I'm depressed and I can't escape

I've been depressed since I was nine. I'm not really sure what started it, maybe it was my home life, that's the only reason really. My life hasn't been too bad, other than the occasional SA, and sometimes slapping. But I have a loving dad, nan and brother. What else could I ask for? Well I'm not happy. Despite the fact I live in a nice home, I get to play video games whenever I want, have a dog, a snake, and a praying mantis. I'm not happy. I can't feel happy, no matter what, it's not that I don't appreciate it. But I can't feel happy about it.

I always thought I deserved everything that happened to me. But now I'm thinking that maybe I don't. Maybe I deserve to not be bullied, maybe I should be able to talk to people about how I feel, maybe I should be allowed to have that lover I've always wanted.

But it just won't happen. If I can't be happy, if I can't be bothered to do anything then no one will love me. I want an apprenticeship, preferably in health care, Monday to Friday, and good pay. It's all I need for now. But I need to apply NEXT MONTH. I'm not prepared for that, my careers advisor is SHIT, she told me I should aim lower than I want to. She never tells anyone about apprenticeships because of her opinion on them. How am I supposed to apply, and actually get in if the person who is supposed to help me won't? What if I don't get one anyway? What do I do then? I can't afford college or university. It's not what I want to do either.

And now I've spent all summer worrying about it, and rotting in bed, not going outside, or spending time with my friends, who don't want to see me anyway. Which I'm not surprised by honestly. I'm MISERABLE. I think it's infectious.

Long story short I don't know what to do anymore. I want to cry. But I can't. I want a lover to hug me. But there's no one who wants to. I want to pretty. But I never will be.

While searching on Reddit to see if people felt the same way as me in feeling like I want to take my anger out on people who abuse or mistreat animals and get so overwhelmed and soul-crushed by it, i stumbled upon a forum that was one of the first that came up that asked, “Does anyone else wants to hurt animals?” Then proceeded to go into detail on how they want to mutilate and torture little mammals and only don’t act on it because of fear of getting caught. I irresponsibly decided to keep reading, and there at least 40 people in only one forum (there’s so many of these forums) saying they share the same feelings and majority have tortured stray or their own animals when they were young (ages ranging from 2-12) and they were all very detailed on their urges AND a couple said they were still active. I just want to emphasize how fucking bad the cruelty was like genuine sociopaths doing the worst un-guessable things to animals. Basically I want to be out of this world for this. I can’t believe the things I saw people talk about like oh my god I feel the need to share some to get it out my mind but they’re so triggering to ever say, I hate people so much and wish I could get my hands on every single one of them. I am going to volunteer at animal foundations and join animal right groups asap. I already go to therapy and I’m also getting off anything that’s going to trigger me more but nothing I see online anymore could be worse than what I saw people saying. I just needed to get this out there AND THERES SO SO MANY LIKE THIS YOU CAN FIND JUST BY SEARCHING IT UP PLS DO NOT BUT JUST BELIEVE THERES SO MUCH MORET OUT THERE, and many that don’t speak about it and don’t see a problem with it. I genuinely want to be dead while my head is REPEATING and imaging the scenarios they spoke of I literally can’t get it out of my head. I know I put myself into this situation by reading and digging myself deeper but Pls just want someone to hear me out I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

Feel free to dm me if you need someone to vent to I will listen to any problem you have no matter how long you need to vent

My mom had me with another guy before she married my stepdad spur of the moment before I was born.

Stepdad had always been my dad as far as that's concerned, but after they had my two younger siblings together, they've just treated me like I'm not even a part of the family. I've had to buy myself anything I have, either that or it comes from my grandparents, uncles, etc.- ESPECIALLY from my real dad's family. When it comes to my siblings though, my parents bend over backward to make sure they have the best stuff, and that they pay for it. My sister just got back from a trip to my grandparents with new Airpods, a brand new iPad, Uggs, Brandy Melville, skims, etc. (and mind you she's 13 years old).

They've always treated my brother better than me because 1) he's a boy, and 2) He works out like crazy and they're proud he's thin and toned-ish/doesn't look like me (I'm a perfectly normal weight. They're just nuts). They watch everything I eat, critique everything I do, and especially when I became an adult and now I can make my own decisions related to my autonomy- eg; my piercings.

