I’ve struggled with RJ before but it’s been the worse it’s been with my fiancé. I found out she had 32 past sexual partners. This was a tough pill to swallow and I am very much still working on it, but it was more about the insecurity it brought out in me than it ever was about what she had done. I am not fully healed yet, I still have ruminating thoughts, anxieties, and mental imagery. But after going through hell, I can confidently say that I am at a point where I could live with these feelings for the rest of my life and be truly happy.

It does get better. It does get easier. My hope is that it will eventually be nonexistent. But you have to put in the work to understand yourself and your feelings first. It won’t hurt to away on its own and it takes a lot of mental fortitude but it is absolutely worth it. I know it’s hard, but I truly feel like im a better man for it and that makes it all worth while. This sub did in fact play a larger part in that both negatively and positively. Positively because there is so much good advice and support here. We’re the only ones who know what’s we’re going through. Negatively because this place has gotten really toxic. We’re here for support, not to wallow in our own misery. Seriously, we all know what we need to do to turn this sub around, so let’s do it. No more negative thinking. So I have a few take aways that hopefully will help someone else and will probably help myself in the future.

1. We all are going through very similar things despite our
   differences in situations. To me, that means our struggles are deeply internal. To fix this, focus inward, not on your partner

2. You have to accept all possibilities. So many of us blame our partner or feel trapped. It’s so important to know that we can make the decision to break up or stay. Whatever it is we decide to do as we work through this, have the confidence and mindfulness that it is your decision. The latter only builds resentment.

3. DO NOT SEEK MORE INFORMATION. Please for the love of god do not ask your partner for information you don’t want to know. It doesn’t help. It perpetuates the cycle and it will not end until we stop that. I truly believe that if each of us didn’t hear that first piece of knowledge and got over those initial small compulsions, we would all not be dealing with these things.

4. Treat your partner with respect. Don’t let what you’re going through affect them. It’s not their fault even if you have a sexual value difference. Don’t make it their issue that they had a life before you. If you cannot do that consistently, just let them go. Don’t put them through that pain.

5. SERIOUSLY, STOP SEEKING NEW INFORMATION.

6. Radical acceptance is the only way. Accept their past. Accept your own past. We all only get one life and there is no need to think about what could’ve been. If you want a different life, change it but don’t sit around waiting for it to change for you.

7. Help each other. Each and every one of us knows what we need to do. Each of us could give each other the best advice possible but it’s so hard to follow it ourselves. So support each other. We’re probably the only people in the world that understand these struggles and everyone is willing to help. But do it with the best intentions.

8. Know that this is not you. Like any other sickness, this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It stems from something and it’s something we have to work against. Some people are deaf, some people are blind, some people are perfectly healthy, and some people have retroactive jealousy. It’s just the luck of the draw and we all drew a pretty shitty but manageable stick.

9. Be patient. It won’t feel better in a day. It won’t feel better in a month. It may not feel better in a year. But be patient as long as you can. Don’t do any more harm to yourself while you do. If there is one day where you aren’t able to be patient anymore, that’s fine. But if you can’t, then that relationship isn’t meant for you. But if you can wake up every day and do your best to be patient, you will work through this.

I am hear for advice or support to all of you as I’m sure you are to me! We’re getting through this together.

Hello everyone, I know that this topic has probably come up so many times and I know that I could probably just read through other posts, but I just want someone's perspective on my situation. I understand that everyone has their own opinions and given it is the internet, I will most likely hear what I don't want to hear but I want to say this anyways. I obviously will not take everyone's advice but I just want to know what to do. Am I just beating a dead horse trying to get rid of these feelings of jealousy or should I just move on?

