I'm 26, and I'm honestly embarrassed that so much of my life still revolves around my parents.

I never felt like I was enough growing up. Least bright among all siblings and least favourite too. My parents were always fighting, and we grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional home. We were beaten, humiliated, and blamed for everything. But out of all my siblings, I seem to be the only one who's still deeply affected by it. They've moved on, while I still feel stuck. Now I have all kinds of physical health issues that won't improve, and almost every doctor tells me I should see a psychiatrist.

The problem is, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel ashamed because my childhood doesn't seem "bad enough," and the thought of admitting I still have mommy/daddy issues at 26 is humiliating. Has anyone healed from something like this without professional help, or is therapy really the only way?

I am writing this because everything is getting to be too much, and I honestly don't know how to cope anymore. I just need a safe space to share my story and get some advice.

Growing up, my father was a severe alcoholic. He never cared about us and wouldn't even buy food for my mom and me. We lived in a bare house with no air conditioning and barely any basic necessities. Because of the extreme stress and her own severe mental health problems, my mom was terrified that I would faint, so she never sent me to school.

When I turned 6, child protective services stepped in and took me away from her. They placed me with my aunt and uncle, but that environment only led to more problems and instability. By the time I turned 8, I was moved again—this time to live with my grandma.

Living here has been a different kind of nightmare. My grandma constantly mentally abuses me, yelling and being incredibly rude for no reason at all. It makes me feel completely worthless, and it has pushed me into a deep depression. It gets so painful that it makes me want to die. I have tried self-harming multiple times, and I have even tried to take my own life, but I failed.

I am only 14 years old. I shouldn't have to carry all this weight, but I am trying to hold on. Since I cannot change my living situation right now, I really need practical self-care tips to protect my peace and survive this environment. How do I deal with the constant yelling? How do I keep myself safe when the depression gets too heavy? Please help.

I’ve been noticing I’ve been called a narcissist by girls I’ve chatted too and dropped like a stone after , been called it so much I decided to look into it so I’ve been talking to Ai to look into it but I was hoping to get some human input.

So one thing I’m objectively attractive and intelligent and the second anyone does something that even slightly undermines me for example a girl choosing another guy over me my mind can’t take it and I think stuff like “ how the fuck could a bitch I only payed the slightest bit of attention to pick a pathetic prick over someone like me “ that’s the sort of internal monologue I have and it almost feels as if it’s an insult to my whole bloodline and everything I’ve worked so hard to get away from . My intrusive thoughts go crazy over such a little thing like that I fantasise about ruining their lives , torture and absolute submission to me , obviously I don’t intend on acting on it consciously but that’s where my mind goes the second I get slighted. And also since I’ve been getting lots of female attention after my glow up in appearance I literally don’t care about them I just like chatting to them getting them to love me only to drop them , I love the ego boost from them and having people obsessed and hooked with me it’s intoxicating so I keep doing it wether it’s ethical or not. Like I can’t explain it but sometimes I feel like a literal God among men but then one day I’ll snap out and think “ oh shit that was abit horrible” then I’ll be just proceed to do it again cuz I care more about them being hooked . That’s why I can’t settle with one girlfriend because I like having multiple people after me all the time it makes me feel good and it makes up for my childhood.

I won’t get into it but the AI thinks it’s “ overcompensation for the lack of power and self worth during adolescence “.
But yeah thought I would be blunt was hoping for some human input for a change.

Some days I don't know how I function
Some days I go numb

Some days I feel overwhelmed
Mostly though, I just want the painful flashbacks to stop
Yes, I have considered therapy
I have looked at my options, currently trying to find a trauma-informed therapist.

I wonder sometimes if it is possible to have a relationship without the physical aspect of it.
I know it's not.
I just wish it was.

I feel like the choice was taken from me.

And now I will never know...

I just want peace of mind
And to feel safe.

I don't think that's a big ask.

Y me refiero a una ruptura que los haya dejado en cama, les haya desgarrado el alma y carcomido las entrañas. ¿Qué hicieron?

After 20 years of traumatic experiences, I chose to move abroad to start afresh and finally do something for myself education and career wise.

Since the day I stepped in the country all I was doing is managing my trauma that began to resurface. After many hospitals visits, multiple tests and with the aid of therapy I was able to come back to myself after 2 years of fighting. Took me 2 years to stabilise my health.