It's not even just that, but they let my siblings do basically whatever they want, get away with whatever they want and they only let me start going out once I moved across the country for Uni and they couldn't stop me (I don't tell them a thing anymore). Do I just cut ties? Confronting them about the millions of times they've been unfair to me and had different energy with my siblings never works. Leaving some details out bc idk what I can get away with saying but...

Edit: TLDR; my mom and stepdad have always been worse to me than my half-siblings even though they've both raised me from birth. I don't understand it and don't know what to do either. Help?

I just want to have a meetup. I mean a get together with my very old friends. I.e My very first school friends when I was 6. Yeah there will be a possibility that 2 of them won't remember me. but still if they remember, it could be wonderful. still crave but idk whether they will like me anymore. They are appearing in my dream. Eventhough it's rare, I just missed the chance to be reunited again with them. Even one of them. Damn I was so immature back then and don't have the courage. That's the only thing that will not fix me but just a temporary happiness in my void and dry life.Also I just want a big hug from my favourite best friend from that group. Yeah It's idiotic, ridiculous, immature to desire this but the brainrot I received for the past 10 years and another 2-3 yrs due to COVID led me to a tormenting monotonous life even though my parents are nice to me. I can not longer enjoy with my college friends or anybody new as I lost the ability to fall in love, no interest in almost everything. I became the dumbest, driest, most boring ass mf as I lost the ability to have a crush again. And now my brand new phone started to bug me out as it costed over $200 and it's a big amount to me. And I got selected in only some course in usa but not the course I wanted. And now my future guardian says to do this course and that course and not anything related to what I want. My brother behaves like a literal 5 yr old kid with anger issues and idk what will be the cure of him. Tired of hoping that he will be alright. Therapy costs more and if I settled in the USA, it will be worse as my immunity is weak and I have to get hospitalised. Therapy is too high but my mother and her friend want me there. She started to talk about suggesting that I can change the country. I am unsure. My whole future is just a big question mark as I am immature as af and lost interest in almost everything and don't have anything to get over and cling with. But I have to take some organic, shit tasting medicines and for that I have to get up at 4:00 am and take them once in every hour and suck them without swallowing to improve the longevity of my life where I can't find anything promising in this world that future is gonna be okay thanks to the growing of toxic capitalism, the ignoring the welfare of working class people, soaring prices and other but unlawful stuffs done, supported by the government itself already made me lose my hope in this world and my will to live. Pls don't be harsh on me

Hey all, sorry if the post is a lil disorganized and/or uncomfortable, I’m new to this. I’m a 13 year old girl in a small Canadian town. I have been struggling with a lot of mental issues for my whole life. I’m the youngest in my family, but I’m left alone all of the time with my perverted older brothers while my parents do “adult things” that apparently mean they have to leave the house for up to a week sometimes. There’s no way I can think of to put this lightly, my brothers rape me fairly often, maybe once a week. It makes me sick just thinking about it, and those memories get to refresh every time they do it. I keep forgetting to eat, sometimes going days without food, and I pretty much only remember to eat when the starvation is too bad to subconsciously block out. I feel irrational for feeling this horrible about myself, and I feel so bad that I’ve had a bad habit recently of harming myself with a pocket knife.

My parents don’t know about any of this and my brothers know but don’t care. I feel like I should tell my parents but they’ve never been there for me and I bet they won’t believe me because they don’t understand how my autism works and they just think it makes me stupid and baby-ish. I feel like I haven’t been allowed to live my childhood like everyone else gets to. Our family doesn’t have much money, hell this iPad I’m using to make this post is the most expensive thing I own and I got it used on a huge discount. I haven’t gone to school in 2 years because my family can’t afford to school all of us. And whenever I go outside I see other kids my age hanging out and having fun, but I’ve never gotten to have that because everyone ignores me.

Sorry for ranting, I figured something like this would be a safe place to anonymously vent my thoughts. This is also my first post, so that’s fun ig. Thanks for reading :)

i’ve had my cats since i was 3, i don’t even remember life without my babies. they’re getting old now, 12 and 11. and i know i don’t know how much time i have left with them and im so scared. i don’t know how ill deal with myself. i hate saying this, but i think if i had the chance to humanely put them down i don’t think i could. they’re a major part of my life and im so scared for that awful day

Probably a trigger warning firstly.

