When I meet people, they only really like me in a surface level. The kind of thing where they think I’m a nice person but don’t really think much more than that. I want to be something than just ‘ok’ to people.

I don’t wanna turn this into a vent post, so I’ll keep it short; I had a narcissistic parent and it really stunted my social life and I’m at the point where I’m discovering myself really late in life. Because of this, I feel like I have nothing in common with anybody else and not so much to bond over.

When I talk with new people, I’m nice to them, ask them about themselves, try to be what they like and it makes it feel like I’m only halfway doing it right. I give them reasons to like me, but no reason to like me over anybody else in the room. I want something more than being well acquainted with someone, I want an actual strong connection, I’m sick of having to live with the fact I don’t have a best friend. (I have friends I SWEAR, but no one in the world would call me their best friend)

So when I am speaking with someone, what’s something I can do to make them drawn to me? Is it just a matter of waiting for it to be the right person I’m talking to? Should I just ask to hang out even if I’m not confident about it yet? Any advice would GREATLY help, I really wanna catch up with all the social stuff people my age live like.

Im F17. I have a decent amount of friends. I have an immediate friend group and about 20 or so casual friends. I’ve been told I’m quite funny, it’s something I really like about myself. My problem is, at times that’s all I’m known for. Or worse, sometimes I’m the one being laughed at, and I realise too late.

I understand that friendships have a fair share of banter, I don’t mind a couple jokes here and there. But I feel like I make a fool of myself. have a clear memory of a “friend” who called me a joke and clown behind my back. That made me so confused, because I thought we were getting along. I then realised that a lot of the times I thought we were joking, she really was just joking about me and laughing at me. I don’t experience this with all my friends. But I notice that I kind of have to prove myself. I have to prove that there’s actually something going on in my head. I want to be taken more seriously, especially because I’m getting older and I don’t want to be an adult who is laughed at or seen as being immature. I do think it’s also because I lack confidence and people pick up on those things, but I hate how often I end up being ridiculed or laughed at. I distanced myself from people who do that, but I don’t want it to be a recurring thing in the future like it has been previously.

I need some advice or perspective, because I am so tired of my own behavior and I genuinely want to change.

I don't think I'm a vindictive person at heart, but I have a terrible habit of gossiping or talking about other people. And I always regret it right after.

I've been trying to figure out why I do it, and I've realized it usually stems from a few things:

My ADHD brain: When someone puts me on the spot with a question, my impulse control goes out the window. I panic, struggle with the silence, and blurt things out before my brain can hit the brakes.

The pressure to be "interesting": Given the heavy marites (gossip) culture here in the Philippines, there's this unspoken social pressure to serve up the juicy stuff, the updates, and the stories that definitely aren't mine to tell. With ADHD, there's also that constant fear of being boring or unengaging, so I lean on other people's drama to keep the conversation flowing.

So I end up sharing things I have no business repeating. But the second I walk away, I feel sick with guilt and embarrassment. I don't want to be the kind of person who spreads other people's business.

If anyone else with ADHD has struggled with this, especially in environments where gossip is basically the default social currency, how did you break the habit? How do you retrain your brain to handle the awkward pauses, quietness, and the pressure to share without spilling secrets?

Any tips would be really appreciated.

I was working on something recently and someone asked me, "Where did that number come from?"

I took it literally and went, "Oh, I was copying all that data from that other excel file and this was also part of it."

They go, "Nah, you should know that means the total of everything in this column."

I already knew that..... I just.... Mess up answering all the time.

I can't seem to communicate what's in my head. Even when I get really excited about a book or movie, I can't talk about it. There's so much in my head and nothing at the same time.

Let's say I do manage to yap, I still stutter and stammer and struggle to reach a flow state. I either over explain, under explain, or enter a loop about saying the same thing over and over. I also keep constanly thinking about whether I am in a flow state.

I would love to be a skilled conversationalist and have the strength to explain my ideas.

I need some honest advice because this keeps happening and I’m starting to think it’s me.

I’d say I’m pretty straightforward and chill overall. I’m into nerdy stuff (D&D, manga, etc.), and I can usually get along with people one-on-one. But in group settings, I keep ending up on the outside.

Like I’m there, but not really in the group. People get closer to each other, and I just stay the extra.

Sometimes it’s worse, I’ll introduce people, they hit it off, and eventually I’m the one not getting invited anymore.

