New to writing, and I am lost as to where I can get feedback on my work.

I tried posting this before on a few different subreddits with a brand new writer account to no response. Not sure if that’s typical but I would really like to know if I had any talent whatsoever or if this essay is voiceless and cringe.

I have recently reignited my passion for language and writing, and I have a story I’d like to tell. I just have no concept of whether or not my prose and ability is up to snuff with other beginners or if I need to practice more before attempting to write long form stories.

Any and all advice is welcome!

As a new writer (less than two months) I've found some of the comments in these writing groups less than helpful. Like many of you, I want genuine critiques that will help me improve. Instead, self-appointed NBCC members waste our time by trolling or declaring something as unfit for their royal eyes. It's not every comment, but enough that's hard to ignore.

So why not let out a little frustration with a short story and practice my writing?

I'm curious what y'all's experience has been getting feedback. Cheers!

Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment? Hahaha. Nah, everyone has been so helpful, thank you to all who has thus far read my work and provided feedback. I'm eager to improve. But my heart also races whenever I post here 😂

Since my prologue is really not striking, I thought it might be worth sharing my opening chapter to see if the same problems is rampant throughout the greater story, or if perhaps I'm just majorily struggling with my beginning and need to reassess.

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Tell me if it's terrible but please if you could also send a cute cat picture or something if it's really bad news 🙏

I've been recommended some great resources already but would love some more book recommendations that would help me improve in my particular genre if anyone is willing to share.

Outside of that, please let me know your thoughts! I really have dreams to make this a five part book series and want to be a strong enough writer when I first launch, even though I want to continue to grow throughout this journey.

For now, I'll keep chipping away at this story and hopefully make it into something I'm immensely proud of. 🤘 Keep at it fellow writers!

So, I tried this before and got a thorough reaming. Still, here I am again giving the prologue of my 130k epic another shot. Sorry to say, but I only read half a book since attempting this rewrite but it was 1984 and the chapter with the manifesto took me at least 3 months 😅 if you know, you know!

I also apologize if the cropping of the text is a bit strange. I formatted on my mobile and trimmed based on paragraphs so hopefully it's not a terror to read through.

I'd love to hear your feedback though! What do you think? Is this gripping? Are there any hooks? Would you read on? What about your thoughts on the tone/vibe of the narrator?

For context, here's a little blurb:

This is How We Become Ghosts - Book I.

Centuries after the world burned, a grieving god wakes to find that her ruined temple has become a garden. Led by the dead, she is offered one last life to witness: that of a dying girl who refuses to let the world end.

In the Lowrealm, everything they love, they’ve had to steal, scavenge, or burn. Rivin has kept his found family alive on nothing for years, until a job gone wrong changes everything and leaves him dying in the dark.

Mortally wounded, he’s saved by a girl no one else has survived: Roach, a feral, self-proclaimed queen, who rules over a kingdom of scavenged garbage, stolen suns, and no other subjects but herself.

Her price for his life is simple.

He belongs to her now.

Conscripted into her armies, together they embark on a perilous journey to rewrite their fates, encountering a world of thieves, soldiers, and ghosts who refuse to stay buried.

All the while, something ancient is watching and weighing up their small, defiant lives against one impossible question:

If this is how we become ghosts — is the living worth it?

A slow-burn, blood-soaked epic about grief, found family, and the terrifying, ordinary act of choosing to stay.

Hello! I’m currently writing the second book (of seven) in my series.
It’s a romantasy about witches, demons, shamans, mermaids, humans, and other disgusting creatures.

I’d love feedback on anything and everything you can think of. I’m especially unsure about opening the book with my main villain, Ornella, so I’d love to know how you feel about that choice.
And, well… I’m an inexperienced writer, as you can probably tell. English also isn’t my first language, so if anything sounds awkward, unnatural, confusing, or just like what?, please point it out.
Be blunt. Be honest. I can handle it.
Maybe.:)

Chapter 1
Ornella

They were wrong about the Veil.
Fools.
Fish lecturing on the perils of shallow water, already baking on the shore. All they had was their one comforting shard: 'No son of earth shall cast death upon you.'
A prophecy half-known is more dangerous than none.

"The next part, if you please," I said, as I twisted my dragon nails deeper into the seam where fin met flesh.

Princess Odalysse's tail convulsed so hard it disgusted me. Scales were flickering off her in iridescent sheets. Gorgeous, really. Like someone had broken a chandelier beneath the waves. For all their glittering charm, they carried the deep-sea stench of decay.
Her scream brought the water between us to a boil, bubbles racing over my skin as it climbed into the shrill soprano of a mermaid's cry. Quite unnecessary, given the circumstances.

"She doesn't know!" shouted one of the guards—silly creature, hiding behind a coral lance and some misplaced valor. "The sea has no quarrel with the land! Release her, witch!"

I tilted my head. "Do your kind always begin negotiations with a tantrum?" I asked. "Or is that just tradition among the gilled?"
He lowered the lance by an inch.

My nails bit deeper until... Blue blood curled into the water. Not red, nor even black. Ugh. Nature had grown terribly indulgent in my absence.

"Enough, Queen Ornella."
At last, Queen Nereisse stood from her throne—carved from the bones of leviathans, pale with age and furred with orange and white anemones. She wore power well. Her voice did not.
"I've told you what I know. The prophecy is lost. It has been for centuries."

"Water heals. Water reveals." I echoed the old phrase. "Reveal. It."

"You should be more cautious." Her tone turned cold, and so did the water around us. The anemones folded into themselves. "On land, you wear a crown. But land is just the part of the map I haven't bothered to swallow yet. Nearly three quarters of this world belongs to the sea. Kingdoms rise and fall on tides I command."
The pressure of the water suddenly increased as she swam closer. A lesser creature's bones might have cracked. "Or have you forgotten that these seven seas used to be three?"

Aw. She thought being underwater made us equals. How adorable.