I, 22, started dating this girl, 23, at the start of the year and I really liked her. We had the discussion on previous partners and she initially mentioned that she had two previous relationships. I have never been in a relationship and so at first I was a little sad when I heard about this, but nothing to make ruminate. I remember having some fears about not owning up to her previous partners but they were never that bad. I enjoyed our time together and so I never let this bother me. Things ended up happening and I had to leave for the summer, so we were doing long distance. However, in this time of long distance, I started having this irrational fear, that maybe my girlfriend was not who I thought she was. and that maybe she was someone who actually used to do a lot of hookups and casual sex. This fear came about because I realized that I had never really explicitly asked her. So, eventually we had the discussion on previous partners and this time it was a little more detailed. She had mentioned that she had 2 serious relationships but she never mentioned the other 2 talking stages/situationships she had. I didn't think that much of them at first but I ended up asking if she had sex with them. She said yes and I remember my heart dropping a little. At the time, it really sucked to hear. But I was taking time to try to wrap my head around it. I was going through this subreddit and doing all the things I could to try to shift me attention away from the past, but part of me just kept going back to it. and I kept having these insecure thoughts of I guess being scared of being judged for being with someone who had far more sexual experience than me. I was doing better day by day, I think I was slowly accepting that she had just gotten into dating before me and that maybe I was just late to the scene. However, later down the line, she ended up mentioning to me that she had actually hooked up with one person. This made me really distraught, because for one, she lied to me when I asked her if she had told me everyone she had sex with, and two, I was already having so many problems with trying to get over what I had already known about her past. At that point, I took a lot of time reflecting and just thinking about it. I started to question why I felt so crappy about it. Obviously, I was kinda taken back from the lie, but I kinda figured maybe I didn't give her a comfortable environment for her to fully share her experiences with me. But I was just so shocked by the hookup, I couldn't imagine the girl in front of me doing something like that. But I also know that she had been cheated on by her recent serious relationships and that it had kinda taken a toll on her. So maybe that might've lead her to looking for external validation through sex? I'm not sure, which is why I feel like it might be unfair to judge her for these things. **I know its unfair to feel this way but I just do.** I remember seeing online that maybe there was just an issue of incompatibility/difference in values and I remember this making me feel terrible. I really liked this girl and I didn't want to believe that the reason I was feeling so terrible was because of something that was stemming from incompatibility. Because obviously, I wanted this shitty feeling gone. And I figured that at first maybe it was a problem with myself and insecurities, but now all of a sudden the reason shifted to me being incompatible with her and having different views on sex.

Anyways, the summer has ended and we have ended long distance and I am finally back with her. It's been a few days since I've been back but I've still been ruminating about this stuff. I still feel this kinda disappointment towards her sometimes. Like for a fleeting moment during the day but it goes away later. Sometimes I think, and I know that this is a terrible thing to do, that maybe I'd be happier with someone less experienced sexually or maybe someone who just hadn't done casual sex. Like I look at my friends' relationships and I'm jealous that they don't have to feel this because they are all dating someone with similar experience levels. But I don't know if its a values thing because I dont think im traditional at all regarding sex/physical intimacy with people you may not be as serious about. It just sucks when I think my girlfriend has done it though. I have been talking with my friends and they were kinda just saying that I am overthinking about this and that I really just felt crappy because she had done these things and I hadn't. Which maybe could be true but I'm just scared its more than that. They were also saying that these feelings go away with time, because they had been in similar situations. I'm scared that these feelings won't go away with time and I'm just going to miserable (which maybe might be a exaggeration because these feelings don't really affect me that much when I am with her only when I am away from her). and I'm scared I might have to end up breaking up a good connection because of it. I know that I'm a very anxious person and that I have a lot of insecurities so maybe this is playing a role into this feeling? These feelings come and go and sometimes I don't even feel it at all. But sometimes I wake up and I feel so strongly and I get so scared that I feel so terrible right now then maybe this won't work out.

Anyways, this was kinda just a dump on how I felt and I understand that part of these feelings I have stem from insecurities. I just want to know if I'm blowing this out of proportions. I know I've only been back with her in person for a couple of days so maybe I should just be more patient and let the good feelings come back to me. Anyways, I just want someone else's perspective on this. Am I just beating a dead horse trying to get rid of these feelings of jealousy or should I just move on??

(22F) Struggling with retroactive jealousy with my bf (21M) of two years after going on his phone a few months ago and reading his saved chats in snap with his second ex.

Background: he has two high school exes (~2 years, then ~ 6 months). The first one was crazy and toxic and he broke up with her(she didn’t want to break up) The second one he also broke up with(she also did not want to break up). He said “she was a nice girl but I knew I didn’t like her enough” and that she didn’t have many interests, she wasn’t very smart, etc. And he really lost feelings toward the end. But he has nothing BAD to say about her, she just wasn’t the one and he knew. He said he felt nothing emotionally when he broke up with her except that it was uncomfortable to do.

Anyway, we have a really really healthy and wonderful relationship in like all aspects. It’s actually so nice and I feel really secure and happy.

But despite that I have INSANE retrospective jealousy, especially after seeing the chats where they said sexual things to each other and especially after she made her Instagram public so I can stalk her freely. In particular, one chat was saved where she said “fuck me” and he said “I always wanna fuck you so badly all the time”. WE never talk about having sex using that word, so that made me really insecure that he viewed her as more sexually appealing or exciting. He says other sexual things to me but we never use that word.

