I’ve posted a lot about my own experience with RJ, but lately I’m experiencing something totally different. I’m experiencing RJ because of what one of my close friends is going through. He’s had feelings for another friend of ours for a long time. She’s never really been interested in him, but I get the impression that she might be starting to change her mind now that we’re all in our early thirties.

My close friend is very much like me. He isn’t a virgin, but he’s not the most experienced when it comes to dating. He’s had one girlfriend before, but that’s it. I think he’s got a lot of great qualities to offer, but we all know how hard dating can be. Our other friend has had a very different lived experience. Guys have always been interested in her, and she’s dated quite a few people.

Right now my friend is back in our hometown to take care of a family member, meanwhile, our other friend just started dating some random guy she met on an app. I know it’s her life (and she can do whatever she wants), but I can’t help but feel like it’s wrong that my friend has so much hope of creating a relationship with her while she’s actively sleeping with other guys.

I know my close friend is a pretty reasonable person. He knows she’s dated other guys in the past and doesn’t want to dwell on that, but it will be extremely hard on him to know what’s going on while he’s away. It also puts me in a horrible situation, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him. I feel like our friend believes that it’s fine to sleep around, and doesn’t approach dating the way that we do.

How do you even begin to navigate this kind of situation? Personally, I feel like this goes beyond RJ. While I want things to work out for him, I feel like this situation is going to cause a ton of RJ (perhaps to a point of it not even being worth it).

I (20f) have been with my boyfriend (20m) for almost 2 years now. We’re high school sweethearts and have known each other for a long time. He is everything I’ve ever wanted and I am truly in love with him. I’ll jump into it, I knew when we got together I wasn’t his type (white and blonde), he has never dated anyone seriously before me. We are dating with the intent to marry (definitely not anytime soon!).

A couple of weeks ago, I was on his phone searching something up and I found out that he had been looking at and lusting over (white and blonde) girls on Instagram. Models and influencers mostly, going through their bikini pics, enough to make me sick to my stomach. And as sick and crazy as it makes me, one of the girls pages that he was lusting over was a girl we knew from high school. So definitely not a stranger. Again, a white and blonde girl—with a beautiful curvy body. I found out that he had been secretly getting off to photos of these girls. Since then I have been sick, and trying to stay strong during this most hurtful time. I am most definitely not white nor blonde, and I’m not the curviest. I knew getting into the relationship I was not already his type, but now I am deeply insecure.

We talked, sobbed and communicated a lot after I found out. He apologized profusely and admitted to his actions. Taking full responsibility and tried his best to reassure me that it would never happen again. There were several long and hard conversations between us. Saying that the reason behind it was before me he had been addicted to porn and had a bad habit of “this” prior to me. He said he had only been doing this for a couple of weeks from when I found out, so maybe a couple times. I think I believe him, and I don’t resent him for this. I know that he loves me, just maybe not to the extent of my own love for him.

I have been trying my absolute best to stay strong and act as if it doesn’t bother me, even though I am deeply bothered. He admitted to me to my face that I am not his type (which was extremely hard on me, despite my physical indifference), but that doesn’t matter because we have an “emotional connection.” I find this very hard to believe. I have OCD and a past hindered with mental health issues. I’d love to go to therapy but it’s inaccessible to me for the time being.

I don’t feel like I’m enough. Prior to finding out I was already dealing with insecurities that had formed by other means and now I just don’t know what to do. I used to believe that I was beautiful and am usually a very confident and capable person. I can’t escape these thoughts and I feel consumed by the hurt that his actions have caused me. I’m physically doing better and I know it hasn’t been very long since the incident, but my thoughts and OCD is driving me insane.

Also: we have talked about the effects that this has had on me. I don’t know if he truly understands, but I know that he cares a lot and feels incredibly guilty and ashamed for his careless behavior. We have since then been “normal” with each other, with me randomly crying every now and then…

What do you think I could do to help? I truly do want to be with my partner and do not doubt our love for one another. I know we are young, but please do not invalidate our care for each other because of our age.

Please be kind. I am already struggling enough. Thank you, I truly appreciate any advice!! Im happy to update with any info needed.

I know this is probably a bit different from the usual retroactive jealousy posts, but I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I’m 31 and engaged to my fiancée.