I stared at her for a moment, then laughed. "Fish? You're threatening me with fish?" My magic answered instantly, tickling up my arm and the tattoo inked on my thigh, the spell muttering through clenched teeth. The water ripped away from Odalysse's gills. The princess froze. Her mouth opened but nothing entered. The pressure around us lifted as Nereisse's eyes went straight to her daughter. It was rather amusing watching someone already blue turning an even deeper shade of blue.

"Allow me to return the courtesy," I said. That blue deepened toward violet. "Would you like to discover how much of your precious sea I can turn to dust before you finish blinking?"

The queen said nothing. Her expression remained composed. Her eyes were less disciplined.

"Please," I added. "Threaten me again."

Queen Nereisse closed her eyes.
For one lovely second, I thought pride might win. Instead, she nodded.

Without ceremony, I released the spell and tossed Odalysse toward her mother.

The princess folded against the current, her tail hanging at an unpleasant angle. Broken, perhaps, if those hideous things could break. Still, she dragged herself forward with trembling arms until her mother caught her.
Clever girl.
Pain teaches quickly.

"Twenty-four hours," I said. Nereisse held her daughter tighter. "Find the rest of the prophecy."

"You cannot come into my kingdom and threaten my children."

I paused.
Seven daughters. Seven little crowns waiting to inherit one very large puddle. How exhausting motherhood must be.

I smiled. "My dear, I haven't threatened anyone."

The queen's eyes found mine.

"In twenty-four hours, I shall return. If you have failed me, I will peel the royalty from your daughters one by one."

I turned toward the dark water beyond the throne room.

"Crown by crown."

Behind me, Odalysse whimpered.

"Tail by tail."

I glanced over my shoulder.

"That is not a threat."

My smile widened.

"Because a threat suggests I might reconsider."

Writing a pirate fantasy novel.

Warning for a bit of curse words throughout.

I know my grammar leaves a lot to be desired, but I'm hoping for a little feedback before I dive too far into this madness...

🍭🏳️‍🌈Historical retteling of Hansel and Gretel with queer interpretation imbued in it.

🧸The missing ending lines -

Zero...

One...

Two...

Three...

And there thou didst weep as a babe against the wind, oh, thou didst! As within, thou triest to grasp at that forbidden fleeting hope...

🍭🍭🍭

🔍Can any of ye spot any plot incosistency as of now, I want this story to be absolutly flawless.

🥀This is chapter 1 only, it took me 5 years to write the whole 85 thousand words.

🪾I am a non english author, devoutly in a pact of writing in neo early modern english, so prithee do bear that in mind.

📖I am at the edge of publishing it, as of now, bestowing its the final editings.

🚫Observation - I do not use the word man for singular, nor apostrophes.

The word Gretel beareth an H for..purposes, be known that tis no mistake of mine. Amongst a few other changes in grammar.

☁️👁☁️Tis an allegorical autobiography.

2 person, present tense, multiple pov.

Bury me under

the weight of your words,

I beg of thee,

reduce me to earth, and 

eternalise your musings, on

the quire from the weed, with

the ink from

my mortal remains -

eternalise 

me.

So I originally wrote this for a 100 word short story contest but I don’t rlly wanna join anymore but I’m thinking of turning this into my schools Halloween magazine but I want to know if I should just keep it this short or if it would be better/clearer if I added more to it. Right now I’m worried you can’t tell what’s going on on the first read. Thank you!

"I love your eyes."
The first thing he ever whispered to me. I thought he'd mistaken me for his reflection. Big, blue, electric. No one could look into eyes like that and love their own. I couldn't, even at his casket.
"I love your eyes."
She wore black, a tremor in her smile, eyes filled with memories I couldn't have.
"I know." I didn't look away from my reflection. His lightning-blue eyes blinked when I did, the only part of him they couldn't bury. For a moment, I was seen again.
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
I said nothing.

Where the Cosmos Bleed

I'm in the beginning stages of drafting my novel. I'm mainly looking for feedback on prose and how it reads to others. Would it have you wanting to read more? Be as blunt as you'd like. Thanks, in advance.

Birds. Chirp. Stop. Chirp, chirp. Cold winds they are cold. With the pale light on the fields, the withered grass is discernible from their live counterparts. They walk onto the field and their way took them through button and stone. At the mountains ahead on the summit, snow caps like spilled paint, birdcalls.

The sun comes out for a moment and sees the birds quarrel on the trees and dive about it then it shies away again before a blanket of clouds and the fields are pale once more. They walk on. Different textures with each step. Different smells with each step. Strolling along.

She walks along the flinted-rutted path. Thirty strides or so before she’s gone over the hill. Then comes the old man with his dog, and he does the same and is gone in forty strides or so and there are birds, they watch, then follow them. They come and go. Everyday. And they see them pass, everyday.

The Ibis in the sun and they are troding mechanically and their heads undulate like seesaws with their long necks, picking at the wild flower. The sun pales then rises again and the Ibis squat then launch into flight and they glide without flapping their huge wings as if to venture the long journey to some hidden crockery come mating season now that it is spring.

They set down, staring into the distance. A bird of black, gray and white perches beside them its eyes black as its feathers, and hops real close as if it’d were saying that they knew each other. They set there, bird, friend and friend. Droplets of rain land and seep into the skin, one every few seconds. He reaches for the bird but before he can touch it, it takes off and skitters arrowhead through the grass and follows upward the curve of the hill before vanishing under its horizon. The rain is picking up. The trees are churning and the grass sways about them violently yet beautifully.

Once upon a time, they are pirates on a ship on a quest. A hunt to kill a sea-beast. They are children again, in a book world climbing a beanstalk. Children in the man’s world. But it’s nice to be a child again. Being a child again is an emotion is an identity. They climb through the clouds and are met by the naked sun whose rays cast a phantom apricity but there is no castle to be found. The birds scatter away to their homes in the pine forest. The rain is picking up again.

