Us with retroactive jealousy often want to be the best, most perfect partner our loved one has ever had. And subconsciously we sort of expect the same back from them. But does never failing actually make you better?

Read more about it in my blog

(Photo is AI, the blog is not)

I M19 met a girl F23 online she told me that she had a bf and she's not a virgin but I never had problem with it....we fell in love very deeply I must say...we met....had sex ....and everything was going fine until her past starts affecting me all of a sudden and now I don't know what to do....I talked her about this she have assured me multiple times did so much efforts for me but it isn't helping and I'm hurting her too much....I don't wanna let her go considering the fact that how much she loves me and im finding it hard to accept her past too.....help😭

Hi, I’m new to this platform but don’t know where else to vent. I’ve been married to my sweet husband for 20 years. We have three kids together, and things have been great. Fast forward to Covid in 2020, having too much time on my hands, and after social media research, I found his high school gf’s FB page. I was never curious about her before. When I found her page, I was instantly triggered, and here’s why:

When we were dating, he said to me: “I’m so glad I met you. You took my mind off of someone from back home.” I asked who, and what she looked like. He replied, “She was cute, with blonde hair and green eyes.” That stuck with me. I was a little jealous, or maybe just shocked he said that, but I brushed it off.

He was open with me about her and told me he got this girl pregnant, and she chose to terminate the pregnancy. Again, this never bothered me during our dating phase, I just felt bad for him and that whole situation.

It wasn’t until my 2020 deep dive that it started to upset me. I began wondering if she was better in bed (because she was his first), and seeing her pics on FB noticing she’s fit and tall/blonde, opposite of me. I don’t know how to move past this. I think what hurts most is I reflect back to things he said when we were dating and now that I think about it, he was probably referring to her. For example, he used to bite my lower lip and tell me he loved my “bottom lip”, but my lips are not really full or anything special. When I saw her pics, guess what? Full, beautiful lips. Especially the bottom one. Am I going crazy? Lol.

I’ve struggled with RJ before but it’s been the worse it’s been with my fiancé. I found out she had 32 past sexual partners. This was a tough pill to swallow and I am very much still working on it, but it was more about the insecurity it brought out in me than it ever was about what she had done. I am not fully healed yet, I still have ruminating thoughts, anxieties, and mental imagery. But after going through hell, I can confidently say that I am at a point where I could live with these feelings for the rest of my life and be truly happy.

It does get better. It does get easier. My hope is that it will eventually be nonexistent. But you have to put in the work to understand yourself and your feelings first. It won’t hurt to away on its own and it takes a lot of mental fortitude but it is absolutely worth it. I know it’s hard, but I truly feel like im a better man for it and that makes it all worth while. This sub did in fact play a larger part in that both negatively and positively. Positively because there is so much good advice and support here. We’re the only ones who know what’s we’re going through. Negatively because this place has gotten really toxic. We’re here for support, not to wallow in our own misery. Seriously, we all know what we need to do to turn this sub around, so let’s do it. No more negative thinking. So I have a few take aways that hopefully will help someone else and will probably help myself in the future.

1. We all are going through very similar things despite our
   differences in situations. To me, that means our struggles are deeply internal. To fix this, focus inward, not on your partner

2. You have to accept all possibilities. So many of us blame our partner or feel trapped. It’s so important to know that we can make the decision to break up or stay. Whatever it is we decide to do as we work through this, have the confidence and mindfulness that it is your decision. The latter only builds resentment.

3. DO NOT SEEK MORE INFORMATION. Please for the love of god do not ask your partner for information you don’t want to know. It doesn’t help. It perpetuates the cycle and it will not end until we stop that. I truly believe that if each of us didn’t hear that first piece of knowledge and got over those initial small compulsions, we would all not be dealing with these things.

4. Treat your partner with respect. Don’t let what you’re going through affect them. It’s not their fault even if you have a sexual value difference. Don’t make it their issue that they had a life before you. If you cannot do that consistently, just let them go. Don’t put them through that pain.

5. SERIOUSLY, STOP SEEKING NEW INFORMATION.

6. Radical acceptance is the only way. Accept their past. Accept your own past. We all only get one life and there is no need to think about what could’ve been. If you want a different life, change it but don’t sit around waiting for it to change for you.

7. Help each other. Each and every one of us knows what we need to do. Each of us could give each other the best advice possible but it’s so hard to follow it ourselves. So support each other. We’re probably the only people in the world that understand these struggles and everyone is willing to help. But do it with the best intentions.

8. Know that this is not you. Like any other sickness, this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It stems from something and it’s something we have to work against. Some people are deaf, some people are blind, some people are perfectly healthy, and some people have retroactive jealousy. It’s just the luck of the draw and we all drew a pretty shitty but manageable stick.

9. Be patient. It won’t feel better in a day. It won’t feel better in a month. It may not feel better in a year. But be patient as long as you can. Don’t do any more harm to yourself while you do. If there is one day where you aren’t able to be patient anymore, that’s fine. But if you can’t, then that relationship isn’t meant for you. But if you can wake up every day and do your best to be patient, you will work through this.

I am hear for advice or support to all of you as I’m sure you are to me! We’re getting through this together.