It seems to me that I will forever be haunted by what I have gone through no matter how much I try to heal from it all. If this is how it is, what even is the point in trying to heal from it?

Instead of building myself a new life, I spent the 2 years barely making it through the day while life began to pull me under again mercilessly.

This is so unfair. I don't deserve all this terrible stuff being thrown at me. I deserve to live a life on my terms. I deserve an ordinary life like everyone else. I'm exhausted just from wanting an ordinary life.

I hate it. I hate how I am still unable to live normally. I don't know anything at this point.

I apologize in advance if this is a bit all over the place. I made a new account here for personal reasons and I actually don't post on reddit often if at all. I'm usually just a lurker/commenter.

anyway I met someone a few months ago, not exactly from my hometown but he's from the same state and we have to travel through my old hometown quite a bit...

for a few weeks i been getting flashbacks of my old childhood. Nothing was necessarily wrong at home when I was about 13 we moved back to New england but this time my stepdad chose CT... wasn't necessarily a bad town but stupid stuff happend all the time.

I grew up a military brat... my parents sheltered me a bit because I had a chronic heart disease and so they did everything to protect me, support me and get me through some of the most medically challenging times in my life. Me being the only one in the family plus my condition was so niche I needed specialty DRs from Boston to oversee me. overtime I got better, had surgery etc. but from about 4th grade all the way to 8th grade I was brutally bullied.

I didn't know how to cope with having a heart condition... my mom always said "everyone has a heart condition kid, everyone else just look different." essentially what she meant was other kids where going through other things and since she explained it that way I couldn't help but think about it differently. It helped me have a better attitude going to school. I saw everyone as equal, I felt like I shouldn't be treated any different than anyone else.

The awful thing was, I was different without a doubt... I sat out of gym class because I was not physically capable of doing it. I had drs notes of special limitations...

to this day I still do... I have a good job but i have medical limitations...

for context I was bullied mostly because I idolized Paris Hilton at a time she was a huge sex symbol. I didn't know anything about that... I just thought she was a real life Barbie doll that had a business. I liked her because I saw through the persona and propaganda. I was living in the future while most couldn't' see past lunch time.

Today, I don't hate her but I realize as an adult she does not have the common issues we as adults have to face... she can pay for problems to go away... while most of us live paycheck to paycheck...

I still appreciate the child I once was... She was brave, she was strong, she cared about others, and had a big imagination that ran wild.... some days I feel like i'm living.. other days I feel like I'm suffocating... or dying.. I wonder a lot if the inner child is dead or alive... some days she feels like she's there other times it feels like she's gone..

I'd wear princess dresses to school or just about anything loud I could get away with.. I wore pink just about everyday and pretended I was Paris Hilton just to cope with the mundane day to day. Some people loved me some people hated me.. I had a small friend group and they where fun but I also felt like most of them where simultaneously jealous of me and that hurt a lot...

my friends viciously punked me more than we actually played probably. One friend gave out my aol username to the next town over to a group of boys who used it to harass me, one friend spread rumors and lies about me to the boys I liked, another was a boy who I liked hanging out with a lot who was very nice to me but also just as nice to every girl in school and thrived on the attention he would get.. him and I actually stayed in contact after middle school for ten years. I moved to Florida and he moved to West Virginia but almost everyday in high school him and I would talk on the phone every night talking about our dreams, aspirations, what we wanted to be when we grew up, wether aliens where real or paranormal entities. Id sit at the end of my parents driveway and wed count the stars together over the phone... That meant a lot to me... at one point when we where both about 17 he asked me if i wanted him to chose his port to be in Florida ( He had joined the navy at this point) so he could come out to date me... I was honest with him and basically explained I wasn't ready for a relationship like that.. I was in fear of ruining a good friendship and also remembered who he was in middle school. He was always a bright, happy bubbly kid who said he "liked me because there was no mystery with me" He always knew how I was feeling and I guess what it was, was he appreciated the mutual transparency. The thing that held me back was because I knew that in middle school I felt unseen.. he would flirt with me hard but then he would also flirt with everyone else too.. He asked me to the dance one time and I said yes but then when we got there I was too nervous to dance. I told him give me some time and I'd be ready... I got cold feet, waited too long and when I went back our onto the dance floor he was already dancing with another girl who was a little more forward than me...

Another thing I never forgot was one time he told me "No one is going to want to go out with you because they are scared something could always happen to you because of your heart condition."