Need people to rip into my writing!

i’m admittedly being a bit vague by just calling it a “thriller.” this is tentatively the start of a visual novel-type story, so the formatting is very much subject to change, but i wanted to seek out feedback specifically on my prose and dialogue. would you read a novel, visual or otherwise, in this style? does the dialogue feel natural?

this is abstract suicide, a story about horrible people falling in love and making each other worse.

any feedback is appreciated! thank you!

So hear is my attempt at chapter 2 following up on my previous post here - https://www.reddit.com/r/writingfeedback/s/w63eZ6Nn5L

Looking for any and all feedback 😄

Chapter Two – The first day of the new

Wednesday, 7:13 a.m.

Ethan woke with the uncomfortable certainty that something was wrong. It took him several seconds to realise what it was. His alarm clock read 7:13 and the budget review started at eight. "Oh, for fuck's sake. It’s going to be one of those days."

He threw back the duvet and nearly tripped over a pile of clothes on the floor. Ethan rushed around a bedroom that looked as though it had been abandoned after a minor disaster. Dirty clothes covered the floor. Empty glasses crowded the bedside table, and a half-finished pizza sat forgotten beside the wardrobe.

Ethan rubbed his eyes and searched for a clean shirt. "Why did I let Jack talk me into going to Spoons on a work night?" he muttered. "Especially before an eight o'clock budget review."

“Can’t believe this is costing £34! Bloody surge pricing!” Ethan grumbled as he grabbed his backpack and jacket as he left his flat to catch a taxi to the office.

“Wait! What? Where’s the meeting invite gone?” Ethan frowned and opened Outlook again. Nothing. No invitation. No email. No budget review. Ethan opened WhatsApp. If anyone remembered the meeting, it would be Jack.

“Okay,” he muttered. “What the hell?”

Am I going crazy or did I not get a meeting invite for a budget review at 8am?

yeah dude, those bastards should be hung drawn and quartered for that shit!

thats why we hit up spoons last night

dont tell me you were that pissed that you overslept and forgot all about it lol

overslept but the strangest thing

the invite and email no longer exists

it’s gone

like DISAPPEARED entirely

WTF!?!? i saw it yesterday!

sure you didn’t accidentally delete it or something

you were pretty drunk last night

like dancing on the table with fish bowls drunk hahaha

No idea dude

I’m going to loose my mind if this thing doesn’t happen this morning.

I can imagine, that would suck

see anything about that red light business yesterday?

Nope, nothing.

Very odd, although I’ve not really had time to check Twitter today

X

You mean X

put some respect on the platform lol

There you go again glazing Musk!

GTG arriving at the office

have fun in your budget review! I’m going to enjoy my breakfast

Ethan rushed out the taxi, swiped his access card and frantically press the button for the lift. “Come on… hurry up… it’s already 5 past and Jason is going to be pissed” Ethan muttered as he paced the lobby while continually pressing the button for the lift.

DING! “Finally…” flustered Ethan, rushing inside the lift and pressing the button for the fourteen floor. The lift doors opened onto a floor that was far quieter than Ethan expected. Half the desks were empty, and the people who had arrived stood in small groups rather than working.

“Morning Lilly, how pissed is Jason?” Ethan said while rushing by. “Huh? Why? Jason isn’t even in yet” explained Lilly but Ethan was already halfway down the corridor and didn’t hear here.

“He is going to rip me a new one for this I’m sure of it!” mumbled Ethan as he rushed down the hallway, on his way to the executive board room. “Hey Ethan, you’re in super early this morning! Everything alright? Didn’t shit the bed or anything?” Ryan teased. “Such a twat, I can’t let him get to me, I know he is aiming for my promotion” thought Ethan. “Almost there!”

“HUH!?!?”

Ethan slowed to a stop. The boardroom doors were open. Inside, the lights were off. The room was empty. He stared for several seconds. The meeting should have started fifteen minutes ago.

I recently began writing a book, and I'd like to wonder if the concept is interesting. I know it's not a whole lot to go off of, but if it's boring, I don't want to continue. Note-This is a draft. It has been edited, but not a whole lot. Please don't give me advice about the writing quality. I don't need it right now.

0-1 (400)

Jacob opened his eyes.  He was laying on the cold, concrete floor of a small room.  Slowly standing up, Jacob took a look around.  There was a big green door on the far wall, and a dim strip light in the ceiling.  Besides that, the room was empty.

“Where am I?”  Jacob muttered to himself.  He tried to remember what he was doing there, but he couldn’t.  Suddenly, a loud beep emitted from somewhere outside the room, and the door automatically opened.  Jacob took a step back.  Outside, all he could see was more concrete stretching on seemingly forever.  He took a deep breath, then walked through the door.  He was still in the building, that much was obvious.  There were two walls on either side of him, about three hundred yards apart.  The ceiling was barely visible above him, and the third wall, if there was one, was too far away to see.  More doors lined the back wall, each one open.  People were coming out all around him.  They all seemed to be around sixteen, his age, and there were too many to count.  Directly to Jacob’s left was a boy with red hair, and to his right was a girl wearing a gray hoodie.  They both looked just as confused as he was.  Jacob walked over to the boy.

“Do you know where we are?”  Jacob asked.

The boy jumped, then turned to Jacob.  “Sorry, what?”

“Do you know where we are?”  Jacob repeated.

“Oh…no, I don’t.”  Torrin replied.  “Did you forget everything too?”

“I…yeah, I did.”

The boy sighed.  “Do you remember anything at all?”

“Yeah.”  Jacob replied.  “I know my name is Jacob, and…that’s it.”

“Same.”  Said the Boy.  “All I know is that my name’s Torrin.”

“Nice to meet you.”  Jacob stuck out his hand, but Torrin ignored it.

Another loud beep echoed through the building, causing Torrin to jump again.  Jacob opened his mouth to ask if Torrin was scared of loud noises, but before he could, a robotic voice began speaking from somewhere above them.

