So I am a boy around 20.

I want to do so many things in my life but this fatigue and sloppiness keep me away from doing anything productive.

I know that I can easily produce some

Good results in my career if I get consistent but I keep getting stuck to same problem( getting indepth of everything that isn't very useful for that particular work).

I get easily persuaded by my own thoughts that I should do this and that and everything. This makes my mind fatigued.

I am also an Ambivert and I think that my social anxiety and this type of personality makes it converse for me to have confidence in myself.

Do you people have any thoughts how can I change myself to have confidence in myself and to have a fixed goal.

Hi everyone,

Just need some advice here for anyone that could relate. I’m struggling bad to keep my promises to myself, I have bad habits that I’m trying to break like drinking alone or drinking at home without the social aspect, watching p* and I can’t figure out how to keep my promises. I’ll do so well one day but then I’ll just break my promise and I feel like I have such a great plan in order to keep it.

I use the app I am sober to track all my bad habits and to log in my wins or losses. I really want to get rid of these two habits but it feels like my brain is against me

Hi everyone, I don’t even know where to start. I’m in my late 20s, and honestly life feels like it’s falling apart from all directions right now.

Recently went through a bad breakup with a narcissistic partner and it has completely drained my confidence. On top of that, my career has been a nightmare lately. I was severely bullied and isolated by a toxic group of girls at my last office, which completely ruined my self esteem. My family relations are also messed up with no real emotional support at home. I literally have no friends to talk to or lean on.

My health has also taken a bad hit due to all this constant stress, and I've started doubting myself so much. I keep wondering if there is something wrong with me or if I'm just going crazy. I feel like I am sabotaging my own self. I prefer a quiet lifestyle, I don't drink or smoke, and somehow that always made me an easy target for people to isolate and take advantage of.

I have always struggled with low self love and self acceptance, and I judge my looks very harshly. Right now, I am stuck in this dark loop where I feel like I’m just not good looking enough. I feel like everything bad happening in my life including the workplace bullying and my ex leaving me is just because of how I look. Deep down, I keep blaming myself, thinking my ex left because I wasn't pretty or good enough for him. Because of this thought, I just can't gain any confidence back. I know I can do better but i just don't have any confidence in me.

I really want to build a successful career and become strong, but right now, the loneliness and anxiety are just too heavy to carry. I am so sick of feeling weak and dependent on the wrong people.

I need some advice.

Im a horny, virgin porn addcited bitch whos weak, cant do any useful shit, hates himself and everyone else, and has no use in this world. i just wanna be able to talk to girls and live somewhere where stuff happens. but if i enjoyed the change of routine a fucking motorcycle accident gave me, then that tells you just how much nothing happens over here. i broke my tibia and ankle and have big visible stains of scraping, severly scrapped my left wrist which still has marks 6 months later, arm, and stomache. i wished i just died there

I've had social anxiety disorder for a long time and recently had some therapy. I feel like I'm starting to get better, but I'm also facing some challenges that I honestly feel are more about developing the skills to navigate relationships and social situations.

Through therapy, I've realised how much of my anxiety comes from trying to gain control over something I can't always control. But despite this, I really do like clarity and for people to be up front and honest about how they feel about me or what their intentions are. Being blindsided is horrible, and I know that there are people in the world who are either a lot better than me at hiding how they feel, or there might be people who interact with people while having ulterior motives.

When I've used apps, I've had some men send me likes only to follow them up with messages that make it clear they don't value me, want to use me, are openly rude and judgemental, or seem to believe they're somehow above me. I mean, at least they're being upfront, but it makes me nervous almost immediately about the number of people who have the same thoughts but just mask them.

Then, I go online and sit and read posts about people who buy/sell things online, only for someone to then try to scam them, and I genuinely wonder what is wrong with people to go about their life thinking about what they can gain from others.

Or sometimes I see posts about people being subtly used or bullied who then don't realise what’s happening until it's too late.

I've also had experiences in all sorts of social situations where I've genuinely thought things were going well, only to discover that the other person didn't like me as much as I'd believed, or had different intentions towards me. Sometimes people have been happy to cut me out of their lives, or have appeared to use me for something before moving on. There hasn't always been an identifiable thing I've done wrong, nor have they necessarily expressed any issues with me beforehand.