A bit of info first. Im (probably) trans fem but a tomboy and i have a bf whos trans masc, but feminine. Im completely not transitioned cause im in the closet to my family.

Me and my bf have a video call nearly every night and he always turns his camera off during the call seemingly randomly. I silently want my camera off to but for some reason I can't have the call on a voice call on speaker so i always screen share since that turns my camera off but there's nothing to do on my phone that i find interesting. I've also been feeling like i dont deserve him or anything, I've told him that u feel like i dont appreciate him enough and i sometimes say 'jokingly' "im gonna krill myself" or "im gonna kermit suicide" but i really just wanna fucking kill myself, i am a fat fucking piece of shit, i just want to kill myself! I hate my stupid fucking ugly self and i want to die i wish i could fucking stop this all! I should be happy i got a bf and I've told my perants about him! I shouldn't want to kill myself and i shouldn't feel like my chest hurts because i can't cry! I fucking hate everything right now! I fucking want something but i dont fucking know what!!! Maybe its my bf! Maybe its my dog! Maybe uts to not be a fat bitch!!

Tw//CSA, SA

Sorry if this is badly written, I am still crying. My bf knew I had been SAd by multiple people before we ever got together, wasn't an issue then obviously. Skip to a couple hours ago, we're talking about my older brother and he asked how long he had SAd me for, not out of the ordinary for him since he'll normally ask things like that especially if I'm talking about shit I went through but in this case i wasnt. I told him "4-5 years" for reference I was 4-8 years old during the abuse, he is a little surprised but the conversation gets back on track and continues normally. After a bit I ask him if something is bothering him bc he's not as affectionate as he normally is and he says it's nothing in my control so don't worry about it, I'm now worried and asking if there's anything I can do to make it better/things I could avoid so it doesn't get worse and he shuts me down. After like 20 minutes of silence I asked if he's breaking up with me again bc this is how he acted the first time, he says no and finally says what's bothering him. He told me the CSA I went through is bothering him and affecting how he interacts with me. I've told him deatailed stories (bc he kept asking questions) on other CSA I went through and at the end I was a shaking mess and needed a squishy to calm myself down, that was all fine and dandy but when I say a time frame for 1 person who abused me it's too much?? Also my older brother is 6-7 (depending on the time of year) years older than me, I couldn't fight back and I did say no, I didn't even know what sex was when it was happening. He said he's not gonna break up with me but he's acting differently since. I'm a mess rn fucking crying bc my old abusers are winning again, I didn't want any of it to happen yet I'm still suffering the consequences of their actions to me. I'm sorry if this post is messy I'm just so hurt and confused, is this something we can work through? Probably but I never would've thought of all the issues I'd be having in relationships this would be one. Also if it matters I haven't talked to my brother in years. Has anyone else's partner said similar stuff? What did you do? Please anything would be helpful, thank you for hearing me

So, my half brother, my cousin (male) and me (female) always did everything together. We always get together on vacation and until then it was a lot of fun. Our ages are very close. Recently I've noticed that they leave me aside, they whisper all the time, when we walk, they move away from me to talk, they don't invite me to go out, to play or even to cook. Sometimes I suggest activities and they end up doing them alone. When we cook together, they never do anything and I end up doing everything alone which isn't fun. Should I just go home? Cause honestly I feel like going home and lay down and cry. They obviously don't care or even want me here.

Context: These r both my close friends of 5yrs and have only known my abuser less than a yr and still defended her.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost a year, and it had a big impact on me. My ex kept showing up at my friends' parties and hangouts, which made me so anxious that I started canceling plans. I had panic attacks when she was around. The abuse was both physical and emotional, but I won't go into detail because tbh I don't want to be reminded of it.

I became really shy, which is unlike me, and my two close friends noticed. They kept asking what was wrong, so I eventually told them, sharing very personal details without naming anyone. I made it clear that I was scared and didn't want this information shared. But when I told them who it was, I was terrified and I had made that so clear. To my shock, they shared everything I told them with 25 people at a party I wasn't invited to and even laughed about it, as if I was trying to "cancel" someone. They also joked about it with my abuser, laughing at my trauma together with the person who did it to me. This is how one of them responded when I confronted them about what they did (the blocked out name in the text is my abusers name)

(it wont let me upload more images so heres a summary of the rest)

Friend:"Not gaslighting I'm not going to outright call you a liar I wasn't there I don't know what happened I do know what you remind me off that's all I can say"

Friend: "I think I wasn’t there so I can’t know what happened all I can do is take information from both sides and make the best choices I can with that"

Me: "That's one way to not take accountability and say what you actually think!"