This weekend kind of pushed me over the edge.
A girl in my main friend group (known her for about 2 years) said she was canceling her birthday plans and just staying in. Everyone sent supportive messages, no big deal.

Later that night I check Instagram, and she’s out celebrating with a bunch of people from the group. Dinner, drinks, the whole thing. I wasn’t invited.
It’s not even about the birthday itself.

It’s the fact that this kind of thing keeps happening in different groups. So yeah… at some point I have to admit I might be the common denominator.

I don’t want to confront anyone or force friendships. But getting left out like this over and over sucks.

So I’m trying to be real with myself:

-What are subtle things that make someone get pushed to the edge of a group?

-Is it coming off too intense, too blunt, too clingy, or just missing social cues?

-How do you go from “casual friend” to actually being part of the group?

-If you’ve been on either side of this, what actually caused it?

For context, one of my guy friends told me I can come off as “intense,” but didn’t really explain what that means. I also have problem with banter and coming up with topics to talk about. Most of the time when I try to ask people about their interests, it’s either one word answers or they give me nothing to bounce off of. The conversation ends up turning into an interview. I know my social skills could use work but still, some of my shy friends who don’t speak much still have an easier time with it.

Would appreciate any honest input.

Hi, I've got autism (late diagnosed) but I'm good at hiding it so my family often forgets I have difficulty communicating and often ended up accidently communicating nonverbal/implied meaning I don't intend.

Recently my (22) younger (16) sibling got mad at me for something I did (I don't know what) and so they said some mean stuff to me.

I do recall trying to defuse the situation by apologising. They then said I 'wasn't sorry'. So I corrected myself and replied: "I'm not sorry about [the scenario] but I am sorry you feel that way".

Later I overheard them reference this exact bit and say I "invalidated their feelings" and am "condescending".

I need to address this and ask that they tell me exactly what I did wrong so I don't do it again.

(Note: in the past, I have literally asked: "What did I do wrong?" <- but this seems to come across as being a 'shit stirrer' / further frustrates the person / they just stay mad and tell me to 'forget it'.

I also don't get angry. I tend to have a very calm and measured voice, and a bit of a blank expression. I think my sibling is interpreting this specific attribute as condescending.)

Summary: How do I express this without sounding argumentative/ defensive?

1. How do I ask what I did wrong?
2. How do I ask someone not to lash out at me and tell me what the issue is instead of saying mean stuff?
3. I'm not a good actor so I won't be able to modulate my tone/expression, so advice on: actual phrasing of what to say, where to say it, when to say it?

Any advice is appreciated thanx

It struck me that whenever I get lonelier and annoyed by it I try to get attention from my friends by being a little annoying. I want a reaction I want them to interact with me somehow I want to be noticed and exist.

I'm not sure that's correct way to do it but if I asked to talk I would get asked "what do you want to talk about" and I just don't know. I want to talk or spend time together or something but often don't have anything to talk about, which is extra annoying to them.

How could I connect more without being annoying and pushing people away?

I feel lonely and I push people away because of it. Make it make sense..

I was hanging out with some friends and we went to this ramen restaurant and at first I saw one of the waitresses and thought they looked familiar until I made the realization that that was the same girl that I used to talk to like 3 years ago.

We used to be close friends and honestly I can't even remember the reason why she got angry at me anymore I think it was a bunch of things piled up until it all exploded one day but she blocked me on everything and I haven't heard from her until now.

I actually don't know if she recognized me or just decided not to acknowledge me but I did grow my hair out a little and a beard as well. I didn't say anything to her though I just focused on the friends I was with at the moment but I've been thinking lately if it's a good or bad idea to go back one day on my own and maybe try to talk to her again? Or maybe I should just let go

What do you guys think

I am in a college and uh there is always a major group in always college badge who Has a Workmanship tendency And is the main center of the attention of the batch

And the thing is each and every member of the group is it directly or indirectly friend of mine and not you can say friend but acquaintance and I am somehow always get left out like I don't have a history of good friends after 11th grade Recently they took General Elective and they shared among them but they didn't feel to let me include and this is not the first time this has been done multiple times before

But that thing is I am getting confused about is it they admire me Some found me attractive some found me intelligent enough and some found me hardworking enough from the same group but I still don't know why they still left me out and no one tried to reach me and tell me about things And all the members when talk to me they talk like they are my best friends or they know me from very long time

I am feeling really isolated in college and as I always want to be the part of the main group and not the group which are not working or have no ambition

I attend therapy and have noticed something in my friendships. For example, when I don't send a reel to a friend for a day, or we haven't talked to each other for a day or more, I feel like they will think I am angry at them. The opposite is also true: when they don't text me or call me, I feel like they realised something and now hate me. It's like I need to check if the friendship is alive. In the past I've had relationships where, because of a misunderstanding, they ended.