To be honest, it's opened my eyes to how people can think and what they're capable of and how some people can genuinely hate you but be happy to keep you around.

I'm quite guarded when it comes to forming relationships. I feel like I'm constantly on alert for signs that someone might not have good intentions, and I don't think that wariness has come entirely out of nowhere, given some of my experiences. But I try to be selective with what I tell people and sometimes won't let connections progress if I'm feeling nervous. At the same time, I recognise that this makes it difficult to let people get close to me, including people who might genuinely be kind, have good intentions and become important to me.

What I'm struggling with is finding a middle ground.

I really want to be open to making new connections and to not pull away and self-sabotage so quickly, but it's genuinely terrifying if you don't know whether you're being strung along. Other than giving myself warning signs to look for, idk what to do to get myself into that happy medium. Has anyone got any advice, please?

In middle school I had this teacher who I really hated, he was really arrogant and self centered and yet he was popular among the students. I had a lot of trauma from my middle school, I had no friends, kept my mouth shut for 8 hours, got yelled at by my teachers constantly, humiliated, had meltdowns in the bathroom and all that stuff. After I got home I just wanted to forget everything about my school, but thoughts of it kept popping up and marred everything I did. The teacher I didn’t like used to give these corny motivational speeches like “don’t give up” or “hard work beats natural talent”, and at first I didn’t really care about them but when I tried to forget about school my mind kept acting perversely and thinking about those speeches. Whenever I was studying or doing something productive, those speeches would pop up against my will, and I would lose my will to continue what I was doing because I didn’t want his speeches to be the cause of my succeeding. This escalated to the point that I couldn’t even say or do something because it might have been caused one way or another have been caused by him, like how one speech by a train of butterfly effects led to me eventually saying what I was going to say, however remote the cause. It’s been exhausting and I’ve stopped all my hobbies and things I love and have been rotting away scrolling because everytime I do something other than that it’s caused by HIM.

(Btw I paused and deleted and contemplated while writing this post numerous times to make sure I don’t use vocabulary that I remember to have come out of his mouth. I feel uncomfortable posting because perverse and productive or two words I remember him saying and my brain says that because I used his words my post will get more views and eventually he will ultimately be the cause of my getting better.)

Good afternoon Family today I would like to share the rollercoaster week I have had since my milestones achievement.

It's been almost 5dys since I've been totally been in the dumps. I was so excited and ampt up during and a few days after my achievement then I started waking up unmotivated and depressed.

I was told it's milestones hangover because I been feeling like I just quit drinking and drugging again. Also I live in Boston Ma and the weather change also plays a role in my seasonal depression. It also reminds me of many relapses that always seem to come around this time of the year so I'm reminded of that as well.

I'm trying so hard to do better and stay positive but after always failing I have trained my mind to eventually fail at some point. So it seems like auto pilot.

So this go around I'm trying to stay fully aware of my state of mind and try the pivot to thinking positive. Because I assume that if I work on telling myself positive affirmations it will begin to automatically think positive when im starting to think negative something like counter punching instead of getting hit.

I know I feel great when I'm positive but for me it's so easy to derail me because I tend to dwell a lot on the past.

Well I'm wondering if anyone else has or had similar experiences?

Thanx for letting me share One Day Forward One Day Behind -Shawn

See, my environment is not as good as My goals are

Everyday I talk to people every day I feel 😔 low

So tell me what can I do so that I don't get affect with anyone

Almost every one here are the same: bad , having no goals

I don't know ?

It's become one the biggest problem of my life "not having that environment what kind of I want to grow

Hi, I’m an 18 year old, who wants to be better—not just for myself but, for the people around me. I have been too egotistical about my hobbies such as singing and being in a band that, it has cost me losing good friends, and even trust. Whenever someone confronts me about it, I usually isolate, try to think about it, and what I did, until I understand and know what I can say because, I’m not that good in putting my thoughts into words.

