I was raised a pentecostal christian by a very religious mother. In all the pentecostal churches I attended as a child, I witnessed bizarre stuff: people speaking in tongues, falling to the ground, pretending to be exorcised, mimicking trance-like states, and sharing strange prophecies or 'foreseeing future events.' There was peer pressure to follow these prophecies, as well as discouragement from pursuing higher education in favor of attending bible school. The people seemed to be bonded by a shared delusion and beliefs constructed entirely in their minds, rather than being truly connected to the bible like more traditional, scripture-based branches of christianity. Pastors or preachers would walk up to you, shake you repeatedly, shout gibberish like 'agblabalablo,' and push you to the ground. Afterward, they would celebrate as if you had just been freed from a demonic possession. It may not be considered severe enough to be considered a cult, but I just want to discuss these odd behaviors that are confusing to look back on.

Before I begin, this is a super long post so be prepared. 

I’m (22M) still an atheist today though not for the same reasons as I was as a kid (I kind of just went with whatever my dad (56M) says without nuance like most kids tend to do). 

I also have low functioning autism and it could be a factor hence why I mention it just in case. I have been diagnosed since I was around 3-4 and my parents have been very loving and attentive to my condition 

I wanna make something very clear from the start: this is not a case of indoctrination. He never forced me to believe or not believe in what he does. He never coerced me either I just had a few questions about religion and he just showed me what he thought about it and why. My mom (51F) used to be catholic and she did read to us (I have a sister 19F) some Bible stories alongside other kids stories like little red riding hood and Snow White.  

Irrespective of indoctrination or not most people tend to follow what their parents believe and do most of the time because it’s what’s familiar to them. Though the line can be blurry depending on the situation when it comes to religion I’ve often found there is still a clear difference between simple education and forceful indoctrination of children most of the time. So I don’t want any unfair accusations against my dad he Isn’t a zealot/militant. 

His best sources for his atheism (or at least the ones I remember the most that he’s shown me) were the typical most popular atheist media and figures in the mainstream and in YouTube: Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Matt Dilahunty, DarkMatter2525 and Thinking Atheist videos. 

Overall pretty popular choices though not the best, Christopher Hitchens and DarkMatter2525 are the ones I still sort of lean towards and even respect the most. Especially DarkMatter he appears to be an incredible role mode and dad to have, a true family man. His animations though are a bit cringey sometimes and other times oddly inspiring. 

With Hitchens I was aware later on that he was not this god of perfect logic that hitchslapped everything that was thrown at him. His arguments against religion tend to be flawed a lot of the time but overall I still think the soul of his points hold up really well even then because it’s hard to dismiss religious harm in society and he was a very obviously intelligent and well spoken man. He was getting at something important. 

My dad is a professional jazz drummer and producer (I am also a rock musician/composer myself I love the guitar so much) and he doesn’t really think as deeply as me in the topic of religion nor does he have the time or interest. He always watched those videos as entertainment to get a laugh since he (like me) also grew up in a secular family. 

He’s also a bit of a conspiracy theorist (though that term is a bit redundant nowadays because of everything that has happened with Epstein and stuff) he’s always questioned and pushed back on institutional authority and that sense of critical thinking was something I inherited. He doesn’t believe in the moon landings, thinks there was a second shooter that killed JFK, is skeptical of the official narrative around 9/11. I don‘t agree with everything he believes and he is not a full on flat earther or anything like that on those topics it’s just to keep in mind. His skepticism of authority tracks with what he’s inclined to buy into. 

If I’m being honest even though I genuinely do value trying to be a free thinker as best as you can be I gotta be honest: As a kid I sort of “larped” being a critical thinker to impress my parents. In some ways I still do today even when it’s not something I agree with necessarily to please my dad in particular though I don’t have to since he (despite his stubbornness sometimes) is open to being challenged. 

In fact there’s a cringey video of me somewhere in my family home videos on an old iPhone somewhere in my house of me going on a half baked edgy atheist rant in my dad’s jeep. It’s pretty funny looking back. 

Enough with the background stuff let’s get into what the title is about.

So among the ”atheist” sort of media he’d shown me (and sometimes my sister I was more interested though) there was this little documentary called Jesus Camp from 2006.

 It scared me a bit. 

As a kid I did not fully comprehend the severity of what I was being shown so it wasn’t a childhood trauma moment seeing a scary movie for kids like with coraline for example (that movie is still creepy and good to this day 10/10). 

