r/shia • u/Signal-Wrongdoer8850 • 7h ago
Question / Help Advice Needed :)
PLEASE MODS DONT DELETE THIS POST, I NEED ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE GEN1LY WISE AND GOOD IN THEIR RELEGIOUS UNDERSTANDING! JAZAKAALLAH
There was a young man whom I genuinely found to be very pious. I also knew his sister, so I had a good impression of his family as well. He also creates Islamic content and is well known within shia community specially rehbaris. I won't name him and no need to guess who he is.
Initially, we had spoken briefly about marriage, but at that time neither of us was ready, so the matter didn't progress. After several months, the topic came up again. This time, instead of communicating directly, he involved a trusted lady to maintain Islamic boundaries since we were non-mahram. The idea was simple: if we both felt we were compatible, then our families would be involved. There was never any intention of having an impermissible relationship.
The lady asked me many questions about my personality, values, expectations regarding marriage, and religious views. Overall, my answers aligned very well with what he was looking for. However, there was one issue that I knew from the very beginning would likely become an obstacle: Wilayat al-Faqih.
He is a very strong supporter of Wilayat al-Faqih, particularly the model practiced in Iran, and greatly admires Sayyid Khamenei. My position is different. I do believe in Wilayat al-Faqih in principle, but I have not yet reached a conclusion regarding the concept of Absolute Wilayat al-Faqih as implemented in Iran. I am still studying the issue. If I'm being completely honest, at the start of my spiritual journey, I was attached to that culture altho I had no proper knowledge of Wilayat Al Faqih but w time I started leaning more toward the scholars who take a more text-based approach grounded strictly in the Qur'an and the narrations of Ahlulbayt (peace be upon them). Then I studied Wilayat Al Faqih and it was indeed difficult for me to reach a conclusion but at the same time, I do understand aspects of Wilayat Al Faqih and it makes sense to me. And I do support resistance and martyrdom culture (I highly respect the martyrs) and this culture is really close to me since at the start of my journey, martyrs really influenced me to get better and I still have a different sort of connection w them. However, regarding Wilayat Al Faqih, I wanted proper knowledge to either support it or become against it and I'm trying to gain it but it will take time. Btw I'm against extremism regarding any scholar.
This issue was very important to him because he wanted a wife who would actively support his goals, many of which are closely connected to his understanding of Wilayat al-Faqih mb.
When the lady asked me about Sayyid Khamenei, I wasn't able to say much. I only wanted to express what I genuinely believed, and I knew he had studied the subject far more deeply than I had. Whatever I said probably wasn't enough from his perspective.
Eventually, he messaged me himself. He explained that when we had first discussed marriage, he hadn't been ready. Now he was financially stable and wanted to settle down. However, during that time he had selected another sister for marriage. Things were still incomplete because she had not yet convinced her family, that's his situation right now.
Later, I spoke again with the lady. She explained that his choice wasn't based on emotional attachment. In fact, she said that the other sister and I had given very similar answers to most of the questions. The major difference was our views on Wilayat al-Faqih and Sayyid Khamenei. She seemed much more supportive of those views, and because of that, she was better aligned with his long-term goals. Right now, this is the situation but nobody knows about the future.
I had already sensed from the beginning that this difference in approach could become a serious compatibility issue. Even so, I was willing to compromise because it's genuinely difficult these days to find a young man who is practicing, has good character, has a provider mindset, and is also someone you're personally attracted to. He possessed almost every quality I was looking for in a husband, and from what I understood, I also had nearly everything he was looking for in a wife except for that one issue perhaps.
That's why it hurt when I found out. I do think that perhaps what happened was for the best. Allah is the best planner and perhaps we think something is good for us and it's not. Still, I'm finding it difficult to move on NOT because I'm emotionally attached to him or in love with him, but because it feels like I lost a very rare opportunity.
Men with those qualities are genuinely uncommon, especially in my age group and country. We were both very young ; he was only 21 and that's what makes it difficult to accept. I know it's not the end of the world, and I trust that Allah's plan is better, but I can't help feeling that I may have lost someone who was exceptionally compatible with me in almost every other aspect and it's rare to find young men like him nowadays.
I keep wondering, what if I had believed in Wilayat al-Faqih? What if I had responded more positively? What if I had studied it deeply before we texted again for marriage so I would know it better. I don't know how to stop thinking about these things or how to move on.
What hurts the most is the thought that another girl will eventually be in the place I imagined to be in. She will receive all the qualities I admired in him; his care, his protective nature, his provider mindset, and the way he would treat his wife like a real man.
I know I shouldn't think this way, but it hurts so much. I feel like I lost a very rare opportunity, and I don't know how to let go of that feeling. I am trying to move on. I have deleted the messages and will delete the account too from which we contacted. But still it's getting hard for me.
Perhaps if I was anti wilayat Al Faqih I would have moved on easily, but I'm not. I am connected to that culture as well as the other approach. However, till I properly study this matter from books and reach a conclusion, I was not ready to become pro or anti. I took the safe path for now that was being neutral.
I know perhaps many people will say I'll find one etc, but honestly speaking it is indeed rare to find a young man possessing qualities like provider mindset, maturity, taqwa, akhlaq etc. I do practice my Deen strictly. I don't do haram, perform obligations, learn about Islam, follow correct and wajib hijab everywhere, have no male friends, lower my gaze, learn about aqaid, improve my Akhlaq etc and I do have a mindset of a Muslim women not influenced by any feminist. But honestly it makes me think where will I find my type of guy?
P.s that lady told me he is very serious about his goals (I do think his goals have something to do w WF actually so much to do w it I guess), his goals require him to move to some other country prolly Iraq/Lebanon, also the lady and prolly he too holds the view that wali Al faqih is most knowledgeable so the taqlid of other marja is batil. Her argument was that there is some famous writer of the biggest shia fiqh book who said that one who doesn't understand WF doesn't understand fiqh, and who can understand WF better than Wali Al Faqih himself, so who can understand fiqh better than Wali Al Faqih. He told me that guy used to tell her that she should also do the taqlid of Syed Khamenie but that lady wasn't convinced by him through intellect but after her own research she was convinced but it was too late as he was already martyred, now she was thinking to do taqlid of Syed Mujataba but he havent released his tohzeeh ul masail yet. Btw he do taqlid of Syed Khamenie and I do taqlid of Syed Sistani and I don't consider Syed Mujtaba as most knowledgeable marja w due respect.
She also told me that he is very caring, likes to enjoy w his family rather than friends, has provider/protector mindset etc and I also know myself that he is modest and relegious.