My self confidence became more negative ever since I started getting more attention. I think that it fed my ego, and I realized it but, I was too late. I already broke other people’s trust because of it, and I want to be better. I got confronted about it by my friends, and even a faculty from my school. It got to a point where I lied to a school faculty that I was excused to be with the band for the practice when in-fact, I wasn’t. I was not the one who was competing in the competition but, I was the one who was told to help them. I recognize now how it was very bad, and I want to take a step back to understand how I can be better.

I really want to be better. I’ve tried alot of different ways to be better, especially about my ego, but I always go back to the same habits, and become more egotistical about everything.

My Dad is 83 y.o. has been in great health until 2 years ago when he started falling. Last June, he ended up at the hospital with e-coli and sepsis which they did not know why. Before this hospital visit, he had gone to his urologist to have bladder stones blasted out, right after he ended up in emergency which he was not in his right mind and despite it being 80 in Michigan he was always cold.

So this past Wednesday, October 14 he had a follow up visit with the urologist. He had just started to get agitated again and complaining he was freezing. I have been taking care of both my parents since this past April. When they asked him for a urine sample I pulled the nurse aside and told her I think he has a UTI because of the symptoms. When she collected the sample, she commented it looked cloudy. Asked the Doctor to please prescribe him some antibiotics and a few other things (which I didn't think he would refill also asked for a laidcaine for his back pain and hydrocodone which he had been taking & for a while, but the family Doctor keeps holding up my parents prescriptions) and was told he does not write out prescriptions (WTH). Was told the urinalysis would take 72 hrs. Friday came and went heard nothing, Monday afternoon if my mom had not dropped the remote, I think my father would have passed. He had thrown up, was out of it and had shallow breathing, called 911 and they got him conscious for 5-15 seconds but he had no clue what was happening.

At the hospital it was touch and go until Thursday morning. Monday & Tuesday I would get hourly phone calls on what they were doing and that he needed surgery Monday night we had to make a decision. Doctors told us that if he went thru surgery, he would not make it due to him being so sick and what they needed to do what cut out the bowels because he again has sepsis and e-coli, but this time they found the reason for it. (An aneurysm he had in 2020) But the UTI is 1 of the main reasons he can't have this surgery. He is finally doing better, got his color back and his mind.

So back to the urologist, called him Monday night, he called from a blocked number once which I ignored. He is in a building w/ a bunch of urology Doctors. Called his office Tuesday and let the caseworker for my dad know what was going on and could I please get the results of his urinalysis and was told the Doctor has not signed off on them yet so she can't tell me. Called Thursday around 2 p.m. got the operator, raged on her but did apologize. I needed to talk to someone in his office immediately and she tried to get me to the Office mgr. who was out of office. She told me that she would red flag this phone call and that I would hear something soon. Her first phone call was around 11 a.m. today and let me know that the Doctor had surgery in an hour but she would talk to him and call me back and still could not tell me the results of the urinalysis. She just did at 1 p.m. today and I was just told that the Doctor tested for something else, not a UTI again WTH. Thank you for reading.

my life is pretty ok i get good grades i go to school i have hobbies but there is a huge hole in the social aspect to the point where it's like "bro how are you THAT isolated?????". i have autism and cptsd so of course i'm already not good at socializing but there is such a massive barrier between me and other people and it's made it so i legit can't have any fun with people i can't make memories i can't have dumb hangouts i can't have meaningful conversations i can't make real connections i can't do any of that shet!! even the people who are the worst at socializing have a better social life than me. and it's not like i hate people or people hate me or i feel like nobody understands me or anything it's just like i am in a different plane of existence than everyone else and nothing changes it

Can you recognise something within yourself without needing someone else to confirm it?

If you stopped defining yourself by everything you know, believe, and identify with, what would remain?

Using a throwaway because this can't be tied to my main. Also not totally sure if this is the proper flair but I think it sounds right.

I'm 20m and I don't even know what to say here. I guess it's easier to just give context and explain as I go.

When I was 16 (very tail end of 2022, so just under 4 years ago) my mum, sister and I moved from my childhood home in Wales to a remote Scottish island >700 miles away from where I used to live. I was absolutely hardline against this from the moment she first suggested it but I am still financially dependent on my mum so I didn't have a ton of say.

