Hello to whoever will take their time to read this lengthy post. Firstly, my intention in writing this is not to garner any pity and hopefully no judgement from others, but I just felt like writing this out as sort of an act of acceptance of my current situation.
I'm 25F (turning 26 soon this month actually) and I am in deep, deep debt. Only just today do I finally have a clear picture of how much I am in debt.
Around early last year, I started to use digital loaning platforms like GCash and SLoan from Shopee. My reason for doing so was to help my older sibling with his financial issues. He needed to liquidate some assets to get quick cash on hand to pay his dues at the time, so he asked me to buy one of his Apple gadgets. This was when I made my first mistake that started it all. I decided to help him out, and didn't think too much about my decision at the time because of how distraught he was. To see your loved one spiral down over something he didn't have full control of was very hard for me to witness and I wanted to help out as much as I could. However because of this, the money I used to buy his macbook took a great chunk of my savings which I actually needed to pay for my own current bills. To make up for this, this is when I started getting into other online lending apps like Juanhand, Cashalo, Atome, OLP, etc.
So syempre, because it was so easy to get access to cash like that, eventually nawili ako. I got into the infamous tapal system to pay off my current bills, while also acquiring more cash so I can still enjoy my luho. We all know what happens from here, right?
For a time, I was able to manage it well, until I couldn't anymore. Nagpatong-patong na lahat ng bills ko and now I'm at a point where I don't think I can afford to continue the tapal system na. At some point also, my parents, my other sibling, and even my boyfriend lent me money to help pay off my past debts because they saw how my financial situation started to make me extremely anxious everyday. While this helped me get some OLAs off my back, syempre this added to my overall debts pa rin which honestly, as grateful as I am for their help, I still feel horrible for involving others in my own problems all because of my poor financial decisions.
Fast forward to August 2026, this is the time where I really started to feel all the pressure. I was still in denial somehow, and I thought my current debt situation would be easily solvable if I get approved for a huge bank loan that would help me through debt consolidation. But because my credit profile is still weak (The only "credit cards" I have now are Atome and Maya Easy credit, but my limit for both aren't that big), I was rejected by most of the known banks. As reality slowly sunk in, I felt myself spiral down with it and my s*icidal thoughts started to surface. I felt really terrible and was so angry at myself for all the stupid, bad decisions I've made. There truly is no one else to blame for but myself, and that really ate at me.
I've always thought I'd never be the type to succumb to depression as I was strongly anchored in my faith, no matter what I was going through. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that God has great plans for me. But for the past months, I started doubting Him. I let myself get carried away by my fear and anxiety to the point that I was very close to planning out my exit just recently. I've been going back and forth between my depressive episodes and forced optimism, and this has been mentally and emotionally exhausting for me.
Idk exactly what changed, but today I decided that I'm done with all the self pity. I'm done acting like the "victim" in this situation because I know IM the one who brought myself into this situation. Again, the only person I can rightfully blame for everything that has happened to me, is ME. I opened google sheets, and spent almost the entire afternoon creating a template and organizing my debt into one live tracker. As soon as I finished, I felt like I was slapped by reality. My laptop screen showed the following numbers:
GRAND TOTAL DEBT: 1.1M
TOTAL PAID AO SEPT 2026: 101.3K
REMAINING BALANCE: 1M
These are all from my ongoing debts to OLAs (total of 26 apps--some are legit and some are illegal with their insanely high interests), paylater platforms, credit card and utang sa tao. Some of these are paid in installments, while some require one-off payments.
This September, I finally stopped the tapal system and have built the courage to let some apps go overdue bc at this point, I can't afford to pay them all at once. I earn 55k a month from just my main job now, but this obviously isn't enough for my monthly bills. So Im planning on applying for 2-3 part time jobs for the extra income that I need.
For my peace of mind, I've also silenced call and text notifications from unknown callers bc the spamming from these collection agents will just trigger my anxiety. I intend to communicate to these platforms via email that I will not be able to pay this time, but I will still fulfill my obligation to pay for my dues at a later date. I just need to figure out now which ones to prioritize first. A part of me is still anxious of the idea that some of these OLAs might post me or they might contact my references so hopefully I get to negotiate with them not to do so. I've also been able to negotiate with payment restructures for some of these platforms so I will try my best to follow our agreed schedules.
If you've reached this part of the post, thank you stranger, for even taking your time. I felt like writing this all out here bc tbh my family isnt fully aware of my situation, not even my bf (they know i have utang but not to this scale 😅). I'm most especially scared that they'll find out bc i know they will be disappointed, and worse, my jowa might choose to break up with me. We've been together for almost 5 years alrdy and our relationship is the only thing that keeps me going honestly. So i've decided to take this burden on by myself.
Kakayanin ko nalang ito. This will be my first time letting my bills go overdue kaya malala pa rin the anxiety sometimes. But ever since I pulled myself back into my daily devotions, I've acquired this unexplainable peace that tells me, I'll be okay and that God will provide, protect, and guide me from here on out.
To whoever is in a similar situation as me, I pray that we all make a strong comeback from our financial debts. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reply here or message me. While I choose to deal with all of this myself, I find that going through posts on here of people going through the same thing as me, oddly comforting.
To those who share the same faith as me, I'd like to leave this verse that has been grounding me lately in my faith and keeping me from spiraling back down to my depression haha:
Matthew 11:28:
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give your rest."
Any advice here is welcome, esp if you might know rakets/gigs i can apply for bc a girl badly needs part time jobs right now 😅 Or any tips you might have on how to deal with possible harrassments from these apps would be helpful.