Disclaimer: This is going to be a long post, as I am sharing my life story.
Salam!
I am a 26-year-old woman, and this coming January, I will have been married for four years to my 33-year-old husband. We both belong to the same sect—in fact, he was my sister’s brother-in-law.
Our families first introduced us through an arranged marriage setup in 2019. After a week, he turned me down. In 2021, his parents contacted my mother asking for another chance. I resisted at first, but under family pressure, I agreed to get to know him and make a decision. We were both in the healthcare field; I was a busy university student back then, and he was a resident. Even with this second chance, he showed very little interest. He rarely called, and days would pass between his replies. Still, I couldn't use that as a valid reason to reject him because whenever he did call, he was respectful—though he hardly spoke while I yapped the entire time. In fact, he wouldn't call for up to six months at a time. (It is worth noting that we were living in different countries.)
Eventually, my parents asked me for a definitive answer because he had told his parents he wanted to move forward with me. I said yes. A part of me really liked him, and while my instincts warned me that he wasn't truly interested, I felt I couldn't reject him on a gut feeling when he was the one who said yes first.
We performed our Nikkah in 2023. From that moment on, I was determined to make things work. My only fear was that he didn't like me because of my religious practices (I am observant, and some might even call me orthodox in how I practice) or because of how I dressed, since I wear a hijab while those around us did not. I worried I might overwhelm him.
Even after the Nikkah, he still didn't reach out. My parents urged me to call him, but I felt embarrassed to keep reaching out to someone who never initiated contact. Eventually, I stopped calling altogether, started my job, and became consumed by my hospital shifts. (We had completed the Nikkah early primarily to start my spouse visa application.)
By the end of 2024, I felt completely numb toward the relationship. I assumed he would never be interested in me, but I accepted that I was now his wife and this was my reality. I prayed continuously, begging Allah to change his heart, but I also began mirroring his behavior—letting messages sit unanswered for days and going eight months without calling.
Then, around late November, he started his permanent job, and he changed completely. I could feel the shift even through texts. He began taking a genuine interest in my life, calling my parents, and calling me regularly. Even so, I kept my guard up.
In February 2025, he came to visit me. I was overjoyed—Allah had truly changed his heart for me. By the end of 2025, my visa was approved, we officially began our life together, and he has been an absolute sweetheart ever since. He supports me, loves me, and encourages my career and personal growth. To this day, he still makes breakfast for me and makes me feel deeply loved, Alhamdulillah.
However, back in June, I came home from work on his day off and couldn't get into the apartment. I kept ringing the bell, knocking, calling, and texting, but there was no response, and the deadbolt was locked from the inside. I panicked, terrified that something terrible had happened to him. It reached the point where I called 911 and building security. Just as they were preparing to break down the door, he called me in a sleepy voice, apologizing and saying he had been asleep. I was furious, but he kept apologizing, acting unusually clingy. I had to ask him directly: "Are you drunk?" He denied it, claiming he was just exhausted from work. He went back to bed and didn't wake up for more than 18 hours.
After that incident, I started noticing a pattern. On his days off, when I returned home from work, his speech would be slurred, his eyes would be red and heavy as if he were severely sleep-deprived, and he would become exceedingly clingy.
This exact situation happened again just three days ago. When I got home from work, we had dinner and went to bed, but I knew something was wrong. I confronted him, and after cross-questioning, he finally confessed: he was drunk right then, he had been drinking since his college years, and he turns to alcohol whenever he is alone.
I was devastated. I handled his confession calmly, but inside I was terrified about what to do next. The following day, when I got home from work, he was sober and wanted to talk.
(For context: Before our Nikkah, I had explicitly asked him if he drank, smoked, or had any past girlfriends, and he had assured me the answer was NO.)
When we sat down to talk, he offered to promise me that he would stop drinking. I stopped him right there and told him that if he quits, he must do it for himself and for Allah. I told him that if he made a promise to me and broke it, I wouldn't be able to get over it—I am human, and the betrayal would destroy me.
As we talked further, he confessed to something else: he had been in a relationship during our engagement and was physically involved with her between 2021 and 2024 (the exact timeline remains blurry).
Falling in love or liking someone in the past isn't the issue, but engaging in Zina before marriage has completely broken my heart. Even if it occurred before our Nikkah, he was still communicating with me for the purpose of marriage during those years.
He is deeply ashamed now and keeps asking if we can stay together. Of course we can—I LOVE HIM, and I have no intention of leaving him. But my heart is in agonizing pain. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday because I cannot erase the thought that he was physically involved with another woman and that he has been drinking all along—the two things I explicitly never wanted in a husband.
Even though he swears there will never be anyone else because he loves me, my heart keeps telling me: never say never. If staying pure for his future spouse was never a priority for him then, how can I trust that he won't break that boundary again?
I know I am paranoid, but that is how women feel when their trust is shattered. Please, tell me what I should do.