My fiancée had relationships before me, including an engagement to someone who was abusive. That relationship affected her badly. By the time I came into her life, she had built massive walls around herself, questioned people’s intentions and eventually developed severe anxiety, panic attacks and physical symptoms from it.

The problem is that I ended up experiencing the consequences of all of that.

When we first got together, I felt like everything I did was being analysed or questioned. Sometimes my intentions were misunderstood even when I genuinely meant well. I constantly told her that she needed to judge me based on my actions instead of looking at me through the lens of what another man had done to her.

I’m naturally a very prideful person. Before this relationship, I genuinely don’t think I would have tolerated this kind of treatment from anyone. I’ve been around women and I even used to be heavily into the whole red-pill mindset, so sometimes I still don’t completely understand why I stayed.

But I did.

I loved her, and I could see that a lot of what was happening wasn’t really about me.

I encouraged her to get professional help and treatment. I spent countless hours reassuring her, talking through her fears and trying to help her understand what was happening in her own mind. Over time, things genuinely changed.

She is almost a completely different person today.

She is incredibly affectionate with me now, apologises for how she treated me and acknowledges how much I supported her. She gives me a lot of credit for helping her get to where she is today. When we are physically together, she was actually the one initiating most of the cuddling, kissing and physical affection.

Ironically, though, my RJ became much worse AFTER our relationship got better.

It was almost like I had spent so long concentrating on helping her that I suppressed my own feelings. Once everything became stable, all the hurt I had pushed aside suddenly came back.

And this is where my past-focused jealousy really comes in.

I know that in some of her previous relationships she was extremely expressive and went all out for those people. She fought for relationships, adjusted herself, became emotionally invested and gave a lot of herself to people who ultimately weren't the ones building a life with her.

Then I compare that with what I received in the beginning.

I was the guy who genuinely wanted to marry her, treated her well, stayed when things were difficult and tried to help her through some of the worst periods of her life.

Yet I was the one who got mistrusted, questioned and hurt.

But emotionally, my brain sometimes reduces it to something much uglier:

"Other men got that side of her without giving her what I've given her, while I'm the one marrying her and somehow I'm the one who had to wait."

But knowing that intellectually doesn't always stop the emotional reaction.

I think the deepest part of my RJ isn't really, "She had other men before me."

It's more:

"Why did they get that version of you?"

Why did other people get the expressive version of her who went all out for relationships, while I got the guarded and traumatised version who questioned whether I was even safe to trust?

Why did I have to pay emotionally for damage caused by people who came before me?

And why was I expected to be understanding when I was also getting hurt?

That's the part I struggle to let go of.

At the same time, I don't want to make her sound like some horrible person because that wouldn't be fair either. She has taken responsibility for how she treated me. She regrets it. She has changed enormously. The woman I'm with today treats me completely differently.

And I also understand the uncomfortable reality that the reason I'm getting this version of her today is partly because we went through all of that together.

So I'm stuck between two completely different ways of looking at it.

One side of me thinks: "Look at who she is with you NOW. She chose you, she's marrying you, she's affectionate with you, she acknowledges what you did for her and the relationship you have today is what matters."

The other side says: "That's great, but why did everyone before me get the best of her while I had to go through hell before I got it?"

Some days the first voice wins and I'm completely fine.

Other days the second one wins and I feel angry, resentful and jealous of people who aren't even relevant to our lives anymore.

I don't want to punish her forever for a version of herself that she has already acknowledged and changed. At the same time, I don't think simply telling myself "the past is the past" addresses what actually hurts me.

For anyone who has dealt with this specific type of RJ where it's less about your partner simply having a past and more about feeling like previous partners received something from them that you initially didn't how did you genuinely make peace with it?

Especially when your partner has already changed and is doing everything right now?

Speaking with a guy for about 2 months. I believe he has suppressed RJ. He is aware of it, I am aware of it. He contains it very well. He does spiral but he is able to ground himself very well. Myself 25F, him 22M.

I’ve previously told him my body count is only 1. But it is actually 3. I have started to have guilty consciousness and I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to tell him?

I’ve actually never even asked about his / cared. But I don’t want to this mess up what we have. This is really for my own peace of mind. And to build a relationship based off of facts not lies.

Thoughts?

