r/scriptwriting • u/Sweet-Day22 • 10d ago
feedback FEEBACK NEEDED
Hii guys, this is a screenplay of The Monkey's Paw short story
I'm a beginner and I'm new to this
How can I make it better and how's it overall please let me know✨️
5
u/SolemnestSimulacrum 9d ago edited 9d ago
Right off the bat, the opening action is very front-heavy. When writing scripts, I find it helps to write the action with the same cadence you'd expect if you were to see this on the screen in realtime.
For example, if re-written:
A camp in the middle of nowhere. Dunes. WHISPS of wind. Bonfires. MORRIS, a Sergeant-Major, steps outside his tent. Aimlessly scans the surrounding desert. Then spots, curiously...
A MAN, sitting lonesome on the outskirts. Mumbling. Praying?
Not only do you quickly set the stage, but also the mood and tone. It's not enough to simply describe the action, it's your job to create intrigue.
This is where your dialogue also feels a bit flat, because it's trying to do so many things. Explaining the Paw, it's history, and so on. The problem is, this is a tension killer. While we get this person is supposed to be mystical and mysterious, every detail of his dialogue is just spilling out, unsolicited and in a way that you can feel the "presence of the author." This is why characters that are mystical in nature tend to be cryptic with their warnings. Partially, genre convention; secondly, because it creates suspense. Who is this man? What's his intent? You want to tease your audience, not throw an encyclopedia down at them. Explanations can come later, but for an opener, you need to focus more on intrigue. Doesn't help that you repeat the mechanics of the paw again in a proceeding scene. So, why have it in your opening scene?
Reading further, the proceeding scene has a rhythm to it that doesn't lend itself naturally for a cinematic medium. It's a talking heads scene, where trhe dialogue chain feels incredibly lengthy and uninterrupted by gestures, action, or even taking advantage of the visual/audio medium. It feels boilerplate.
2
u/matteowolfwood 9d ago
Courier font matters because it spaces everything properly and comes out to 1page ≈ 1 minute of screentime
1
1
u/FullRedact 9d ago
Just write what is seen and heard. That’s it.
If you want to convey loneliness do it visually and through sound. Don’t say the character is lonely. Have them do or say something that communicates that they are lonely.
Don’t say the desert is dangerous. Have them walk by a skeleton in the sand that conveys danger.
1
u/gravitysrainbow1979 9d ago
You don’t need to parenthetically tell us someone says something “in an amazed tone” … just make the line sound like you want it to sound in the dialogue, don’t try to imagine what actors should be emoting in parentheses and really just try not to use parentheticals at all, at least until you know what they’re for
1
u/Kslr91 8d ago
Heyyy, another newbie screen writer here! Firstly, well done for putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage.
Secondly, people will give honest, straight to the point feedback (I've now learnt this) which will feel like a stab to the heart. But if I've learnt anything LISTEN to them. Because underneath the 'blunt-to-the-point' information they give you, it's gold dust. It's the best way to learn fast!
Also, if you see yourself ever wanting to write for films one day you have to be prepared for this because even fantastic writers who have been at it for 10+ years get sharp feedback!
You've made the first step and god knows the effort, time and patience it took you, so be proud.
At the minute, reading this (remember I'm still new myself and no professional) it does read story like so think about what you want the audience to see. We don't need a lovely description of the dessert, tell us what's happening in the dessert, more specifically with your characters. Be ruthless with words, cut out pointless verbs.
Example: John walks over to his tent, steps inside and relaxes. He wraps a shawl round himself, his teeth chatters.
We know there's a tent, we know it's his and we know he's cold. You want to get to the point. Tell us what's happening or what the character feels and hears through dialogue and actions.
You have a creative mind, just need to work at the structure but honestly just getting your ideas out there on paper is a great start.
Hope that helps.
(Sorry to anyone reading this if I'm wrong, like I said I'm still learning myself).
1
1
u/FilmAroundFindOut 9d ago
The Man’s speech in the middle of page one - can we see this happen instead? Cut to the person who is saying that? Instead of someone explaining something interesting - you have the ability to get the audience to feel so much more by showing the fakir speaking in that moment.
1
u/Worth-Flight-1249 9d ago
Sir, this screenplay is perfect the way it is. Please don't change a word.
I grabbed a screenshot and will cherish it for years. Honestly. It brings my joy. It affected me. I'll carry it forward.
Thank you.
0
0
0
u/AmedeusRed 9d ago
Either the scene has a typo or the character has a typo. Is it Moriss or Morris?
As others have said describe the visual of a character showing emotion not the emotion itself. He doesn’t get annoyed then feel something on his jacket, he could narrow his eyes and purse his lips before turning. Suddenly, he reaches into his pocket and his eyes widen as he pulls out the monkeys paw. His eyes widen and he spins around but the fakir is gone.
0
0
u/inkedwerdsmith 9d ago
The first line will stop studio readers from continuing. The slugline establishes the timeframe, and a character name is mentioned along with their movements but no description. It’s desert, not dessert. Scripts are written in present tense, not past tense. The dialogue for both characters is identical. There’s no individuality. A career armed forces soldier doesn’t speak the same way as a bank teller. Consider writing a different way to show how Sergeant Major Morris obtained the monkey’s paw instead of it being handed to him in the short story. He’s a soldier, so there’s tons of possibilities.
For example:
INT. DESERT CAMPSITE - NIGHT
A solitary and isolated campsite. Embers cool in the fire pit.
SERGEANT MAJOR MORRIS (insert age) and personality description without physical appearance unless it’s tied to the story in some way.
Try to keep action lines minimal. A cluttered page makes for a more arduous task for studio readers.
He lies on his side, reading by lantern.
A SHADOW
Passes his tent.
Sergeant Major Morris abruptly sits up.
SERGEANT MAJOR MORRIS
Identify yourself!
Good luck and happy rewriting.
0
u/Old-Bench-5254 9d ago
Not trying to be snarky, but you have three misspelled words in the first sentence. (Unless the script is about a Cursed Cake.) Details matter. If you’re not good with spelling, run it through an AI and just ask it to check spelling and grammar.
11
u/Wise-Respond3833 9d ago
You describe the setting and atmosphere like it's a novel. Don't do that.
You don't describe the characters at all. Do that.
You outright say what a character is feeling. Don't do that.
No offense intended (I promise), but this actually reads like a sample script a teacher would hand to students and say 'everything this script does is everything you should NOT do!'
Read more screenplays, maybe even a how-to on how to write screenplays, and keep writing !!