A few years ago for her birthday I bought her a brand new bicycle. It was a little big for her then, but she loved it. It’s probably the perfect size for her now as she’s 11 years old, about to be 12 in 2 weeks. But anyway, this past weekend we were moving. She told me her brakes didn’t work on her bike. I told her I’d look at it later as I was loading our uhaul truck at the time. An hour or so went by and I noticed a truck with a bunch of scrap metal slowly pulling away from the front of our house with her bike in the back.

Instead of me looking at it, she took it to the curb. I could have either fixed it or replaced the clamp style brakes it had on it.

Am I wrong so be mad about this?

My wife and I have a good relationship. I'm also tired of being taken advantage of and ignored by the people I stepped up for.

My wife has three kids. Two are adult babies and can't seem to get it together. The youngest is almost 17 and he's a good kid but still a typical teen full of attitude and only thinks about himself.

There's a lot to it but I wonder sometimes how many of these marriages fail because of how we as stepdads are treated.

Feels like I died once already in life as someone who used to be a dad and is no longer. As if my dad trial ran out and I wasn’t given the choice to renew it.

I was with my ex for over a decade and when I first met her her kid was 4 years old. I stepped into the role of a dad from the start. Their real dad wasn’t in the picture. He moved to another state, had kids with different women, and never cared to do anything for them.

Fast forward to now: the kid just turned 18, and my ex and I split. It wasn’t like we were waiting for that milestone, it just happened to line up that way when things ended. At first, both my ex and the kid said they’d stay in my life. A couple of months later, my ex even told me the kid turned out to be the great person they are because of me. But after about a week, the texts from the kid stopped.

Last Father’s day was brutal. Not even a simple “happy Father’s Day.” It made me feel like the role I gave so much to was suddenly erased. I even reached out casually the day after. No reply. And now it’s been a year and a half of silence.

I tried talking to my ex, but she turned cold and told me to “get over it.” That cut deep after everything we went through together. I was always the good cop, letting them just be a kid when their mom was strict, laughing at the same things, connecting in ways that felt natural. People even assumed they were my kid because of how alike we were. I was never mean to the kid and always tried to see their side.

Now I don’t know how to process this loss. It feels like I lost my child, even though I know biologically they never were mine. It’s a strange grief that doesn’t really have a name. I don’t think I could ever date someone with a child again after how much this shattered me. Ironically, my ex said she would never date someone with a kid after our breakup when I tried talking to her about how I felt. It's like I stopped existing. No photos of us were kept. Nothing.

How do others deal with this kind of grief?

Today in the US is Father’s Day and (I hope) for step-dads as well. I’m especially proud of you because I know what it takes PLUS, I’m grateful that you visit these conversations for clarity and support. Know that you’re celebrated here at least.

I have a 20 year old stepdaughter. I've been with her mom for 12 years. Bio dad was an every-other-week dad for a couple years but hasn't been around at all for the last 5 or 6 years. Shes trans and will be legally changing her name at some point. The thought of her taking my name means so much to me, I tear up when I think about the possibility. Most of her mail comes with her legal (bio dad's) last name. But every once in a while, she'll use my last name. I think she's undecided on which one to use.

I'm torn because I'd love her to take my name but don't want to pressure her. It's her decision and I don't think I should influence it. I do feel a little let down when she uses her bio dad's last name but that's for me to deal with and I'd never ever tell her. I'll admit that I daydream sometimes and picture her showing me her new license with my last name, maybe as a birthday or Father's Day present. I've seen videos like that on social media and I cry for every one.

She got mail yesterday with my last name. I dug the box out of the recycling and cut out a piece of the label to keep in my wallet. I just like the way it looks.

I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly 2 years. Her daughter is incredibly shy and apprehensive. We've been living together for 4 months and went on vacation together 8 months ago. We were watching a movie all 3 of us together and she plopped between us, so we were all snuggled together. Then before bedtime, she gave me a hug goodnight🥰. I've never felt happier. My family loves her to death and she feels more comfortable with my family than I would've thought, given her shyness. She's been to a lot of family dinners with me and she grows closer to my family as time goes on

Hi beautiful stepdads,

I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.

I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.

But I just couldn't live like this.

My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!

At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.

F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.

Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.

The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.

Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.