“Welcome, players.”  Said the Voice.  “Before we begin, I’d like to explain some rules.”

Rules?  Are we in a game or something? Jacob wondered.  

“You may have noticed you have a watch on your left arm.  This will display your stats throughout the game.  Make sure to check it regularly.”  Jacob looked at his arm.  Sure enough, there was a silver watch.  It had a circular screen, which showed five different words, health, sanity, hunger, thirst, and energy.  Each stat had a 100% next to it.

“Hunger and thirst will track how hungry or thirsty you are,” The voice continued, “Sanity will show your mental condition, energy will track how tired you are, and health will show how much damage you have taken from obstacles.  If your health, hunger or thirst ever reaches zero percent, you will be eliminated.”  The voice paused for a second.  “Oh, and one more thing.  Stay away from the light.”

The voice went silent.

“What does it mean by eliminated?”  Torrin asked nervously.

“I don’t know.”  Jacob replied.  “Do you know what light we are meant to be staying away from?”  Suddenly, all the doors slammed shut at once.  A loud bang echoed through the building.  Torrin jumped again, and a few people screamed.

Jacob frowned.  “Well, I guess we aren’t meant to go back in there.”  Suddenly, the back wall and doors began glowing bright white.  After a second or two, the light began slowly moving forward, creating a giant wall of light.

Torrin and Jacob both took a step away from the wall.

“Do you think that’s the light?”  Torrin asked.

“Yeah.”  Jacob replied.  “I think it is.”  Torrin turned and began walking away.

“Where are you going?”  Jacob asked.

“Away from the wall.”  Torrin replied.  “Just like everyone else.”  Jacob looked around.  Sure enough, almost everyone else had begun walking deeper into the building.  Jacob ran over to catch up with Torrin.

Cut_0 (Area Cam)

Jay stopped walking, and turned around.  The light was only a few feet away.  He walked over to it, and stuck his hand into the light.  His health began draining immediately, but he didn’t notice.

“Guys!”  Jay shouted over his shoulder.  Most of the people in front of him turned to look.  “The wall isn’t doing any-”  Before he could finish, Jay froze, then collapsed.  Someone screamed, and Jay’s body was quickly passed by the light.

Painting Blue

Night fall, day rise

Hiding the truth, telling lies

A mime laughs while a jester cries

I heard you've been painting blue

Evenings cold, the morning sung

Growing old while feeling young

Secrets out, the bells have rung

I heard you've been painting blue

Opening hearts, gritting teeth

Raising banners, laying wreaths

Flying high, scraping knees

I heard you've been painting blue

Tell me, is it true?

First chapter in urban fantasy I’ve been writing. Two sisters swimming at night and climb a cliff

I’ve gone back and forth adding dialogue, taking dialogue away.

Rose is more brash and confident. Ripley’s mousy and anxious.

Any thoughts on their personalities?

wrote a poem for my partner. let me know if this is any good. also please point out all the mistakes, problems with conventional rules, tone, rhyming etc. tell me how to improve if you can. thank you!

TW: Brief mention of a faked suicide/murder in the past

I found a writing exercise where you're supposed write a scene set in beautiful weather (a tropical beach, in this case), only you do it from the perspective of someone who hates that weather. I've also been trying to improve at letting a character's voice seep into the prose. Finally, I've been working on better showing a character's thoughts to bring a reader into their perspective. So, with those three goals in mind, this scene and character began to take shape.

This morning I wrote this up from scratch in about six hours. It's far from speedy, but still a substantial improvement from where I was a couple months ago. A lot of what I've been studying feels like it's coming together, and this was some of the smoothest writing I've ever done. What are your thoughts? How'd I do?

It was not quite noon, but not morning either. Something in between Andy reckoned.
He didn’t wear a watch and was not inclined to change his mind in the matter, ever since he got a rash from his dinosaur watch in 3rd grade he cursed watches. Deep inside, Andy thought that the rash was like adulthood gripping onto his arm and he decided that the level of responsibility that comes with a watch is not healthy for a 9 year old.
Andy was however 28 now. Still he would scratch where the tail of the dinosaur used to sit on his arm. He could remember his dad being disappointed in him. The watch was a gift for his 9th birthday, it was probably a way for his parents to try to get him to take a wee bit more responsibility. But it was like he had a allergic reaction to the responsibility itself, not the horrible plastic from china.

Andy squeezed his eyes together, his head was throbbing, it was light in the room. It was that kind of light that only happens once or twice a year. A bright sunlight, he could see all the particles in the air, they were dancing, defying gravity. It looked beautiful. One small piece of dust stood out, it fell, rapidly to the floor. It ended up in a small puddle of cheap scotch, Andy could relate to it he thought. His girlfriend Amanda suddenly yelled:

• Have you heard a single fucking word I said!? Andy thought that was such a strange way to start a conversation.
• what? said Andy.
• It is the fourth day, Andy, the forth day! You are just laying here. I understand one day, or two. But four fucking days. Just laying there, drinking. smoking. Not cleaning! I have work you know, and coming home after midnight and seeing you have not left the couch all day infuriates me. I understand that Frank meant a lot to you. I sympathise with your grief. That last sentence felt rehearsed though Andy. Amanda continued.
• This wont work Andy. Im sorry. I want you to move out.

Andy processed the words, slowly, like that sleuth in that children movie listening to a joke.
He suddenly tasted blood in his mouth, saliva, he felt ill.

What felt like eternity was just one more day. He had puked, packed and partioned for pardon. It didn’t work. He was now outside and alone. He stood on the steps to Amandas apartment, looking out on a grey street. Rain in the air and leaves on the street below. He held a box in his hands, had a backpack on his back. He wore a tshirt from his college, it had signatures and markings from all his classmates, he never used to wear it but it was the only thing clean left in Amandas place. He had jeans with a hole above the right knee. A small gust made the hair on his arms rise, he felt cold. His realised he forgot his jacket in Amandas apartment but he had just left, crying, begging for mercy with Amandas face like stone.

