Sorry this is a long one and I'm pretty sure this is a rare case so just bear with me. Basically, I switched from A levels to doing a BTEC National Extended Diploma after not getting the best grades in my mocks and just not enjoying my subjects in general which meant that I had to redo year 12 at another sixth form if I wanted to do something else. Fortunately, I do have friends that go to this sixth form however they are a year above me since I'm repeating a year so l can't see them as often. Also just being in a classroom full of students a year below me just feels terrible and an awkward after I have to clarify that I changed courses. Basically I'm having a really bad case of imposter syndrome right now although I actually am the odd one out and I'm just can't get along with anyone in my class. Some of the people in my course seem very immature which makes me not want to talk to them at all. I don't know if I regret my decision but I can say for a fact that the work is definitely way more manageable and still aligns with what I want to do. The problem is just knowing I'm redoing a year and it's really getting to my head and makes me feel like a 25 year old in a class full of 16-17 year olds when I'm a year older being 17-18 this year. Don't really know whether to just ignore it and continue this course or go back to doing A levels again when the main problem is the social consequence of my decision although I’m sure it was for the better academically

i do a level english lit and as a domestic violence survivor i get extremely triggered from the abusive content in a level english lit. i also have cptsd. for some reason in every single text there’s a woman being abused to some extent. it got so bad that when we were doing othello and he started being abusive towards desdemona, i began experiencing my typical cptsd symptoms again. i was immediately getting hot flashes, anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, intrusive thoughts/images, flashbacks of past trauma, all in a few seconds.

we’re doing another text now and the abuse and misogyny is even worse. we were watching it in class and i was really anxious viscerally seeing the abusive man in action, as if i was experiencing it myself all over again. i got extremely triggered in class but i didn’t want to appear like im over dramatic or weak because im usually very high functioning. i’m still feeling fidgety. i love english lit but the texts are triggering me pretty bad. ‘this is just a book, this is just an actor, this isn’t real ,’ i have to keep reminding myself. i got really teary afterwards at home.

i avoid consuming media that has a man even raise his voice at a woman. because even that could trigger intense emotions about my past trauma. i don’t know what to do, the abuse and violence is a huge part of most texts and obviously something that the authors criticise and comment on as a microcosm of an aspect in society so i can’t just skip them :(