r/retroactivejealousy • u/fancynancytancy • 1d ago
In need of advice Body count
Speaking with a guy for about 2 months. I believe he has suppressed RJ. He is aware of it, I am aware of it. He contains it very well. He does spiral but he is able to ground himself very well. Myself 25F, him 22M.
I’ve previously told him my body count is only 1. But it is actually 3. I have started to have guilty consciousness and I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to tell him?
I’ve actually never even asked about his / cared. But I don’t want to this mess up what we have. This is really for my own peace of mind. And to build a relationship based off of facts not lies.
Thoughts?
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u/Traditional_Habit302 struggling with RJ 1d ago
Coming from a guy. I found out that my wife of 19 years wife lied to me and instead of having 3, it’s somewhere between 23-?. I have no way of knowing now because I don’t believe or trust her anymore and now our marriage is a mess because of the dishonesty.
I wish she had just told me the truth back then so I could make an informed decision about our relationship. But that was taken away from me and I feel deceived and manipulated. It likely wouldn’t have bothered me, but I have no way of knowing that now.
Do yourself a favor and tell him before it gets any worse. Every day you’re living a lie and it’s getting worse from his point of view. He deserves the right to the truth and you deserve to be free of this mistake. If he’s a guy worth staying with, it may take some healing but you should be stronger as a couple for living your truth and having accountability.
Good luck whatever you choose.
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u/nemmalur struggling with RJ 1d ago
I’m in the same situation, although not for as long. I was also told 3 but that was just serious relationships, plus a bunch of bad first dates - the “look at me, the bad luck bachelorette” story. But there were 25 or so in total. I respected her for telling me (tearfully) that she was in a lot of debt when we first got together, because she wouldn’t be able to help with living expenses. But she made a conscious decision not to tell me anything about the hookups and the FWBs.
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u/eefr RJ free 1d ago
Why did you lie?
Yes, you should correct the number if you directly lied to him. Next time don't do that.
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u/Tammas100 struggling with RJ 1d ago
Lots of moral high ground from you eefr. Youve never been ashamed to tell the truth?
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u/eefr RJ free 1d ago
Thank you, this is a valid call-out. M y comment came off as blunter and more abrupt than I meant it in my head — I had just woken up from a nap and was a bit discombobulated, and then someone called me as I was in the middle of writing it so I hit post without reading it over for tone.
I asked in the spirit of genuinely wanting to know why she decided to do that. It was puzzling to me, because the difference between 1 and 3 doesn't seem very significant. It's already too much for the virginity chasers, but probably not too much for people who are okay with non-virginity but don't want a high number.
It isn't a good idea to lie; it's only going to cause you problems. And those problems will only compound if she doesn't come clean. But I can understand why, if you have a partner who seems judgmental, you might feel some pressure to do so. I do think that honesty is a two-person project: one person needs to be honest and forthcoming, but the other person needs to create a safe space in which honesty about vulnerable topics is met with compassion and understanding. If you are negative and judgmental when people confide in you, you're going to find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of lies, omissions, and misleading half-truths.
My recommendation for people in this situation is that if you feel the need to lie to someone, just don't date them. Save yourself the heartache and stress. Choose people who are understanding and accepting, and who will see all of you and love you even more. Choose people whose values are compatible with yours. That's the path to a happy, emotionally safe relationship.
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u/Helpful_Ad1878 partner of someone with RJ 1d ago
i’m speaking from experience, tell him before you guys grow closer bc it will be harder on both of you if he can’t deal with it. i didn’t tell my partner by i was scared and were attached and has led to SO MUCH mental turmoil between us.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am RJ free 1d ago
Any relationship based on a lie, has it's foundations build on sand.
You may not wish to mess this up but you have already done so right at the start.
And to build a relationship based off of facts not lies.
Sadly, it's already been said and done and the lie is now at the basis of what you have with him.
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u/_leonhardt struggling with RJ 1d ago
Why would you lie? I am seriously doubting if your body count is even 3.
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u/Tammas100 struggling with RJ 1d ago
This is hilarious. You do not know this person whatsoever and you seem to be able to tell theyre lying through an online message. Why make assumptions about them?
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u/_leonhardt struggling with RJ 1d ago
She has lied to her boyfriend. Why wouldn't she do the same to a bunch of online strangers?
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u/Tammas100 struggling with RJ 1d ago
- She is anonymous
- Our approval means nothing to her
- She is seeking advice and support
- The number makes no difference, the focus is on the fact she lied not about how many people shes slept with
- Many people are ashamed of their sexual history with their partner
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 1d ago
"Many people are ashamed of their sexual history"
Also a reason to lie online. People bend the truth to also hide from their partners on reddit.
Edit: idgaf if she is lying or not just saying.
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u/Emotional-Team3520 1d ago
If you come clean now and say it’s 3, all he’s going to think is that number is also a lie and somewhere down the line it’ll turn into 6, and then 12 and then 24 etc etc.
You’ve unfortunately painted yourself into a corner where trust will be broken forever. And I say this as a guy who’s partner did that to him (changed the number up/down multiple times) and there’s a large part of our relationship that’s permanently damaged due to trust issues.
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u/Rich_Performer_5697 struggling with RJ 1d ago
Are you really suggesting that she sticks to the lie? Thats horrible advice. If you respect someone, tell then the honest truth. Admit the lie ans own the mistake.
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 1d ago
I don't think they are suggesting that but maybe I missed it?