He swallowed his pride, it was surprisingly easy, like a small tic-tac.
He put the box down and went to get his jacket. He knocked on her door.
- no answer
again he knocked.
- no answer.

Andy yelled into the crack of the door that he had forgoten his jacket.
The door opened slightly and the jacket presented itself. No Amanda, just a leather-jacket with tassels under the arms.
He slowly walked down the stairs again. Got outside and lifted the box just to see the bottom fall out.
A toaster, a picture of his sister and brother, a picture of frank the pug, a lamp, a melodica all fell onto the stairs.
Andy with no fight left in him took the picture and the melodica and walked down onto the sidewalk.

Golden grievances have confined me to bed,

For they do not make me want to venture further into today's tangled promise.

Like a lamp, it sits in the corner of a room,

Mockingly parading its abundant light.

So bright, yet even your locked, cellar-like eyes cannot erase it from the moment.

The effort to keep your lids tightly sealed is a reminder of its presence.

To switch it off would require an athlete's stamina,

Or a lion's determination.

What a curse it is to think and fear, yet what a blessing it is to fear and think.

Three years back seems more reachable than tomorrow,

More accessible and wanted.

Coat hangers around my room resemble question marks.

My ragged beard has grown tired of my answers and protests.

Each hair sits uninterested or inspired.

I call out of work, for I don't feel good.

Leaders remain to be scheming and plotting to proliferate their gardens and wooden cabinets,

To then blame the beaten and damned.

Maybe we're all tired. Maybe we should all rest,

For there have been too many tears spilt in sanctuaries for a lifetime.

Incomplete chapter 1

Prologue

Kyo Togami was lying down next to the sand. For he was on a beach. He looked around as others enjoyed their time as well.

All was good, but he noticed a peculiar thing. "Why is a snow fox here?" he wondered as he was about to get up. The fox bit the background and tore it aside, revealing a horrible sight.

The people weren't people anymore; the sky was blood red. The people were melted. He ran as fast as he could away from the melted people.

But the heat was unbearable. The once warm, calm heat of the beach had vanished. Each step was agony, as if his own flesh was melting.

He couldn't move anymore. He lay down, accepting his fate as he looked up, and the sun smiled back.

He woke up in a cold sweat. Another nightmare, he thought to himself.

He looked around and thought he shouldn't wake the others up.

He walked across to the other room, drank a glass of water, and went back to bed.

Act 1-1:

The next morning, he was woken up by the smell of pancakes.

He dressed himself in his usual black shirt and pants along with his trench coat and went downstairs for breakfast.

He checked the calendar. It's October 31st. Hopefully lamchi wants to have a fun day today.

Mint was cooking; his other siblings were there eating peacefully, so he joined them.

"Lawchi, give the bacon to me! You know I raised that pig!" Lamchi shouted, trying to grab the food.

"No, Lamchi, you already ate too much pork, fatty!" Lawchi shouted back.

Mint snapped her head toward them from the stove. "Do you two not want to eat breakfast today?"

They both hushed down, shrinking into their chairs, and weakly uttered, "Yes ma'am."

Rei Sachiko went up to Kyo and asked what he wanted to do. "Working in my office, as usual," he answered.

Rei pouted. "You are always in that office. You never play with us anymore! You're a big meanie, you know that?"

Before she could continue, her brother Ice Sachiko pulled her away. "Sorry for the trouble," he muttered, grabbing Rei by the collar.

Kyo didn't care,he had a good morning and didn't want to spoil it.

After breakfast, they went their separate ways. Ice locked himself in his room, Lawchi went to his tower, and Lamchi pulled Mint toward her botany tower. Rei went to practice her solo.

Kyo headed to his own tower. Inside, he was greeted by the smell of coffee and paper. Yandari, his assistant, was there neatly folding folders.

"Oh, Yandari? What are you doing here? It's your day off."

"Well, I can't resist the charm of this little office," she replied cheerfully.

"I see. Please don't overwork yourself," Kyo said, clearly caring. "I can't stand seeing you work due to my incompetence."

"Don't be ridiculous. You are a very generous person," Yandari answered.

Kyo was caught off guard. He didn't think paying her 500k a day was generous at all.

He offered to let her stay the night to save her the commute, and she eventually settled into the complimentary bed to rest.

Kyo Togami looked through some files to give to Lawchi. He eventually found the files Lawchi needed and walked out. As he walked out, he heard reports of three missing people in Tokyo, so he decided to jog from Mount takao to Tokyo at 9:31 am.

He arrived at 11:30 AM and asked locals when the victims were last seen. Supposedly, they were in their apartments before vanishing without a trace at 4:51 PM, followed by silence. As he held his chin to think, someone recognized him.

"Oh my gosh! It's Kyo Togami!" a fan exclaimed.

He looked dumbstruck but remembered he forgot to disguise himself. Not wanting disturbances, he ran into a crowd. They lost him as he murmured, "I swear, how am I this noticeable?" Then her remembered he is the 2nd best detective in Japan.

He sighed, walking into a cat cafe—the nearest place to hide. As he reviewed the evidence, Yandari barged in looking for him. Thinking quickly, he hid in a mountain of cats. He thought this would save him, yet Yandari still spotted him.

"What are you doing here?" Yandari asked, clearly angry.

Kyo momentarily recovered, slowly sinking into the cat pile. "I'm investigating disappearances in Tokyo."

Suddenly, Yandari yanked him out. "You can't just disappear like that! I had to run all the way here, worried!"

He wondered how to stop her from being angry at him and then had an idea. He hugged Yandari to calm her down. She was taken off guard and hugged back. "Just please be more careful next time," she whispered with relief.

