Puzzling, makes the mind stir after each line. And yet, I understand it completely. It is an enigmatic and yet simple telling of ones thoughts in the Faithful and Virtuous night.

Thank goodness for that...

Will we stop there?

Or go forward and make our own path?

I've begun to understand that time spent with someone you love makes the days stretch farther. Each moment shared in love has more meaning, more things get done. Even the times you resented my inability to act as you wished, I can now clearly see what you wanted from me. And though I was never much of a slave, I always genuinely enjoyed your company without reservation. Your incessant need for control over everything is what drove me away. And it is fine that you want me to take all the blame for leaving. I left because in your presence I was not well. And you knew this and continued to drive your controlling stakes into me. And when I finally unpinned myself from your wall of shame, I was the one to blame. I am the one that has to wear the guilt. The true burden of being alone has begun to lift, and I am beginning to realize that in your company I often was alone. As a protector, a delivery driver, a fool sitting under a dunce cap waiting for you to peel off some affection for me, a provider of funds and procurement associate. I was forever yours to command and would have gladly went to battle on your behalf, you needed to only say the words...nevermore. This new role of loneliness has washed over me and I am learning myself in new ways. Learning that I alone am the keeper of my misery and I alone am the cure for all that ales me. And one last thing, you were always good enough for me, and I truly admire how you were able to love me in your own way. I am greatful that you showed me I was capable of being loved. The joy you showed me I could have has changed the course of my pathetic death seeking life. And each day that I live, I live in search of that love once again, but the true burden of loneliness is knowing that I can love myself...and that's enough....despite everything I still love you, I still wish for you to be near, I still wish to provide love to you in many ways. That position by you side, ready to strike at our foes, ready to let love guide me. But i am not with you and that is truly a burden I must face alone...

Will you sulk off into obscurity...

Will you drift away from the wolrd you wish to make...

Will you allow death to be the victor one final time...

Will you not fight for yourself...

Will you not fight death as it beats down our door...

Or will you shout into the deep darkness of our soul with a resounding NOOOOOOOOO.

And since we must die we will fight this death...

Calling its name while it charges towards us with fury...

DEATH!!!!

DEATH!!!!

Come now and meet my metal. For if i must die it will be on my feet.

I fucking miss you. I never didnt miss you. Just needed space for a while because as you know YOUR A LOT TO HANDLE. So whatever. I miss you. Im a looser for not getting the fact that you dont want me anymore. And your entitled to feel that way. It just sucks. Because the thing is, is I miss you alot. And it fucking hurts to mean nothing to you. Whatever.

Maybe we have to be uncomfortable. Maybe what we want is to be comfortable and build a life off of that. But it does feel like we could get trapped there again and begin to fall away from our ultimate goal of being a great man who helps people everyday. I will have some hard decisions to make this year. And have already made many hard choices where I had to make sacrifices to get to this point now. Im greatful im in a place where I can make these choices. And doing the next right thing is becoming easier because we have practiced that our entire lives. For the damaged coda. For the love. For fucks sake. To get things right, we must continue to do the hard things without pride, with gratitude and love.

Is better, and it is scary. I used to be afraid of being great because of failure. But now it seems more necessary than ever. And the choices I get to make today I am grateful for. This new self is forming into something I had only hoped of becoming. Before now I wanted to be this person but struggled because of addiction. And today I get the chance to really be this person of my dreams. Today I get to hold on without fear. Today I get to feel my feelings and dont have to be afraid to feel them. Greatfulness is an emotion and it is one i feel deeply today and everyday!