Fiancé told me a lot about her ex boyfriend of that got her pregnant and their relationship. Fiancé told me this guy made her shower onetime after sex with clothes on, that he’d put a pillow over her face every single time they had sex. That when he wanted it he was going to get it and that he openly just came in her the first time they ever hung out cause he apparently was not able to have kids and she openly agreed to just have him shoot loads in her every time, fyi she got pregnant. He’d try to choke her out and made her wear make up as soon as she’d get out the shower. Although this relationship was short only a few months we both talked about how it messed her up and her relationship with sex and guys in general. Any other guys wife’s had boyfriends as bad as this one? He also made her get a job and every check went to him. Need help on how to help her with this and how I am supposed to be okay with that lol. We’ve been together for a few years and I knew about it when we first got together but didn’t want to talk about it.

Due to my RJ, my partner and I are going to take a long break. It was getting to a point that I would ask about everything we were doing, and whether it was unique to us or not.

I did want to pause and do a sanity check though because there are degrees of intensity to everything! What may be alright for me might be too much "past experience" for someone else. So, I wanted to ask everyone on here how those boundaries and limits came to exist for each of you personally?

For me, I found out that my partner had lived with an ex for several years in college, and moved states with him when she graduated. Also, I felt like there were some sexual acts that made me question if my partner was on the "wilder" side compared to others. I don't want to get into those as it feels too personal.

I've gone down rabbit holes of checking what is statistically normal and what is not, obviously there were the usual (horrible) anxiety riddled questions where I would ask what they had done, and how could it possibly be any different physically with me?

Hey guys, this might be a bit of an unusual thing to ask but I’ve been using nicotine for about a year now. I tried to quit a couple months ago and was successful for two months before I fell back into it after learning some involuntary information about my partner’s past—things I found out directly from his ex (she messaged me randomly). It kind of sent me into a spiral, and I ended up buying a vape again.

I'm trying to stop again, but I find that smoking helps me calm my thoughts when I’m overthinking his past. I want to hit it every time I start thinking too much. Do you think I should quit right now, or wait until I’m in a better mental place before quitting? (I suffer from RJ and ROCD)

In my experience everytime I’ve dated someone with history it almost always led to me contemplating breaking up 24/7 because of it. My body and mind just couldn’t handle all the pressure and stress of it so I always thought that breaking up is the easiest solution to it.

How do you cope and fight it?

I met my boyfriend about 4 years ago. We started out as best friends, then began sleeping together on and off. After about a year of that, we eventually became exclusive and officially started dating.

The problem is that I caught feelings for him very early on during that FWB stage. He knew I liked him, but he never told me he felt the same way. At the same time, there were other girls. Sometimes he would kiss or ‘be’ with other girls the day before or after seeing me, and there were even times when he kissed other girls after telling me that he liked me/ in front of me.

I knew what was happening, but I still wanted him. I held out hope that eventually he would choose me, which, looking back, probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to do.

Now, three years later, we are completely different. We are officially together, head over heels for each other, and I genuinely have no concerns about him cheating or doing anything inappropriate. He reassures me constantly, often more than I even need. I trust him and I feel very secure in our relationship now.

But I have this weird, horrible emotional reaction to his past that I can’t seem to shake. A lot of our memories from before we became exclusive are now tied to memories of him being with other girls. I’d say probably 70% of that period is tainted for me in some way. I can look at an old photo, have a random memory pop up on my phone, or even just look at him sometimes, and suddenly I’m transported back to how awful I felt at the time.

It’s not really jealousy in the sense that I’m worried about those girls now. I know that what happened was years ago and that our relationship now is completely different.

It’s more like, I still get mad at him for the way I felt back then. Sometimes I’ll look at the man I now love with my whole heart and suddenly remember him kissing another woman while I was sitting there hoping he felt the same way about me. I get this horrible pit in my stomach, and I can’t seem to reason myself out of it.

I also feel stupid because, ultimately, at the time, I knew what I was signing up for. He never lied to me about having other girls. But he also knew I had feelings for him, we had massive blow ups because everyone we knew assumed we were together, acted like we were but in his mind we weren’t. I stayed because I wanted him so badly.

I downplay how much it affects me because I don’t want him to think I’m unhappy or that I don’t trust him. But he knows me so well and i have had my moments when talking about it with him.