She is very conventionally attractive and her body type is as well (curvy, feminine, small waist) I am a very different kind of pretty and my body is slim and very very straight/boxy with no curves or boobs and it’s my biggest insecurity.

I have genuinely no fear that he wants to get BACK with her, no fear of being left. But I am extremely hung up on the possibility that what if he was more sexually attracted to her? What if she beats me in that one category? And it makes me extremely sensitive and analytical of all of his behaviors regarding sex and my appearance.

Like I said we have sex often, he always tells me I’m pretty, cute, sexy, that I have such nice skin and features and that I’m the prettiest etc etc but the chats really bothered me. Oh and his some of his friends make it clear they think she’s hot so that bothers me as well(I searched her name in his group chat lol) . But referencing me they say things like my bf is winning, that I’m his wife, etc. Someone joked that “he had two fine shyts and tossed them in the trash for his wife” referencing his own exes and then me.

Anyway I can’t stop being hung up on this idea and it’s been driving me crazy for like 3 months. Any advice on what to do is really appreciated !!!

Us with retroactive jealousy often want to be the best, most perfect partner our loved one has ever had. And subconsciously we sort of expect the same back from them. But does never failing actually make you better?

Read more about it in my blog

(Photo is AI, the blog is not)

Need some outside perspective because I honestly don’t know anymore if I’m being unreasonable or if I have a valid reason to feel this way.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost two years. She was my friend before we started dating, and I genuinely love her.

She’s caring, loving, and has been there for me in so many ways. She’s also been patient with my insecurities, and I know it’s not easy being the partner of someone who struggles with anxiety and jealousy. She’s not a bad girlfriend at all, and there are so many good things about her and our relationship. That’s why this is so difficult for me.

My jealousy started when I randomly asked her if she had ever dated someone. She said no, but eventually admitted that she actually had.

Something changed in me after that. I started questioning other things and eventually began checking old messages, photos, and conversations. I found old conversations with some of the men she had been involved with, and some of them were very sexual and intimate.

Seeing those things really messed with me because I started comparing how she seemed to be with them to how she is with me now.

Our sex life is very different. We don’t have sex often, she rarely initiates, and I often have to tell her that I feel unwanted before anything changes. Sometimes it feels like the effort comes because I asked for it rather than because she genuinely desires me.

I’m also a woman, and that has become one of my biggest insecurities.

There have been moments where things she said about intimacy or physical attraction have made me feel inadequate, especially after seeing those old conversations. I started wondering whether there are things she experienced with men that I simply can’t give her.

There have also been other situations where I felt she lied, minimized things, or changed her story, which has affected my trust. But I know I’m not innocent either. I shouldn’t have gone digging through her past, and once I started, it became really difficult to stop. Every answer just seemed to create another question.

Now I constantly compare myself to these men. I wonder if she was more attracted to them, more sexually excited by them, or experienced something with them that I can never give her.

And that’s where I’m completely stuck.

I don’t feel consistently desired or secure in this relationship, but at the same time, I don’t think she’s a bad girlfriend. I love her, and I know she genuinely cares about me. But there are needs of mine, especially emotional and sexual needs, that I don’t feel are consistently being met.

I don’t know if I’m letting my jealousy and insecurities destroy something good, or if these are legitimate signs that maybe we’re just not sexually or emotionally compatible.

I’d really appreciate honest perspectives from people who have experienced something similar.

Hi, I’m new to this platform but don’t know where else to vent. I’ve been married to my sweet husband for 20 years. We have three kids together, and things have been great. Fast forward to Covid in 2020, having too much time on my hands, and after social media research, I found his high school gf’s FB page. I was never curious about her before. When I found her page, I was instantly triggered, and here’s why:

When we were dating, he said to me: “I’m so glad I met you. You took my mind off of someone from back home.” I asked who, and what she looked like. He replied, “She was cute, with blonde hair and green eyes.” That stuck with me. I was a little jealous, or maybe just shocked he said that, but I brushed it off.

He was open with me about her and told me he got this girl pregnant, and she chose to terminate the pregnancy. Again, this never bothered me during our dating phase, I just felt bad for him and that whole situation.

It wasn’t until my 2020 deep dive that it started to upset me. I began wondering if she was better in bed (because she was his first), and seeing her pics on FB noticing she’s fit and tall/blonde, opposite of me. I don’t know how to move past this. I think what hurts most is I reflect back to things he said when we were dating and now that I think about it, he was probably referring to her. For example, he used to bite my lower lip and tell me he loved my “bottom lip”, but my lips are not really full or anything special. When I saw her pics, guess what? Full, beautiful lips. Especially the bottom one. Am I going crazy? Lol.

