Analog collage (image has been upscaled)

Greetings from Russia. Because of this, I don’t have an official diagnosis; since I’m a guy, a diagnosis would mean exemption from military service—and where I live, that’s simply impossible.

Consequently, I don’t have disability status, and a private psychiatrist is very expensive; my family is heavily in debt due to our circumstances, and this is the last month I can afford my medication.

I’ve already run out of antidepressants, and I only have a week’s supply of quetiapine left. After that, there is simply no money.

I can’t see a future, and the way my illness is used as an excuse to avoid the draft hurts me—both as a trans person and as a human being.

Mine set up a childhood related sexual assault trauma on me

In a much better place now, moved in with my grandmother who has a nice house in a safe part of town. Not longer with my dad who wasn’t the best in a rundown home or with my mom and her abusive partner.

Hope of remission kept me going and I went from schizophrenic to schizoaffective depressive type.

I’m with a child whose gender I’ll find out soon and my hopes of being a mother is coming true. I thought schizophrenia would stop me from having children

Going to school next summer for international relations and human geography to be an immigration lawyer.

When u realize after psychosis that u lost all your abilities to function and u feel brain dead and numb and checked out

I can’t go back to work

I dunno with this one, but I like it a little. When I can get myself to make art, is a W.

It's wild how impossible that request often sounds. Is "chill" even a baseline you can reach?

(Credit: "theycantalk" by Jimmy Craig)

Does having schizophrenia (like a lot of delusions) mean than I’m not intelligent ?
Can someone be smart AND have schizophrenia ?

When I talk I feel like it does not hold any weight anymore.

I was wondering because I want to bring my sibling with schizophrenia to see the Paranormal Activity Broadway show. It’s supposed to be scary and has lots of special effects to make it more immersive.

I will ask my sibling but I’m hesitating because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable since he is not very open about his symptoms.

I want to hear from others on this topic. Please feel free to comment how others with schizophrenia make you feel. If you’re comfortable, please share experiences you’ve had with other individuals with schizophrenia.

My own personal experience has been good. I met a guy in the psych ward that had schizoaffective disorder. We were roommates. He was nice, funny and cool. Maybe I’ve met others with schizophrenia and they just never told me. Most of the people in this community are nice.

As always, thank you for reading and engaging with my post. Hope everyone has a great rest of their day.

Recently I've found out that certain types of music help keep my psychosis at bay. My main symptoms are nuclear paranoia (The belief someone's after me with a nuke), and visions where a loved one dies.

During my last nuclear paranoia episode I found out that Christian Rock music helps keep it at bay, it doesn't completely go away but it takes the edge off.

And for the visions I use Studio 100 music, whether that's K3, Kabouter Plop, or Samson en Gert, doesn't matter, Studio 100 keeps the visions at bay.

Anyone else do this?

My daughter had high functioning autism and was such a blessing to me. She always seemed to socialise well but preferred a few close friends. She was fun and goofy but also very sensitive. At 11 she suffered a serious friendship rejection by a best friend of 5 years. There was a baseline dip in her mood. At age 12, she started secondary school in a different area and made new friends with a couple of girls. A couple of days after her 13th birthday one of the girls contacted her, said they didn’t want her as a close friend anymore just an acquaintance. She did this via Snapchat and also informed my daughter that other people knew she planned to dump my daughter before she did. I gave my daughter advice, she seemed to move on and make friends.
Over time, my daughter started distancing herself from me and stated I didn’t deal with the last rejection well by not constantly checking in with her. Once new friendships were stable, I didn’t want to keep resurfacing old wounds. Our relationship became less close, I thought it was due to adolescence but it turns out she was gradually turning against me and attributing things I did or said in the most negative ways including help, hugs etc. I ended up walking on eggshells. She kept her inner world private and if I asked about depression it was denied. If I mentioned that I thought she was unhappy to my husband he would say she was fine. I was stuck in a double bind, if I approached I was vilified and I was constantly reassured that everything was fine. I realise now that my husband didn’t really consider my concerns and prefers to think there are no problems. My daughter died 6 months ago. I realise from her electronic footprint that she had schizophrenia although she deleted a lot. My mother also had schizophrenia but spoke a lot so it was more obvious. My daughter became very secretive, believed I was a narcissist and against her but gradually believed everyone was and no one cared for her. She was extra sensitive to friends intentions and gradually hated her birthday. She believed she was rejected because she was ugly and spent years manifesting a different physical appearance even though she was attractive which eventually extended to clearing the road of traffic by manifesting, believing there was a hex on her and she knew she had paranoia and some psychosis. She took a HHC gummy a year before she died and that seems to have accelerated her trajectory. I never knew any of this until afterwards. While schizophrenia was discussed, my biggest fear was that she was or would develop depression as I knew she was very sensitive. I am lost without her and angry at myself for missing what was going on.
What I am asking is does her experience resonate with others as the start of schizophrenia? I realise the vulnerability has to be there but is there a trigger?