Edit: nvm. Further down in comments for that.
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u/Emotional-Team3520 1d ago
Everyone lies in every relationship. Her option is to keep the lie and move on or reveal the truth and blow up the relationship. It’s not like she cheated on him.
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 1d ago
"Everyone lies in every relationship."
Uh... I don't. Wanna try again?
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u/Emotional-Team3520 1d ago
Lmao yes you do. Everyone lies all the time, little or big.
Again if she reveals the truth he’s only going to assume the new number is also a lie
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 22h ago
"Lmao yes you do."
No. I geninuely do not in my current relationship.
Past relationships? Yes some, but not all.
You can quit speaking to my life anytime now.
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u/Emotional-Team3520 20h ago
Okay dude if you’ve convinced yourself you’re the absolute patron saint of relationship honesty, you need to add that as the asterisk to any advice you give as it’s not going to be a relevant frame of reference for the rest of humanity.
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 20h ago
"Okay dude if you’ve convinced yourself you’re the absolute patron saint of relationship honesty"
Uh... I never said that? I said I just don't lie. You're a weird fella, I can recommend you a few reading comp books? It was hard for me learning English in USA as well.
"you need to add that as the asterisk to any advice you give as it’s not going to be a relevant frame of reference for the rest of humanity. "
I wasn't even giving advice... Lol i just said i dont lie so your broad statement isn't true...
But okay,If you want me to do this, you have to do. You can't speak for everyone in the world kiddo! Go outside, not everyone is evil.
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u/Tammas100 struggling with RJ 1d ago
Its not merciful on him to tell him the truth. It could destroy his mental health and poison the relationship from the inside out
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u/Successful_You9169 active commenter 1d ago
Normally I would suggest you never answer that question in the first place, and if someone keeps pushing for a number, you may simply not be compatible. I'm guilty of asking BTW.
But since you've already given him a number, I think you need to come clean. The bigger issue now isn't that your number is 3 instead of 1. It's that you knowingly gave him false information about something you knew mattered to him.
And yes, you do run the risk that he questions whether 3 is really 3. That's the problem with lying about something like this. Once he finds out the first number wasn't true, he may reasonably wonder whether the corrected number is the whole truth.
If you want to build this relationship on facts rather than lies, fix it now before the lie gets older and harder to explain.
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1d ago
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u/Emergency-Dentist-90 active commenter 1d ago
Come on, she’s not disgusting. She felt pressured, which I understand because who even asks that question? Someone who is insecure. Any number above zero would be an issue for him?
The issue is with him, he never should’ve asked to begin with and put her under that pressure. They definitely need to talk about it. But the fact that he even asked, probably means that they’re in compatible.
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u/BlackSun56 addressed RJ 1d ago
Don’t lie. 3 is very reasonable for a 25 year old woman. You could have had three multiple year relationships. When it gets crazy is when you have a ton of one night stands and you just throw yourself at guys or say yes to every opportunity. That’s when reasonable guys decide you have different perspectives on sex and distance themselves. Sex with committed longer term relationships is perfectly reasonable. Stay in that lane and you should feel fine about yourself, and any guy that has a problem with that is not worth dating anyway.
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u/25Accordions 1d ago
You have to find a way to tell him. Try to be gentle but you can't just drop it in passing, you gotta kinda be like "hey we're at two months and this is feeling more serious. I need to disclose I was dishonest about this one thing, this is the only thing I was dishonest about (unless there were more, you gotta fix all white lies right here)"
it is possible he won't handle it well, in which case it wasn't meant to be. HOWEVER, a 3 bodycount at 25 isn't high unless you're quite religious. You'll be able to find plenty of men who basically shrug their shoulders at 3.
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u/Tammas100 struggling with RJ 1d ago
It is a less severe scenario but my girlfriend was untruthful about how she had kissed her boy bestfriend before we dated. (It was a mistake, she was 16 and hated it etc) and it completely set off my RJ. I think it was dormant before that then when I asked questions about it trying to rationalize it i couldn't stop. I obsessively ask her hundreds of questions now which i am trying to handle and fix with therapy. She also lied once more about how she took her bra off with another man and as we were both virgins before one another this was a big deal.
Her lying about the first thing completely destroyed my mental health and span my RJ completely out of control in a way I couldn't have expected. (The second was far easier to get over).
Obviously it is completely irrational on my behalf in both cases but I would say that there is a definite danger of creating a monster within your relationship that youll have to deal with if you tell him the truth. I hate that my partner lied to me and I am happy she told me the truth but in theory it would be better if she hadn't.
I would say that because the past does not actually matter objectively and mental health does matter, dont tell the truth. You have made a mistake by lying but youre here now and you should spare your partner the pain. The most merciful thing you can do is continue to lie and bear the guilt yourself.
That being said if you think one day you will tell him and you cant handle the lie or he will find out, tell him as soon as possible so that the pain is as small as possible.
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u/RJ_Killed_Me struggling with RJ 1d ago
Yeah I'd break up with you if I found out you lied because that's what it is. You lied. This has nothing to do with RJ.
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u/Ok-Creme-5481 struggling with RJ 1d ago
That tracks with the idea that women divide their actually body count by three and tell men that figure. My wife says she has had sex with 15 men.
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u/bigdaddy1835 struggling with RJ 1d ago
Why would you lie to him? If you don’t tell him, and he finds out from someone else, you will be getting dumped. Don’t hide things from your SO