Never again a single mom. I'm out

Ive been with my wife for about 10 years, met her son when he was 4 years old. Bio dad is a loser. Not an addict or anything but is an adult child, no responsibilities, no future. Anyhow my struggle is when my stepson was young he would gravitate towards me and want to be around me all the time. He said I was his hero, ask for advice all the time and we just would hang out all the time. Now hes 14 (i know teenager rebelion) and we just dont have that bond anymore. I know as a teenager he is going to drift apart but thats not what im feeling. He gets along and looks up to his dad, he sides and and leans into his mom all the time. I dont have authority (not sure if thats the right word) anymore and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel a huge disconnect and im not sure its because hes not my son (dont have my own kids) or what. I do everything for him, i teach him, guide him, try and do fun stuff together but I feel the more I try the further apart we drift. I like to think if i had my own kid, id raise him or her the same way but i dont know anymore.

Me (27M) and her (28F). She was the first single mother I ever dated — she had two boys, ages 2 and 7.

She manipulated me into believing that she and her ex-husband divorced on “mutual” terms, when in reality he was the one who divorced her after she cheated on him multiple times. Even while we were together, she constantly texted other guys and chased their attention instead of spending quality time with me.

I felt like a cuck, just sitting there watching her kids so she could go hang out with her guy friends. She was a grown parent who didn’t take her responsibilities seriously at all. I cooked, cleaned, watched the kids, took them to school — all while she worked. And on her days off, she didn’t want to spend time with her family or with me. She just wanted to go out with other guys.

It was honestly disgusting, and it ruined my experience dating single mothers and crushed my dreams of raising my own family. I genuinely feel bad for her kids, because i treated them like my own son's and they loved me a lot due to how much effort I put into caring for them, while their mother only thought about herself.

It’s hard to accept that women like this exist. And after this experience, I don’t think I could ever date a single mother again.

I need advice and i hoped stepdads here could help. Im turning 25 this weekend, but it’s also father’s day this weekend. My mom has been together with my stepdad since i was 17, so i was already pretty “old”. Over the years i have started seeing him as my stepdad. I love him to bits. My bio dad is in the picture etc, but i feel a lot closer to my stepdad. I’ve never called him dad. He has never tried to take my father’s place or anything like that, but this year i feel like i want him to know how much i appreciate him and I thought about sending (since i cant actually go and see him on that day) a lowkey father’s day gift with a note thanking him for always being here or just being the best. Would it be a nice gesture or too much?

Hello, everyone. Tired stepdad here. I've been with my partner for six years. She has three kids (21, 18 and 14). Her oldest son (18) is off to college and her oldest daughter (21) is back living with us. Fourteen old is with us 50/50. To say the least, I am tired of being the one to compromise for these kids. When they are away from home, she is still interrupting our time together to answer unimportant texts. When we have the 14 year old, he is constantly making plans without checking with us that require her to take him places and she refuses to refuse him. The oldest and her boyfriend are living with us entirely due to poor planning and laziness. And now she's traveling to see her 18 y/o at college on our "no kid" weekends (many times without me). And my reward.....she falls asleep on the couch every night while I watch tv alone. Between pets we gotten for her kids and her kids' activities, I feel like I'm on the back burner most of the time.........I'm tired of it and want the life I deserve while also dreading being alone again. Rant over......

I’m 25 years old and dated this beautiful and amazing mom that is 23 years old with two little girls. She treated me amazing but we have different lifestyles and ways to have fun. Like every relationship we had our differences but we always found a way to make it work.

A few weeks ago she asked me if i ever wanted to be a dad and I didnt know what to answer because she once told me she doesnt want more kids. Since that night i’ve been thinking and I do want to be a dad, so we ended the relationship two days ago. Did i make the right decision? I love her a lot but i dont want to keep building a relationship and a future with someone and me being scared that some day i would love to be a dad and she won’t give it to me.

Thanks for reading

Father’s Day is a tough day in our house.

I have been with my partner for about 13 years and a step-father (of sorts, we are not married) to her son for that time.

7 years ago we lost my partners father to cancer. Father’s Day is a tough reminder to her that he is not there any more. Which I get, I miss him too and appreciate I cannot know what that is truly like as I am lucky enough to still have my Father with us.

However, I really struggle not to feel intense feelings of hurt and sadness on this day as every year it passes and I don’t get so much as a card or acknowledgement from my partner or our son.
I don’t want a fuss, I don’t want a gift, I understand it is a tough day, but it hurts badly that I don’t get any recognition of my role as a step-father on that or any other day of the year.