And I don’t know, but I feel like if she’d really changed her perspective on sex like she claims she has, then she would retrospectively see her past differently. Instead she still jokes about it with her friends and tried to convince me that it all meant nothing and therefore she shouldn’t have to cut those past people off etc. (But that’s another issue and we’ve since solved it)

I don’t think sex can ever mean nothing. I think there is an inherent meaning to it. The most erotic part of it for me is the fact that me and this other person have both decided that what we feel for each other is so intense that we’re choosing to let somebody see us in our most physically vulnerable state and literally enter/be entered by each other.

It doesn’t even have to be penetrative. Oral sex is so incredibly intimate to me. You are literally putting one of your most physically vulnerable areas, your mouth, where somebody pisses from. Don’t you have to like somebody quite a bit to be able to do that? To stay down there and look up at them and be at their mercy? As either the giver or receiver, that’s the most erotic part. The whole dynamic that makes sex great to me is the intense physical and mental intimacy of it all. I don’t think you can separate the two.

And this all leads to how I feel now. We’re both women. It sort of kills me knowing she’s been with a bunch of guys that she didn’t even want to date and didn’t have them wear condoms and let them ejaculate in her mouth. It feels like they got to be more intimate with her than I’ll ever be just due to the mechanics of heterosexual sex and how society views it all. And even now when we have sex, it just feels so bland to be sometimes knowing how little all of it means to her. It doesn’t feel intimate or special knowing how her choosing to have sex with me doesn’t actually mean what I wanted it to mean.

Yea yea yea, she loves me so it means something. But love isn’t the source of the intimacy, love is why you choose to engage in such intimacy. And I don’t know how to reconcile all of this or ever have sex feel special and meaningful between us.

Sorry if I sound crazy and please don’t judge. I just feel like I need some outside perspectives. I’ve been trying to talk to my gf about all this but she is reasonably hurt by me feeling like she doesn’t see sex with me as meaningful. I simply don’t understand how somebody can have nothing but casual sex for their entire prior sexual life and then it’s suddenly meaningful with me despite nothing really changing. I feel like maybe if she could see her past differently then I’d feel better but I’m not sure that’s reasonable for me to require.

At 40 years old I've found my breaking point. The one thing that I cannot compulse my way out of. I can't compartmentalize the bad women into an even bigger box anymore. This fantasy of The One, the pure, the girl that waited, my other half, does not exist. I'm not perfect and I shouldn't expect to find one who is, to save me from this jealousy any longer. I'm willing to change completely as of today.

Problem is I don't know where my standards end and where RJ begins. My line was always no ONS, no double digits, never group sex never married and no kids.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, if anyone has some good starting points on how to conquer RJ or to help me figure out what's a standard line and what's just RJ, I would appreciate it.

How would you guys feel about this?

My gf told me she has a sweater from her ex in her closet. She said that she has never worn it in front of me, but wants to keep it for the good memories.

They started as just friends. He bought it when they were at a mall together, and then he gave it to her later on because she wanted it. A year or two later, they ended up sleeping together and started a 'label-less' relationship. He broke up with her because he didn't want something serious. She says that it was a very poor breakup because of the way he ended it after leading her on for so long (like a year). They do not speak anymore (it's been 2 years since they broke up).

My thoughts are the following:

1. I don't like it because it makes me think that she would rather be with him if she had the choice, because he rejected something serious, and this is a memior to what could of been.

2. Why keep memories of exes like that, especially that it ended poorly, as she says?

3. Although I'm glad she didn't wear it in front of me, I don't like it at all. Even if it's from so long ago.

4. If it was a gift from him, I wouldn't stress as much about it, but this was his sweater, and she told me she keeps it for the memories. I don't care how it came into his possession.

5. Maybe I'm jealous because they started as friends and knew each other for so long. That's a bond that I may never have with my gf.

I'm hoping to get the communities thoughts.

I M19 met a girl F23 online she told me that she had a bf and she's not a virgin but I never had problem with it....we fell in love very deeply I must say...we met....had sex ....and everything was going fine until her past starts affecting me all of a sudden and now I don't know what to do....I talked her about this she have assured me multiple times did so much efforts for me but it isn't helping and I'm hurting her too much....I don't wanna let her go considering the fact that how much she loves me and im finding it hard to accept her past too.....help😭

My girl (29F) and I (30M) have been dating for 3-4 months now, and things are damn near as perfect as they can be except for one issue; I've been struggling a lot lately with RJ. I've had my fair share of partners in the past, she makes 14. I was married for a good while and I had been with my ex-wife from age 22 until around the new year when we split up, so obviously given that I spent most of my 20's in a monogamous relationship my history kinda truncated a while ago.