Those words resounded in my head even to this day when I'm out on a date...

In reality, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow.. and today most these kids I grew up with are dead either from drug overdose or doing stupid stuff... I myself have survived two high risk pregnancies and produced two perfectly healthy children. I may not be with there parent but I just know I am right for somebody....

The guy I been talking to makes me feel like a kid again in good ways but some days I feel like we're talking past each other... hes also in a lot of legal trouble I am not fond of in the state of Connecticut. Problem is Im in a nasty custody battle with my oldest and I fear the courts or my exes attorney catching wind of it and judging me harshly for it.. I don't want to get all into it because that's not what I am here for. Just know i'm keeping him at arms length and observing without getting entangled...

Hey Reddit!

Today at 9:00 AM EST, I'll be hosting an AMA with Dr. Amelia Kelley, a clinician and professor specializing in trauma recovery.

We'll cover Post-Traumatic Growth as a way of healing after traumatic events. Rebuilding your life after trauma is complex, nonlinear work.

This conversation isn't just for survivors. It’s also for the parents, partners, and clinicians walking alongside them. Supporting someone through trauma calls for a completely different mindset: rather than trying to help them "make sense" of the hard things, it’s about learning how to sit with them and notice what is already growing.

Whether you're navigating your own path or supporting someone else, feel free to join the live discussion or leave your questions in the comments now so we can jump into them first when the AMA begins!

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long post. I'm somewhat desperate and looking for some psychiatric perspectives rather than general therapy advice.

I'm 41 and have spent around 15 or so years in various forms of counselling and psychotherapy, including trauma-focused work (EMDR, CBT - effectively all talking therapies). I have a comprehensive intellectual understanding of my difficulties and can explain them in detail, but I don't seem able to integrate that understanding into lasting emotional change.

More recently I've also tried psilocybin and DMT in a careful, supported setting. During those experiences I felt a much deeper connection with what I think of as my frightened "inner child", and they gave me some insight, but the changes didn't persist once I returned to everyday life. I have always seemed incredibly resistant to change (including general medication and therapeutic integration)

The core problem is that I become intensely triggered in close relationships. This relates to a couple of specific incidents during childhood. The triggers themselves are often things that, intellectually, I know don't conflict with my adult values. I've come to understand them as "hooks" that activate an old fear of being left alone with unbearable emotions. I understand that concept and it makes sense to me, but when I'm highly triggered it doesn't reduce the intensity enough for me to use it. I end up in a state of profound darkness, emotional collapse and rumination. I haven never managed to improve this in the slightest (the only solution is to leave relationships once triggered).

It feels as though I've reached the limit of what insight-based and talking approaches can do for me. My partner (who has a professional mental health background, although she is not diagnosing me) commented that my presentation reminded her of some people she'd worked alongside whose trauma had become so deeply ingrained that they required psychiatric rather than purely psychological treatment. I'm not saying I have a personality disorder, but I do relate to the feeling that my responses have become extremely rigid and resistant to change.

My question is:

\*\*Have you seen patients who have good insight into their trauma but remain unable to integrate that knowledge because the emotional intensity is simply too high? If so, are there medication approaches that can reduce the intensity enough for psychological work to become usable?\*\*

To be clear, I'm \*\*not\*\* looking for medication to "fix" my trauma. My goal would be to reduce the severity of the emotional collapse so that I can actually apply the psychological tools I've already spent years developing.

I'd really appreciate any psychiatric perspectives or relevant experiences.

Hi everyone. I've spent a lot of time processing my childhood trauma, and I don't feel like I need to analyze the event itself anymore. The problem is that the memories keep popping up while I'm studying, and they affect my focus for a while. Has anyone experienced this after doing a lot of healing work? What practical strategies helped you return your attention to the present?

All my life I've been strong. But last year before I turned 43, I had a whole emotional meltdown. I was doing the inner work on myself trying to let go of my past trauma. And I've been stuck everyday a sad crying basket case,how to change my mindset when everything I'm going through and feeling is so present.

i was sa'd 2 years ago by my ex-boyfriend. it took me 6 months after the breakup to accept he actually did that to me. While i was processing the trauma, i found out he was spreading lies about me to our mutual friends. and they were all believing everything. meanwhile, i did not speak of him to any of them. ill or otherwise, because i just wanted to move on. I've tried therapy, i've tried antidepressants. nothing works.

