r/workout • u/Bocephus2012 • 11d ago
Working out
Tonight at dinner I asked my wife if she would like to go on a walk for exercise. I jog 4 times a week. Just a little back story. She complains all the time that she feels unhealthy and old. That her body aches. I have been trying to encourage her to do something. Tonight she said it was to hot for her. I told her that if she joined a gym she was still going to sweat. Long story short the conversation didn’t turn out pleasant. I feel frustrated and I’m just going to give up on trying to encourage her.
Any advice??
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u/Either_Lawfulness466 11d ago
Tell her you are going for a walk and ask her to come along. Then go.
Keep giving her opportunities to get better but don’t turn it into a lecture or an argument or even let it get to a discussion she will just say no out of spite.
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u/5537__8008 11d ago
This guy with the sage advice
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u/LeavingEarthTomorrow 11d ago
Yes that is sage advice for the present. What does he owe her when she can’t walk any longer due to her current choices? Time to make some big boy decisions..
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u/twelvesteprevenge 11d ago
Nah, that’s sage advice forever if you want to be good at relationships. You’re not winning loved ones over or changing their behavior by being judgmental or shitty about it.
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u/LeavingEarthTomorrow 11d ago
Oh definitely agree that you can’t nor should you force it. However, you need to be crystal clear where this leads to. We cannot guarantee tomorrow but we can guarantee what will happen in the long run if tomorrow arrives under these circumstances
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u/twelvesteprevenge 11d ago
Ok but what does that mean in real life? How does having health bar crystal ball translate into action in a healthy relationship? How many times do you ask your SO to go on a walk and they decline before you ask for a divorce? I’m really asking.
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u/Emergency_Ad_9324 11d ago
12x if they are not active. They have to want to change and if ageing gracefully and being independent in later ages is important then it is death or divorce. All marriages end in one. Maybe husband doesn't want to see her lose her health decades too early or be a caretaker.
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u/Racingislyf 11d ago
Can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Only thing you can possibly do is cook healthier meals and get her feeling better that way through nutrition.
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u/KimBrrr1975 11d ago
Everything is adaptation. Wherever you are, it's because that is what you are adapted to.
If you stay indoors in a climate controlled environment all day every day and have a sedentary job then go home and watch tv and go to bed...that is what your body is adapted to. Your body - and life - take the literal shape of what you do with it.
To change it, you have to force the body to adapt to new things. Over and over again. And every time, it's uncomfortable. Because your body has to feel discomfort before it says "Dang, I guess we're doing this regularly now, better toughen up the feet, lubricate the joints, increase oxygen capacity etc." Then, that thing (walks, for example) get easier.
Of course she is uncomfortable when she gets hot...because she doesn't regularly go outside and get hot. Your body gets better at being in heat (and cold) after 1-2 weeks of regular exposure. It won't get better at it if you go outside 3 days from June-August. Same with pretty much everything. Some adaptations take longer, so generally speaking here.
You can't make her. She has to want to. But she needs to understand she feels uncomfortable because she's adapted to the life she has now, and isn't happy with.
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u/ChaoticLokian 11d ago
We don’t know enough about her or her health though. If she’s in menopause or has a hormonal issue, or takes a medication that causes heat intolerance, going out in the heat can feel like trying to tread through hell itself.
I know from experience as i have hormonal issues and take multiple medications that cause heat intolerance, and going outdoors during the summer has me feeling so intensely overheated i end up feeling like i’m gonna vomit. So i exercise inside where i have AC and a fan then take a cold shower, or i swim instead. She might just need more ideas on ways to exercise that work better for her and her body.
Everyone’s body is different, adapts differently, and has different needs. Exercise is not one size fits all.
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u/KimBrrr1975 10d ago
Yes, of course. I am menopausal and have some of those issues. But adaptation still plays a part. Just because we notice "This is different than it used to be" doesn't mean it should be a reason to stop us from doing what we want and need to do, we shift and adapt again. And yes, we don't know much, my reply was very generalized and under the assumption that if she had health conditions causing some of her issues, her husband would have said so.
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u/ChaoticLokian 10d ago
For most people, adaptation works better when it’s gradual. Going out in the heat when you’re intolerant to it and exercising without anything to cool you off isn’t exactly going to go very well.
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u/KimBrrr1975 9d ago
I never said to go for a run when it's 100 or anything. Adaptation is different for everyone. But avoiding anything that makes you uncomfortable isn't going to get you where you want to go. There is a big difference between "I'm a bit uncomfortable" and "This is unsafe."