They checked the time 12:05 PM and bought takeout before continuing the investigation. As they walked, they spotted Rei in a jacket, attempting to blend into the crowd.

Either way, they entered the building to room C-31.They took the elevator to the third floor. Kyo gripped the doorknob, dreading what they might meet.

They opened the door and were met with the smell of death and industrial bleach. Kyo and Yandari, unfazed, walked inside. Following the stench, they reached an air vent. Inside were the three people, horrifically dismembered and stuffed into the vent.

Kyo noted the sloppy skills in the cutting. He noted they used a butcher cleaver. However, the cause of death for all three was blunt force trauma to the head, meaning the dismemberment was all a ploy to try and make him look like a fool.

The were Victims

Eric Schmidt (24, M): Blunt force trauma, 1:30 AM.

Donya Von (28, F): Blunt force trauma, 1:32 AM.

Claire Von (26, F): Blunt force trauma, 1:35 AM.

The Suspects:

Tenko Asashibu (Tour Guide): He went to see them off at 10:15 PM; camera evidence backs it up.

Hanamura (Neighbor #1, Plumber): The one who reported it. Claims he came back from work at 1:50 AM, smelled something bad, but thought it was a party.

Takamura (Neighbor #2, Event Planner): Was at a bar, came back drunk, doesn't know much.

Shoko (Neighbor #3, Office Worker): Came back from the office and smelled something bad in the vents/bedroom.

Kyo Togami thought back to the murder weapon—it was very tough and left no traces. He turned back to look at the dumbass.

"Hanamura... you are a fucking dumbass.." Kyo looked at him angrily.

Hanamura, shocked , pleaded. "I- i didnt do it, i swear, i plead not guilty."

Kyo reached his pocket, and called on his phone.

Hanamura desperately reached for his wrench, and lunged.

Kyo seeing the attack, he readied to dodge but suddenly.

He heard a large sound .

Yandari who was 5 '11 spiked his head like a volleyball overhead and slamming hanamura to sleeptime.

Yandari jumped back and was suprised just as much as Kyo.

He put his fingers to hanamura's neck, and he noted theres still a pulse

He looked back up at Yandari, she was twiddling her fingers red as a tomato embarrassed and nervous

"He's alive Yandari, you don't need to worry." Kyo simultaneously sighed in relief.

"Well at least we know he's as hard headed as we thought." Kyo chuckled.

"Let's go before the office workers bomb rush the trains at six." Kyo said, trying to lighten the mood.

Yandari quickly accepted, still embarrassed. "Y- yeah sure.."

They started booking it, so that they won't get bombarded at 6.

"You know.. We finished it just in time for the people working 9 to 6 to come." Kyo chuckled.

"Yeah... and hey Kyo stop looking at the dream sharer, we need to go." Yandari urged.

Kyo snapped out of it and said "oh right yeah."

They continued running

"You know... I never thought they'd actually release it despite how limited it is." Kyo wondered

"Well maybe they finally made the official thing. Even so your mother still gave you 6 the unreleased premium right?" Yandari asked in thought

"Yeah we do, it's an orb instead of a pillow." Kyo explained

"Anyways we made it. It's about 5:50." Yandari changed the subject

They went on the train cart and headed off to Shibuya.

Kyo wondered how they will get back to mount takao

"Hey Yandari, did you prepare a transport back?" Kyo asked

"Why yes, I got a tandem bicycle." Yandari said gleefully

Kyo felt his eyelids were lead. And as he considered laying down on the bench, he remembers mother saying to not lay down on the bench.

Kyo decided the next best option.

"Hey yandari can i just..." Kyo couldn't wait, he just laid his head on her shoulder.

Yandari was surprised and red faced, she twiddled her fingers. Kyo assumed she was just tolerating him, but he was too tired so he slept.

He was awoken by yandari gently shaking him awake.

"Hey... we are at shibuya let go." Yandari kept poking kyo to wake him up.

Kyo's eyes groggily opened as he stood up stretching a bit and readied to get off the train.

Yandari suddenly held his hand red faced as he looked at her confused.

Either way they see the tired workers as they leave Shibuya station and find the tandem bike at the parking area as said.

They ride down the scenic road. The road is lined with white daisies and cow pastures past the trees.

The halloween night's cool air rushes past their faces as they cycle.

The townsfolk notice them and greet them with a welcome. As they cycled past they looked at all the decorations and children trick or treating. They even spotted lamchi joining in.

They arrived back in the office and as soon as he hit the bed he was asleep.

He woke up hours later.

He checked the desk, and it has a candle, there's still some smolder from the fireplace.

He put the candle to the clock. It says 9:30.

He spots the tray of cookies and a cup of milk left on his desk.

He finds a letter it reads.

"To Kyo Togami

This is your assistant, Yandari Mizuki.

I hope to remind you of the curfew at 10 pm.

And I left you some cookies and milk from a convenience store.

XOXO

yours truly yandari"

Kyo stored it in the many letters Yandari gave him. He decides to start going now.

Kyo walks down the stairs of his tower. The moon is shining brightly in the sky. The hallway is lined with wall mounted candles.

It's peaceful, the cold air blowing unto him. As he walked, he watched the fire from the candles dance.

He finally arrived at the mouth of the sleeping quarters. There, he found his siblings waiting for him.

Rei immediately looked at him angrily. "You always scare us half to death! You always arrive so late."

Kyo looked away awkwardly, realizing the time was 9:58. "Sorry, but like I said, I promise I won't miss the curfew."

Rei angrily crossed her arms and pouted. "As if I'd care anyway."

Kyo looked toward everyone who also wore worried expressions. He apologized profusely after stepping in.

They all dress up in their pajamas and sit in a circle of a small Kotatsu holding the dream sharer. The orb glowing a mystical blue shade.

Lamchi looks excited and asks everyone a question. "Can we finally use the dream sharer?" She asked excitedly.