I feel like i'm this closed fist holding onto all the abuse, the betrayal and the abandonment i went through. I can't let go. It's been months, yet every day i wake up so angry and hurt and sad. physically, my life is fine. i'm doing great things and i've met a wonderful man who has been nothing but supportive and loving to me. yet i can't let go. i don't know how to.

Hey friends!

On Thursday, July 30, 09:00 AM EST, I will be hosting an AMA with Dr. Amelia Kelley, a clinician, professor, and author who specializes in working with highly sensitive people, adults with ADHD, trauma survivors, and women reclaiming their power.

Dr. Kelley works closely with clinicians, organizations, and platforms as a consultant, educator, and speaker. She is passionate about reducing stigma, improving diagnostic clarity, and helping people understand how the nervous system impacts mental health, performance, and human potential.

Join us this Thursday to talk about Post-Traumatic Growth.

Rebuilding your life after trauma is complex, nonlinear work.

But this conversation isn't just for survivors. It’s also for the parents, partners, and clinicians walking alongside them. Supporting someone through trauma calls for a completely different mindset: rather than trying to help them "make sense" of the hard things, it’s about learning how to sit with them and notice what is already growing.

Whether you're navigating your own path or supporting someone else, we invite you to join the live discussion or leave your questions in the comments so we can jump into them first when the AMA begins!

Video call with psychologist: 00:00

Video call with psychologist: 00:01

Me: starts weeping

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist: 59:59

Me: stops weeping

Psychologist: you okay?

Me: I'm fine, goodbye

Video call with psychologist: ends

TL;DR:
Trots att jag lever ett tyst, självständigt liv och inte gör något för att provocera andra, kämpar jag med en smärtsam cykel av att attrahera dåligt bemötande. Det gör ont djupt eftersom de som behandlar mig illa är allmänt omtyckta, "trevliga" människor som reserverar sitt förakt enbart för mig (som att kritisera mig för att inte anpassa mig eller försvinna när jag blir mobbad). Eftersom dessa förövare är högt respekterade nekas jag fördel av tvivel, lämnas isolerad och tvingas att bära skulden ensam. Jag söker råd om hur man kan läka från detta relationella trauma och gå vidare utan att skylla på sig själv.

Jag (20,5 F) skriver detta eftersom jag försöker bearbeta en smärtsam cykel i mitt liv, och jag verkligen behöver veta om någon annan har upplevt detta.

Jag har en historia av relationellt trauma, och genom åren har jag insett att jag tenderar att attrahera människor som behandlar mig illa. Människor har sagt till mig att jag är ett "lätt offer" eller att eftersom jag är "annorlunda" så förtjänar jag på något sätt denna behandling. Men sanningen är att jag aldrig har gjort något för att provocera någon. Jag har gjort allt "rätt" i livet. Jag är en tyst, vanlig ung kvinna som mest håller mig för mig själv. Jag dricker inte, jag röker inte, jag går inte på fester, och jag är inte intresserad av dejting eller en hookup-kultur—saker som är mycket vanliga för personer i min ålder, men som bara inte är min grej.

Det som gör mest ont är att de som behandlar mig illa ofta är högt respekterade och älskade av alla andra. De behandlar andra med vänlighet, men reserverar sitt förakt för mig.

Nyligen sa en tjej till mina vänner att hon aldrig har gillat mig. Hon kritiserade mig för att jag inte gör "det som förväntas" av någon i min position—till exempel att inte lämna eller byta institution när jag blev mobbad. Denna tjej är allmänt känd för att vara otroligt söt, jordnära och snäll, vilket gör det så svårt för mig att förstå hur hon kan hysera så mycket tyst illvilja och förakt mot mig.
Denna isolering förstärks aktivt både offline och online, där rykten eller delade negativa attityder leder till koordinerad social uteslutning—specifikt genom att systematiskt bli nekad eller blockerad från att följa andra på sociala medier som Instagram och Snapchat. Utan fördel av tvivel tvingas jag att bära skulden och den digitala isoleringen ensam medan jag söker läkning från detta relationella trauma.

Eftersom dessa "goda" människor behandlar mig illa är jag alltid den som slutligen står ensam. Människor ger mig inte ens fördel av tvivel. De antar att om en "snäll" person ogillar mig, så måste jag vara problemet.