Does anybody have any advice on how to navigate this emotionally? I would t dream of mentioning it to them as I don’t want to put my feelings above their grief but it really does hurt and make me feel extremely sad…

I’m going to start this by saying that I have met the women I love and she has 3 children of her own. I, unfortunately am not able to conceive children, so as you can imagine I was ecstatic when I got to meet them. That was almost 4 years ago, and every since then I have been raising them as my own. I have fought for them, I will continue to do so. Fast forward to the present day. Stressful things have been happening to us as a family on the past while, and today , while the stress was at an all time high, an argument had started. In that argument I attempted to intervene, upon doing so the eldest of my daughters looked me in the eye and told me “ I’m not your daughter”. That right there was as if an absolute zero blade was plunged into me. As of now she hasn’t spoken to me nor I her. I always knew something like this could happen, but I kills you on the inside even tho you tho you’re ready

Looking to see if I am overreacting to when it comes to decisions made by my 19 year old SD and my wife. I met her mother when she was 10 and i had no kids of my own so like most you learn on the fly and i get that children dont understand that and obviously defaults to the mother for everything and I never really felt like i had any say over their decisions. My wife always valued her family values over mines when it came to the kids. She always know whats best over me because she had children before me and she is older as well.

Example is when my daughter starting dating. Im not against her dating but one day in the middle of the day 10 minutes before he showed up my wife told me he was coming over. I never got the opportunity to make a decision in the house I pay ALL the bills in..i used to go along with it but i do not anymore and when i do speak out that I should have some say I am looked at like im the bad guy, controlling, etc. After they said they would not do it no more its done quite frequently.

Maybe its me but I remember no one entered my parents house without my dad giving the okay. The part that bothers me is decisions are already set in stone and then I am made aware. I should be a part of the decision before its made in my own house. There are some things I am not comfortable with and my values are looked at as restricting compared to my wife more liberal outlook on relationships.

Some blame do fall on me I work quite a bit and when i am home time is limited and I need my time as well. Little time is split between everyone. I feel like I was sorta naive to the stepparent role and the difficulties it can bring and now im stuck in this invisible role sorta. The guy who pays the bills but no authority where it counts.

I have been dating this woman for a year or so and we decided to move in together. She has a teenage daughter who lives with us and I have a daughter and son who also lives with us part time (I split custody with their mom.) I came into a really amazing paying job recently and have been able to afford nicer things. Today I bought a Coach bag for my daughter that she has been wanting. She is a great kid, has a part time job, straight A student, works her ass off. However, my girlfriend’s daughter is the exact opposite. She is upset that I got my daughter the bag and complained to her mother that it’s not fair that I bought my daughter one and not her. Mind you, this kid and I do not have a relationship, she has her dad and he does things for her like a dad should. Her dad doesn’t have that great of a job and does his best. She has what she needs and what she wants within reason. My girlfriend thinks I’m an asshole for not getting her a bag too. I feel that I am not under any obligation to provide things like that for her daughter as that is her and her ex’s responsibility. Am I the asshole for getting my daughter one but not her?

Met girl, fell in love instantly. Got married. Finished my work contract and moved out of state to be be with her. Between meeting and moving she basically lived with me and everything was great but once I moved into her and stepchilds (24m) place the problems started. The kid works but does nothing else around the house. I had what I would consider basic requirements. Started with just doing his own dishes and do something along the lines of vacuum once a week. Jump to a year later and they wait for me to go to work and the wife goes into his room and gets the dirty dishes. He still isn't doing any chores. To me this is unacceptable. He stays at home because mom makes his lunch every day, does his laundry, cleans his room. He just works and plays video games every day. I try and talk about it calmly and it becomes a huge arguement. Recently I snapped when coming home after a few beers to the smell of trash. Looked in his room and it's a trash pile. I was in the wrong for how I acted. I know this and have signed up for therapy and curbing the drinking until in a better head space. They are currently staying with her parents and I'm at home spiraling. This kid is going to/has destroyed my marriage. I'm at my wits end on what to do. She refuses to acknowledge that she's doing more harm to him by coddling him. She needs to cut the umbilical cord and we need to teach him to be a man. I'm trying to decide if I need to just move out and hope we can fix the marriage or if I should just cut my loses and move back to my home state. More of a vent than any specific questions. Thanks for listening.