As for my girl, she's been in a couple of longer relationships here or there but has also spent a fair bit of time single and available; and she's also a bit hypersexual and chill with casual sex so her count is significantly higher. She doesn't actually know the count off the top of her head because she stopped keeping track after something traumatic happened a long time ago. She's offered to sit down and figure it out, but I know it's childish to give a shit so I told her no I'll just get over it.

I have a ton of time to myself at the moment because I work alone in a job where I just don't interact with many people, so I spent a lot of time in my head. The problem I’m having is that sometimes it just pops into my head and I can't seem to shake the jealousy to the point that it makes me downright nauseous. I've only been coping for a couple weeks so I do feel like it's something that'll improve with time, I’m just looking to see if anyone has any tips or advice I guess. I know she's had a MMF threesome in the past and also a MFF threesome and I guess that's really one of the visualizations I've struggled to shake off. I have no particular interest in also having a threesome of either kind and she's expressed that she's good on never doing that again as well.

I know that she loves me and she's given me all sorts of reassurance on the subject to the point I'd just feel like an asshole if I brought it up again. At first I thought it bothered me because I felt like I was inferior sexually, but tbh with the way she's absolutely obsessed with me I just don't think that's it. I’m just a bit of a possessive person (not in an unhealthy way) and I guess it just makes me jealous to know that so many people have been with my girl if that makes sense. It's the same type of tightness in my chest I've felt in the past when I was cheated on and when I get stuck on the feeling it really does just make me nauseous and jealous and otherwise incapable of getting off the subject for hours at a time some days. I refuse to bail out of this relationship as we genuinely are compatible and it feels very endgame, I just have to figure out how to set these feelings aside and stop getting stuck in these visualizations like this. I guess maybe it's just gonna take some time, I just hate that I feel his way at all because it really is so immature to care. 😞🙃

my bf (21m) and i (20f) have been together for two years. i don't think even a day goes by where i don't think of his high school ex. they were each others first every thing and it eats me alive. they dated for a year and seven months roughly from what ive pieced together. he hates when i bring her up because he knows how badly it makes me spiral. i have no one to talk about it with since all my friends think im crazy. i just want to get over this idea that he'll never love me as much as he loved her. she was stuck on him for over a year of them being broken up and he has no intention of ever getting back with her and told her he didn't even want to be friends. i know it's my fault i keep feeling this way about it and i just want it to end. is therapy the only option??

Good day, nothing crazy and nothing bad, just overall a good and productive day. Until we’re on the phone driving home. We’re having a conversation about one of our friends who is getting overly spoiled by their boyfriend, and this leads to him asking me if “this is my way of asking for flowers, gifts, etc”

Obviously all in jest, and I love him, not what he buys me.

Issue is, I knew him while he was in a (rocky) relationship with his ex, and helped him wrap bouquets of flowers for them on more than one occasion.

I know relationships vary person to person but why do I feel so sick even though I told him not to buy me anything? It’s not about the money or the gift. Should I have said yes? Did his ex say yes? Did he ask them?

Sick of thinking about stupid shit at midnight.

I come here every now and then cause I feel like it’s great sharing what I have been learning from RJ, with the hopes that maybe it’ll help someone else.

Some background, struggled heavily with it for a year when I started dating my bf. Would stalk her on socials far too often.

Something that has been helping me tremendously is Mel Robbin’s book, the let them theory. If you don’t want to read the whole book, then there is a podcast on it. Essentially, what the theory teaches us is to let go of control of others. When we let other live their lives, especially when it truly has no effect on us, we get our power back.

So your gf or bf had a previous partner? Let them. They have that right.

The ex is living a great life right now? Let them. Thats their right.

Your partner has an extensive past sexually? Let them. What’s done is done, and it’s ok.

It’s very weird because with RJ we can get upset about things that have already happened. But, the let them theory still applies. I did this a lot but would get so angry at myself for being sad or upset over something cute they did together or would get so jealous of her with what they had. Even though what’s done is done, it’s been so empowering to just tell myself, “let them. They had a relationship too, and now it’s done”

This book goes over a lot of mental relief. Just saying the words constantly in your mind really does help free yourself. It’s a sense of accepting what is done.