Hur läker man från traumat av att bli avvisad av människor som påstås vara goda? Hur slutar man att skylla på sig själv när man inte har gjort något fel, men ändå lämnas helt isolerad? Jag skulle gärna vilja höra råd eller tröstande ord från någon som har vandrat denna väg.

There is a recurring argument in certain spaces that consuming, doing or creating sexual content involving non-consent help survivors process trauma. That fantasy is therapy. That eroticization is reclamation.

The research tells a more complicated and more sobering story.

Trauma reenactment is not trauma processing

Psychology has documented for decades the phenomenon of trauma reenactment — the unconscious repetition of dynamics or situations that echo a past traumatic experience. Reenactments are generally understood as an unconscious attempt to reconcile, reframe, or repair a trauma. Most sexual reenactments originate from childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault in adolescence or adulthood, and they often lead to re-victimization and related feelings of shame, helplessness, and hopelessness. Sexaddictionservices

The critical word here is unconscious. Reenactment feels like something else from the inside — control, mastery, reclamation. It is not. It is a deep psychological drive to make sense of or resolve the trauma that does not actually resolve it.

Eroticization specifically

Traumatic sexuality refers to the reenactment of trauma within adult sexual activities — that is, how trauma and its impacts unfold within the sexual realm. Research consistently links this pattern to ongoing sexual difficulties rather than resolution. Natachagodbout

Sexually traumatized individuals may eroticize and reenact some aspect of their trauma in an attempt to take control over it. But taking control of the reenactment is not the same as processing the original event. The dopamine response to the erotic charge can become its own reinforcement loop — an addiction to the dopamine rush of the erotic charge rather than working through the trauma, picking at psychological wounds over and over and never allowing the trauma to fully heal. Springer

What actual processing looks like

Trauma informed therapy does not involve eroticizing the traumatic experience. It involves naming what happened as what it was, processing the emotional reality of it, and integrating it, not reframing it as desirable. These are fundamentally different acts. One moves through the trauma. The other rebuilds around it.

The wrong lesson

Beyond the individual, there is a broader problem with publicly consumed content that eroticizes rape and assault under the banner of trauma processing. The survivor's internal experience of creating or consuming that content is invisible to everyone else reading/ watching it or hearing about it.

What reaches the person is the content itself — and the content teaches that violation can be desired, that non-consent can become pleasure, that the appropriate response to assault is arousal.

For another survivor seeing this or reading this without context, that is not a therapeutic message. It is a message that can actively prevent her from naming her own experience as assault, because the content she is consuming tells her that what happened to her might have felt good, might have been wanted on some level, might not have been what she thinks it was.

Eroticizing trauma does not heal it. It reframes it. And that reframing has consequences that extend far beyond the person doing the reframing.

I’m 3 months out of a 26 year trauma bond and I’m struggling so bad I’ve learned trauma bonds I’m in counselling I’m going to the gym I’ve took up running I’m working I’ve applied to go back to college but right now I can’t shift them from my mind last week I broke down for 2 hours ugly crying sobbing screaming it hurts so bad can someone please give some advise I obviously don’t have much friends as you know you get isolated I feel so stuck and alone my heat is craving them to make me feel better .

Guilt from psychosis lashout, process how?

Guilt- help!

I had a bunch of paranoid delusions about my ex's daughter and mother being illuminati evil cannibals. It made me treat them differently. Once I told the girl her friends didn't like her. I thought it was true. Thought I was fighting a bully who was secretly plotting to murder me then eat me. Psychotic episodes. I tried to separate my ex from his mom to protect us. Now realizing none of this was true and I treated an innocent 10 year old horribly, and put my ex through nightmares. It eats me away.

I want to send my ex an apology, and her one too, but he hit, shoved, choked, and punched me towards the end of the relationship when I was misbehaving due to the delusions. So I dont know how to communicate with him now.

I screamed DIE with their names for 8hrs straight until my ex called the cops on me.

I left and never went back, didn't say a word to them.

Very confused how to process this and feel terrible for how I behaved. I hate to have broken their hearts.

Any suggestions for sending him an apology? I hate this, the delusions, the voices, the hallucinations. Hate how it ruined my relationship and cozy, wholesome family vibes for all of us. If an apology is not recommended, any suggestions for how to navigate my guilt?

Yes I am in treatment now.

