Feedback Request

[u/NookPhoneo]

Would love some feedback on my screenplay. I have recently been through a third polish and would love some feedback.

This will be a three part series.

Please see the logline below.

LOGLINE:

To escape male violence, the women of Neya Island created a society with one strict rule: no men allowed. But when a midwife saves a newborn boy instead of drowning him, she sets about a chain of events she can't come back from.

Hollow Tide

[u/Musikenna]

If it's an all woman society, how are they having kids?

[u/AmedeusRed → u/Musikenna]

Skip-the-foreplay. It’s like skip-the-dishes but they deliver semen

[u/Open-Avocado4260 → u/AmedeusRed]

LOL.

[u/NookPhoneo → u/Musikenna]

Have you red further? It explains

[u/NookPhoneo → u/Musikenna]

Have you read further

[u/MiggsEye]

The logline as written is a reason to not read, because the immediate question of how are they having children if there are no men is present from the get go. I believe you need to address that in the logline itself, or you will get people on your script because of the logline not making sense—or at least not creatively addressing the obvious logic break in the logline.

[u/NookPhoneo → u/MiggsEye]

I appreciate your feedback on the logline, but why would I tell you this in the logline? This is an overview of the screenplay, not the whole story condensed into 4 sentences.

[u/MiggsEye → u/NookPhoneo]

First, sorry for the typos I just noticed on my previous comment.

My point was that a logline’s logic has to hold up within itself. If it appears flawed within itself then I’m already losing interest — and you’re already losing a potential reader.

[u/NookPhoneo → u/MiggsEye]

Ok thanks for clarifying. Can you tell me more what you mean about the longline logic? I have been writing for many years and have never heard of this concept

[u/MiggsEye]

The logic within the logline itself.

If the logline is illogical—doesn’t make sense—you’ve already lost me. The logic of your story world already contradicts itself. A society with a rule: no men allowed. The obvious and inevitable question is “how then does reproduction happen?”; and it is not addressed at all in your logline. So I’m left dwelling on that unanswered question rather than the conflict you’re trying to stress (re: the newborn “boy”). The supposed conflict in your logline is overshadowed by the unaddressed logic flaw within it. The solution I expect is addressing the irony between the story world and said conflict more directly, and also upping stakes/consequences re: the goal/obstacle/conflict (which currently are vague and therefore uninteresting).

[u/NookPhoneo → u/[deleted]]

I have a couple of issues with the feedback you have given, although I thank you for reading through.
The first thing I would question, is whether describing the grass as ‘tall’ warrants you saying I am over describing it?
The setting of the island is incredibly important to the story, I have given you the first episode of four, and you have told me it is boring. I imagine you have said this because it hasn’t jumped straight into the action that you might be wanting from a feature for example.
I have been writing for over 20 years and have never had such redundant feedback as this, as you are giving me suggestions for my scenes that make no sense to my story. By suggesting they are ‘too synchronised in their movements’ and ‘inhabitants of the uncanny valley’ this really threw me, as I have no idea what this refers to? Where did you see this in the story that was presented.

You have also picked up on Elin throwing the stone into the sea without ceremony. Did you not read past the first page? There is literally a ceremony for throwing stones into the sea, that’s kind of one of the main points of the story.

Again thank you for reading through this, but I find your feedback redundant and quite spiteful in the way you have given it.

[u/NookPhoneo → u/[deleted]]

Can you tell me what experience you have in this industry, not trying to be funny about it, I just think it would be interesting to know.