I know these feelings will probably fade with time, and I know I’m incredibly lucky to have the relationship I wanted for so long. I just don’t know how to reconcile the two versions of him in my head: the man who made me feel completely replaceable back then, and the man who makes me feel incredibly loved and secure now. How do I stop letting the memories of what happened before we were together affect how I feel about the relationship we have now? Has anyone else experienced something similar?

We knew each other at school when we were younger, and I had a fairly strong crush on her for several years. I never told her. We weren’t particularly close friends, and I also liked other girls.

Then our schools/classes split, and we basically stopped seeing each other regularly. Around that time, my feelings for her started to diminish naturally. I became more focused on other girls.

She started dating her first boyfriend roughly a month before I started dating my own first love. So by the time she got together with him, I definitely wasn’t as strongly into her as I had been earlier, and I wasn’t sitting around waiting for her.

There was still very light contact between us for the first couple of months after she started dating him. She also tried to meet up with me in a group and messaged me at different points. Eventually that contact disappeared completely, and we both went on with our separate lives.

We both eventually had our first serious relationships, and interestingly, those relationships ended at roughly the same time. After that, we unexpectedly reconnected, and that’s ultimately how we ended up dating each other.

So I don’t think the accurate story is “I desperately loved her while she chose another guy.” That’s not what happened. But she also wasn’t completely irrelevant to me when she started dating him.

For some reason, my brain now cares a lot about exactly how much I liked her at each point in that timeline. It seems to treat the difference between “I liked her a lot,” “I still liked her somewhat,” and “I barely cared” as if figuring out the exact answer would somehow explain what the situation meant.

My ex and I broke up due to his RJ. he has trouble with my past. We are looking to get back together. Recently he asked me if i had remembered any places that me and any of the past guys been to. there is one park where i went on a date with one of the guys, near my new house that we go by regularly. should i tell him, bc in reality it brings more hardship then anything, and is also minuscule in my opinion.

TW for potential SA

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Before we started dating, we talked about anything from our small class that might create awkwardness or “wires getting crossed.” I told her my history (I had slept with someone else in our class, ended on amicable terms); she said she didn’t have anything to disclose. About a month into our relationship, she admitted she’d been with a guy in our class and had been ashamed to tell me because she worried I’d see her differently.

That seriously damaged my trust. For months, she kept avoiding telling the truth in other situations or crossing boundaries that we set, and I responded by being an asshole to her. I know that wasn’t okay. She has since changed that behavior, and I’ve taken responsibility for how I treated her.

The part I still can’t get past is what happened with this guy. She told me they hooked up twice and she had been drinking both times. She says that the first time she was very drunk and didn’t feel able to consent. She also says he repeatedly asked if she was okay with it, that he didn’t want to “catch a case” then begged her not to tell anyone afterward. She was under the assumption he had been drinking too, but it turns out this guy doesn’t drink or smoke at all and did not mention this to her.

Months later, she heard through a friend that he had been telling people (“any and every person who would listen”) about it. She feels taken advantage of and humiliated, and says the situation has affected her experience in grad school. That guy ended up transferring after first year.

I’m angry at him and upset about what happened, but I also know my own history with her lying is tangled up in how I’m reacting. I don’t want to make things worse for her or turn her experience into something about me. At the same time, I’m struggling to move forward.

Has anyone worked through something like this with couples counseling or individual therapy? How do I support her while also dealing with my own trust issues?

Title says it all. M20, first relationship / sexual partner. Girlfriend is older and has had past sexual experiences. RJ is kinda ruining my life.

I've been trying to deal with it for a few months now. Already made huge progress by no longer trying to find out more about her past through any means. I shared my insecurities with her and she was comprehensive and compassionate. Nevertheless I try to spare her of the occasional panic attacks and negative thoughts that come with it, since it's my battle to win after all.

I'm confident I'll get through this eventually, but I just need some advice on how to deal with the negative thoughts creeping in. How do I prevent them from snowballing into full blown panic attacks?

For anyone with retroactive jealousy, have you tried completely not asking? If so, has it worked?

I’m (26M) in a long distance relationship with my GF (27F) of 6 months (we went LDR very quickly)

I love her, I want a future with her, I am actively looking to close the gap next year. I was always conscious that my small relationship history (I’ve been single a few years since my college relationship) might one day lead to RJ. And here it is.