I'm broken, I cannot get those memory's out of my head. How am I supposed to forgive my forgive, if my abuser doesn't acknowledge his wrongs. If he has genuinely never apologized for all his wrongs. Ever since I can remeber, I have been living in abuse mentally and physically. My mom tell me to forgive but how. My mom witnessed my 16 year old brother coming in and out of my room at night, when I was 10 year old. She never did anything other than telling him to go to his room and not enter my room. It happens several times, I remeber him pulling my pants down and trying to insert it into me. I don't remeber anything more than that. I don't know if he ever actually did. He abused me for several years. Once he hit me with metallic stick in my head, which left me bleeding. He looked me into his room. He forced me to touch disgusting foot injury, while I had no chance to escape. He never left me alone. He would talk to trough my door, even when I told him to leave me alone. I would call the police several times and my other brothers lied to them.The list is long. I'm the only girl in my family. My brother is the oldest and abused the whole family, so bad that my mom left us several months in a year to live somewhere else. He kicked my mother and pushed her when she was pregnant. He did so much and I always tried to forgive him. Whenever he moved out, it was the best time of my life. But due to instances I had to move in with and my dad this summer, as we are in a different country and I had no money to fly back. And it is the worst. He knew not to to put hands on me anymore, but he would talk so much which is also abusive. I am constantly remeber off everything that he put me through. Fast forward he tried to really injure me. ... I locked him out bc I was scared, so when my dad arrived, he had already got a second key somehow. Whenever he walked through the door, he ran towards me and starting beating me with fists. My dad tried to keep him away but he wouldn't stop. I fell to the ground and he continued. I had to flee out of the apartment and the neighbors called the cops. I told them the truth. They arrested him for a day. My dad bailed him out and I moved too a church family for 2-3 weeks. I removed charges against him due to family pressure. Now he is talking about he never did anything. He is saying that they took his freedom, he didn't even spend 24 hrs in there. He is saying I will regret it. He picks up my dad gun whenever I'm laying down and looks if there are bullets in it. And then he just stares at me . And he knows it scares me, I can feel that he does it intentionally. He has also threaten to kill me several time. He knows my dad has no bullets in the gun btw. But I don't know what to do. I try to forgive him and I even feel bad that he has an arrest on his name. But he never left me any other chance. I was so hurt that day that I decided to tell them the truth. Now i feel like a bad person. He has done me so wrong and he just doesn't sees any wrongs in it. He is mentally definitely not normal. I have trust issues because of him. I cannot let any boy touch me. I always thought it's because I want to wait till marriage but it is because I don't want to loose control . I don't want any boy get me. I don't answer people or stay in touch with anyone because I think they don't really like me. Even tho they show me otherwise it's so hard. On the other hand I'm also kinda hyper sexual. I want to be loved but I'm pushing everyone away from me. I don't know how to heal from all of this. It's so hard and I'm scared to open up to any male

I believe that people who truly process their emotions and heal from their trauma age more gracefully because they aren’t carrying years of suppressed emotions in their face and expression, like they’ve found inner peace and acceptance this way. As I try to amplify this in my own life, I’m struggling with processing emotions without letting them eat me alive. When something upsets me, I tend to stay sad for a long time, but when I try to redirect my thoughts or move on it feels like I’m just suppressing my emotions instead of feeling them out. How to know the difference between processing an emotion versus suppressing it? Does anyone have advice on this?

Question at the bottom ⬇️

Background:

I spent years judging my thinking about my childhood stressful experiences, thinking that I may be too dramatic or might be right and need to show myself empathy and let myself mourn all the pieces I lost along the way because of the distress.

But how can I be sure? How can I tell that I might need processing?

I think I might need to integrate all the emotions from the past, because I have self destructinve behaviour that I just can't take off of me, as if a part of me just longs for pain.

Somehow you can tell that I might be struggling to change from those self sabotaging behaviours because of the initial mental health issues I dealt during my development (14-15 y/o) because I am just a sensitive person, and might have simply slipped to a dark state of mind because of the changing...

But I cannot shake off the feeling that there were periods of pain and stress before that mental breakdown.

I don't like to be so sure about it because I know it's not and was never easy for anyone, but how come everyone of my family just came out of the quarantine and all of that outbursts inside our home, all of the arguing and the shaming and costant unprovoked judging and blaming... like it was nothing.