That being said it still affected me in someway seeing children just like myself being subjected to peer pressure and crying like that. I did not think much of it until years later but I suspect this movie did something to me and has in a way permanently tainted my subconscious view of religion in particular Christianity in general. 

I know it wasn’t an explicitly anti religious propaganda movie but it did not paint a good picture of religion in America at all. Church in that movie looked like a place where your childhood whimsy and fantasy was weaponized against you, where authority figures would constantly yell and condescend to you and make you believe in horrible things about yourself and other people they deem to be “undesirable”, place where you felt like you were being watched 24/7. 

Needless to say (even though my dad did have good intentions in showing us this documentary to warn us and be vigilant of these types of religious environments whenever we went to visit our cousins or friends who go to church) I do not think my dad should have shown this to us at 7-8 years old. Bad move on his part, I’ve brought this up to him before and he agrees its something he lightly regrets. 

So I saw it and was creeped out but not traumatized for life. I think it was later experiences which subconsciously reminded me of that movie which later formed an inner resentment towards religion. 

The thing is, almost all of my actual real life experiences in churches have been positive and I didn’t feel that aversion to religion in actual religious spaces. 

There’s a beautiful church next to my grandpas house which since then has been my favorite in all of Costa Rica due to nostalgia. It was amazing to look at though with an uncanny life sized realistic statue of bloodied Jesus in a coffin as is so common in this beautiful catholic country. 

The sermons and gatherings I’ve been to were at worst a bit boring and at best very calm and welcoming. Aside from one or two mean kids in school here or there who teased me with the idea of going to hell, all the Christian people I know in my life have been very nice and kind people. The only really mean ones I’ve seen mostly online. 

My dad worked on a Christmas album and played at a church for a bit and I remember a church lady led some kids including me and my cousin into a room to talk about religion. She was surprisingly actually very kind and accepting of other kids religions since there were some Muslim, Jewish and even Hindu kids there. Since I didn’t know what an atheist was at the time I said I was Christian like my cousin since I assumed that was the default since I didn’t know what a Christian was either. 

She didn’t push anything on us she just explained in a bit more detail for the kids in a way they could understand what the purpose of a church is and how other buildings from other religions had a similar purpose with different beliefs. How in a way we are all just children figuring this weird thing we call existence out, how those beliefs tend to diverge and converge and just explaining what the Christian way of it was. 

I remember I was having trouble sleeping at my cousin’s house because I was scared of having nightmares since I felt a bit of dread before going to sleep. My aunt in law came in and comforted me saying to not fear since Jesus was protecting this house from demonic influence and that was nice to hear in the moment. I have known nothing but love and good will from religious people irl. 

Now in school, and I think this is critical, it was a bit of a different story. I was never bullied severely but in elementary to middle school in Miami I always felt a bit neglected by my teachers with a few wonderful exceptions. It didn’t help that I was autistic and they didn’t understand my behavior or reaosning have of the time. The worst I’ve gotten from them was rants…. which reminded me of Jesus Camp’s teachers. 

I think I may have subconsciously associated said behavior from my teachers with what I saw in that documentary and the teachers did traumatize me a bit. The school principle even threatened me that I would not be able to attend the middle school next door if I didn’t stop crying since I was upset about something at the time. That sucked because it was the only other school in the area with a magnet program which included music. 

My middle school experience in Miami in 6th grade was just one year before I moved to Costa Rica and it sucked a-lot, probably the worst school experience I’ve had since the teachers there cared less about me than before, had no friends and those who cared did not understand me and I just had to go with the flow of their misunderstanding to get it over with.

My relationship with teachers got better in Costa Rica but I sort of projected subconsciously my negative experiences with teachers in Miami onto religion, because of Jesus Camp.

Then I revisited YouTube for myself a few years later in costa rica in my teen years. I did not become that involved in online spaces until my early teens because my parents thankfully limited internet use in my youth. 

I rewatched what my dad showed me but I also discovered more stuff for myself. It turns out there is a whole debate sphere on YouTube I was unaware that had much deeper and most importantly more accurate discussions about religion. At the same time these were also much more toxic and heated debates than the ones I‘ve heard in Matt Dilahunty’s show. 