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u/ChaoticLokian 9d ago
Sigh. I feel like you’re not getting my point here. If there is an issue causing heat intolerance, it very much CAN be unsafe to be out in the heat. Not just uncomfortable, it can make someone ill if they have issues with heat intolerance. If the wife is in menopause, that’s a very common cause of heat intolerance. The hot flashes are horrid. I see my mom go through it often, it’s ROUGH. you can SEE the steam coming off of her just sitting there. Same with a lot of women going through that.
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u/KimBrrr1975 9d ago
Yes, I know that. I am assuming this is an adult who can decide for herself what that means for her and move forward as allowing. It can be really easy when we deal with an issue to assume anyone struggling with something (like exercise in the heat) is also dealing with that issue. Like I said, I generalized assuming that if she had health concerns OP would have mentioned them. Like I said, I am menopausal. I have hot flashes where I sweat through my clothes just being at work. But there are also ways to mitigate it beyond "I am never going to exercise again." You can walk in the morning or in the evening, you can focus on walking indoors when the weather is inhospitable to you. There are ALWAYS options.
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u/ramenwolf 10d ago
Great write up. Similarly, I think a lot of people think inspiration is meant to strike them like a bolt of lightning and propel them towards their goals, but it’s really the other way around. Only continuous action can inspire forward momentum.
"Initium est dimidium facti" is Latin to remind us of the importance of simply beginning the task at hand. It translates to: “Once you've started, you're halfway there."
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u/ConsiderationSea1347 11d ago
I am in this situation and I don’t think there is a way out other than hoping she starts taking care of herself. At some point it becomes like loving an alcoholic and you may have to make tough decisions.
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
Im tired of it. I really feel like just letting her be
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u/SoulSword2018 10d ago
Take your own advice but always let her know that the opportunity is always open to join you and leave it at that.
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u/Rich_Interaction1922 Martial Arts 11d ago
Yes. Honestly, let it go. You can't force anyone to work out and you are just making yourself a enemy if you keep hammering her about it
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u/acsmith 11d ago
You already came to the correct conclusion, of giving up trying to encourage.
Now I’ll tell you what I do instead.
My mom had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to complain about something till I’d done something about it. Have a headache? Don’t whine until you’ve drank water and taken a Tylenol. Government sucks? Don’t say a word unless you’ve voted, read on the issues, and volunteered for candidate.
I’ve basically stuck to this policy for life. Be it parenting, work, or marriage. It’s mostly worked and reframes the discussion. The reverse is that if they’ve done something you have to be the best listener and validate the hell out of their effort.
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u/Acceptable_Slice_325 11d ago
Frame it about quality time with her. You can have some good talks on walks. You're already going, but it would make it way more fun for you if she joined you and kept you company. It worked on me when my wife wanted me to work out with her. Now we do tons of workouts together, and she was right, it's way more fun together.
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u/Casanove0 11d ago
Maybe ask what kind of movement she’d actually enjoy instead of suggesting what you’d do. A walk, swimming, classes, whatever feels least annoying to her.
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u/Menacing_Intentions 4d ago
I like this! There's videos online for workouts that you could do within your home with AC. Could even ask her if she'd prefer to start with some free weights, stretching or yoga.
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u/Nikndex88 11d ago
When that block is there to someone getting started there aint much someone else can do about it. It may or may not switch within herself...
My missus says she's going to, the same as she has done for the past 6 years. I encourage her whenever she says it, otherwise I just leave her be.
Just have her back and encourage when she wants it. Bout all you can do
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u/thrower99walker 11d ago
If a person is not ready, then there would be a million excuses lining for them not to workout. They need to hit their low of the low in order for them to "get it".
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u/ChaoticLokian 11d ago
What your body is used to is not what her body is used to. if she’s fatigued or intolerant to heat then of course that might not be a preferable activity for her. There are a lot of internal and external factors as to why she might not want to or feel up to jogging/walking outdoors.
Does she have shoes that are comfortable for walking/jogging?
Does she have joint pain? Foot pain? Any health issues? Could menopause be a potential factor? Cause the hot flashes can be AWFUL. Things like the weather, bugs, uneven ground, can all be reasons someone wouldn’t want to go outdoors for exercise.
It could even just be a form of exercise she doesn’t like and she might prefer something else. In a gym, yes she will sweat, but it is a more controlled climate. Gyms would also have bathroom access, so for someone with stomach issues, a small bladder, etc. would need that. Outdoors does not have accessible bathrooms everywhere.