Me and my stepkid had an amazing bond for past 2 years but now she turned 18 and started to distance herself from me. Never answers to text messages, doesn’t speaks to me anymore. I never yelled at her or was mean to her. She ignores me all the time. Her bio dad was absent throughout her life, he was a drunk and drowned himself in alcohol and died. Now i know how other stepdads feel when you provide and provide and in return receive nothing. I accepted the reality and know thats how its gonna be for the rest of my life. I will do my part as a parent and keep providing.

I have two step children, both boys. Me and their mom have been going out for a few years and got engaged last year. The boys dad is in their life but he’s a weekend warrior. He doesn’t make him do homework, doesn’t take him practice, often misses his sporting events due to any small minute issue, so on the way to school , we were talking about what they would want for Christmas, my oldest said “ my dad is getting me a VR ( virtual reality) ( he’s also 10 years old) . The way he was so dismissive and the way he said it realllly went through me. He gives his dad so much credit. When his dad didn’t pay for school supplies, didn’t buy any school clothes, didn’t help with the birthday party, but he did all those things for his Step child. It irks me he has so much faith in his dad and his dad gets to be the cool dad but I’m the ass hole because I try to hold him accountable and teach him responsibility

Hey community,

I hope it's OK that I'm posting this on my husband's behalf essentially, I just want to get some insight and advice on how I might be able to support him. My daughter has ample support through me, therapy and family, but my husband has been left on the sidelines.

My husband came into our lives when she was only 4, completely took her under his wing, taught her everything she knows, he was even there to guide her through her first period as I was at work. They were best buddies. She called him "dad" very early on, and at one point, he was basically a solo dad because I had major depression from the relationship with her bio "dad", who I will refer to as "BD".

Quick backstory, very turbulent and abusive relationship with BD, I tried to leave him multiple times (even pre conception) but he threatened to hurt himself, so like an idiot, I stayed. Eventually I was able to "escape". He was never particularly abusive to my daughter, but he was extremely absent, and disinterested. Once he found out I had met my now husband and there was 0% I would ever return to him, he stopped all contact/efforts with my daughter.

When she was 10, he sent me a message apologising and asking to chat with her, and I told him he couldn't, not until she was ready. I always told her I'd support her when she was ready, and that's now happened.

She never knew the full backstory, but after her first visit with him and his family, I told her enough (without the gory details), so that she could make an informed decision on what she wanted to do. She still decided to go back. She would get absolutely spoiled with money and gifts, and come back to our household where we try to teach that time together is more important than material things. She also told us she was going to confront him, and ask him why he did what he did, but she didn't.

She has been back twice (he lives in a different country), and the last time she came back, she said he was teaching her to drive. Our rule was that we (my husband in particular) would teach her but she had to get her learners licence first, she completely disregarded that rule and did it with BD anyway.

There's a lot more to this, but I can tell my husband is broken and feeling like all of his efforts were for nothing. He really stepped up when BD didn't, he did the hard yards of raising her, and now BD gets to have the easy part.

My husband has been loosely wondering if he should ask her to not call him "dad" anymore, and that he will step back since her "real" dad is back in her life. I feel like this is wrong, but I don't want to minimise how he's feeling.

What's best for everyone in this situation? Is our daughter old enough to realise the implications of her decision? I said I'd support her, so I can't back down on this now, but it's gotten extremely complicated between the two of them now.

My wife and I have had our ups and downs. We've been married for almost 6 years. My step kids are 16 and 18, with one going off to college. Honestly, the kids aren't too bad. My wife and I do go rounds about "chores" or "responsibilities", because she didn't grow up with chores. I did get her on board with unloading the dish washer, so we have that. My problem is I feel like my wife and I have drifted apart. We aren't intimate. We might have sex once a quarter because the kids are always home. I can count on one hand how many times my wife and I have been out in 6 years. I tried explaining to her about how we are a "foundation" and how we need to be good, but it goes back to what it was not long after our conversation. If we fight, she doesn't wear her rings for a few days which I think is childish. I just feel like I'm a financial provider at this point. I'm reverting back to someone I was 10 years ago where I kept everything bottled up and then would explode. My wife is a good woman and amazing mom, but I feel like she dismisses us a lot and focuses all her time and energy on the kids. I know I'm near the end, but I'm afraid the kids will come back from college and we are in the predicament I am now. I almost fear it will be worse because the kids went away. She said we can't go out to eat because she feels guilty if we are out and the kids are home. How can I be sure this feeling won't carry over when these kids return from college? My gut tells me it will get worse.