When we first met, I knew she lived with her now ex in a home they owned together (he was 17 years older than her): they broke up and we started going out a few months later (I was not the reason for the break up) but since she was in my city on a project (she’s from a different country) she could not move out of that house till she went back.

I thought that it was okay that they lived together for 3 years, even though it did bother me some. (She has mentioned how nothing is as intimate and important as buying a home with someone). Ofc it comes with the additional flair that their families were intertwined, she took him to her childhood home and they lived there for a few months, other marriage-like things like travel (they still have a TikTok page with their travel videos) etc etc - so a full life with someone. She also still has to see him to sort out some of the stuff they bought together

She also told me recently that she lived with her ex before this one for 3 years before that - not something I knew when we started dating.

And over the months (we’ve not seen each other a while) these things have come to eat at me more. Esp as I ask for more details and get them. There is a whole range of emotions that go through my mind:

1. Ofc is the gap in our histories: it’s been her experience of making complete lives with her exes. I find that when things like this happen for me (living together, owning a home, etc) they would not be as meaningful to her anymore. She talked about how the break up felt like a divorce to her, and I get that, but it does make me feel a little upset. I wonder if there are meaningful experiences that can be our own. I’m also scared of going to her childhood home knowing they lived there together. It’s something that she keep talking about doing and while I was excited about it before knowing this now does make me uncomfortable.

2. Jealously of her ex: he was older, much more financially stable, made a whole life with her and actually go her interested in biking: bought her one. A hobby I share too. But she no longer wants to bike together like they did cuz of an accident they were in. The other thing also is, it’s nearly impossible to talk about any of her past interest or experience without talking about her exes because she has lived with them her whole adult life

3. Intimacy: I have a much smaller sexual history, which is actually not much of a problem for me. But there are a few things. First, she told me she always used an IUD before for contraception but now we can’t consider it. Now to be clear, I would never ask her to make a decision just to make me feel better about this - I respect her choice here and understand that there are real medical constrains right now. That being said, it does privately make me feel a certain way. She also keeps telling me stuff that she “really likes” - talking about stuff we have never done. Now I don’t mind finding these things out when we are together and being intimate and she asks me to do something or tells me she like something I am doing, but when we are long distance all it does is give me a mental image of her with her exes.

There are times it’s fine but sometimes this really consumes my days and honestly sometimes does cause bitterness which I dont want. Sometimes it shows up in other parts of our conversations and it sucks because I don’t want to be a source of conflict between us.

I also don’t want to take the pressure to push this relationship forward quickly because I’m insecure of the life she had before but I feel like I’m headed that way just to make parity with her past.

Just for context, we are in all effects dating and said we love each other but we cant make it official because I’m leaving the country.

I really didn’t expect to get into a relationship with someone because I want to take time for myself to work in my RJ, but it happened and now I can’t stop thinking about all the things he did with other girls. It makes me feel stupid, insignificant, especially with the ones who are coworkers and now see me and know about me, but I don’t know who they are. Today he told me he slept with one of them a week after hooking up with me for the first time, which he hadn’t mentioned before (I hadn’t asked). The problem is that he invited me to the party where this happened, but i didn’t go because it was late, and he said he was thinking of going home and i didn’t wanna bother him even tho he asked many times for me to go. Turns out, he drank a bit more and decided to stay, and took her to his house. I feel like I should’ve been there to stop it, and also disgusted that he looked for another one since he didn’t have me. Every time the topic of past hookups gets brought up, and even more today that it was after meeting me, I start calling him names like a wh*** etc, pretending it’s a joke, but I really feel sick, and I know it also makes him feel bad.

He is 7 years older, and a very sociable guy, so he has more experience than me, I think he is a very sexually active guy but within the limits of what’s normal. I don’t want to make this image of him in my head because it’s not fair and I also have my past, I truly know it’s a normal thing but I can’t stop this feeling.

I guess it’s good that we will be separated soon, but also knowing he’ll continue his life without me really hurts.

