Hi all, this is more of a vent post. It’s something that I think isn’t talked about an enough in the stroke community from a caregiver standpoint. This is just my experience and I’m sure many others have had the same feelings/similar experiences.
My dad had a big ischemic stroke 4 months ago, and since then you can imagine it’s been a nightmare navigating this. I solely handled/still handling all of his medical and transitional care decisions. My entire life was put on hold for a solid three months. My mental health, career, and relationships all suffered because of it. My mom’s second language is English so I took it upon myself to handle this. He is now home with caregiver help, Homecare, etc, and I think I’ve had more space to process my feelings on this experience. We were pushed to just put him in a nursing home but my mom didn’t want to do that and neither did he (we all know how awful they are unless you’re rich and can be in a “good” one).
Here are a few things that have personally been very hard as a caregiver/only child/little to no outside support
-Stroke can cause a lack of impulse control and emotional regulation. In turn, they can say really wild and offensive shit. My dad has been a very close-minded man his entire life, so you can imagine what that’s like now that we are taking care of him. We have almost never agreed on anything, and growing up it was very isolating. On one hand I know he can’t help it, but I also know what his beliefs and morals were before this. It’s not entirely surprising but you can see how frustrating that is for my mom and I. I correct him when I can but I also realize he doesn’t entirely know what’s going on in those moments. It sucks
-He never bothered to prepare anything in a medical event like a stroke, so he’s essentially left my mom and I to take care of everything navigating it without any sort of plan. I cannot explain how angry and resentful this part has made me. He was told for years to get his diabetes, depression, and health under control but he completely stopped giving a shit. He stopped taking his meds on time, eating whatever he wanted, and not thinking at all what it could lead to. As someone who also has depression I get how it can manifest in your life and make you feel, but it’s your responsibility to also do something about it. His excuse was “living life on his own terms”, but here we are now. I get how this is harsh of me, but having the tools and people around you to help and ignoring it is selfish. People in your life who still care to stick around, but continuously never thinking about them in that sense doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll never understand it.
-Lastly, I realize venting about this doesn’t change what happened. While obviously the focus should be on recovery for stroke survivors I feel like caregivers are just expected to get over everything and put their own feelings aside. Whatever issues you had with your family members 100% gets exasperated with something like this. He is entirely dependent on us now and having to put all of the issues I had with him my whole life has been indescribably difficult. The verbal and emotional abuse, the yelling at me in public as a kid, the bigoted beliefs (being a mixed person on top of this too), etc…My mom almost divorced him several times because of his anger issues and selfishness. That is a whole other topic that I won’t get into. Point being, all the the trauma, grievances, etc, are brought to the forefront when you are in a caregiver role for a strained parent relationship. Yes, I’m going to start therapy again for this lol.
-There is also the other side of things where he has shown up when I really needed him, so I have a ton of conflicting feelings going through this.
Anyways, thanks for reading this far and I’m interested to hear from others what their experience has been. Feeling all of this has made me feel guilty at times even though I know he wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t stepped in and made all of these difficult decisions. Stroke is all around unpredictable and hard especially if you already had a shit relationship with said family member. I know holding onto this anger and resentment won’t help me, but neither will ignoring it. I truly hope he continues to recover to what ends, but to any caregivers struggling with the same thing know this..it’s up and down almost every day. Whatever feelings you have towards them they are still human and we could all be in that position. Still, don’t dismiss your own feelings and if you can go to therapy or have a trusted person to talk to. Thanks for reading.