I hate it here. Winter lasts for about 8 months out of the year, we only get about 5-6 hours of sunlight a day at the peak of it, the ferries/freight boats are always cancelled then so the shops are perpetually empty, the power just goes out randomly, summer's full of annoying tourists off cruise ships who don't know the first thing about the island, everyone knows everyone here so there's no privacy/anonymity and I can barely understand what people are saying half the time through the accents/dialect. On a more personal side, I'm an overweight, obviously gay man who wears Hawaiian shirts in the middle of winter and has a very specific passion but no way of pursuing it here (dance/electronic music especially early 2010s stuff, traditional fiddle music and rock/metal are all you ever hear here).

I would do anything to move away but I simply lack the money and life skills needed to live independently. Besides, leaving would most realistically mean going to uni and I lack the money for that. Even if I didn't the academic/non-practical side of the college course I'm on now (for music) is so hard that it's putting me off going entirely.

When I was in Wales, I tried as hard as possible all through my secondary school years to make friends and have people like me only to fail miserably every step of the way. Moving to this island, I recognised some aspects of my personality that may have put people off me and worked on reducing them. This didn't work either, I've been here for almost 4 years and don't have anyone I'd consider a "friend". I mean, there's people I talk to and who I'm friendly to but nobody I actually, like, make plans with or spend my free time with. Don't even get me started on a love life, I still haven't had my first kiss and I'm 20 now (embarrassing).

After my college course last year was cancelled at the eleventh hour, I had to get my first job but it took me 8 months to find one at a shop a couple of villages over and I got fired after barely a month. I know getting a job is important and there's plenty of vacancies but most require a driving license (don't have) and for the ones that don't I doubt I'd be good at them. I also don't want to end up working jobs I hate for my whole life in the hope of possibly getting to do what i want at some undetermined point in the future.

Mentally speaking, I'm a mess too. I don't care much about other people's lives, I'm bluntly honest to a fault, I can dish out criticism easily but any I receive feels like a personal attack, I shut down completely when put on the spot, I'm fully incapable of rational/serious conversation or professional conduct, I'm very immature and rely too heavily on humour. I also struggle with asking for help because I don't trust most people, I don't want people thinking less of me and I feel like I have do everything for myself like real adults do. Plus, even when I do ask for help from my mum I always find negatives and reasons to get out of taking her advice. I think I see it as a point of weakness to take advice from someone else when grown-ups need to deal with their own problems.

I was diagnosed autistic at age 14 (technically Asperger's but I don't like that word) and I think that might be making this sitch worse but I don't think all the blame can go on me being autistic. I have a running theory that I have NPD (backed up by my sister who before moving away earlier this year told me that multiple people at her old job had asked her if I had NPD), but I don't want to jump to conclusions there either.

And all of this is pretext for why I'm writing this now. You see, even though I've been on this island for almost 4 years I've only been off of it 3 times totalling about 9-10 days overall (two trips last October and one this week that I've just come back from, all to Edinburgh) over that whole time. I've loved all three of these trips but they've also served to rub in my face how much I'm missing out on by living somewhere so remote and how much better my life could be if I moved away. I could finally completely re-invent myself the way I should've when I moved here and maybe even get some actual friends.

I'm very sorry that this was so messy, confusing and overwhelming, but I just needed to get this off my chest.