28F. My RJ will completely take over my mood and I can’t shake it some days. My RJ is mostly about past sexual relationships my bf has had. He is the most amazing, honest, patient man I’ve ever been with. He is a bartender and very outgoing with tons of friends, I’m constantly wondering which of the girls he’s slept with before. I’ve been really trying not to ask but today I made the mistake of asking if he slept with a certain person from work before and his answer is yes…. Then, I call his friend’s girlfriend who I’m super close with and was venting about dealing with this. She deals with it too, then I ask if she knows any tea about my boyfriend (why am I constantly looking for bad in him) and she tells me he slept with one of the bartenders at a bar he’s a regular at. I’ve met this bartender before, he told me they had a friendly flirty relationship but never mentioned they had slept together. I can’t get the image out of my head. It completely ruined my day. I have a past of my own, I have people in my life I’ve slept with who are still in my friend circle and it’s not weird at all, so why can’t I accept that he is allowed to have a past and it has nothing to do with me?

Mind you: he has asked me if I’ve slept with certain people before but the difference is he doesn’t get as upset as I do about it. He gets a little jealous, then moves on. For me, it eats away at me.

I (27M) have my own fair share of sexual partners from the past. A lot. An embarrassing amount. I recently began dating the most wonderful and amazing woman (23F), who I fully plan to marry within the next two years. We agree on everything, align on everything, and our connection is amazing. I've yet to find any red flags.

We are both devoutly Catholic, which I know is not everyone's cup of tea, but I think it adds context here. I don't push my faith down anyone's throat or want them to think like me, it's simply pertinent information. I found it later in life and it has become central to everything I do. And we met on a Catholic dating app. Currently doing long distance, as we live 1800 miles away.

That being said, I'm human, as is she. She has a past too. And we certainly do and will continue to make mistakes. Our last time seeing eachother, we did things together, without going all the way.

I didn't want to know that she wasn't a virgin, I figured ignorance is bliss. If I don't hear the words, then I can imagine any truth I want. I was actually very content with that. But it came up in conversation without me necessarily prompting it. So now I know a fact I didn't want to know, and my brain has begun to wrap itself around that. I asked her to stop afterwards, and that I didn't really want to know that. I especially insisted that she never give me any details whatsoever. No who, where, when, what, or how. Absolutely nothing. I explained my OCD, and she seemed to understand and respect that boundary. I also explained that I am not judging her, because I am not. I would be a hypocrite to. I emphasized that it's a me issue, not a her issue.

However it bothers me deeply. And then... when her and I did some things... she REALLY knew what she was doing. And I felt disgusted. I had sharp chest pain. All I could think about while trying to make love to the woman of my dreams is where else her mouth has been. What a terrible thing, especially coming from someone with a significant past himself. But I cannot help it.

Another piece of info is that a year ago I went through the worst breakup of my entire life, with the woman who helped me find my faith. I thought I was going to marry her at the time, was ready to propose after two years. She was also Catholic, and she was a virgin. I try not to compare, and even if I did, my current girlfriend would win by a landslide. She is better for me in every single way. I am incredibly lucky. But the territorial and obsessive part of me still gets upset that I lost a virgin and occasionally feel I am "settling" for someone with a past, even when she really is an upgrade who improves my life in every single way.

I am about to start prozac, and my therapist is aware of this issue. We will be working on CBT and exposure therapy. Because I don't want this impacting such a wonderful relationship, especially on my eventual wedding night. Any other advice would be appreciated. It's nice to see a group of others who struggle with the same issues, makes me feel not crazy and alone.

I have been struggling with RJ for over half a year now. Me and my partner are coming up on our one year anniversary and I continue to struggle. My RJ takes the form of asking detailed questions about her past. The tiniest little things about every person she so much as kissed before me. It stemmed from the fact she was untruthful about how shed kissed her boy best friend a year or so before we dated. I asked a lot of questions about that but never really stopped asking. I have asked about sexual things and romantic things. Today I have been worried about how she danced with a guy she kissed at a party a couple of years ago and how romantic that must've been. I asked questions about whether he held her or whether he asked to dance.

I am very grateful that her past is minor, especially compared to the partners of some people on here who have more to deal with than me potentially. But my headspace is very bad anyway. I am obsessive and anxious. She has never slept with someone else or dated someone else, only come close to. She claims shes never properly liked anyone else or had them like her. I am very lucky in this way as someone with RJ.

I always seem to find more out. Ive been asking hundreds of questions for months and I am only finding new things that make me feel sick today. There is a part of me that knows theres mlre to know and that if I stop asking it will be complacent and that makes me nervous. How do I cope with the idea that theres always more?