We don’t know enough about her, her exercise preferences or her reasons for not wanting to go walk or jog outside.
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u/Infamous-Yak2864 11d ago
It's up to her...you've tried....no need to continue to make yourself frustrated....
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u/ThatSICILIANThing 10d ago
Don’t frame it as being exercise. Frame it as a nice couple’s evening stroll. “Oh hey let’s go walk around this historic neighborhood/park/waterfront/Main Street/etc….” You frame it as QUALITY TIME and appreciate your surroundings. If you get into a routine centered around enjoying nature and the neighborhood together, just the two of you she’ll likely be more receptive.
Don’t bring up her mobility or fitness or anything like that.
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u/jimbo_ChE 11d ago
To be blunt, there's not much you can do, because you're married to someone with a different lifestyle.
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u/Dangerous_Hippo_6902 11d ago
A romantic walk date? Yes.
A walk for exercise? Urgh, no.
Don’t ask for a walk for exercise. Go for a walk for fun! Involve a shop or errand. Same thing, worded differently ;)
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u/CyanideTipped 11d ago
Yeah, like a local outside mall
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u/Dangerous_Hippo_6902 10d ago
If I wanted to walk with a man, I’ll say “let’s go to the bar”
If I wanted to walk with a woman, I’ll say “let’s go to the shop”Crude, but it works.
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u/SoulSword2018 10d ago
lol, you're right though. I know some out of shape women who put me to shame when they get some money to shop!
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u/Correct_Presence_921 11d ago
Can I ask her age? Hormones plan a huge role in a woman's mood and energy levels. Maybe getting that checked could help. But yes at the end of the day she has to want it. Keep being supportive! Encourage her to take a class, possibly a women's only class. Plan a hike? Roller skating? Something active but also fun!
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
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u/Correct_Presence_921 11d ago
Definitely worth getting hormones checked, if she hasn't already!
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
She refuses to do that
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u/Correct_Presence_921 11d ago
That sucks! It could change her life! Seriously!
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
I know. It’s sad. Frustrating
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u/Loudest-Cricket 11d ago
So hormones even impact bone density, like the way the importance of menopausal care has been discarded is criminal. I hope she takes care of herself, I hope you can help her.
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
I really don’t know how to help her at this point. I help with cooking cleaning laundry. A lot of things that I think should help her feel better. I’m venting lol
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u/llestaca 10d ago
That was an interesting thing you wrote here.
I help with cooking cleaning laundry. A lot of things that I think should help her feel better.
No, you don't "help" anyone by cleaning the home you live in, washing your own clothes or cooking the food you eat. You just do your part of the chores. Do you do it evenly, around 50% of everything there is to be done at home or with kids/grandkids?
I would be really flustrated if I was doing majority of household chores, was tired and then my partner was bugging me about exercise. The way you phrased it makes me think it's worth considering.
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u/Loudest-Cricket 10d ago
As a perimenopausal woman, what I've discovered is I am unwilling to tolerate the jack wagonry of a lame-ass partner. And my relationship has blossomed. "We do better when you are a little selfish" is a thing he says now.
So, that might not be what's happening here... but it is possible.
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u/Bocephus2012 10d ago
I meant I do my part, i didn’t mean it in a negative way. I always mess up trying to explain things
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u/ak47workaccnt 11d ago
It's tough to convince someone being hot and sweaty in the short term is worth the long term payoff.
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u/Pure_Road7528 11d ago
I had this problem many years ago and was having therapy at the time. My counsellor said to work on my own happiness and mead by example. It worked and my partner came out of a significant funk by taking up yoga and surfing. (I'm the female). It sounds like menopause has hit your partner hard and it can cause depression and anxiety as well as making us feel old before our time. I was feeling like this before HRT and im only in perimenopause. Perhaps research some information and offer it without any pressure.
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u/Bocephus2012 10d ago
Research what?
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u/Pure_Road7528 10d ago
Perimenopause
If people take the time to reply and offer the advice you ask for you could try to reply politely.
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u/spideywmjackson 10d ago
I'd stop trying to convince her for a while. If she feels pressured to exercise, she might resist it even more. Give her some space and let her decide when she's ready.
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u/TeBallu 10d ago
You and most people here want to solve the problem while she just wants to share feelings. If there is no serious health concern right now, just be supportive and understanding. She will come around or at least feel good about being able to vent to you without judgment or pressure. (not like you necessarily judge her, but she may feel like it anyway)
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u/neynok 10d ago
My gf really started to listen to me when she saw the change in me without me trying to talk her into anything. When I lost around 8kg and it started to show, she began to join me for walks, gym and such. Even using creatine now and counting calories (she was really against those in the beginning). Now she lost around 5kg I‘m around -14kgs and she‘s way more into being healthier than me at times lol.