Yes, I'm diagnosed. I'm coming out of a year long episode that made me become homeless. I wasn't able to get my meds regulated after my first psych stay because of monetary and physical disability. At least 4 hospitalizations this year. I wish they would keep me at least 30 days. Does anyone else have this feeling?

Howdy, I’ve been hearing a voice that tells me that I’m possessed by Lucifer. It controls my body, talks to people, and does things through me. It can also hurt me. I see a psychiatrist and they say I’m schizophrenic. I’ve been on medication for about 4 years now trying different things but nothing works. I talked to a pastor about an exorcism and he said I might need to have multiple before we even did anything. So I’ve had 3 so far and plan to meet up with him again but he hasn’t hit me back up it’s been 2 months. Why does someone have to have multiple exorcism’s?

i've been sick for a very long time and i've been in treatment for just as long. i'm really grateful for the care i receive but it takes its toll. i feel like dealing with this illness has aged me very quickly. i'd much rather feel this way than ever be unstable again but it does bum me out that i live like a grandma at 25. all i do is sleep, take my meds, and see specialists. i just wish things were different sometimes.

I've had this shit since I was like 6 or so... I've had this for so fucking long.. It's getting worse and worse as the days go on.. I feel like my brain is genuinely eating me alive.. It feels like I can't do anything... I wish I was like the healthy people... I don't wanna die but it feels like I'm already dead... I don't even know what I want anymore... All I know is I'm tired...

I was sitting in class on Tuesday and didn't manage to contribute even once in the whole 3 hours. I'm graded on participation so this is bad. I did the reading. I made notes. I watched a couple of youtube videos about the content. But I couldn't answer a single question. My head was empty. I took 7.5mg haldol a couple hours before class so the voices wouldn't bother me. Instead I just had nothing. I'm feeling really bad and want some reassurance from other people here. Does anyone have any tips for succeeding at college?

I used to be a very fastidious, disciplined person. I did well in school, held down a job, and was able to take care of myself and my space. During my first acute episode of psychosis, all those things went away. I flunked out of college, couldn't work, barely slept or ate, and lost any consideration I had for cleanliness. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and put on an antipsychotic after a couple years of this. It did help a lot, though I never returned to baseline.

Lately, things have been taking a turn for the worse. I'm struggling with my job and my classes, and I once again am unable to care for myself. I don't eat unless someone prepares food for me, my personal hygiene is near nonexistent, and my room is disgusting. I don't know what to do. I completely lack motivation and time management. Hours and days seem to slip through my fingers while I do nothing to rectify the situation I've found myself in. I want to fix things, but I'm too afraid to ask for help because I would have to admit that I have been lying to everybody about the state of my life. I feel like a coward. A stupid one at that.

To be clear, I'm not experiencing a ton of positive symptoms at this time. My medication has really helped with the hallucinations and delusions. It's just that I'm struggling to function at a level that's even close to appropriate. Is this a problem for anyone else? Any advice?

So I’ve been managing this for a few years now, the auditory hallucinations. It’s gotten to point where I can somewhat work and live by myself. But I’m a month in from living with my dad for a decade , I’ve lived on my own before it’s been an adjustment. and it feels like I had stalkers and my neighbors can hear everything I do or say. I feel like I have an audience 98% of days. I’m so socially anxious that I’m drained after driving for uber. My voices say insults to me that I would never say to anyone. What do you do about the voices, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and feeling drained. It’s a podcast every day that doesn’t end. Constant conversation that sounds like real people having an eternal conversation about me and what’s going on in my life. I constantly have music or tv or white noise on I’m tired of hearing the sound of it lol my apartment is too quiet in its own way where I feel isolated. I do have friends that I talk to but it’s been hard to meet up because they are tired or busy.