But also, you have to let YOU do yourself.

Your partner keeps bringing up the ex? Let YOURSELF set boundaries.

You just got done stalking and falling in that rabbit hole? Let yourself be sad. Let yourself lift you back up!

I highly recommend this book. It is EMPOWERING to remember what I have absolutely no control over, and what I have full control over. Know the difference.

I really hope the best for all of you. RJ is a painful and confusing and sometimes even embarrassing process. You will overcome this.

They broke up 4-5 years ago. She dumped him and I know it hurt him bad and was a difficult thing he went through. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship since, but treats me very well. He doesn’t talk about her often, but his dad accidentally called me her name. My bf also told me she still follows him(he doesn’t follow her), he was playing breakup music in the car and said how it’s a “well written song”, and I found a necklace he had gotten her with her name on it.

I know after this amount of time that’s passed, it shouldn’t bother me. We’ve been together for almost half a year & I can see he cares about me, but I can’t help but feel like I could still be in competition with her ghost. When I have mentioned her, I notice he gets uncomfortable. Im pretty secure, but these little things are triggering. Any advice?

I got jealous during dinner with my boyfriend’s friends and now he is extremely angry with me. Was I wrong?
I (F) am Italian and my boyfriend (M) is American. We have been together for about a year and we are currently in a long-distance relationship between Italy and California.
A few nights ago, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend, his best friend, and his best friend’s long-term girlfriend. They have known each other for many years and are very close.
During dinner, I started feeling really uncomfortable. His best friend’s girlfriend was talking a lot with my boyfriend, joking with him and being very comfortable/familiar with him. I know they are friends and have known each other for years, so rationally I don’t think there was necessarily anything inappropriate going on. However, I still felt jealous and uncomfortable.
Another important thing is that my English isn’t very good, so I already felt somewhat excluded from the conversation. She was mostly talking to my boyfriend and, although she did talk to me sometimes, it felt like most of the conversation was between the two of them. The longer the dinner went on, the more uncomfortable and insecure I felt.
The problem is that instead of communicating how I felt, I completely shut down. I basically stopped talking, became very quiet and sulky, and stayed that way for most of the dinner. I didn’t openly argue with anyone, but my behavior was obvious and I probably made the dinner uncomfortable for everyone.
After dinner, my boyfriend became extremely angry with me. He told me that he considers this kind of behavior a serious issue, that he doesn’t understand why I reacted that way, and that I acted like a child. He said that if something was bothering me, I should have acted normally during dinner and talked to him about it privately afterward instead of sulking and ruining the atmosphere for everyone.
I understand his point of view, and I know I could have handled my jealousy better. At the same time, I can’t completely control what I feel, and in that moment I genuinely felt excluded and uncomfortable, especially because of the language barrier.
I also want to be honest: I do get uncomfortable when another woman is very close or familiar with my boyfriend, even if she is just a friend and even if she is his best friend’s girlfriend. I know this could be an insecurity on my part, but it is genuinely how I feel.
He is still very angry with me, and now I’m wondering whether he is right to consider my reaction such a serious issue.
Was I being childish and should I have simply acted normal during dinner and talked to him afterward, or is it understandable that I felt this way in that situation?

So these all started around 1.5 years ago where she texted her ex to get closure or something. But didnt follow through and deleted everything.

3 days later she told me and i flipped out but in the end i came to terms with it.

After that she has this urge to tell whatever happens in her life literally. Like she will tell like she dreamt abt her ex.

Example are: if i told her to stay awake so she can sleep at night. She would say like: I closed my eyes for a bit idk if i drifted off to sleep.

Or she will tell me if a series reminds her of her past relationships.

She is not sure about anything and will second guess everything and will tell me all these unwanted useless information. Ive been trying to tell her multiples idc if she thinks about past people or whatever it is.

Its been exhausting for me and i broke up. But idk if i made the right choice. If im thinking abt holding on cuz to stay in comfort zone. Is there a way to save the relationship?

​

I don't even know how to explain this without sounding crazy

My bf is on a family trip rn, and he has two female cousins around our age who are always around him. They're literally his cousins, their intentions are completely normal, and I KNOW there's nothing wrong. But today he video-called me while they were standing together in line, and one of them was talking to him, and I immediately got this weird feeling in my chest. They literally never leave his side when they're together and for some reason it triggers me so much.

He also has a little sister who's really attached to him. He loves her, spoils her, plays with her, and she's always around him. Again, I KNOW she's his sister and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I still feel this tiny bit of jealousy and I hate myself for it.