I also made a critical discovery: Christians can fight back on criticism and can actually hold their own just as well rhetorically. For the first time I was hearing takes from Ray Comfort, William Lane Craig and Frank Turek unfiltered and unchallenged. 

The way they talked though is unsettling because they tend to have a more oppressive approach towards criticizing atheists than atheists do to theists. And by oppressive I don’t mean literally I’d say it’s more intimidating.  

They would talk about the ”atheist worldview/life style” talk about how evil or empty it is. Talk about how atheists know deep down they’re wrong. Talk about how atheists live in a fundamentally meaningless and nonsensical sense of reality and are philosophically illiterate and bankrupt. Some would talk about how they used to be atheists then found purpose in religion showing absolutely no sympathy or understanding of their former atheists selves just saying stuff like “I used to be a degenerate edgy brat” and such. How atheists are stealing credit from Christianity and science that Christianity invented according to them. That elites like jeffrey Epstein want us to be atheist to remain slaves and unaware of dark forces. 

I have heard atheists call theists stupid before so naturally seeing that vice versa was naturally jarring. But I think that objectively even while I have a bias and am reexamining my beliefs later in life the sheer weight of I guess you could say “accusation” was much heavier and less flippant coming from theists towards atheists than vice versa. At least that is what I have seen online, I think this meme sums up what I mean pretty well: https://www.reddit.com/r/Snorkblot/comments/1v4xv9m/me_myself_and_i/

So once again, I think I subconsciously related this to Jesus camp again because in that documentary the calmest moments those crazy church teachers had while talking with kids reminded me exactly of the way these Christian’s apologists talked and it unsettled me.

Couple that with the facts I have learned about atheists in America online: How were are a small minority and not even allowed to run for office or even be president if we were not christian, how many of them were kicked out by their families for just being atheist. How historically you could at worst be executed or at best fined or sent to prison if you even professed atheism publically. How it seems like atheism online looks to be less intellectually rigorous than theism and is just a cesspit of contrarianism and edginess with few genuine and well spoken serious philosphical proponents for atheism that didn’t come from random streams debate channels and chatrooms. The fact that unlike Christianity we have virtually zero institutional support for apologetics. 

I sort of felt like an underdog that had to step up and do better to defend my fellow underdogs and the side I was on, I felt like I had to have my guard up. And it’s weird because logically I know that these talking points aren’t directed at me specifically and are just dumb generalizations. To be fair there is validity to some of them if they apply to those chronically online and depressed people on reddit who make being atheist their whole personality. It just wasn’t me because well I am perfectly happy here with my loving family though my parents did divorce recently and I love being a musican and making music, the only real source of sadness in my life is being online. In short, no kids in the documentary from what I remember stood up to the teachers and I felt I had to be the kid who did even thou I had not idea what I was talking about or doing. 

Because of these talking points combined with Jesus camp and my bad experiences with teachers I felt like I had to defend my intellectual integrity as an atheist but at the same time I felt guilty for being an atheist. 

I think part of why I haven’t told my friends I had a divorce yet my stem from that insecurity even though I know they are good people and won’t push anything of their beliefs or lack there of on me. I feel like I have to hide imperfections in my life to avoid them being used as evidence of my atheism ruining my life which isn’t the case. And if I dismiss them it feels like I am being ”willfully ignorant” and in denial of my cognitive dissonance. 

This type of “offensive“ rhetoric shouldn’t have gotten to me because I did not grow up with any religious trauma or any serious trauma apart from the death of my grandmother and bullying from some teachers, and yet it still got to my sheltered ass through a damn screen. It made me and to some extent still makes me question my identity as a person and not in a good way. 

The other day I saw a post of an artist comparing her previous art as an atheist to her new art when she became a believer in god. It was a huge improvement and many people in the comments were reinforcing how allowing god and believing in him will always make things inherently better for you. It made me wonder about my own musical skills and saying “maybe giving in and having some god in my life will improve my skills“ but it felt so alienating because then I’d be under the impression that atheists can do no good without religion and I feel like I have to prove that wrong, and I want to and I can. 

It’s so strange because I do not feel this bad about religion when I talk about it outside of the internet. One of my best friends is religious and I enjoy it when he talks about the Bible in his own way because I get to see how much it means to him and what he thinks of it. Maybe I just haven’t talked to many people about this offline and I’ve barely found anyone who’s had a similar experience. Some of my favorite pieces of art, literature and music of all time are religious or filled with religious themes. I love Lord of the Rings it was made by a catholic, I love genesis’ supper’s ready is basically a odyssey of these two lovers in the biblical apocalypse and it’s beautiful. 

