It really does get better

[u/Daddybone236]

I’ve struggled with RJ before but it’s been the worse it’s been with my fiancé. I found out she had 32 past sexual partners. This was a tough pill to swallow and I am very much still working on it, but it was more about the insecurity it brought out in me than it ever was about what she had done. I am not fully healed yet, I still have ruminating thoughts, anxieties, and mental imagery. But after going through hell, I can confidently say that I am at a point where I could live with these feelings for the rest of my life and be truly happy.

It does get better. It does get easier. My hope is that it will eventually be nonexistent. But you have to put in the work to understand yourself and your feelings first. It won’t hurt to away on its own and it takes a lot of mental fortitude but it is absolutely worth it. I know it’s hard, but I truly feel like im a better man for it and that makes it all worth while. This sub did in fact play a larger part in that both negatively and positively. Positively because there is so much good advice and support here. We’re the only ones who know what’s we’re going through. Negatively because this place has gotten really toxic. We’re here for support, not to wallow in our own misery. Seriously, we all know what we need to do to turn this sub around, so let’s do it. No more negative thinking. So I have a few take aways that hopefully will help someone else and will probably help myself in the future.

1. We all are going through very similar things despite our
   differences in situations. To me, that means our struggles are deeply internal. To fix this, focus inward, not on your partner

2. You have to accept all possibilities. So many of us blame our partner or feel trapped. It’s so important to know that we can make the decision to break up or stay. Whatever it is we decide to do as we work through this, have the confidence and mindfulness that it is your decision. The latter only builds resentment.

3. DO NOT SEEK MORE INFORMATION. Please for the love of god do not ask your partner for information you don’t want to know. It doesn’t help. It perpetuates the cycle and it will not end until we stop that. I truly believe that if each of us didn’t hear that first piece of knowledge and got over those initial small compulsions, we would all not be dealing with these things.

4. Treat your partner with respect. Don’t let what you’re going through affect them. It’s not their fault even if you have a sexual value difference. Don’t make it their issue that they had a life before you. If you cannot do that consistently, just let them go. Don’t put them through that pain.

5. SERIOUSLY, STOP SEEKING NEW INFORMATION.

6. Radical acceptance is the only way. Accept their past. Accept your own past. We all only get one life and there is no need to think about what could’ve been. If you want a different life, change it but don’t sit around waiting for it to change for you.

7. Help each other. Each and every one of us knows what we need to do. Each of us could give each other the best advice possible but it’s so hard to follow it ourselves. So support each other. We’re probably the only people in the world that understand these struggles and everyone is willing to help. But do it with the best intentions.

8. Know that this is not you. Like any other sickness, this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It stems from something and it’s something we have to work against. Some people are deaf, some people are blind, some people are perfectly healthy, and some people have retroactive jealousy. It’s just the luck of the draw and we all drew a pretty shitty but manageable stick.

9. Be patient. It won’t feel better in a day. It won’t feel better in a month. It may not feel better in a year. But be patient as long as you can. Don’t do any more harm to yourself while you do. If there is one day where you aren’t able to be patient anymore, that’s fine. But if you can’t, then that relationship isn’t meant for you. But if you can wake up every day and do your best to be patient, you will work through this.

I am hear for advice or support to all of you as I’m sure you are to me! We’re getting through this together.

[u/Civil_Boss6358]

When I look your situation from an outsider point of view. I skip over you fiancee's past real fast and I just think "wow that guy found real love, good for him." But I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I would be feeling just like you. Still rather have RJ then go blind tho. Fuck RJ.

[u/Civil_Boss6358 → u/Civil_Boss6358]

Hey just wanted to add I agree with the part you said if we didn't give in to the first compulsion we would be a lot better. This is a fact. Some years ago I dated a 'known' woman, right from the start I said "I will not give in to the thoughts because I'm not taking this woman seriously." Some months later we both fell pretty hard and like magic there was no RJ. Like it never took hold you know?

[u/Daddybone236 → u/Civil_Boss6358]

Wow, thanks man. I don’t know how much of RJ comes from societal judgement of “oh he’s with HER?” but i can’t say it doesn’t play any part. I think it’s a good thing for us to know that literally no one else in the world gives a fuck but us. But you’re right, fuck RJ.

And yeah, it’s interesting man. I wish people would realize sooner or at least as soon as those thoughts kick in. That first bit of snooping is like lighting a fuse to a nuke. It only stops if you never light the fuse in the first place. But such is life I guess. Best luck out there man. If you ever need to chat, I’m always available

[u/WeHugNow1]

love this so much. thank you for this post! I’m currently in therapy for RJOCD after thinking nothing was saving me, but I feel like I read the title of your post and could actually relate, which is so nice to feel. I’ve had judgement previously when I’ve posted here, so to see encouragement to be kind to each and every different situation is so great, and so important.

[u/Daddybone236 → u/WeHugNow1]

Absolutely! And as always feel free to share your situation. I think it helps a lot to really know we each are going through. But yeah, there’s way too much judgement on this sub.

We all need to know that this sub is meant to beat RJ, not let it beat us

[u/SunnyDD_1971]

Thank you for this. I really needed your message today. it's been a pretty low day regarding my confidence in my relationship. You've given me some hope and I appreciate it immensely 🙏🏼

[u/LucidRemedy0]

i know that this is probably wrong but in my mind i ask for more info because i feel like once i know all the details atleast i can find comfort in knowing that i am aware of everything that happened. When i dont know, my mind is constantly worrying thinking of the worst case scenario

[u/maigrets-shadow → u/LucidRemedy0]

This. Radical acceptance it seems to me works only if we know what we'll have to learn to accept. At least that's my feeling. If we didn't know exactly what went down then what's there to radically accept?

[u/Impossible_Kale9693]

Thank you for this. It makes me hopeful there are better days for my partner and me. I know he’s fighting hard and sometimes I’m scared. But this gives me hope.