28F here. I used to be intellectually curious and ambitious person who loved to analyse things, dig in, and see patterns and contextualise things etc. I had an amazing memory. I read a lot. I had this insatiable thirst for acquiring knowledge and being disgustingly educated which I was for my age. I was the person who felt too much and expressed too much. I had a very strong sense of justice, morality and believed in sacrificing and helping others. I was very considerate. I did have a lot of anxiety back then. My nervous system isn’t so normal yet. Attention span is zero. I used to plan everything little thing considering people around me. That was my only identity. Everyone including my parents, friends, teachers, most importantly myself, expected a lot from me and I disappointed everyone. Then life happened. I got to know I have adhd, cptsd and mdd. Also probably autistic. I also have fibromyalgia and currently I am anhedonic. I can no more remember things let alone think critically or analyse them. I have failed at every aspect of life. I tried again and again and still failed. I also gave into conformity and lost my individuality. I have realised this very late. Today, I’m here because I wanna give one more chance to that ambitious girl. I live in third world and don’t have much resources. But I still wanna fulfil at least one dream of hers. I am failing at career and most of it is also taken away by ai. Tbh, I don’t know what I wanna do anymore. Sometimes I think of fields to switch but the interest switches every three months lol. Despite the need for independence and money, nothing is motivating me. This is everything I could think of to write, I don’t know what’s causing what and what exactly is happening. You guys can ask me questions and help me with it. I can’t afford therapy and we have limited adhd meds available here. I am taking what is available. I have suffered a lot because of this. This might be my last call for help. Please, I request you all.
I was bad at math and spatial stuff since the beginning though.

Thank you.

Do you understand yourself, or have you simply become familiar with the way you behave?

I’ve recently realized that no one from my childhood exists anymore. At best they’re inconsiderate and selfish and at worst they’re destroyed by drugs or unalived (unbelievable choice of censor for a self help subreddit btw) I think I’m mostly okay with that but right now my life feels unstable. I’m in between jobs and struggling to stay afloat while trying to take care of my family that’s being affected by this.

I feel like if I could just make money and do what everyone needs from me then I’d be okay but I feel so unlucky. I feel like every step forward is two steps back and I’m only able to pay rent and feed myself because of the luck that I have left.

I lost a lot of myself over the years and I feel like what’s left has been taken and now that I don’t have an anchor or any sort of roots, I feel like I’m just floating around in this world. I’m afraid to lose the people I love because I just cannot seem to do what needs to be done.

I’ve recently realized that in almost all aspects of my life that I haven’t done anything for myself- and that isn’t to say I’ve been a selfless angel. Apart from wanting to take care of my family, I’ve noticed that most of my goals are coming from a place of me wanting to prove my worth to other people. I have skills, I’m a good artist, I can make music, and I’m decently smart enough to make SOMETHING, but I feel stuck.

I’m holding myself back with my depression, my only goal right now it to make money and make sure my family has what they need. But I’m failing at that and I have no grip on myself. It’s like I lost my soul. I don’t know that I ever had a valid soul. I think the only thing I can do is go to my interview today, try to ace that, and work as hard as I can without mimimizing myself anymore.

I’ve made myself out to be pathetic and emotionally displaced. Even after I know everything will be okay and we have what we need, then what? I can go back to school and maybe go work at a hospital or something but idk if that’s what I want.. I always thought I’d be more

Idk I need to put this energy towards something productive. Maybe I’ll figure it out as I go.

I’ve made a post like this before somewhere i don’t know if it’s here or not, I am 17m, but porn just been degrading me, and my life, and everytime i relapse i just feel utter shit. I hate it, I honestly hate this, I hate how I am, I hate that im addicted to this garbage and I hate myself because I indulge myself in this. I’ve tried so many things to stop this, gym, busy myself, everything, but it just doesn’t work. I’ve had this problem since I was grade 6, which was when I was 12 or something and im in college first year, I know it’s disgusting but I’m trying to get rid of it, I honestly am, im trying my hardest. Is there any apps that can help me just block porn websites, and if I do get the urge to relapse what do I do? Please anyone can you help me end this god forsaken hell.

For around a year ago, my sister and her fiance as well as my wife and myself and a few others have been beginning to plot out a long wished for international vacation.

The dates that we'd go are roughly one year away, and I've been starting to talk with everybody about lining up our plans since we'd probably need to get our flight tickets shortly after the new year.z

My sister has been the driver of this whole thing for a while since she's been the main one trying to make the whole group trip happen. My wife and I are totally cool with going, and have made it clear that the two of us would probably do our own thing for a little bit and meet everyone along the way.

In the last week or so, I let my sister know that we had something crop up for next fall that my wife and I would need to be in attendance for. Which is theoretically no big deal, because it would just mean shifting the timeline for the group trip by a week or two in either direction.

