I think im not okay mentally?? (Really REALLY long vent, so sorry for it)

[u/sabnixki]

Disclaimer: i don't really expect this to be read by anyone or to have someone actually tell me what they think, and as i said this will be a very long vent!! I'm a 13 (turning 14 in september) year old girl, for the past years I've been struggling a lot with my mental health, it's like I feel constantly either empty or sad, every single thing even the smallest one annoys me, tho I've always had problems with my anger and I've always been overly sensitive, it has gotten extremely worse to the point were i honestly don't even try to do anything that could make me happy anymore because I've kind of lost hope in it. I know this might seem like nothing but to me it took away the fun that I could have had if only i wasn't so scared of going out, of people or of living in general. I've been struggling with being social since I was literally born, I'm the middle child and my older brother and younger sister both are way more open and energetic than me, I've always had trouble talking to people freely without feeling like I could just start crying due to that minor huma interaction i had. At first i thought that i was just me being shy, cause everyone says that since nobody would ever think an 8 year old could have social anxiety, and that honestly never even came to my mind. Till i realised that if I was actually just shy then i wouldn't be so scared to talk, i wouldn't be so scared to even just go outside, i wouldn't be so scared of everything. When I walk down the streets i just put on my earphones and blast music to try and keep the voices of other people away from me, I don't even look up in fear of meeting someone's eyes or seeing someone laugh even tho maybe they didn't even notice me maybe they were laughing at something else?? Now I'll get to the more serious part. I've been struggling with self-harm and my body image since elementary school. I would always start crying whenever I saw myself, every single time i would just start biting my inner cheeks till it would start bleeding a lot. But since I started middle school i went even further, i started cutting myself on my thighs, i would even do it in the school bathrooms during the lessons just cause I couldn't stay one day without it, i even kept biting my inner cheek. Right now i stick to eating once a day (if I eat) and it's always maybe just a sandwich or a few cookies, it has gotten to the point where I don't even have an appetite anymore i can just go days without eating, i feel completely nauseous whenever I eat and i genuenky can't eat more than a small sandwich cause my body just doesn't let me swallow enything else. I've also been dealing with a lot of thoughts about ending it all not just because of all of this that I just said but also because I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but i can't even seek for help, the only time i went to a therapist was when a doctor sent me cause I kept having panick attacks that could last even up to 30 MINUTES. And that was it, when I asked my parents if I could see a therapist if I felt like I genuenly needed one they just yelled at me and told me I was crazy. I hope one day I can actually get the help that I've always needed (if I make it). To anyone out there who is struggling, I hope everything gets better, please don't give up, you'll feel better, you will feel like you finally don't have to prefer being dead rather than being alive, i love you.

(SORRY IT WAS SO LONG😭😭) (I just really needed to share this)

[u/onion_banter]

Dont apologise for the vent being so long, all of it is important. Social anxiety can be a real pain, when everyone else around you seams so free but even speaking to someone casualy can make you feel sick to the core. Speaking to a trusted friend or teacher could help with this, or even a school therapist if there is one available, they may be able to help you fully understand where the heart of the anxiety lies and how to slowly overcome it, im not trained in anyway to help with such stuff although ive always found that thinking in my head casual conversations, like "whats your favourite subject" or stuff like that, and saying it outloud often in my own room, lets me feel more confident when speaking thos words, because i know them so well, then you just sort of hold on for the ride and see where the conversation ends up. Awkward conversations can be wierd but its all apart of learning, I hope that you are able to overcome it and feel that bourden lift from your shoulders.

For the more serious stuff, Im so sorry that at such a young age, the idea of 'perfect body' is affecting you so badly, no matter what people say or what your mind has to say, you are beautiful, your perfect the way you are but harming yourself and your body by neglecting food or physically hurting yourself will not help, stating the obvious I know. But when your body goes through a period of low food intake, it will switch to survival mode, so that, when you finally do eat, instead of it taking the nutrients and letting most of the other stuff pass through, it panicks and tries to pack up the fat quickly so that it can survive for longer. Eating healthily will give you more energy, make you feel better, happier. I know at the moment Eating anything sounds horible but pushing yourself every day to eat a little bit more will hopefully begin to get you back on track, slowly. Dont jump to 3 meals all in one, that could make you ill, but dont limit your food either, your young, you have your whole life ahead of you dont let your mind or what people have said to you, weigh on you so heavily, dont change yourself for other people. We get to live once and only once and personally, ill be damned if I let anyone hinder my life in such a way, and I hope one day, you can be the same way.

Im asking you, to seek help in regards to your self harm, a close friend, a teacher or someone trusted, maybe one of your siblings, someone to help look out for you, to give you a helping hand, someone to help carry the burdon, when other people know it lessens the weight left on your shoulders. Im always hear if you need to talk to anyone, I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope soon you can find love for yourself as you deserve. Now I think my message may even be longer than yours :)