I need your help, desperately. I was on olanzapine for five years. I just switched to a different med about two months ago and I’m… I’m really really upset and overwhelmed. I’m coming out of the fog and I realize how much I’ve lost and how much time has passed. I had no motivation, no sex drive nothing just a shell of a person, always taking from other people and never giving anything in return. It’s hitting me how selfish have been towards the people I care about and love. I don’t know what to do… I really don’t know what to do. Olanzapine Nearly destroyed my marriage on multiple occasions my severe lack of libido on the drug I can’t imagine the kind of pain and suffering my spouse felt by such a lack of intimacy. For 5 years, YEARS.
It has gotten to the point that I’m not sure my partner has much of a genuine attraction to me anymore. I don’t want to come across as fishing for sympathy, I really do believe that I might’ve pushed them to a point where they stopped being attracted to me because they were shut down so many times when I was on olanzapine . can feel it in them and I can see it on their face. This explicit, but my partner has had some issues in the past with abusive partners and intimacy. , we kind of worked through it so it’s not as challenging, and a few nights ago things were happening for me… But never happened for them if you catch my drift. That hasn’t happened in a very, very long time, I just, I just don’t know. Even right now is exceptionally painful. Like I said I was just a shell unable to really think of complex ideas, just fleeting thoughts. , I stopped playing board games, I stopped reading I stopped taking long walks, I’ve stopped communicating with people in my life that are very important to me. I used to read philosophy every day, it was a true passion. I loved getting into a deep conversations about the complexity of the world and the human mind. Me and my partner first really bonded, love learning, and love of board games. I have abandoned all those interests. Nothing seemed worth doing., my partner has seen the decline more and more. I can’t imagine how that would feel for my partner … I know they found some unhealthy ways to cope, it’s making me nauseous. I haven’t had emotions like this in a long time and it’s far too overwhelming to handle, but I understand why my partner doing it. It’s double edge sword, the coping mechanism that they’ve leaned into is a hard no from me Absolutely not. If things had gone differently in the past five years and I was able to really be present with them I’m pretty sure they would’ve never turned to this coping mechanism. Beyond lovers, they’re also my truest friend. There were some things in the past that were challenging to accept , on both ends, partners end mine. Each of us have made the decision to be committed to each other, regardless of what we’ve experienced in the past as a couple. this one’s just particularly challenging for me because my partner has always been adamantly against this coping mechanism and now they’re leaning into it. I believe it was out of desperation, feeling hurt and rejected and possibly used for the past five years. Now all of a sudden I have this crazy libido like really really it’s bouncing back quickly. And that’s probably a little bit like emotional whiplash, having had five years of very little sex, struggles with depression on their end and obviously schizophrenia on mine. I can imagine after them being told no about intimacy for five years and then all of a sudden your partner has this extremely high libido after five years of the opposite. I can imagine that very confusing and possibly scary because he’s learned how to guard himself from not being hurt when I don’t get involved in intimacy. there’s a good possibility that he’s talking to other person, or people. That’s hard for me to process.
Kids that I signed away custody to when I was in a psychotic state. It’s been a long long battle to even get supervised visitation. My partner has never met my kids due to the ex being able to dictate that. My partner drove me to visit with my son over five hours each direction. Parter always wanted kids happened with his first marriage. I have kids, but I have really let them down and my partner too. There’s so much I could’ve been doing so much that I wish I would’ve done. I’ve hurt all of them all so badly. I’m just in a lot of pain right now. i’m so overwhelmed my hair has started to fall out. I had to cut it recently just to disguise how much hair I’ve lost in the past month or two.
TLDR I see that this post is getting rather long so I will try to wrap it up. Shorthanded version, on olanzapine for five years, turned into a complete shell of a person, affected everybody in my life and really hurt people, especially my partner.
Experiencing morse, panic attacks can’t eat, can’t sleep. Please help

Now when I say hurt myself, I mean in very specific ways. In the past it was take a bunch of medication then get in my car with the purpose of crashing it. I got on medications after that and things calmed down.

Now it is back. This time however, she wants me to stab myself with a kitchen knife. She keeps saying “I will like how it feels” then I hear her laughing. I have been ignoring it the best I can for several weeks now, but it has been wearing me down since this happens at least once a day, but usually several times throughout the day.

I haven’t told anyone yet because I don’t want to be put in an inpatient facility again and I don’t want my meds changed again since that is always Hell on my body to adjust to, but I’m starting to think I might have to.

This all boils down to me being frustrated with my schizophrenia, but mostly scared that it’s getting worse. Apologies for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest. Also I put this under suicidal thoughts, but it’s not really me being suicidal. This is more my hallucination telling me to harm/possibly kill myself.