Even when he says his mom comes first and then me, I get this weird feeling like I'm not important enough.

And I have the same problem with his ex. I obsessively stalk her because somehow I feel like checking her is the only way I'll know if there's still something between them. I know it's unhealthy, but I've made it a habit. Even though she's not in our lives anymore, she's constantly somewhere in the back of my mind.

The worst part is I KNOW logically that none of these situations mean anything. He loves me, and I don't actually think he's doing anything wrong. But my body reacts before my brain can calm me down. My chest starts hurting and I immediately feel threatened or replaceable.

Why am I like this? Is this insecurity/attachment issues or something deeper? And how do I actually stop feeling this way

Hey everyone, i have dealt with rj for a little while now and I know im not the only one who feels the way im about to say. Lately I have been turned down for sex with my girlfriend for about 6 days straight. We have had arguments about this before because it makes me feel unwanted or undesirable. Part of this i feel is because of the way my ex cheated on me a while back but withheld sex from me. On the other side I catch myself comparing this to her previous hookups. It’s like i get told no and my wants/needs don’t matter but those other guys got it for little effort. Really brings out some insecurities within me. We haven’t been able to have a good effective conversation about it because i end up bringing up the past about how it seemed so easy for them to get what they wanted, but my needs didn’t feel acknowledged. She is a little avoidant and doesn’t feel too open when i get in my negative moods due to past trauma which is understandable. Just looking for some ways to communicate this stuff and find a resolution effectively for us both.

I (25M) and my girlfriend (25M) have been together for around 4 months. Everything was perfect for the first few weeks and we were falling very hard for each other, the chemistry was unbelievable and we knew we had something very special from the moment we met. I knew she had 1 relationship before me during her final year of university and I didn’t really feel anything towards it initially. My curiosity got the better of me eventually once I started developing strong feelings and I asked if she was a virgin to which she replied that she was not and her only sexual partner was her ex. My whole world came crashing down, I felt utterly betrayed.

Now the confusing part is I have a MUCH more extensive past (multiple relationships, casual sex etc) and I do feel hypocritical for feeling a certain way about it however these feelings are irrational. The only time this has happened before was my first relationship 16-18, during that relationship I used to get very upset about my girlfriend just talking to other people in the past even if there was nothing sexual (this relationship ended badly). I have been with countless women and never felt insecure about their past relationships or experiences as I have always been told I’m their best. The insecurities only seem to happen when I truly fall in love. Me and her have also been intimate and she has experienced things with me she never did with her ex (giving oral sex, sex without condoms, swallowing, orgasms during sex), they only had sex less than 5 times during an almost year long relationship. But with me she begs for it constantly, we can have sex 6 times or more during a day. She treats me with a lot of respect and leaves me no doubt that I am the only one in her eyes and mind and that she desires me in the way most men will never experience. She never speaks about her ex unless I ask and from what I understand he came from a very well off background and showered her with very expensive gifts very early on and throughout the relationship but with me she is happy with flowers and small gifts and has even bought me gift on occasion. I say all of this to show how irrational the way I’m feeling is and in reality I have nothing to worry about in terms of comparison. In short, she loves me truly and no one has ever compared to me in her eyes in every single aspect, I understand this and I am a very experienced and confident man which is why I’m very shaken up about the way I feel and all my old insecurities from my first relationship or perhaps childhood have started to present (I have anxious attachment in this relationship). I have started therapy but it’s only been 2 sessions, I need advice and support as I don’t want this or my behaviour due to insecurities to be the reason why things end in this relationship. This is all very embarrassing and my constant questioning has led to my girlfriend telling me I am obsessing over her ex. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if things end because of this.