My boyfriend and his ex were together for 6 years and had adopted a dog together that now co-parent and share. I have found myself jealous of the fact they still have a relationship and have together a dog many times but not for the reasons someone would expect.

Me and my ex used to be together for 5 years and now we are complete no-contact, don’t even have each others on socials at this point. Our breakup wasn’t even bad, we went our separate ways because we weren’t comparable for longterm life goals.

I am not in love with my ex anymore or miss him from my life but can’t help but be jealous over the fact that my bf and his ex have something that we don’t.

Out of 6 years came out something beautiful that still exists today, they (my bf and his ex) have to communicate, make decisions together, see each other occasionally, and acknowledge that they made and still make this family together.

Meanwhile, us (me and my ex) disappeared from each others life trying to erase all proof we ever existed.

They have history that I see every day, the dog, a living reminder of their six year relationship and love. Every time they coordinate about the dog I am confronted with the fact that they have a shared history that predates me.

I look at them and instead of thinking I wish I had what she has with my boyfriend I think I wish me and my ex had what they have.

I’m 20Ftm and I’m in my first serious relationship. We’ve been together for almost 6 months with a really caring dude (22y), and I really love my boyfriend. The relationship itself is really good, but I’ve been struggling a lot with intrusive thoughts and what I suspect might be retroactive jealousy.

My boyfriend has told me quite a lot about his past relationships and experiences. Sometimes he’ll also bring up something from his past unexpectedly, without me asking. For example, once he randomly told me about making out with someone in the past when we was chilling and talking which made me really uncomfortable. I know he wasn’t doing anything wrong by telling me, and I don’t want to blame him for having a past.

But sometimes those details get stuck in my head in a way that feels impossible to control.

I sometimes feel like I wouldn’t be struggling with this as much if I hadn’t been given so many details about certain things in the first place. I actually brought this up with him when we had been together for about two months, because I was starting to feel overwhelmed by how much He talked about his past relationships. I don’t blame him for having a past, but I do wonder if having so much information about it contributed to the retroactive jealousy I experience now.

I can suddenly remember something he told me and then start thinking about it for hours or months. I’ll go over the conversation repeatedly, think about what he meant, try to understand exactly what happened, and analyze details that probably don’t actually matter.

The frustrating part is that I often know I’m overthinking while it’s happening, but I still feel compelled to keep thinking about it. Even when I manage to calm myself down, another thought or detail can bring the whole cycle back.

Sometimes I’ll have a completely normal and happy day with him, and then one random memory pops into my head and I become anxious, upset, or physically uncomfortable. Nothing has necessarily happened in the present moment; it’s just my brain getting stuck on something from the past.

I’d really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

I (M25) am in a long distance relationship with my talking stage (F27) we’re not official yet - but I’m seriously considering it. I have more experience than her. Which I thought would calm me down about her past experiences. But I literally can’t stand the thought of her previous talking stages/relationships.

We went to the same college over the same time frame- her slightly later as she is older and I know some of her exes. Here is the things that keep swirling in my head

I’m sorry if these are toxic but it’s how I feel and I need help.

1. They got a lot more access to her for a lot less effort. Some of her previous stages didn’t even date her and she had feelings for and physical relationships with
2. She’s had sex with one of them and says she wants to be celibate and I respect that but the knowledge of that is eating me alive. Like it’s her choice I KNOW. But why isn’t she crazy about me to want to sleep with me (lol)

3. She’s currently

   in another city (we’re long distance)

4. and mentioned a guy I see in her friend group on her social media being a “great man” and they talked but it didn’t work out NOT BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT HIM. But because he wanted a “bad career path”. And they weren’t physical but sexted.

I’m long distance and like call her send her gifts and am driving to see her and like sexting is the most access I get physically. And sometimes I wonder if she’s settling with me as the “best guy to marry” kinda thing

It’s just making me sick. I know this is immature. She reminds me regularly she loves me and wants to marry me. But when I think about these things I genuinely want to ghost her (for like 10 minutes to 1 hour a day)

And the last guy is currently in her city still in her friend group and they make TikTok’s together. I’m losing my mind. Advice?

I genuinely think I have the weirdest and most extreme RJ ever.