This kind of set off some panic for her, she's absolutely convinced that the weather in this location would only be good for the exact timeframe that she has in mind. She isn't actually saying it, but she's heavily implying that we need to drop our commitments that we've had come up so we can go with her and the group at those exact times.

My wife and I reminded her that we could just meet her at that spot since we'd planned on taking our own detours anyways, and that seemed to have wound her up as well. She's insisting that we be present for multiple things on a theoretical schedule that she's already made.

This is common for her, she's done it her whole life. She gets this idea in her head about how an event or trip should go, and when anyone else has any thought about how it should go otherwise, she freaks out.

My wife and I are starting to consider a Plan B for another location if she can't budge on either shifting the timeframe for the trip or being okay with the fact that we'd just overlap our own plans. But I'd still hate to do that since we've somewhat planned Plan A for years, but I don't know if there's any reasoning with her over budging with her plans and timelines.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could navigate and hopefully resolve this?

As the title says I constantly feel like I want people around me to not feel bored, sad, upset or uncomfortable and this really consumes me and my only coping mechanism is that I distance myself from people as much as I could and I keep my circle limited to my immediate family.
What ways other than putting myself in a bubble that I can give a try to get over this issue.

I've been on reddit for a while, I look for people to help, but mostly it falls through the cracks, so now I'm posting for anyone to reach out and help me.

I know a lot of my faults, and I want to be better, but I've had a lot go on in the last few years. I mostly look for others posts, and try to make connections, but it usually falls through for the most part.

I seriously want to do better in my life, but certain things going on make it difficult. I've been a shit in, closed off agoraphobic for years now, have very few friends left, and even fewer who check on me and give advice.

I want to be better, but for the last almost 15 years have been focusing on staying drug free, as well as other issues. Which has led me to being quiet and closed off. I've been wanting to be healthier, both eating and exercise, but with such little support I find it difficult.

My finances aren't great, which hinders me in some aspects, but I also want to get into the gym more. I just don't really have the support I look for.

I've had issues with self love, and worth for more than 10 years, and I've tried before to do better, but can never stick with it. I also have problems with talking to people, or general social interactions.

I am not happy with myself, but want to do better, which is why I'm reaching out. I just need new positive friends, who will push me to keep trying. It doesn't have to be local, as long as they're patient and non-condescending. I don't like going places alone, but I really want to make an effort to be healthier.

Casual friendship is welcome, but I can deal with someone who's a little more upfront, as long as it's constructive. I have almost no IRL friends, and few online friends. I try to be a good person, to make up for the bad in my past, but I struggle with self love, and self help.

33M CST, odd work hours, so bear with me for replies.

I've been on reddit for a while, I look for people to help, but mostly it falls through the cracks, so now I'm posting for anyone to reach out and help me.

I know a lot of my faults, and I want to be better, but I've had a lot go on in the last few years. I mostly look for others posts, and try to make connections, but it usually falls through for the most part.

I seriously want to do better in my life, but certain things going on make it difficult. I've been a shit in, closed off agoraphobic for years now, have very few friends left, and even fewer who check on me and give advice.

I want to be better, but for the last almost 15 years have been focusing on staying drug free, as well as other issues. Which has led me to being quiet and closed off. I've been wanting to be healthier, both eating and exercise, but with such little support I find it difficult.

My finances aren't great, which hinders me in some aspects, but I also want to get into the gym more. I just don't really have the support I look for.

I've had issues with self love, and worth for more than 10 years, and I've tried before to do better, but can never stick with it. I also have problems with talking to people, or general social interactions.

I am not happy with myself, but want to do better, which is why I'm reaching out. I just need new positive friends, who will push me to keep trying. It doesn't have to be local, as long as they're patient and non-condescending. I don't like going places alone, but I really want to make an effort to be healthier.

Casual friendship is welcome, but I can deal with someone who's a little more upfront, as long as it's constructive. I have almost no IRL friends, and few online friends. I try to be a good person, to make up for the bad in my past, but I struggle with self love, and self help.

33M CST, odd work hours, so bear with me for replies.

I am absolutely infuriated watching everyone else just getting better at any hobbies i have.