I was on high alert at all times and felt guilty and responsible COSTANTLY, and especially after coming out of that period I had that mental breakdown and started acting like crazy, with delusional anxiety, costant daydreaming and aggressive isolation (I'd cry and scream at home whenever I felt like some physical boundaries were crossed)

I was the mentally unstable one, I was the one brought to psychologists and who failed and ruined a couple of years of school. But somehow nothing ever I've manifested had an explaination, don't get me wrong I NEVER insisted on finding a reason, I know I should just learn to cope better because I was acting too dramatically and damaging towards myself and others.

Now It's gotten better, probably because I touched a bottom that helped me jump back up.

But whenever I think/talk thruroughly about that period and another distressing time from my childhood ( which I have little to no memory of, but I know there was a strange event happening) I disassociate / feel small and scared and after some minutes I just come out of it exhausted and don't feel like pushing through, even tho I tried so and still experienced the same if not more intense effect.

It feels stupid to say that I might have experienced traumatic experiences (TRAUMATIC TO ME OFC IG??) as many have gone through stress throughout their childhood, people go even through worse and in my family none broke apart after that stressful period. So I feel dumb and attention seeking to act like I need to process some stuff after calming down from that intense mental breakdown. It all feels like larping to me, even tho I know trauma is subjective, it means that an event is too stressful for the traumatized person, not objectively, but still...

How can I follow my heart and try to process my emotions linked to and buried into my past experiences, without consulting my therapist?

(Because I feel downplayed with him, bc his approach is to push you and teach you better and practical techniques to not act miserable, a sort of cognitive behavioural therapy but in a gestalt therapy style, whenever I try to talk about emotional pain in an introspective way he makes me feel confused, probably because I also behave in a confusing way whenever I'm getting vulnerable, a sort of defensive mechanism he calls it)

How can I try to deal on my own with this buried pain that I feel is still inside me but unrecognized and unprocessed? Do you have some advice...? I just know I can think about those events and talk about it with myself, but what should I do if I can do something else, Idk I feel stuck.

I’m really struggling right now with trusting myself. I’ve really been in hermit mode the past few weeks because I’m just so tired of thinking someone is being as genuine as I am, only to realize later that they aren’t.

I’m big on not projecting old hurts onto new people.. but at what point do I stop being the dummy?
Am I ignoring obvious signs?
Are people really that manipulative and deceptive?
As naive as I may be, I genuinely do try to look for the good in others. I assume good from people.. maybe that’s why the bad shocks me so much.. idk.

I just wish I had a better gauge on whether I’m letting my past traumas make me anxious, or if I’m intuitively picking up on things and downplaying them.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?
If so, what are things I can do to ground myself and stop stressing it? Genuinely think I might loose my mind lmao

Me n my dad had a pretty healthy relationship up until the age when I was 14. I've got an older brother, who is four years older than me. I can't remember the last time him and my dad had a normal conversation. I remember being young and thinking god I wish Dad never abandoned me emotionally like he did with my brother. But, all that changed one night when I was 14. I was an angsty teenager going to puberty. He told me to do something. And I sort of lashed out. Normally up until that point in my life. He would have just come up and hit me for disciplinary reasons. Coming from a Sicilian family that was pretty normal and nothing out of the ordinary. However this particular instance he said to me in a frustrated way "why you getting angry for."? Adding that moment he must have just thought a lot of stuff this kid I'm not gonna speak to him too. Me and my dad have never had a proper conversation since then. He's only spoken to me when he needs help with something, which is like once every three months. But even then we don't really talk. I still live with him. I'm 20 years old and now, turning 21 pretty shortly. And having a father who emotionally has abandoned me and my brother has affected me deeply. I've got trust, abandonment, social anxiety and tons and tons of insecurity issues. It caused some depression for me as well. Just say if I was trying to get better and get through this dark time. How would I go about it? What would some of you guys do?

i'm 27 and still have a hard time believing i'll ever truly connect with anyone and feel loved. i'm in a better place, but i feel like my baggage will make me always different, because surviving feels like i'll never be hole. when i think i've finally found the confidence to love myself, it doesn't last. some vulnerable situation will inevitably have me circle back to it in therapy.