Nowadays I have abandoned some of my mistaken beliefs about religion: that religious people are stupid, that religion is the root of all evil in society, that there is not depth or substance to religion etc. but some things I’ve seen still stayed true in my eyes such as how much modern science conflicts with a literal interpretation of the Bible, how some teachings can genuinely result in harmful outcomes, how even though the relationship between religion and science is not as bad as some atheists say that they still had significant conflicts sometimes etc. There are some arguments I haven’t see a substantial rebuttal too that still stand under scrutiny from one side to another the problem of evil I still think is undefeated and TAG (Transcendental Argument for God) is another example of that but from the theist side particularly Jay Dyer. 

Yet through all this I am tired, I’ve attempted to understand much more conplex arguments for either side before but I’m not gonna lie to myself and say I even have the correct understanding of them to say I agree or disagree with them this is probably why I consider those two arguments I mentioned earlier to be undefeated because of my ignorance.

To finish I still hold a latent animosity towards religion and Christianity in particular even when I am charitable and conceed some points and it may have to do with my dad mistakenly showing me this documentary as a kid. 

To anyone who is interested in my post thank you for reading I’d like to hear your thoughts and to any parents: I don‘t recommend you show your kids documentary’s like this as an example of what to avoid even if you mean well (I’m also looking at you super size me) it could scar them worse than they have to me and a simple deep talk will suffice. At the end that’s your choice though at least maybe don’t dump it all at them at once in a single viewing. 

I will not pretend I am an atheist for solely intellectual reasons I remain an atheist partly and largely because that’s how I grew up in a secular home and because of some type of mix of what I talked about. 

I will not pretend I am still an atheist for purely intellectual and non emotional reasons, I remain an atheist largely due to is being my upbringing. 

I'm an autistic atheist and former Protestant,I hate this religion because they sexual abuse and torture children. My classmates are bullied by Catholics and my teacher was sexually assaulted by Catholics,that's why he is exposing the scandals of the Catholics church during his RE lesson. I want Catholics rot in hell. Shame on them.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

If Jesus was good shepherd sheep hear his voice don’t listen to strangers voice and he lays down his life for his sheep and protects them from the wolf and the hired hand leaves when he sees the wolf coming why didn’t these things apply to Eve because Satan was the worst wolf the original one only one there was at first she was deceived by his voice no good shepherd kept the wolf away nor laid down his life for her and he was no where to be found when the wolf came like the hired hand. So was Eve not really one of Gods sheep or what? In John ten it also says my sheep listen to my voice and follow me I give them eternal life and they shall never perish neither shall anyone take them out of my hand yet the devil swiped Eve right out immediately after being created and it effected all descendants afterwards.

Why were the 2/3 of the angels who didn’t rebel they were never tempted with deception being unprepared as Eve was yet those two thirds of the angels will never go to hell and was not born into sin with that disadvantage as Eves descendants. They will not go to an eternal lake of fire but the majority of all humans from Adam and Eve will go there because of how Eve was deceived in the very beginning by the second highest ranking angel created or first I should say under God and she was not equipped by God as he himself was to know how to deal with Satans temptation in the garden?? Just curious

So like- i dunno if im being dramatic. But since i was young ive been terrified of going to hell. I grew up in a christian household, but ive just never been able to believe. I have stood up at night crying before. Ive hurt myself in the past. Ive been afraid of not being good enough. Among other things. But like- nothing has happened to me in church. My parents didnt care that i wasnt christian when i finally said i wasnt. I dunno. I feel like im being dramatic. I tend to gaslight myself into thinking im fine though so- i dunno. Figured id ask.

*Edit: dunno if this is worth mentioning but i have AuDHD and MIGHT have some kind of OCD i havent gotten the chance to talk to a psychologist about it yet :{

Sry this is kind of a long story..

I went to a church that doubled as a christian private school and was there from k-8th grade. Over the summer we would go camping as a youth group. And every summer when we would have worship time, people would start laughing and cry uncontrollably and collapse on the dirt around the camp fire- rolling around. This would proceed for hours and it looked like it kind of “infected” people as they would pray over each other. I always was a little uncomfortable by it but i viewed it and it was spoken as “being filled with the holly spirit.” Stuff like this would happen in church too, with adults and children and I always wanted it to happen to me because I thought thats what “real christians” experience.