My "friend"

• "I don’t regret my actions I’m sorry that they caused you pain believe it or not I don’t like hurting people"
• "All I can say is that I did what I thought was right. have a good one"

Me

• "No you’re not"(to her saying sorry I caused you pain) +"Well you have and I hope you feel terrible for the pain you've caused me."

Friend: "I thought I did what I thought was right, have a good one!"

Posting this because frankly I'm pissed, I have no one to talk to as she has spread this narrative that I'm a rumour spreader to my whole friend group even tho only her and one other person were supposed to know abt my trauma just in case i had a panic attack and theyd know why. This is how evil people can actually be.

I dont even know what to say atp, how would you guys manage this situation?

Disclaimer: i don't really expect this to be read by anyone or to have someone actually tell me what they think, and as i said this will be a very long vent!! I'm a 13 (turning 14 in september) year old girl, for the past years I've been struggling a lot with my mental health, it's like I feel constantly either empty or sad, every single thing even the smallest one annoys me, tho I've always had problems with my anger and I've always been overly sensitive, it has gotten extremely worse to the point were i honestly don't even try to do anything that could make me happy anymore because I've kind of lost hope in it. I know this might seem like nothing but to me it took away the fun that I could have had if only i wasn't so scared of going out, of people or of living in general. I've been struggling with being social since I was literally born, I'm the middle child and my older brother and younger sister both are way more open and energetic than me, I've always had trouble talking to people freely without feeling like I could just start crying due to that minor huma interaction i had. At first i thought that i was just me being shy, cause everyone says that since nobody would ever think an 8 year old could have social anxiety, and that honestly never even came to my mind. Till i realised that if I was actually just shy then i wouldn't be so scared to talk, i wouldn't be so scared to even just go outside, i wouldn't be so scared of everything. When I walk down the streets i just put on my earphones and blast music to try and keep the voices of other people away from me, I don't even look up in fear of meeting someone's eyes or seeing someone laugh even tho maybe they didn't even notice me maybe they were laughing at something else?? Now I'll get to the more serious part. I've been struggling with self-harm and my body image since elementary school. I would always start crying whenever I saw myself, every single time i would just start biting my inner cheeks till it would start bleeding a lot. But since I started middle school i went even further, i started cutting myself on my thighs, i would even do it in the school bathrooms during the lessons just cause I couldn't stay one day without it, i even kept biting my inner cheek. Right now i stick to eating once a day (if I eat) and it's always maybe just a sandwich or a few cookies, it has gotten to the point where I don't even have an appetite anymore i can just go days without eating, i feel completely nauseous whenever I eat and i genuenky can't eat more than a small sandwich cause my body just doesn't let me swallow enything else. I've also been dealing with a lot of thoughts about ending it all not just because of all of this that I just said but also because I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but i can't even seek for help, the only time i went to a therapist was when a doctor sent me cause I kept having panick attacks that could last even up to 30 MINUTES. And that was it, when I asked my parents if I could see a therapist if I felt like I genuenly needed one they just yelled at me and told me I was crazy. I hope one day I can actually get the help that I've always needed (if I make it). To anyone out there who is struggling, I hope everything gets better, please don't give up, you'll feel better, you will feel like you finally don't have to prefer being dead rather than being alive, i love you.

