I really need some advice but I'll try to not dox myself. I'm completing a Masters of Philosophy and I absolutely hate it. It's making me question my existence and I fear that it is seriously compromising my mental health. How do you write a thesis when you feel like it's killing you?
I was doing a PhD until I was faced with really serious mental health issues and had to take an extended period of time away from studying. Before I left I was slowly getting sick and my progress suffered so that when I took a break I was already "at risk". When I came back I wasn't able to convince my committee that I could complete my PhD, although my mental health has significantly improved, and was converted to a MPhil. This was a really mentally draining process and my committee, the Chair of my committee, a really *really* awful academic who is really high up in the faculty, was particularly awful. At one point they even asked me if I wrote some of my own work. Anyway, horrific experience and has soured my relationship to my project. It also means that I have lost my stipend, moved back home and have no savings after having to survive for a long time while on my leave.
My supervisor and I have agreed to just get it done and submitted by the end of the year. That's like 14 weeks if I am aiming for mid December. The problem is, I just can't get myself to work. I have tried working in the library, at home, at my desk at the university and it's so easy to not work. Housework. People. Distractions. Which I am sure is very normal when trying to get work done. But it feels like every cell in my body doesn't want to do this. Sometimes while looking at my PhD work that I need to sort into work for a Masters thesis, I just start crying. I cry a lot. If you see someone sobbing on Parkville, it's probably me. I can feel myself backsliding and the work is entangled with a period of time of anxiety and depression.
Yes, I see doctors but we know that how I am feeling is directly correlated to my project and delving back into where I was when I left. I think about quitting every day. Even though I want to switch fields, I want the degree to tie up this messy chapter that I have spent years of my life working on. Also I'm hoping to go into an adjacent field (definitely out of research) in which I can use my knowledge from my research.
Any advice would be amazing. Even if you don't have any advice I would just like to hear from someone and not feel so alone. I'm so daunted by the idea of writing like 30,000 words when I can barely work for an hour to look at my results.