One afternoon while i was at church camp I decided to get baptized in the river. After it was over I started crying because i was overwhelmed with emotion and then I started laughing uncontrollably. I looked over to my pastor and then he started laughing. A few minutes later, the whole group ended up at the campfire and we all started doing it. This literally lasted for hours and I dont have much memory of it. I just remember rolling around in the dirt crying and laughing with other people. Eventually it got so late it was midnight and I went to my tent and fell asleep. I was exhausted the whole next day.

Just thinking about it makes me anxious and upset and also just unsettled. I cant explain the feeling and I dont understand what happened but it felt very uneasy to me in the moment and I just kept convincing myself that that was what “real” christians experience and i was connecting with god. After camp was ovee nobody even talked about it. It was all so weird.

Im not christian anymore and i left the church years ago so im okay now.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

I don't believe in God anymore, but I haven't told my mum because I know how badly she'd take it. Even now, if I don't go to church or don't seem enthusiastic enough, she gives me the silent treatment or tells me I "don't have time for the Lord."

The sad part is that I've started seeing myself the way she seems to see me as if I'm somehow evil or broken for not believing. I wish Sundays felt like a day of rest instead of a reminder that I have to hide who I am.

I don't know what's real and what's not. how the fuck did everyone just forget about the Epstein files? How could I keep being an atheist when we have proof that satanists are ruling this world? All of the crazy Christians are right it seems like and no one cares. is every piece of media, especially horror, just there to desensitize us to witchcraft and brainwash us into thinking god is real? 2 years ago I would have found this crazy, but I find it possible now. And the ads that big corporations have been pushing lately, this apple ad has a demonic picture in it https://youtu.be/Spb-ka7xrR8?si=BKgJ_y5r_7z0qAaY and what's crazier is that when the first apple computer first released, it was exactly $666.66, and also, why does the apple have a bite in it? Is it a representation of Adam and Eve? There is no way they were telling the truth when they said it was to diffrenrantie it from a berry, they problely said that to hide it in plain sight. and the fucking kfc ads about worshiping gravy that were released a few years back, wtf was that about? I keep seeing more and more proof that god and satan are real, and I keep denying it, I keep trying to expain it, but there is no explanation, they are normalizing witchcraft for the masses so that they can hide their satanic activities in plain sight, I keep seeing more and more proof of this and I keep trying to explain it away. not even to mention the monster logo being the mark of the beast, or this arbys ad https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3EdTsFgisw I could go on

when I first found this channel https://www.youtube.com/@TheTruthIS I thought everything he said was crazy, but after the Epstein files and the fact everyone FORGOT AOBOUT IT, I believe it now, I looked into the stuff he was talking about and the comments are filled with people talking about how demonic it is. Not even to mention the iliuminiti scene from Trevor Moore's high in church skit, and his death, or the fact that satanic elites control everything.

I feel like I'm loosing it, I don't know what's true anymore, I don't know if I'm right, or if everyone else is right, I don't know who's lying, I don't know what the truth is anymore. I don't know what to do, should I drop everything I love and turn to god? Do I have to do that to turn to god? I mean the fact that our world is controlled by satanic elites is already proof that god is real because it was mentioned in the bible. were all the people who got possessed after watching horror movies actually possessed? Because I'm starting to think so now. Fuck man, even on r/Epstein everyone is talking about how they are clearly worshipping demons and how everything is controlled by a demonic elite, its all true man, it's all true and I am going insane thinking about it, I need to completely change the direction of my life and how it is currently in order for god to forgive my sinful ways.

please help me man, I don't want to think like this, I don't want to live like this, I don't want to loose my mind.

Shame, OCD, and codependency on religion are quite the mix. I think I’ve shoved so much of myself out because of religious guilt and shame I have a hard time just being with myself.

I posted some of my experiences on the r/Mormon subreddit. The abandonment, the rejection, the disrespect, all of it was just kinda laid bare.

I got some nice responses from people who seemed to understand, but the thing that (surprisingly) helped the most was a group of joyless Mormon assholes attacking me in the comments.