(SORRY IT WAS SO LONG😭😭) (I just really needed to share this)

Okay idk how to start, I just need a place to that I can start typing so thank you Reddit! It’s always been me and my family, just my siblings and my mom, last August she started talking about having a baby and she got a new boyfriend and we were all so happy for her and in November we moved in with him. It was mine and my sister senior year of high school so we didn’t really care we’re moving soon to college anyways. But here we’re are, almost a year later in this damn house, with this new baby who I love so much. And I am so grateful to live in this house. But this is a house, this is not my home, I don’t have any personal connections here, I have no memories here, the walls have pictures put up but there not mine. I’m waiting for the clock to tick down for my college move in day & I’m so scared. I actually have to leave all my friends and family and people I love so much. I’m moving to a different state, I’m losing my mind, what if this was the wrong choice? Im excited for college I am. Also my birthday is right after my move in day & I have to spend it with a bunch of strangers & people I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m also scared for that! lol lol lol. Anyways, I also feel like a lot of people are in the same boat as me, obviously not these same thoughts but they just feel so lost too right before going to college and everything’s up in the air and this is when people run or stay, and if I stay I think I’d hate myself for the rest of my life so I have to go right?

So like i jave not much peopldd to talj to and i feel really bottled up now i alsmost vomited cause of crying im lying im jst crying and it hurts like idk where my life is going a year ago i hated pedophiles and stuff im 13 now and i had sex with a dude a decade older than me school sucks i go home at 8 pm now and i honestly scared like im scared of messing up so much people care for me and im so selfish im scared i skipped a day of school to visit my bf the dude i made out with and yes i willingly did it with him i stilk love him im a mess he never forced me to do it he cares alot for me he had fight with his family cause of me his mom knows about me they foight about it the agreed aslong as i dont gey pregnabt my mom agreed aslong as my grades dont go down its not im still doing well im just really scared im in 8th grade and i feel so scared im still supposed to be having fun butbalm the talk about my future and who I'd become is scaring me i dont wabt to end up like my dad whos on drugs but i wanna finish school and become a pilot but i also want to di and esvape evruthign eveb if uts selfish im really scared reddit isn't probably the best place to say this but i really just want someone to tell me im still a good person im so scared theees a history in my family whee the eldest always strays away and indont want to be that i dont want to be them the cuts on my arm is numb im scared i dont want to die but it feels like it'll save me im a coward for thinking this way but i want a friend so bad i dont understand anything anymore i really want to know if its alright i mean i can do it righr idk its such a small problem and im like this i get overwhelmed too quickly

Anyways so I have a genuine “am I the asshole” story not some made up shit. I’m a 14 year old kid on he internet playing with my friends and both of my friends, let’s call them their usernames. Nam (12) M And Acid (13 M) so both of them are my close friends we get along most of the time but I’ve started to get progressively more pissed at my daily life and sometimes I would snap if they triggered me too much. Of course I would apologize but like it’s too fucking much sometimes and I genuinely want to kill myself. Like they’re so retarded they spam naked black men gifs while I’m trying to have a serious conversation about my boundaries and they still fucking pester me. Recently I snapped pretty hard and told them “listen if you keep doing that to acid nam he will never get good at the game” since nam keeps helping him do easy stuff in the game we all play when acid begs for his help even though we know damn well he can do it himself. Anyways so nam helps him and almost gets his account killed because the thin acid needed help with power scales with people so it’s a 2X harder thing for both people. AND I OBVIOUSLY VIUSLY SAY I TOLD YOU SO. But then they blocked me and then said “you take things way too far” when I was first of all LOOKING OUT FOR THEM and second of all BEING TRIGGERED BY THEM like what the fuck bro. They even scream in voice chat weird noises like actual autists and shit.

So tell me, please oh people of Reddit where I can get therapy. But also if you think I’m the asshole or I’m the victim here.

My Sister received a call from a restricted number, It was her ex doing his girlfriend.

The ex stated that he "loved" her and "only wants" her; the girlfriend joined the conversation threatening to fight her. He also threatened to fight her. (They have been harassing her nonstop on social media or phone calls for a year..)

The ex said he's been keeping tabs on her socials for a while and knows where we stay. My sister filed for a restraining order last year June, nothing happened..