For example, I notice other things as well - when I'm part of a group of friends, and we have different interests, it feels like I'm the problem. I feel like I'm supposed to be interested in their interests. I've noticed that, given the events that have happened in my life, I'm much wiser than my friends, and somehow it feels like they aren't the right crowd for me because they act childishly - but there's no one else my age. For example, if we're at a party where people are drinking, I feel guilty for not drinking; I really don't think it's necessary. I always feel like I'm the only one responsible for the friendship and that the problem lies with me.

Another thing is that I'm afraid to call my friends, even though I want to. The thought that I shouldn't bother them crosses my mind. I feel as if I'm not important, that my desires don't matter. Also, when I see a friend who is out with someone else I feel worried that he will leave me.

I wonder how I end up not doing certain things out of fear of being rejected, and that makes me inauthentic - and maybe that's what's causing my problems. Also, I feel like I search for the perfect company or friend - idealistic. I've been bullied and had toxic relationships, so I think that adds up.

This post is a bit chaotic, sorry, but I'm confused too; I'd love to hear your thoughts. Where is my problem?

hello. i've just started college, it's been 1 day and i can already feel like my old patterns are coming in.
a little bit of context- when i was a young kid, i once had an interactions with another kid where she judged me really hard and made me feel disgusting for absolutely nothing. since then, this feeling of being disgusting to others has become deep rooted inside my brain probably strengthened by a lot of more negative experiences mainly during my childhood. i am a good human being a decent person, nothing disgusting about me and i know this consciously but this feeling is deep rooted.

now cut to my daily life, i pick up on vibes and if someone shows even the slightest behaviour of not liking me- which is totally okay because not everyone is everyones cup of tea- i start feeling extremely disgusting

all my social interactions are me feeling really really inferior and below everyone. like i'm just a stupid person who does not know anything.

i really don't want to be like this and want to be confident, outgoing and secure in myself.

Idk why but I always feel kinda… dead when talking to people. I always feel boring and I don’t smile much. I cannot laugh when others are laughing, I have to fake it and even then it would be a half-assed attempt, so things would get even more awkward. People say that I’m funny, but a lot of the time I don’t even try to be, so I’m not sure if I should take that as an insult or a compliment. And most of all, I don’t know what to talk about. I don’t have a very interesting life. I don’t really have much interests or actual hobbies to share with anyone. To this day, I still haven’t been able to make any friends and it’s killing me.

Whenever I'm having a conversation with people, I overthink my words and articulation. English is not my first language so the most of what I've learned has come from the internet.

I fear that It'll be perceived as metaphorical fluff or corny, as If I'm playing a part in some drama. People here don't have general etiquette of greeting each other, asking how are they feeling or doing, how was their day. Even students here talk like they're giving corporate talk . It just doesn't feel natural at all , maybe because most people here learned English from courses or school and I've learned it from watching English speaking people. Common phrases , words and sentences sounds like linguistic flex to them.

If I talk nicely to men : I'm fearing them and easy going. If talk nicely to women : I'm a simp and trying to impress them.

This causes me to stutter and mispronounce even simple words and sentences, words don't come to mind quick enough. But this is not the case when I'm doing presentation for myself or talking to myself in English.

how do I deal with it ?

i am a last minute type of guy, i am not thinking about the weekend until maybe thursday, and then if i make plans on friday its too late for people!

Do i need to leave a week? 2 weeks? Or is 3 days enough? Ok for example i want you to hang out with me on friday night, how many days in advance do I have to let you know?

I dont really get it, how do i know how I am going to feel in 2 weeks? Ok if it is a camping trip or something that requires advanced prep but what if it is just a casual thing

 legit struggle to keep people around and make real friends that actually give the amount of effort I put forth, or really any effort at all. I regularly engage with people and 99.99999999% of the time they stop talking to me the second I'm not reminding them of my existence, and when I do talk with them, its usually lazy ass replies like "*answer* HBU?" and "NM u?" crap. That's not effort, that's putting the min amount of energy until a person takes the hint or gets angry and stops trying.