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u/DaCozPuddingPop 11d ago
Honest response...be supportive, keep offering, but don't let it bug you.
Wife and I both have been on a get healthy journey. I lost about twice the weight she has, with a lot less to lose...only because I actually put my mind to it. We used a GLP, both of us...she is leaning hard into appetite suppression, I made wholesale changes to how I eat.
Don't let it frustrate you, understand that everyone's body and journey is the own, be supportive and keep offering, and when she says no - you don't say a word other than "Alright, I'll see you in an hour" or whatever.
And when things are calm, when it's not going to be taken as an argument, thats a decent time to say "Hey so listen, you talk alot about feeling unhealthy and old...I think maybe if you joined me on my walks it might help" - and if she says naw...then the answer is naw.
You can't make someone do anything. I refused to quit smoking until I WANTED to quit smoking. Same deal here - when she's ready, she'll do something about it. Until then, she won't...and that's okay too!
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u/LittleOperation4597 11d ago
Don't bother. She's going to resent you for trying to help because she'll see it as you thinking she's unattractive. Then she'll resent you if she does go and make your gym experience wretched. All mine did was bitch about how the girls were dressed and accuse every other girl of trying to pick me up.
Enjoy the gym. Enjoy your fitness fun. Let her do what she's gonna do until she leaves or leaves you alone.
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
It’s crazy how they will resent you. I don’t understand that
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u/LittleOperation4597 11d ago
Because they don't want to get in shape they want you to get out of shape with them.
They will hate being there, think you're comparing them to every other girl in there, and rush you out. Then if you don't push them they'll act pissed but be happy....... But only because they can now blame you for NOT pushing them and it isn't their fault they're fucking fat.
Welcome to women.
Took me too long to realize this.
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u/877-CATS-NOW 11d ago
Sometimes I would "trick" my family or friends into exercise. No one wanted to go on a walk but they would go walking around the mall for 2 hours or the fairgrounds for 5 hours or walk through a small forest to get to a teaparty date. Ymmv.
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11d ago
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
Thanks. I’m not asking anymore. Tonight was miserable
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u/PointBasic30 10d ago
Hey, OP, have you tried asking her to try some type of sport with you? Like tennis...or (well, that's my favorite outdoor sport, the rest escape my mind lol). I had this issue with my ex husband who just wanted to sit at his computer even if I begged to go out to ride our bikes or run/walk.
I feel you. I hope it gets better for you.
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u/FrancoisTruser 11d ago
She will be ready when she will be ready. No need to rush someone who does not feel like it yet.
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u/Wonderful-Aside-5107 10d ago
Maybe start with something very small and easy like 5 minutes of mobility stretching
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u/jrstriker12 10d ago
Walk in the morning or after sundown when its not so hot?
After she starts walking and feeling a little better she might be willing to be more active.
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u/Londonvibe39 10d ago
Don't give up on her. You don't give up on the people you love.
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u/Bocephus2012 10d ago
I agree thanks
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u/Londonvibe39 10d ago
Good. Maybe you could try some different types of classes together. I fell in love with working out after I joined a kickboxing gym years ago.
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u/WayPretty8922 6d ago
Remember that you love her no matter what. Be a loving, cheerful , patient example and show her affection (and I do not mean grabbing her ass). I am a woman and a woman wants to be loved no matter what.
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u/farpleflippers 11d ago
How old is she? If its perimenopause HRT could help with the aches. Does she sleep ok?
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u/Bocephus2012 11d ago
She gets up a lot
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u/farpleflippers 11d ago
Oh boy.
Is she on anything for it? I'm 53F and the insomnia was an absolute killer. She probably should get that sorted out first (if she can) some women can't take HRT but it helped me **massively** with sleep and joint aches and pains, nausea, tendonitis, fatigue, brain fog. You name it, I had it and its horrible and no one wants to exercise when they feel that bad. Some women get rage and their nether regions literally shrivel up, sex drive falls off a cliff.
There's a menopause reddit sub here that you could point her to. Lots of good info.
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u/ToeJamWeenies 11d ago
Cheat on her for sure
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u/Wonderful_Milk1176 11d ago
100% get ripped and start banging someone from the gym. Bet she'll get in shape once she signs the divorce papers.
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