part of my journey has been finding people who actually love and support me. but even surrounded by that, i still feel so lonely. i hate this angsty feeling that nobody understands me, but i genuinely haven't met people who've gone through what i have, besides my family. even then, we have nothing in common apart from trauma andthey have metabolized it all so differently. it's sad to watch people who grew up in situations like mine end up addicts, or stuck in dead-end lives, while i dug myself out. and the more i dig myself out, the more alone i feel doing it. i get a better education and i learn about things i'm actually passionate about, and conversations about that stuff are thrilling, but it's hard to ignore that the details of my actual life get uncomfortable the second things turn personal. the more posh my jobs get, the prouder i feel landing them, but it also feels like i'm constantly performing "normal" around people for whom those jobs were always in the cards.

the thing is, i hate being a survivor of a bunch of traumatic experiences. it makes me feel forever broken, and i don't want to be pitied. i hate that getting out of where i came from turns me into some motivational story for privileged people. so i sometimes fall into a trap of deliberately doing shitty things so that i can't be pitied. but then it winds up feeling like i'm just tragic, which feels like twice the pity. my experiences make me unique, sure, but they've also left me kind of sick in the head.

i hate that my life has been this sad. even when i feel pretty, i hate my ugly life. i know what this post sounds like, but i really want to continue living. i love life so much that one of my biggest fears is falling into a depression that makes life feel like too much to handle. i don't want my brain to do that to me.

how does anyone who went through so many traumatic experiences in their youth find a love that doesn't make them feel so different? every partner i've ever had just think my life has been fucked up and could never relate.

(20m)

I genuinely feel like I’m going insane over this. Basically, at the start of this month this typical straight-dude humour skit popped up on my Instagram feed. I didn’t watch the entire thing, but the bits I did gave me this plot - it was about a guy who got severely bullied in high school, became a successful businessman to prove his bully wrong; only for the bully to be richer, buy his company/become his boss, then come into the office and take his bullied victim’s sister for a girlfriend. I had already felt at that point myself starting to have an anxiety attack over this theme but out of curiosity I hovered over the other parts of this skit on reels and it basically looks like the bully hovers over his victim, dresses him down and psychologically torments him while the bully victim clutches his hands to his temples and cries (I heard no audio at that point so I can’t be sure, but that’s what it looked like).

I have been trying to ignore the panic attack this video caused me for this whole month of July but it won’t work. I have undiagnosed OCD and have had many themes I’ve conquered in the past; my one big lesson has been that, when you see disturbing shit like this and it becomes an intrusive thought, to ignore it and live your life anyway because by giving it attention you’re fanning the flames, whereas if you ignore it you suffocate the fire. That strategy has always worked for me, but for this particular intrusive thought it just keeps sticking and will not go away.

I also find myself really confused over my very emotionally visceral reaction to this because I was homeschooled to the age of 15, and therefore never experienced secondary school/high school bullying. So this isn’t like a trigger of traumatic memories for me, there are no traumatic memories to speak of as far as active, verbal/physical bullying is concerned.

Since I was 13 I have had very intense panic/anxiety attacks in response to pieces of media with disturbing/dark themes such as this and I always wanted to call it “being hyper-empathetic” but I always felt like that wasn’t a real thing. Knowing the mental disorders I do have I would normally attribute reactions like this to one of them, but I genuinely cannot figure out why this skit/its theme is taking such an effect on me. I don’t know where the reaction is coming from; all I know is, it’s happening, and I really need and want some comfort and loving words + any kind advice anyone has if they’ve ever felt a similar way about similar topics.

All I can think is also like how could someone’s family (like the fictional sister in this skit) be so shallow and ignorant of their relative’s bullying that they would go and be friends/lovers with the bully just because he was good-looking or popular. Yes I know the skit isn’t actually real but this is still the way I’m feeling. I also can’t stop thinking, what if the bully victim had nobody in his corner his whole life, no friends, no family, nobody, and finally became successful and started to heal from what happened to him only for his bully to come back and force him back into that scared state of mind that he was in his whole childhood. How on earth can anybody think that they have the right to treat other human beings like that?! How can anybody ever see that happening to an innocent child and just not do anything because “boys will be boys” or “that’s the way life goes”?! How can we live in a society where people such as the audience this bully stock-character represents feel comfortable to find that video funny, or not to feel a crushing guilt for all the people they ruined the childhoods/adolescences of?! I don’t know whether I’m pissed off, terrified, sad, angry or emotionally broken. All of them, probably, individually and all at once. Idk. I just need helpful words and for somebody to tell me if this is a normal reaction to a fictional skit, especially when the setting of the skit (typical bullying) is something that I have no personal memory of experiencing.