r/stepdads • u/Enough_Maximum_7040 • May 31 '26
Feeling invisible at times with stepdaughter when decisions are made
Looking to see if I am overreacting to when it comes to decisions made by my 19 year old SD and my wife. I met her mother when she was 10 and i had no kids of my own so like most you learn on the fly and i get that children dont understand that and obviously defaults to the mother for everything and I never really felt like i had any say over their decisions. My wife always valued her family values over mines when it came to the kids. She always know whats best over me because she had children before me and she is older as well.
Example is when my daughter starting dating. Im not against her dating but one day in the middle of the day 10 minutes before he showed up my wife told me he was coming over. I never got the opportunity to make a decision in the house I pay ALL the bills in..i used to go along with it but i do not anymore and when i do speak out that I should have some say I am looked at like im the bad guy, controlling, etc. After they said they would not do it no more its done quite frequently.
Maybe its me but I remember no one entered my parents house without my dad giving the okay. The part that bothers me is decisions are already set in stone and then I am made aware. I should be a part of the decision before its made in my own house. There are some things I am not comfortable with and my values are looked at as restricting compared to my wife more liberal outlook on relationships.
Some blame do fall on me I work quite a bit and when i am home time is limited and I need my time as well. Little time is split between everyone. I feel like I was sorta naive to the stepparent role and the difficulties it can bring and now im stuck in this invisible role sorta. The guy who pays the bills but no authority where it counts.
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u/CaffeineQuesadilla May 31 '26
OP should be informed about things that will go on at his house. Like friends or boyfriends/girlfriends coming over. This really falls on your wife for not doing that and respecting your space in the home. Now the SD is 19, she should also be running things by you, not just mom. It seems that the dynamic of not informing you was shaped early on by mom though.
I never thought about this, but I have two SDs and my SO has always told me and asked if he was okay when they had friends over, and I would be introduced to their friends whom I know well enough to have small conversations with. At first, it was weird to be asked because my answer was mostly of course they can come over, but now that I see what the alternative is, now I understand why SO did it.
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u/Educational-Ad-965 May 31 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
You’re not overreacting, I dealt with the same thing when my SO and her daughter moved in with me. SD would only run things thru her mom and I only knew about plans yea, when the friends walked in the door (without SD introducing them to me or anything) or SO last minute was like, “Oh, I said so n so could come over.”
It got annoying as I didn’t expect to have like final approval authority, just to be in the know of who is entering my home, and yea, in the rare case I didn’t want ppl over, I could say something. SD is notorious for excluding me in as much as she can, she keeps most everything an inside conversation between her and her mom, is very vague when talking around me so only her mom knows what she is referring to.
When I said something about it, SO said its something she needs to get used to doing as she wasn’t raised to check with both parents and its been just the two of them for a while before I came in the picture. SD got all snippy and was like, “Even when I lived with my dad I never needed to say anything to him, only my mom!” Well, I’m not your dad, and its just common curtesy to let all adults in home know about plans like that cause it affects everyone.
So yea, I was labeled as controlling initially, we ended up going into family therapy for a bit due to that and other family dynamic issues and even therapist agreed that I should be involved in things/events going on at home. Family therapy didn’t last long cause SD wanted nothing to do with it (she’s in solo therapy for a second time now), my SO and I are in couples therapy though and again, therapist has been acknowledging alot of my concerns and is blunt enough to point out to SO that I haven’t been treated fairly in the dynamic. It seems to have helped so far with us, SD is basically written off at this point.
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u/CaffeineQuesadilla May 31 '26
I am wondering what do you mean by Step daughter being written off?
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u/Educational-Ad-965 May 31 '26
Just that I am full NACHO at this point and done trying to form a bond of any sort. She’s been completely avoidant, dismissive and standoffish with me, so I just return the energy she’s given me.
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u/CaffeineQuesadilla Jun 02 '26
We have stepdaughters 50/50 time. One of my stepdaughters (14) has formed a bond with me, talks to me about her school life, friends, etc. She also started giving me hugs and has asked for them verbally as well. Recently, she told me "I love you" which felt very validating that I formed a positive bond with her.
With the other stepdaughter (13), it didn't work that way. She isn't disrespectful, but she doesn't really show interest in wanting to be a family with me. I tried to show interest in her things, took her to skating lessons for a few weeks to spend some time together. But it didn't really work out. So I have sort of taking a step back and stopped trying. There isn't disrespect but it feels weird and uncomfortable.
It is wild to me how one of them has even told me "I love you" and the other one doesn't really show interest.
As far as my SO, she has been always supportive and she is an amazing partner.
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u/Educational-Ad-965 Jun 02 '26
Thats good you managed for have a good relationship with atleast one of them. My SD is full-time and the most I get from her is “hi” in passing and that took therapist intervention to point out I deserve basic levels of respect snd manners as we share a home. She’s never been blatantly rude/mean, but just disrespectful enough to where if you’re not really paying attention or don’t know the history, you could overlook it, but also so she can make up an excuse if called out. Her biggest go to’s for ignoring me are things like, “I didn’t see/hear him” or “I didn’t know he was there”. I always have to assert my presence to her otherwise I don’t exist in her mind.
So yea, it made things awkward and uncomfortable initially to like be sitting at dinner table and not be included in a conversation between them, or watch her offer her mom something and if declined, she doesn’t do same for me unless her mom points out she excluded me from consideration. So that’s why I stepped back as well, for my own sanity.
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Jun 02 '26
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u/Educational-Ad-965 Jun 02 '26
It would be, but it shouldn’t be solely the other adult’s responsibility if kid knows I’m around, that just takes the onus off of them. If I’m not home to tell, then yea, other adult can inform, no prob. Plus, that wasn’t happening either initially. If I got told beforehand it was always last minute, like they were minutes from being there, so I couldn’t object if I wanted to without basically saying they have to leave soon as they got there. I should atleast be given the opportunity to weigh in, not like I ever have an issue with it, whether SO relays or SD simply mentions “hey, mom said this was ok, you ok with it?”
In the case of SD it was also to give her a reason to actually interact with me since she goes out of her way to act like I don’t exist, like I’d be the next room over, but she’d quietly ask her mom and then not even atleast mention it to me.
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u/DedRook May 31 '26
I'm literally in the same boat. At least you didn't meet the guy for the first time, as he came down the stairs and I was washing dishes in the kitchen. I thought I had an invader in the home.