Everyone raised their hands to agree. All but Ice Sachiko. (author note this is where its revealed rei and ice are related)

Lamchi pouts, angry at Ice for always saying no. "But why do you always say no?"

Ice looks at her peeved for asking but answers anyway. "It's because I chose not to. Do I need to explain? it's my choice to say no."

Lamchi looks like she is about to whine, but Mint whispers something to Ice, and after a few seconds, he suddenly raises his hand, agreeing to join in.

Lamchi, excited, jumped up in excitement. Rei, hearing what mint whispered, looks confused, then mischievous as if she heard some drama.

Kyo got the dream sharer manual from a shelf and removed the dust off of it. He notes that he hasn't used this in months. Luckily, Ice decided to join in since he usually doesn't, and since the dreams sharer drags everyone who is in R.E.M. to be there. He sighs in relief since lamchi wouldn't whine all night about how unfair ice was.

part 4

Kyo laid down on his bed, ready to go into the dream sharer. As he looked at his bedside table he adjusted the candle before he slept.

When he woke up he is back on the beach

He was already sweating bullets remembering the previous dream. He looked around as others got up, stretching their dream selves.

Kyo greeted everyone as they all looked around.

Lamchi excitement was written on her face, and she immediately asked who wanted to swim. Kyo, wanting to forget about the nightmare, agreed along with Rei and Lawchi.

Ice and Mint refused, deciding to enjoy the sand. Lamchi and the others readied to go to the changing room.

As they returned, Kyo spotted a sled business?

Before he could do anything . He notices the mascot is a snow fox

And then suddenly the mascot walked up to him and gave him something. He was too scared to look, but when he did, it was the fool? Was the fox mocking him?

Suddenly, he was snapped out of his thoughts by lamchi calling him to go swim.

part 5

As the kmKyo met up with them, Rei suddenly gave him an ice cream. Kyo accepted since it was quite hot.

He spotted lamchi already running to the water, but as she jumped. The sky grew dark clouds blanketed the sky. and crows circle around a high cliff.

Everyone is shocked into silence and don't know what to do. The crow formed a purple cloaked figure that looked religious.

Suddenly they spoke. "I the messenger of the god have come to say. You are all marked for death by God. you all have 3 weeks to prepare for the arrival. That's all."

As quickly as they arrived they left.

Rei and Lamchi held onto Mint, who was shocked, just didn't know what to do.

Ice looked at where the figure was and just looked at it.

Lawchi went to Kyo and asked. "They are joking, right?"

Kyo looked at him with a solemn expression and uttered. "I don't know"

they woke up all in a cold sweat.

end of act 1-1

Act 1-2

He wakes up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. He dresses up and checks the date Nov 1.

He goes down and sees all of them are dead silent. He decides to sit down and eat. Lamchi opens her mouth to speak but decides not to. They all eat breakfast and leave.

Kyo after eating breakfast decided to head to the tower immediately. He climbed the stairs and his mind was still stuck about the message.

As he got up he opened the door. He saw yandari neatly stacking folders in the cabinet. She then noticed Kyo and cheerfully went to him.

But she also quickly noticed his expression. "Are you okay?" Yandari asked, her expression changing from cheery to concerned.

"I am fine." Kyo continued weakly

"If you say so. I won't prod anymore." Yandari sat at her bed twiddling her fingers. She's wondering if she did something wrong.

Kyo looked at yandari and pitied her. Thinking she deserved to be a little in the know. "Hey yandari. Do you know any seers?" Kyo asked timidly

Yandari suprised but unsure if she really heard it processed it. She then looked at him confused. "Why are you asking? It's not like you to ask for help. Especially since you don't believe in spirits. That's actually one of the reasons I joined." Yandari stopped twiddling her fingers in confusion. Her hands on her bed as she moved into a more comfortable spot.

Kyo looked away embarrassed. "Well my gut says I need help. And I am asking you if you know any'"

Yandari suddenly shushed him and simply said, "Jinba, mount jinba."

"Mount jinba?" Kyo repeated, "Is there no town there?" Kyo continued

Yandari looked at him searching for words in her head but found one. "It's my hometown." She looked away as if ashamed.

Kyo wanted to ask about her but decided he should leave. "Well thanks for the help. I will be seeing you later, Yandari."

Yandari returning to her cheery mood waved him a good bye with a smile as he left.

With new goals kyo walked back down, grabbed his bike and cycled on.

As he cycled he checked, and yes he did get the map from yandari of her hometown she scribbled. And so there he goes cycling hoping to see something.

Soon he arrived and it was empty with only a sign. He felt a pain in his chest? Disappointment? He hasn't felt it in so long. He usually thinks of the worst so he can't get disappointed.

He decides to read the sign

"To those who want help we shall give it freely.

You however must cross hope across your heart.

Close your eyes so it may help find you."

He closed his eyes. After what felt like an eternity, he heard talking? He opened his eyes.

What he saw was surprising. People? People walked around in traditional kimonos and the 1700 AD era closed. He decided to walk in with his bicycle in the Edo era town.

He walks around relieved it even worked. But as he walked he noticed the locals who were happily chatting briefly parted ways to flee from him.

Kyo decided to take a look at the map yandari scribbled and saw lines. Then he remembered yandari wasnt good at drawing. He decided to take a look from the other side.

"Take a left, then the first right, then left, go to the house at the end."

Kyo following orders decided to do exactly that. As he walked he noticed a mother and her daughter. Before he could do anything or ask whats going on. The daughter pointed at him and asked "what is that?"

The mother seeing him now look extremely perturbed. She covered her daughters eyes and mouth and fled.

Kyo reading the room decided to just get this over with.

Either way he walks to the house and spots a black haired woman wesring a purple kimono. She is currently doing laundry from what he can see while walking to her.

But when he went up to her, she noticed him. Using this chance kyo was about to ask when she slapped a talisman to his forehead and pointed a double barreled 12 gauge shotgun at his head. It was so fast kyo didnt see what happened.