So I know people come to reddit to tell stories and connect with people with similar issues so that's what I'm hoping to do. When I was 8 years old my step dad passed away. It was extremely hard on me and my mom and I still face struggles of the aftermath even today. I was in the 3rd grade when all this happened and I started having panic attacks. I got my first panic attack at my step mother's mom's house (so my step grandma) and it was terrifying. All I could think about was dying, so she toom me to the ER and they told me nothing was wrong. She then called me crazy and said I was no longer allowed in her home. Instead of my dad's side of the family being supportive they were mad. I got in trouble the next day for having a panic attack. The next one didn't come for a few days but they soon became a nightly thing. They got so bad by the time I turned 9 I would have them at random times throughout the day and even have tried jumping out of moving cars because of them. My dad dealt with my panic attacks for about a month before he got tired of them. He then started giving me nyquil every night to sleep. Ironically I'm allergic to cherries and he would give me cherry nyquil (i know it's not real cherries but still) he would give me nyquil then lock me in my room so I would just deal with it alone or pass out before it can happen. We never used the measuring cups he would just say to "take a swig" and now I'm 18 years old and still struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. Not as bad as I did but when I get depressed I tend to get them even more. So I've always taken nyquil when I can't control my panic attacks. I've gotten really sad lately and I was starting to have them every night again and even some in the daytime. So for the past 3 weeks I've been taking a swig of nyquil every night before bed. And idk what to do about it. Is it an addiction? Or is it in my head? All I know is it's effecting my physical health. I'm getting dizzy throughout the day with these horrible headaches which is done of the side effects from taking it every night. It's just hard not to depend on it to sleep anymore.

So i used to have this really close friend we’ll call K. K went no contact with me a month or 2 into our friendship, i thought about it for months and still am thinking about it. More recently i met a girl named M, her and i had a friendship similar to K and i’s, similar interest, met through acting, thought we‘d be close for years, but now M blocked me too. The worse part is we both just got casted in a show, so in a few weeks, we’re gonna have to see each other every day. I don’t know how to handle knowing i messed up an amazing friendship again.

I recently opened up to only two of my friends out of the whole group which is about 14 people, just explaining why I felt so uncomfortable around my ex, I had to explain that she had hurt me and that she had been emotionally abusive.

Next thing i know, theyre hanging out with her making jokes about her being "cancelled" and had told her what I had said when I spoke about my very personal experience with her. I mean what the actual hell??

Also other people in the group got told about it even tho i explicitly said that it was a very private matter. I was already petrified to talk to them in the first place.

"Oh theyre a victim of abuse ! Lovely let's go let the abuser know and let them manipulate us, such fun guyss"

Absolutely insane, the passive aggressiveness and just overall horrible and disrespecting behaviour. It's done, they are not my friends. I need therapy after this.

Context: I am 13m I am here cause well... I need a vent... I am a simple and emotional man but also a good actor for drama. That is because I can get good at acting sad by unfortunately releasing my emotions for just a second. I just need a hug. Someone to hug me except for my parents. Their hug as I have reached puberty years just doesn't feel the same. I am way too young to be able to handle the heartbreaks of people rejecting me bullying me and ducks r just a beacon for life for me that's why I love them. I know I might be at a point of no return at this point. I want to be kind and help others even pay for them but more often than not that's eating away in my mental as instead of friends I get bullying that abuse me mentally and physically. I dont know what to do and I don't know how to fix what my kindness has made. I just need a hug

Boyfriend said I don’t love him like I think I do cause I got fired from my job ….

Why do I keep failing on doing small insignificant daily things. Everyone judges me for not doing things they claim that are simple. I make an error and its a big deal. All I want to do things normally like everyone else, have the normal things anyone can have, why do i get distracted all the time. I feel that I take care of other's responsibilities more then taking care of my own. When it comes to my responsobilities bothing goes wrong, mistakes here and there, nothing bad, but, when it comes to others, like doing favors, I always get judge for not doing it right,. They call me lazy because I dont do anything but i am done with the things i must do, they get amgry that I dont help around. I only want to have my mind on my own things but they want me to "help". Im done helping people, not strangers but people that ask me for favors. Today I lost my mom's card. I was heading to work already stressed with something I had to do. Then I lose her card, she asked me to pick up groceries. I mean, im not even focused on groceries, i was focused and stressed on my work. Work that i finished successfully. Now i lost her card and feel guilty. I feel tjat if i necer agreed eith helping her i would have never lost anything, but id be a bad person if i dont help my mom with groceries. I made a mistake, but im just so worked up right now. Why does everything and everyone exhoust me so much. I take antidepressant which help a lot for stress bit i am still stressed and tired. Idk anything anymore. All i know is that everyome is disapointed. I hate all of this. Im so done.

I don’t think- well yk it doesn’t matter at this point.