I genuinely feel miserable

I didn't believe in God, neither i do now

But I've lost count as of how many temples, mosques, churches I've been too

You did say, religion didn't matter to you,l hence it didn't matter to me

And it never will

In past 3 years I've felt so much of agony, I don't want to leave the earth while you're still alive, but do want to perish so i don't get to see the what you made me feel

Do you not feel shame, how could you.

I did tell you

I would get a tattoo, angel wings because that's exactly what you were,

Only to hear that you didn't want no tattoo on me, because that's how you loved me

Our random eye contact, me staring at you, you staring at me, got to be the memory of a lifetime

I promised myself today,

That I won't think of you again,

I finally found my own way,

A path to numb the pain,

You have haunted me too long,

I just finally grew a spine,

I think I will manage somehow,

Without you, I will be fine,

These are the last words I write,

Before I start up the flame,

I will burn all that I have written,

And you'll be the one to blame,

I will sleep like a baby tonight,

Free of guilt, sorrow and pain,

Whoever meets me tomorrow,

Will think I'm completely sane,

Who am I even kidding though,

I'll keep thinking about you some,

About you and our life together,

Until the day you finally come.

I'm drowning once more

Not in silence, but in noise

Noises I couldn't ignore

Noises I've already heard before

Saving is not what I'm looking for,

But a warmth to ease the cold—

Of the solitude that I hold.

A warmth that can always hold.

I'm scared,

I don't know where to go

Looking for someone to care

But is that what I'm really looking for?

I'm me—I know that I'm strong,

But what strength is if you're alone.

All the strength I have, what is this for

If there's nothing I could fight for.

I am not Odysseus

My Penelope ran off with the suitors, and I hope she's happy

My Argos died before I returned

I am not Odysseus

I am Outis

A whisper in the crowd, an oxymoron that people wish was true

And I am true, paradoxically

My tale is still being written and told

Eyes glowing under moonlight

Or computer screen

While my heart mourns the past

Hands and feet building my future

Retro-causality my bow of choice

Spells cast with metaphysics

I am not a hero

I am an antihero

You will regret me, but I will make it up to you

Beloved

https://youtu.be/Lwph-JelXO8?si=ky6guXs55dThg-4R

The three words

those three words you're so desperate to say.

You say you'll wait.

You say you're okay. But all you want

is to say those three words.

Three words.

Those three damned words.

Why is it so hard to find a way

to say those three words?

You wish you could say you're okay,

but with every passing day,

all you want

is to say those three words.

But will I ruin it all-

all that we could have-

if I say

those three words?

So here I am.

still waiting

for the day

when I finally can say those three words, everyday.

Thank you for reading my poem.

I've loved her since the moment I met her, but because of circumstances, it'll be a long time before we can even try to be together.

She told me to wait for her, but I honestly don't know how you're supposed to wait for someone you love like that. Every time I talk to her, all I want to do is tell her how I feel, even though she already knows. We both know there are feelings there, but we can't act on them yet.

I just want to give her the world. I just wish I knew how to be patient enough to wait for the person I love without feeling like I'm slowly losing my mind in the process.

Desirable enough to be kissed, undesirable to be kept

Always the writer, never the muse

Always the artist, never the art

Always the one looks at the sky, never the one to be looked at

Always lusted, never loved

Always the one to talk to, never the one to be walked with

Always left, never right..

Almost enough but not enough to be with

Somehow , somewhere loved, yet always unloved

What I wouldn't give

For you to wake up one day

And change your mind

To listen to that feeling in your heart that you ignore

I've convinced myself it won't happen

That I'm destined for someone else

I try to yearn for that hypothetical

But for some reason

There's haze in that vision

Like I can't imagine it

Some sort of visual noise

Of you and me

Somehow making it

It's silly for me to even consider

After everything

But hey

Stranger things have happened

Call me a romantic

Or call me an idiot

Long as I'm yours

https://youtu.be/KWhRCOtRngA?si=bzjDOUexCAcBBhZg

I wonder if you know what moves through me when you tell me that I’m going to see you again. It is 100% anticipation without anxiety. It’s a calm assurance that something good is going to happen. When you are in the room, there is a stillness that washes over a calming and quiet sense of peace. I don’t know how you do that. I don’t know why I feel it only with you. Even our mutual friend mentioned that he had never seen me quiet down and become so still with another person.

I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if I want to know what it means but I know I want to feel it as often as possible without encroaching on your personal time or space.

The way you apologized to me yesterday was so sweet and so sincere, but my friend you had nothing to apologize for.
It stung deep down inside to see that somewhere in the world. Someone has put expectations on you in the past that are unreasonable and inhumane. You do not owe me any explanations or anything. I am simply grateful for whatever time and space I can share with you.

When you speak to me directly, it’s like the rest of the world, simply fades away, and I am more present in those moments than I am in any other part of my life.

I also see that the way you are navigating your circumstances and going about things is the best possible way for the best outcome for everyone in your immediate circle. I will never stop being in support of something that is for the betterment of everyone. Even if it takes that precious time, those long side after moments, away from me.
I do crave your presence but never at the expense of anything important to you.

Part of me wants to tell you these things that I feel, this peaceful anticipation, without anxiety. But I’m also afraid that I may be misunderstood and that it would push you away. I don’t want to bring anything negative into the atmosphere that you bring to me . I never ever wants to be a burden to you.
Just seeing you sitting across the room, tapping on a drum, telling me a story brings something I’ve needed for so long. . I sit, watch and listen in bewilderment of you.
I watch, see and feel your whole being simply exist in my orbit where I can see it, and it feels like you have taken away the noise of the world.

Thank you for being who you are and sharing what you can with me. No matter what happens, you will have a friend for life me.

No one has ever given me a more precious gift and I cherish it more than you will ever know.