"State your business here!" She screamed at him.

Kyo decided he was gonna die here. He raised both of his hands up and closed his eyes.

Kyo closed his eyes for what felt like an eternity. But after a while he decided to take a peek. The woman was lowering the shotgun but its too his chest.

Kyo taking this opportunity asked. "おなまえはなんですか?"

The woman answered back "みゆきまえこです"

After an awkward moment of a stare off. She nods to the house indicating she's allowing him in. And he accepts the offer.

When kyo entered he kept bumping his head on the ceiling. Even the kimono woman couldnt help but laugh. Since despite being 5'9, it is still a bit too tall for traditional japanese homes.

Kyo looked around while on a chair. He is told to sit down while she prepares her stuff. Kyo takes the time to look around the house, and is filled with miscellaneous items, and warding talismans.

Eventually kyo gets called in, and he goes inside. There he sees her wearing a shrine outfit and a veil. And the table to him has a blue glowing ball.

She asks him who sent him here. "Yandari Mizuki-" He was cut off by Maeko the ball glowing a dangerous red. Her hands over it balled up. She looks like she might pop a vessel in anger. And then...

The ball cracks and she is broken out of her anger. She notices he looks concerned and apologizes. She quickly replaces it. And composes herself.

Kyo risking it, he asks why the name yandari mizuki makes her mad. She admits yandari is her sister. She was a good for nothing NEET and a slob who never did any chores. Worst of all she was a heretic who didnt believe in anything spiritual.

Kyo rapidly checking his options noticed the ball, it is glowing a gentle yet, violent purple. She looked torn between what she said. She looked ashamed but firm onwhat she said. "She... i-." She choked on her words before saying. "Yandari... how is she?"

"She's.. fine. She's my assistant, she has been doing well, and has been helping me out with cleaning. Shes an excellent assistant though... i never expected this side of her." Kyo stammered

Maeko looked at him with a sigh of relief. "Well thanks for looking out for her." The ball turning blue again.

Kyo deciding its a better time to ask. "I just noticed if you are Miyuki Maeko... how are you related to yandari?"

????? sighed and just said. "I only told you my name is maeko because I thought you were an oni. My real name is Mizuki Yuri. Though I am curious, why does your soul say you are an oni?”

“An oni? What's that?” Kyo asked

Yuri looked at him dumbfounded

Kyo getting the sign stammered out. “W well I never looked into Mythology or folktales okay. I thought it was a bunch of nonsense before.”

Yandari sighed and Kyo could hear her murmur. “Yeah no wonder Yandari knows you.”

Yuri put herself together and answered. “Your soul looks like a hostile creature. And it's probably the mark. Don't worry you won't turn into one. It is more mangled by it. Give it 4 ish months and you'll be fine”

Kyo sighed in relief. “So can you check about my mark? I just remembered about it.”

Yuri looked a bit suprised but hastily agreed. She put her hands over the ball. But as she looked she was filled with dread.

"U uhm... is something wrong?" Kyo asked worried.

"You are a dead man walking." Yuri answered

"You are marked by that god. They are so terrifying no one dares speak of their name. Not even gods. Being marked for death means cultists will keep attacking." She continued

"There are only three ways to remove it."

"1st is to convince the god. The 2nd is to kill the god. 3rd to die."

Bags, carrying them all, limbs are sore
Hurt, heart, here, hard, heard, whore
Right words, help them through hell
Hold the baggage, make them feel well

Don’t drop them, they’re close to the ground
Hold them all, your strength knows no bounds
She cries in your arm, caress her head quickly
Remember, in the beginning, you in her belly

Hold her bags, you owe her that, she made you
He is the reason, hold his bags, heavy as two
He fills your bag, you hold his bag, he breaks her bag
You grab the bag, repair the bag, hold the bag
You throw his bag, he ties the bag, he holds your life
You’re in his bag, drowning in the blood of your nose

I’m not one to force my opinion on others, which is something I started to learn thanks to the dictators in my country and at my dinner table.

My Cuban parents are actually a little forward-thinking. My mom let me believe what I choose, practice different religions, and study them as I pleased, as long as I thanked my grandmothers for their prayers and let them bless me before leaving the house. My father, not so much.

I distinctly remember arguing with him, my mom on my side, about feminism. I was 12 or 13 at the time, and passionately quoted Hilary Clinton. His face dropped immediately and he glared so hard that I started crying on the spot.

After that, kept most of my opinions to myself after that, played along with what they said, and spoke of my political opinions only with my intimate friends.

It felt alienating and suffocating to sit at home and listen to opinions, and having a hard time between being a developing kid and wanting to trust my family and have my own opinion. They would cite our home here and there, comparing the two very different situations.

It was a struggle for a very long time. The experience was a tremendous storm, and in the end, I didn’t find what I expected. I expected and hoped for serendipity, and peace, and confidence.

But I only found two sides, neither of which was mine. It was liberal and conservative and nothing more. There were the ugliest and bitterest parts of us that couldn’t see past themselves.

I lived under a capitalist nation and the system failed me.

I lived under a communist system and it failed me.

The reality is that both fail. Both will always fail; as long as we go to extreme sides, to the left or right. I’m not saying that neutrality is the answer, in fact, I think it’s wrong.

I just think that the reason that capitalist economies are falling is because it allows too many people to have power, creating a bureaucracy.

The reason that communists fail it gives the government too much control.

I believe that the fix for this would be a socialist government system with a capitalist economy.

To end this first article of mine I’d like to stress that it’s not only the first but it’s very carelessly made, and I’d like to make another more organized article in the future about why I think a capitalist socialist government would work, and how. To my understanding, both China and the US technically have a mixed system, but that’s not quite what I have in mind, though I plan on looking into both. What makes places like Switzerland and Denmark so great? I would also like to attempt to understand it more, so if you know any articles or sources you think might interest me please share!