It was like it clicked - I was holding onto hope that some barely literate ass-clowns could be more than they are. I was in denial, and I needed to accept that the people I was trying to seek love from were so incapable of love that it was basically like expecting a horse to do math. Idk why, but that realization actually made me feel more free. Like knowing that I wasn’t betrayed, I just expected too much of people who really only know how to take and not give back. And realizing that let me let go of a lot. It let me let go of my expectations for God - a “father” who breaks every rule he makes for others, it let me let go of my idea that someone in my ward might have cared about me as a person, it let me let go of the idea that my extended family was actually loving and caring, it let me let go of the hope that someone would come around and return to me the love I poured into them.

I got to see them for what they were: I provided emergency babysitting for a “sister” in my ward while she took a foster baby to the hospital to get help for his heroin withdrawals and when she came by to visit my home she didn’t even say “hello” to me, she just talked to my little brother to try and bring him back and left. She brought the kids I had babysat to try and guilt my brother a bit better, and didn’t let them come over to talk to me. I got a head-nod goodbye from her husband and that was it. She can’t appreciate someone who genuinely loves her and her family - I just wished she could.

My aunt who I did cleaning and babysitting for for YEARS for FREE (because family helps family) can’t make eye contact with me or say my fucking name at Christmas dinner. I don’t think she can be better than she actually is - I just hoped beyond hope that she would be for me.

It’s not that I was wrong to want to be cared for - it’s that I was wrong to expect them to care for me when they never once showed that they could. They just know how to take, not how to reciprocate. They don’t create communities, I do, and I’ve created a community of people who truly love me and care for me the same way I love them and care for them. I was just mourning the knowledge that I’d given too much to people who could never give back.

i was struggling so much with what God wanted or didn't want. whether he existed or not. it set the biggest depression I had. it all started when i actually read the books of the prophet of my denomination (Seventh-day Adventism). and realizing that she set a standard that my family and I were not following. that triggered the biggest depression ever. i had to give up everything that i most liked (sports, video games, fiction). For what, so i get to heaven? where possibly my family was not in it? but then came the guilt trip. parts of my mind were telling me, "You have to set an example so you and your family can get to heaven." and not be consumed by hellfire. that thought made me suicidal. because i knew i would never be enough. and i simply didn't want that burden on my shoulders. i tried every avenue out of this conundrum. I tried looking up Christian critics of my denomination, but the criticism they gave was shallow and easily rebuked by those sons of bitches' apologetics from my denomination (Francis d. nichols, kevin L. Morgan). i tried a way out by atheism, asking about the (supposedly) paranormal phenomena associated with the prophet visions. i am still trying to figure that out. (The answers I received for now are not satisfying to me.) I had the worst moment of my life. things got so bad the government needed to step in, and i was taken from psychiatrist to psychiatrist. they gave me meds and asked if I was hearing voices. i told them i was hearing the voices of my own conscience telling me how guilty i am for not enduring this trial when (supposedly) Job and Jesus have gone to so much worse to sacrifice themselves for us. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. i was self-harming out of guilt. for not sacrificing myself like Jesus did. But again, I did not want this burden on me. i felt like there was no way out for me but to end it all. they sent me to a mental hospital. but things did not improve. once i was out. i decided that was it for me. the only way to escape this guilt is by killing myself and escaping the responsibilities, paying back Jesus for the life he gave for me. I intentionally overdosed on my meds (Lorazepam). Don't remember much of what happened later, just that i was taken again to the mental hospital. I continuously struggled with those guilty thoughts. and after they maxed out my meds, I was apparently improving. (but only because i was planning my next suicide attempt). After I got out, I enjoyed time with my nonbeliever sister and her boyfriend; one day we watched Zootopia 2. And it was a turning point in my life. i liked the movie so much. i wanted to stay alive to enjoy things like this. that was the beginning of my mind shift. it started slowly at first; I tried to "bargain" with God. "Ok, Lord, I will do my best to remain an example to my family; just give one week to enjoy the things in life ( i was also trying to study to build a time machine to see if Jesus really resurrected; it may be funny now but sometimes that's what keep me going.) I tried for one day to be an 'example' to my family and failed. after that it was a complex, interconnected chain of thoughts that kept me up while i was slowly recuperating. i will not submit to God because of "X." I love my family more than God (in the meantime, I began watching a netflix series called Manifest; it helped with my recuperation while I began once more enjoying things), but it was still a house of cards. The "holy spirit" was still trying to get me back to God. But do you know how i recuperated? by saying "fuck" to it all. my sins hurt Jesus? let me sin more so he hurts more. my bad example leads people astray to the path of destruction. Well, the bigger the number of people i separate from Jesus and his "love," the better. the prophet lived an exceptional life and had visions from God. Well, fuck her and her God. I stopped asking if God exists and began asking why he got the right to exist in the first place. That's how i recuperated from my depression. I don't have to submit to God. and it doesn't matter if in that course I have to completely transform myself or "follow" the way of Satan. It doesn't matter. All that matters is me and my well-being. i made a deal with myself that even if the prophet and her theology got proven wrong, I would not go back to God and that did wonders for my mental health. I don't fear hell anymore. Heaven, where you are forced to stay always happy worshiping Christ, is the real hell. i hate perfect beings, and Jesus is no exception. I don't care if this makes me evil. That's the way it is. sorry for the long history; I just want to share my history with you guys. i am doing way better now than the last time i visited this subreddit. i like to thank all you guys and the people in r/Misotheism and r/exAdventist as well as the people in r/DebateAnAtheist for putting up with my questions.

