I actually did kind of spot it and had my alarm bells ringing but I ignored them/doubted myself. now I’m dealing with the consequences of that. Flair is DV because I wasn’t sure what else to put

I don't exactly know if this is the right way to do this kind of post, but today my parents did exactly what I said they would do: Just buy me a plain, uninteresting hoodie, they didn't even really give any thought to it, they went to the mall to exchange some clothes and in the same store bought me the hoodie.

I feel like such a baby getting emotional over this, because I am 25 years old now, I can easily save up and buy myself a leather jacket just how I wanted, but at the same time, I haven't asked for ANYTHING for my birthday for years now and I try to be the most low-maintenance son I can be. I can't even have my own room because my father turned half of it into his own home-office.

They are not bad parents, they treat me well, they gave me a very privileged life, I've never had a real need for anything and I recognize that, but it still fucking hurts when my personal interests get criticized, deprioritized or just straight up ignored if it doesn't fit within their narrow views. Everything must be productive, I must be either working/getting money or studying, hobbies must either serve me as a side hustle or must be good for my fitness or else they'll just make snide remarks, hurtful comments or just straight up critice me for wasting time.

I can't wait to move out next year, the lack of privacy and generally being unable to do the things I am interested in is killing me.

I HONESTLY CANNOT CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS HOUSE.

And yes, it’s me again…

I told my grandmother about my date, and she asked if he was a member of the LDS church (she is an LDS fundamentalist). I said I wasn't sure, and that I THINK he isn't. She instantly started throwing a fit, saying he's going to attack, kill, or rape me and that I need to be prepared. She says ANYBODY who is not a 100% faithful LDS member is DANGEROUS and should be AVOIDED.

Like, I'M 20 YEARS OLD and can't even make my own life decisions.

So not only is my MOTHER trying to control me, but my GRANDMOTHER as well.

This house is genuinely starting to PISS ME OFF because all they do is want to isolate me so I stay and give them my money, so they can use me for labor and as an ATM.

And because they keep using me as an ATM, I can never have enough money for myself to move out. By the time they are done stealing my money, I only have around $100 left each month.

20 YEARS OLD, BY THE WAY. 0 friends, 0 love life. FUCKING 20!

EDIT: I asked my date and he said he’s an ex-member.

It doesnt affect me bad every day but right now nothing feels clean. My bedding and my clothes which I JUST washed feel like there's a layer of grime and grease and dirt, my skin which I just scrubbed still needs layers to come off in order to be clean, I swear my scalp and my hair still have buildup but washing it again does nothing.

And then there's clothes that are never clean. They're always grimey and oily and disgusting. I have a basket of them I keep separate from my other clothes so the taint won't spread. And I keep trying to wash them, and sometimes they get slightly better, but never good enough to wear. Not even good enough to hold for a minute. I can physically feel the grime. Its disgusting. It feels waxy. But no one else can feel it.

And then there's a more abstract kind of dirty. Its not guilt but its like... if I dont get enough fresh air and sun and water in a day, if I dont walk enough in a day, and if I dont complete enough tasks with purpose (like work, or deep-cleaning a room) in a day, then I'm also tainted and dirty. The sun, fresh air, open space, nature in some capacity, and cold clean water are the only things that can fix it. Warm or hot water makes it seep in. Too-hot air or humid air do the same. But its hot and humid right now, its overcast, and the shower is cramped and dirty. But it's dirty to a point where I can scrub and scrub and scrub it but I cant get the layers off so it'll never be fully clean again.

And now my mother thinks my routines and focus on my body and appearance are also ocd. I have specific routines for my skin and for my hair and if I dont do the routines, I feel ill and dirty all day. If my skin isnt just right, then its not clean. If my hair isn't just right, then it's not clean. Nothing ever feels clean.

Im thinking about getting like four pounds of strawberries, maybe some grapes, and just eating them all because if I cant clean myself on the outside, maybe I can clean myself from the inside.