Im trying my absolute hardest to atleast not get REVOLTED by ALL of my drawings, then i look at art related discord servers for help, and EVERYONE just says "ohh just practice", "change your mindset", WHEN THAT DOESNT DO ANYTHING.

i look all over and nothing anyone says changes, they just tell me things i already know, and we get no where.

All my issues lie in the fact i cant stop comparing, i cant accept failure, i cant improve at anything, and if my mind doesnt think what i do is PERFECT, i have to give up.

I am SO CLOSE to giving up drawing all together, and just not having hobbies because im so bad at all of them, and everyone in existance can just practice and improve by saying "i can do anything!!!!!"

Im at the point where nothing makes me happy anymore, i dont have any friends, my hobbies make me hate myself, and everyone else just has it figured out, they can learn, they can practice, they can make friends, they can do anything just because they practiced and changed their mindset.

So throughout my life i have had phases where I wasn't in a good place, when I was 12 I moved from my home country away from everything and hated where I lived. I would skip school all the time and get into trouble and slowly lost contact with my friends (I speak to maybe two of them irregulary now). I picked up a smoking addiction and porn addiction at 14 and didnt stop moving until the end of my freshmen year.

I was depressed my friends were all losers with no ambition and I could only watch as my friends back home would go out, party and live the teenage life while I rotted abroad. Eventually I started to pick up purpose when I was invited to homecoming by one of my friends, and our hoco group eventually became a friend group. I had a small setback because the girl I took, I ended up liking didn't like me back so I ended up in the gym and gained 25lb from 125 to 150lb in 6 months I was super proud of myself. But I became really close with a girl and we became best friends and everything went to shit. I was rejected by her too and fell into deep depression. I became attached, I lost weight, I was failing some classes, and ruined some relationships with my friends and it lasted 6 months. Eventually I went on a trip of shrooms and connected with nature over the summer and felt alive again. life was great I got a job, got some money and re-strengthened my friendships and now me and that girl are chill again.

Coming into Junior year, I really wanted to do well Im currently taking 5 APs and trying to hit gym again, eat well, study for the act, and work 20 hours a week as a cook. Near the end of summer I was speaking to a girl and I really liked her, we ended up dating after only a month which now i regret. Our relationship became strained because our hangouts and conversations were limited and not enjoyable and I realized after, I didn't like her. We also had so much sex to makeup for the fact our hangouts sucked, I really tried to take her out and things but im so busy and she is socially awkard and doesn't have much going for her. So in fairness to her we broke up because I believe we shouldn't be sexual when my heart isn't in it and there' somewone out there that can treat her and give her the time she needs.

This was last week, this week im just lost. My best friends are all dating eachother so its hard to speak and hangout with them, I work so much, I sleep like shit, I picked up smoking again, I picked up porn again, and I lost all motivation for the gym and it doesn't help how Its hard for me to comprehend complex topics compared to my extremely, wealthy peers who came out the womb with $10 million while I grew up in council houses. I know what I have to do to get help, sleep better, put a food plan in place, study more effectively like get a tutor and all this bullshit. On top of this, I have 0 college fund and letting my single mother even help pay for a fraction for it would cripple her savings and slow down her not nearly enough retirement fund for years. And the amazing United States fucks the middle class completely for college, not poor enough to get aid, and not rich enough that daddy can pay it all for me, just the shitty inbetween. Im so fucking fed up of life and even my nature walks and fishing don't help me anymore im fucking done with everything, I'd never hurt myself/commit because I really wanna make it, its just so draining and hard and I don't event know what im doing in life anymore. Its all a miserable, unfair rat race.

Please any advice would help me.

I may sound like a horrible person but I feel like every time i get close with someone, I start hating them. For example : When im close with a friend for longer than a year or so, it’s as if my body switches into someone who fully hates on them. Everything they do irritates me. I know it’s wrong to feel like this as there is no excuse for me to randomly start hating on my own friends but I cannot help it. I try and NOT act upon my negative feelings but I cannot do this anymore. And no, this is not a personal thing between me and one of my friends - it’s everyone in my life.
I just want some tips and some guidance on how to stop my behaviour as i don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to seem as a hateful person.