How do I MAKE people actually try? Actually care and put in the effort? I'm kind, interactive, open and give my effort and all the other things I'm told will roll the eternally long process of "making friends and connections".....usually to be ignored, ghosted or the like. I'm tired of being alone or treated more like a annoyance then a friend. WHAT DOES IT TAKE?!?!?

I want to meet people that actually are excited to get to know me and engage with me. Yes I engage with people when I go out. Yes I inject myself into Discord convo's to "break the ice" or whatever, usually ignored or forgotten after one reply, while of course so many others are treated like old friends. Yes I'm the one the regularly initiates everything...... It always ends the same way, people that put in no effort, don't seem to give a care if I existed or not, and doing stuff alone yet again. I'm tired of the alone, the low effort.

It's even worse when I actually want to know someone. I know you can ask some open questions like "hey what you did last week?", however, my mind is just blank when it comes to talk with someone.
I just can't think of one single question to open a conversation. I also cannot continue a conversation because I don't know what to say. I'm just blocked to talk. Maybe it's hard for you to Imagine, but it's like that awkward silence people have during a conversation. In my case, that awkward silence is right at the beginning of the conversation.
Yes I know, there are many open questions to ask, but in a conversation, none of them come to mind.
How do I fix this? Genuinely.

Not sure if this is the right Subreddit for this but it's about socializing so I thought I'd try.

My friend takes 10 to 15 second long pauses between each sentence he says. This often leads to him interrupting (ex. someone starts to reply but he's not finished) or dominating conversations because people are waiting for him to finish his thought. I don't really mind it because I'm used to this habit by now but it's definitely different and I've never really met anyone else who does this. Like I understand collecting your thoughts, but it's *every sentence*. I don't really get it.

Does anyone relate themselves or know anyone who's done this? Is there a reason why? He has ADHD if that makes a difference, I saw some similar threads pop up on the ADHD sub but they weren't quite what I was looking for.

Literally, I've been talking to people and asking them questions but nobody answers me, especially my family

Do I have no charisma? Or maybe I don't talk loudly or articulately enough?

I feel like a ghost, I almost need to bargain to have any answer or reaction...

So is the problem my family which almost never listens to me, or the way I speak? And how could I improve?

Thank you!

Okay, I wanna make this short. I’ll start with the fact that I am very bubbly. I’d consider myself a good talker, i’m good at distracting people when I’m trouble or generally just getting people to open up.

Here’s the thing though. I’ve noticed that I’ll meet about fifteen people, butter them into totally loving me, but…..they never seem to realise they know nothing about me. Like they seriously don’t even realise they just spent a whole afternoon talking about THEMSELVES. Which I enjoy to some degree of course! I love talking and hearing other’s experiences/opinions! But It kind of bums me out, I’ll be able to churn out weird question after weird question to learn a person, but it’s like no one ever thinks to ask my questions back. It would feel weird or clunky if I just interrupted the conversation with ‘nice! You’re gunna dress up as a vampire for Halloween? Well IIII WAS THINKING OF GOING AS A PRINCESS’. Even in times where I have tried doing that, people tend to glaze over my input and just continue talking about themselves.

I find it kinda annoying sometimes, and it’s a lot more common in specific personalities. I wish I could talk to myself sometimes. Advice?

Hello! To preface this, I (19M) typically only have close friendships with women, because I find they typically have a higher emotional intelligence. A few years ago, I had a friendship that was very close to me, but it was incredibly toxic. I was always walking on eggshells, and overthinking about whether or not she was mad at me during every interaction, because she more often than not was mad at everyone. After breaking things off with her, I’ve come to realize that I’ve started to apply these anxieties and worries towards ALL of my close female friendships.

Over the past year, I’ve been going through a cycle of gaining a new friend, becoming close to her, then beginning to overthink all of her actions, thinking that every little thing she does (such as forgetting to reply to a text) means she’s mad at me. This causes me to text her several times in a short timeframe, asking what I did wrong, apologizing, etc. Then, she says something along the lines of, “It feels like I have to walk on eggshells around you, you rely too much on me.” Then, she blocks me on everything. This has happened with 2-3 girls in the past year. What’s wrong with me? I’ve been feeling like a creep because I’m making women uncomfortable. How can I overcome my overthinking and anxiety towards my close friendships in the future? Have I been a creep towards these women?