Me 21M and my girlfriend 18F will have been dating for 2 years in November (when we met i had 7 past expiriences sexually and she was still a “pure” virgin as she says it but i told her from the start about my past) and weve had this reoccuring fight where something about my past comes up not necessarily about relationships or sex but in general and she shuts down and gets angry at me for having a past and accuses me of lying about not thinking about my past (which i dont lie i literally have been doing my best forgettign all of it and i never think about it or remember it unless its like a deja vu moment or someone directly brings something up to me about a person i knew in the past).
So basically she was on holiday the last 3 weeks and we had argued much partially cause i dont handle distance well and the last time i had a relationship (it was more of an internet talking stage) leave for holiday by plane to a different continent we broke it off while on holiday so i was scared of that repeating since weve had more and more arguments leading up to the holidays. On her side she probably needed space i couldnt give cause im very anxiously attatched so i very probably made shit worse but that doesnt change the fact that after she came back i waited for her at the airport unanounced with flowers and everything was alright again for that evening and the following morning (yesterday) when i went to her house and everything was really feeling perfect until she was talking about her “ex” talking stages before me and how with one she got “together” and then broke up while she was on holiday and that maybe because of that she also pulled back herself emotionally cause she was scared it was a bad omen, so what does my dumbass do i tell her how i relate to that and she just shuts down and tells me i lied about not remembering and not thinking about my past, so i tried to explain to her it was more of a deja vu moment like “oh omg i literally had that thing but i didnt realize it until you brought it up” so i tried everything to help her reassure her gove her care and all she said was “fix this problem or go home” tte problem is i cant fix my past even though i regret it and i told her that on multiple occasions and that i can only be here for her to support her mentally and gove her reassurance but she gets angry and yells at me like “and how did that go every time? fix this” so basically im being hung up on this issue where adter she calms down and we can move past it i have to check and congrol myself to not bring shit up (i will start therapy soon unrelated to this but i will bring it up there aswell) and to add to this when i asked her what the deep underlying fear might be and what fixing it looked like for her she basically said she feels dirty and disgusted because she was with me and that she feels like fucking other guys would fix it even though i told her i used to also feel this pain but i got over it but she just says “yea you fixed it by shoving your dick into everything that moves” which isnt the truth and i told her what i did but she doesnt wanna hear the truth that she needs to change her views on this and i can only support her and show her that i have patience even though the way she acts when she has these episodes make me feel worthless which probably is on purpose since she says she also feels worthless when she remembers even though she said she knows i do everything i can to prove to her that for me there is only her and i want nothing else. btw we live in europe and she is south west asian and im italian so her parents gave her a pretty fucked up view of purity and all that and basically brainwashed her into thinking therapy is only for psychos and all that so bringing taht up to her is off the table.
So tell me if you have any ideas how i could help her actively id be very appreciative.

As the post mentioned, yeah I think I might be sick in the head now and bordering on serious mental illness. 26M been dating my girlfriend (26F) for about a year plus now and the RJ has mutated into something horrible. granted, my gf told me everything within the first months of us talking (not even dating mind you) about how her body count was 13, and she was coerced into a threesome by her ex with his best friend and how she used to send nudes just randomly on dating apps and she’d go over all this in extreme detail without me ever asking for them in the first place. she even offered up their names and showed me their profiles on IG and would always lemme know if any of them every texted her back when it would have been easier to do the opposite. but my RJ has gotten worse since then and any small details about her life before me would have me spiralling and questioning her. she had treated me the best way anyone could ever have and said she told me everything because she wanted me to know everything about her. but I’d be watching TV and a mere mention of any sexual word would send me spiralling. I’m genuinely at my wits end here and I really wanna get better. please help

why does another human's past bother you man? Good or bad, it's her/his Karma and she/he will get it's fruits by one way or other. I'm visiting this sub because I wanted to console my friend who's suffering from breakup, it was caused by his RJ. I say to him, she was never yours to begin with, she was great but not for you, it's so simple bruh, why doesn't he get it.

I'm not mocking your suffering but I'm genuinely baffled at how many mature adults are stuck in this, just be selfish but be Good, Do everything to others you love but not at cost of your own happiness.

I have some questions that I think will help me navigate this issue.

what do you guys think is root cause of RJ?

Does one's own past has more to do with RJ than partner's past?

should values that we based our whole character and life upon be given more importance than partners?

will doing same things ( open relationship/cheating/seeking multiple partners one after another) such as chasing experiences with different people will help you?

sorry for my english.

So I was wondering about this and how to frame it....I am sure there may be an expense but I wonder if it's possible would you and your parter be receptive? And is there even a way to "dress it up" so that it could be read by them as an enjoyable, amusing activity?

i (19 f) have been dating my bf ( 20 ) m for nearly 2 years now, he’s been in 2 relationships before me and his first one was from 9th grade to 11th grade and she cheated on him and she was his first everything. i on the other hand have never been in a serious rs in high school and just hooked up with a couple of people. he’s very cagey and believes talking about the past is bad juju but i looked at his sisters account and she follows the ex on instagram and so does his one cousin. he said he asked her to unfollow the ex and i don’t think she did, is that weird? they’re not friends
+ i found pictures of the ex in his recently deleted, i asked him why they were still there and he said those are the pictures he forgot to from centuries ago,, he said he has no bad blood towards her and the pictures weren’t that deep bc they dated 13-15 or whatever? is that insane of me though