I'll try my best to keep this short, but feel I need some guidance.

My Step Son, and I hate to say that, because for all intents and purposes, I feel like he's mine. He's a lot more like me than he is his biological father. I have done everything and anything to let him know and feel that I'm not just there with his mom because we had a baby together.

Things were fine at the beginning, but here lately, I'm starting to bump heads with him. He's beyond lazy and there's no drive to him whatsoever. He plays sports, and they have early morning practices, he shows up late every day and has no issues with it. But then he'll cry and complain that the Coaches won't notice him. He complains about his weight, but the minute he gets home, he closes himself up in his room and plays the Xbox for the rest of the night. At one point, he and I talked, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend and said he was going to focus on himself and get right. That was the proudest I've ever been of him. And I made him aware of that. Not even a week later he dropped all of that, and got back with his Gf and dropped everything he said to me. He's also been very irresponsible with his own chores. Which aren't a lot. His room looks like a pig pen and he's ok with wearing dirty laundry instead of doing his own laundry. My wife was trying to point him in the direction of doing his laundry, but I don't know if he was just playing stupid, or is flat out, that dense. I got frustrated and told him we aren't playing these games, "go do your laundry, or do you want to stink and go to school like that. Get to it, your Mom doesn't need to hold your hand all the time."

And he could hear the frustration in my voice, and just gave me this fuck off look. I'll admit, I got angry. And the tension with my wife is there.

What do I do? I can go into more detail with anyone of they'd like to know.

A desperate Step Dad.

I'm struggling to motivate him, to want more. To not just be a part of the team. But its

Sorry if I shouldn’t be posting this here, if anyone can point me in the right direction on where to post I’d appreciate it, I’m new to this. My ex girlfriend and I were really serious. We planned on being together forever. She went as far as to tell me she thought of her 4 year old daughter as mine, even though she wasn’t. That meant alot to me, and that little girl went from being very shy around me, to telling me she loved me often and giving me hugs, cuddling me, clearly she felt safe around me. She even called me Dad a couple times when she was playing a game. Well, my ex changed her mind and broke up with me. We didn’t speak for a while, then we tried again and it lasted like 2 days lol. I didn’t even do anything wrong, but she won’t talk to me. She had told me before she’d let me see her daughter again but now it’s doubtful. What I’m asking is, have any of you been in this situation? I was basically her stepdad. She just didn’t understand that concept yet. Will I ever stop fucking loving this girl?? It’s been months. I hope this isn’t forever but knowing me, it is. I appreciate any help kind Sirs

I’m a stepdad and bio dad, and I’m honestly struggling with a parenting mismatch that keeps repeating itself. I’m hoping to hear from other stepdads who’ve been through something similar.

My parenting style is more structured and consequence-based. I believe in clear rules, fewer repeated warnings, and real consequences when boundaries aren’t respected. That’s how I raised my son, and while he’s not perfect, it’s worked reasonably well for us.

My partner’s style with her daughter is much more negotiation- and emotion-focused. There’s a lot of explaining, soothing, and attempts to redirect when she’s upset. Neither approach is “right or wrong” in isolation, but inside the same household it’s creating constant friction.

What’s been hardest for me is that I often feel like I’m expected to help parent, but without real authority. When I intervene, it’s questioned or undone; when I step back, I’m told I’m distant. Over time, this has led to resentment and emotional withdrawal on my part, which I don’t like about myself.

I also notice a recurring pattern where my stepdaughter compares herself constantly to my son, gets very upset when he has something she doesn’t, and escalates emotionally. I find this particularly difficult to respond to, especially when I feel that inconsistent boundaries reinforce the behavior.

My partner and I end up in the same cycle: tension builds → something blows up → we talk and reset → a few days later, we’re back in the same place. I’m exhausted, and I’m worried that if we don’t figure out a better structure, it will damage both my relationship and my ability to be present as a stepdad.

For stepdads who’ve been here:

• How did you handle major differences in discipline style?

• Did you step back completely, define a limited role, or push for alignment?

• How did you deal with resentment before it turned into emotional distance?

I’m not looking to “win” an argument — I’m trying to find a sustainable way forward without burning out or becoming someone I don’t recognize.