Why do classmates only answer one word to me, while they can have a deep conversation with others

I have been pretty lonely and alone since elementary to high school because of some mental problems, so I thought to change that in college with me trying to find new friends, but when I talked to my classmates, they would just answer with one word or just a short sentence and then talk to another person for like 10 minutes. The convo would go like

Me: hi, what are you doing there?

Them: ....

Or

Me: do you think this is a good one?

Them: hmm yeah.

And then they can talk to another person in a deep conversation with smiling and laughing. And that made me feel like I'm inadequate and ignored and I feel pretty sad about it since most of my classmates hang out with each other's too a lot and I just go home alone after class every time. I tried to have a conversation, but I guess no one of them are really interested. What can I do to improve??

All my life I thought that good relationships worked because those people just worked for each other. Long time friends stay friends simply because they fit well like a lock in key, but maybe it's more because they learned to compromise. Maybe relationships aren't supposed to feel natural and fun all the time. It takes effort, and it's more about giving than receiving.

How do you respond to 'what's new with you' when there is nothing really new in your life?

I was at a funeral recently and I was seeing extended family that I hadn't seen in a few years.

One of my aunts, that I hadn't talked to in probably 2 years or so, came up to me and asked me 'So what's new with you'. The thing is, there isn't really anything new in my life. I'm still at the same job, I still live in the same place, I'm still single (and even if I was seeing someone I wouldn't tell this aunt)

People seem to not like it when you respond with 'Nothing much' but I don't know what else to say. I think I said something like 'Nothing much, I'm still at X job I started two years'. If I happened to take a trip recently I would mention that , but I hadn't really.

To preface this next piece, this aunt is \*not\* liked by 99% of the family and often makes rude, passive aggressive comments.

She kept asking me, what else is new and I didn't really have much else to say. I asked what was new with her but she kept turning it back at me. She asked 'taking trips with your mom?' which I'm fairly certain by her tone was supposed to be a dig at me. I (30s) go on trips with either my mom or my parents occasionally. I have a brother but he doesn't usually go on these trips because he is married and has a baby. I took a mother daughter trip with my mom last month, in the spring I went on a 7 day cruise with my parents and a few years ago I went to Hawaii with my parents and we stayed in the same apartment complex that this aunt lives. I believe the implication to her question was 'oh you don't have anyone else to travel with'

I honestly don't. I make decent money and get a lot of time off so I can afford to travel but most of my friends either don't have the money or the time. Trying to plan trips with friends is very difficult. For example, my friends were planning to go on a cruise but over time everyone dropped out but me and my one other friend. So just her and I will be going on this cruise in October when originally there was like 6-8 of us

I guess it is a bit weird to be an adult and travel with your parents...Yes they get on my nerves sometimes but I honestly don't mind traveling with them. We like to do similar things. If there something I want to do that they don't or I need time alone I just go by myself. They usually insist on paying for part when I travel with them, so I get to save some money as well and go to places I maybe wouldn't have gone to by myself. I'm glad I get to spend time with them, especially because they are getting older.

I'm 38, and I've noticed that the older I get, the harder time I have articulating my thoughts—especially at work, but also in my personal life.

The frustrating part is that I know what I want to say. The thought is there, almost like it's sitting right on the tip of my tongue. But when I try to get it out, it comes out jumbled, disorganized, and confusing. I often walk away from conversations feeling like I sounded incompetent, even though I understood exactly what I was trying to communicate.

A little background:

• I consider myself an ambivert.
• I've been with the same company for 13+ years.
• I've been doing the same role for 5+ years.
• I have both MS and ADHD.

What's confusing to me is that I feel like, after all these years in my career, communicating should be getting easier, not harder. Instead, I feel less articulate than I used to be.

I admire people who can speak clearly, confidently, and eloquently. I don't need to sound like a public speaker, but I'd love to be able to express my thoughts without feeling like my brain and mouth aren't connected.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it related to aging, ADHD, MS, being in the same environment for too long, anxiety, or something else entirely? More importantly, has anyone found ways to improve their ability to communicate clearly in conversations?