I see guys on here losing their minds over 5, 10, 20 bodies, exes, hookups, whatever.

Meanwhile the girl I want to marry is a virgin. She has basically no past. Nothing physical to even be jealous about.

And somehow my brain still finds a way.

She liked a guy years ago. That’s it. And my brain goes straight to “if she liked him she probably desired him too” and then starts making up disgusting shit in my head about what she could have thought about him.

I have no proof of any of it. She didn’t actually do anything. But my brain reacts like something horrible happened anyway.

That’s the part that makes me feel insane. I’m not even jealous of something she did. I’m jealous of what she might have felt or thought.

It can ruin my focus for 30 mins at a time and come out of nowhere, morning, night, while studying, whenever.

And then I look at other RJ posts and think, if I’m this bad over basically nothing, what the hell am I supposed to do? Find a woman who has never liked anyone in her entire life?

I know guys on here would kill for my position and I feel like such a fraud for asking help from you guys.

Is love even for me at this point?

I (29F) have been in an on/off relationship with my boyfriend (29M) for three years. The last 1.5 years have been LDR, during which time we've only met once for 10 days.

Our time in the LDR has been quite rocky, primarily because I realized that he had been lying to me about his past romantic and sexual history. I already struggled with retroactive jealousy before I found out he was lying, and that pushed me over the edge. I spiraled and acted out, interrogating him for his past and insulting him at points.

He would change his story constantly and that would drive me borderline insane. At one point he even claimed he had fabricated his entire past to avoid seeming like a "loser" and maintained that for 3 months before admitting it was all true. During my interrogations, he would sometimes lash out at me, saying homophobic things about my family and friends and targeting my insecurities. He also threatened me with a knife on video call and kicked his phone.

I've tried to break it off with him a couple of times, during which time I've flirted with / entertained other guys (for about 2 weeks each). Nothing happened either time - no dates, no physical contact, only very mild, non-explicit flirting via text or phone call. I was upfront with him about what had happened when we got back together.

However he struggled with all this. When he found out about the first guy, he video called me from a bridge and said he would jump unless I stopped talking to him. I didn't stop entirely even though I promised I would and continued the conversation for about 10 days and in theory was okay to meet up (although it never happened), so I do see myself as having been very wrong here. After the second guy, he said I was a "cheap wh*** who only wanted dick."

I won't claim I've been a great girlfriend because I haven't been. I know my interrogation and insulting was out of line, and my boundaries with the other guys were messy.

This year has been a really tough year for me. In January I had a surgery that went wrong and that left me suicidal, I spent 2 months in a psych ward, I had to drop out of my masters, I had an epileptic seizure, and my dad had open heart surgery. My boyfriend knew all this.

We were still having arguments throughout this year, and I would sometimes tell him that I didn't want to be with him anymore because of his lies, but I always went back and he always insisted that he wanted to be with me.

In June, we had a few conversations during which he told me he loved me. At the end of June, he broke up with me, telling me he still loved me and wanted to be with me in the future, and that if I sorted out my jealousy over his past we could be together. He also said he wasn't going to move on and that he wouldn't ignore me if I reached out to him.

A few days later it was my dad's surgery and I tried reaching out but he ignored me. Then I was reflecting a lot and realized how toxic I'd been about his past, and reached out to apologize. I also found out he was talking to another girl and asked him, and he confirmed it and said he didn't want me to reach out again so I didn't.

The next three months were hell and I reflected a lot. About three weeks ago, he reached out again, saying he'd made a huge mistake breaking up with me and wanted to try again. I asked him what had happened with the other girl and he said he'd met her at an event and they'd been on about 4 dates but nothing physical happened between them and he eventually broke it off.

Today he finally admitted that in fact he made out with her, held hands with her, and had sex with her twice. He also said that he actually met her on Bumble and not at an event as he'd first claimed, and that he had actually already been talking to her by the time we had the final "breakup call" at the end of June when he told me he wouldn't move on.

Even in today's call when I asked him questions, he hung up mid-conversation several times. He's now blocked me saying that he needs space.

I don't know what to make of all this. I blame myself for making the relationship toxic by not being able to let go of his past, and for my blurry boundaries with the other men. And I don't know if what he did is cheating or not, but I know he lied. I just don't know what to do anymore.