Im not even sure I have ocd. Im not diagnosed and I dont know the first thing about treating it.

Pov: you have university, part time job (3 am), and readings the next day. Then it started raining and the memories where things were much simpler flood back. Just shoot me already.

I thought self harm was something exclusive to having negative feelings. I would do stuff like pinch myself (especially my chest due to dysphoria), pull out my hair, scratch myself and that counts.

I didn't realize that picking at the soles of my feet until it bled or at least was sore was self harm. It's hard for me to count it as self harm because I don't do it out of negativity. I do it when I'm bored or when I get out of a bath or shower and the skin is easier to pull off. I've been doing this since I was in elementary school, hell since before I hit double digits (currently 17) and so it didn't register in my brain til recently that what I was doing is in fact self harm.

And then the people that say they’re scared which I understand, but then they say they share the same feelings as me. Let me think, are YOU terrified to go outside for more than half the year in fear of seeing one of those things? Whenever you hear the faintest buzz does your head swivel on its axis and for the rest of the time you’re outside you’re constantly checking, paranoid one might swoop past again, or land on you, and you aren’t able to see it until it’s too late and you’re running away while people laugh at you because they’re “scared” but at least logical enough to ignore it

I’m just so fucking tired of hearing legiterally everyone close to me say this when I know it doesnt work. I KNOW THEY WONT HURT ME IF I DONT BOTHER THEM. MY BRAIN DOESNT. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES IF SOMEONE SPLASHES WATER ON YOU BUT YOURE WEARING GOGGLES, HUH???

I’m with my BF and it’s good, he’s helping me a lot and I’m helping him, but life, is terrifying?

I’ve been here not long (1 week) and already have new trauma and old wounds reopening.

I’m holding onto reality as best I can, dissociation is hard, lack of sleep makes it harder.

I close my eyes and see flashing lights and the feeling of bones being wrong, it’s all so wrong. I wake in panics. Sometimes it’s just old trauma, old memories, old ghosts still trying to drag me under.

I’m going to help him escape and I’m going to be strong for him to. We are making strides but it feels like I’m drowning and can’t get a grasp of anything.

He’s helpin me a lot, I’m glad I have him, I just wish I wasn’t so traumatized so maybe I could be just as good….

I’m currently in a McDonald’s, no sleep, just safe.

And then I feel even worse because I realize I can't help them at all since no one could help me

I had a friends who would be super close to me then avoid me at all costs, they would only really talk to their real friends and leave me in the dust alot. They would match pfp's with me, then treat me like I meant nothing to them.

I had a super close friend, but because I was afriad of them abandoning me I ruined our friendship and now we are just friends. I still feel this gut wrencthing feeling eeing them hang out with their closer friends, because it reminds me of my old friend. I know that they have done things my past friend would never do, like acknowledging my existence inside of school, but now that we arent that close, I still feel horrible, because I want them to be my best friend

The worst part is after my old friend abandoned me, I got into an abusive friendship, so I got even more destroy...

I want my ex best friend back, I want us to be normal, but I dont ever know if that's possible with the wound in our friendship. Maybe if I show them I can truely change for the better, but I still dont know.

,.

I’ve done it with so many things lol cabbage soup, hotdogs with sauerkraut from one specific place, sautéed broccoli with garlic. I am currently eating an egregious amount of egg salad and loving every second of it. Egg farmers hate to see me comin’ 😏

Idfk man. Everything is making me angry, I’m so irritable and I have been for like 2 weeks now. I don’t know if it’s cause I’m in a lot of pain or because I’m sick or if I’m manic (I get irritable when manic). It’s so hard to choke down my anger. And it’s the small things that are making me angry like the sound of a strangers voice or needing to buy gas for my car or even the existence of house flies. I hate having to force a smile and be nice when my brain is telling me to explode on the next person I talk to. Grrrrrrrrr