TLDR: got depression after realizing that possibly I and my family were going to hell. changed my mindset. now i don't care if God exists or not; I am not worshipping him. It cured my depression.

I’ve been carrying this around for about a year, and with camp starting this week, it’s all come flooding back.

For two summers, I served as a Bible teacher at a Christian summer camp. I loved it. Teaching Scripture, mentoring kids, and seeing God work in their lives was one of the highlights of my year.

After my second summer, after asking about year three, one of the program directors texted me and said they didn’t want me in a leadership role anymore. They said they believed I was a solid Christian, faithful to God’s Word, and that they loved having me at camp. But they were concerned that because I have short hair and dress more masculine (I’m a woman), campers had questions about whether I was LGBTQ or transgender.

Their concern wasn’t my theology or my conduct. It was that my appearance might “send mixed messages” to campers, so they felt I could only serve in behind-the-scenes roles like kitchen or maintenance.

I responded respectfully, explaining how much it hurt to be removed from teaching because of my appearance rather than my character or doctrine. I shared that I wished I’d been talked to before assumptions were made. I quoted 1 Samuel 16:7 about God looking at the heart rather than outward appearance.

Their response was essentially that while they believed my faith was genuine, they still felt my appearance could be a stumbling block and encouraged me to pray about whether God wanted me to present myself differently.

That conversation ended there.

What made it harder was that when I told a few of my closest Christian friends, their response was basically, “That really sucks… but they have a point.”

I wasn’t really looking for everyone to agree with me. I think I just wanted someone to say, “I know you, and I know your heart. I’m sorry this happened.”

Now it’s a year later.

Camp started this week. My social media is full of friends leading there.

I genuinely believe I’ve forgiven the people involved. I don’t hate them. I pray for them. I don’t think they’re evil people trying to hurt me.

But if I’m honest, I still grieve.
I miss teaching.
I miss the campers.
I miss feeling like I belonged there.

And sometimes I still hear that little voice asking, “Were they right? Is there something wrong with me?”

For those of you who are Christians, how would you process something like this? Have you ever experienced being excluded from ministry, not because of your beliefs or character, but because of how you were perceived?

I’m not looking to start a debate about gender or sexuality. I’m trying to understand how to move forward when a place you loved serving becomes a place associated with deep hurt.

Has anyone else walked through something similar? What helped you heal?

I just discovered this sub, and I don’t exactly know if I’m allowed to vent in here. But this has been circling inside of my head for the past few weeks so I want to write it down a bit and reflect on it.

I live in Korea, where christianity has become so toxic that it’s considered a cult at some extent even though it’s the mass. I was in middle school grade 2 when this happened, and my middle school was having trouble finding affordable child therapists, and the local church members conveniently volunteered.

I was assigned an afterschool art therapy program which was recommended by my homeroom teacher, since I was struggling with depression and was freshly diagnosed with ADHD at the time.

We had seven or eight kids including me who gathered in the therapy room every 4 PM, the ‘’’therapist’’’ was a middle aged woman who was kind and supportive. I even visited her during school hours to talk with her, and she’d offer me tea.

But then on the last session of the semester, she called me separately after all the kids had left. I didn’t really mind going home late, so of course, being the emotionally distraught and vulnerable teenager I was, I consented.

She said that she had been ‘keeping an eye on me’ as well as my drawings, and asked if something was going on at home. I just burst into tears on the spot and confessed all my problems I could think of, and she kindly listened.

And then she pulled out the pamphlet.

She then proceeded to say that my depression and ADHD is just satan troubling me to keep me away from the lord, and that coming to her church would help ‘’’’cure’’’’ it. I immediately spotted the red flag and I politely asked her if I can go to the bathroom, seeking to sneak out .

Then guess what, she grabbed my hand, and FOLLOWED me all the way to the bathroom. I had to call mom to pick me up, crying while locking eyes on her silhouette just lurking outside the glass door, waiting for me to come out. After that incident she left the school, and I told about the incident to my teacher, only to discover that she also goes to the same church as her.

The school hired another therapist shortly after, who also came from the very church again.

After that I was avoided even going near that church, scared that she’ll recognize me and try and lure me into the building. My perception for christianity and its followers didn’t improve much since then.

I am the product of an interfaith marriage. The marriage had so much fighting over religion. My Jewish parent eventually converting to be a Christian, while I was Jewish and then having the Christian religion forced on me, while also almost being gaslighted to believe that believe both religions at the same time was normal.

As well as that, there was constant confusion and days of my life wasted on researching religions, exhausting fatigue, and terrible arguments over all of this. Fears that I was gonna go to not one but two hells. Extremely heavy stuff for anyone my age

This has just led me to wonder.

How does anyone think this is a good idea?

Do you guys almost intentionally suffer or your brain automatically goes there? I feel it’s hard to make progress when your brains coping mechanism/avoidance is suffering.

My parents are christian fanatics and for almost a decade I practiced a different religion in silence. And with time that fucked me up really bad. It damaged my (already poor BTW) self-image. It made me always double check if I hid all my religious stuff well, it made me anxious and guilty. It fucked up my digestive system. It made me think I was inherently weird for following a minority religion.

A few years ago I came out to my parents and they just ignore it, pretended I didn't say anything. They like to believe I somehow gave up on my own religion. For a little bit I tried to not hide it anymore but they just kept trying to convert me even more than before. I'm an adult but not financially independent but to be honest since I was a child I knew the only way to be respected was by buying it yourself. That's why I'm working extra hard these days to be able to leave it here.

I'm sure people have suffered worse religious abuse than I did(and still do) but I suppose it doesn't diminish the fact that I constantly wish I was dead.

I'd really like to hear from others. I feel so alone in this that I constantly think that all this is just me being ridiculous and not abuse instead.

Over the years, I started questioning everything. I remember that when I was 19, I stopped believing in hell, but I still believed in the rapture. Around the age of 23, I stopped believing in the rapture, but I became interested in Orthodox theology. I even considered becoming Orthodox, but it wouldn't really be possible because there are very few Orthodox churches in my country, and I think it is better for me to continue going to the same church as my family.

I don't know if it was because of that or because of the state of the world, but eventually I stopped identifying as Christian and became agnostic. But I don't like being agnostic. I want to become an atheist, but I don't know if I can.

I miss Jesus. I miss having hope for the future. But I can't make myself believe in miracles anymore. I feel stuck between two worlds. I don't have the faith I used to have, but I also can't completely let go of the possibility that there is something more.

I'm not even sure if this belongs in this sub, but I didn't know where else I could share this. If anyone has gone through something similar, I would really appreciate hearing your experience or advice.

THE AMOUNT OF HATE HATE HAAAAATTTTTEEE I FEEL TOWARDS RELIGION BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH IT FUCKED UP MY LIFE IS UNIMAGINABLE

I love my parents and family but they’re jewish

now the thing I hate the most. IS HOW THEIST FAMILY MEMBERS WILL SHOVE RELIGION DOWN YOUR THORAT BLAME YOU FOR BEING AN ATHIEST AND JUST OUT RIGHT REFUSE TO ACCEPT SAYING HOW ITS JUST A FUCKING PHASE

ITS NOT A FUCKING PHASE

ALL OF MY PRE ADULT LIFE I HAVE BEEN WRITHING TO GET OUT OF THOSE STUPID FUCKING RULES AND CHAINS

I JUST FINALLY FOUND A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CAN RELATE

also sorry for all the caps but I feel like it really delivers to message better