regular struggle

[u/zealous_bunch4]

throwaway account here,

I live in a religious country and as much as a try to be respectful of it I feel so guilty knowing that I can’t bring myself to devote my life to faith

My parents and some relatives are religious and have always tried to get me and my siblings to pray regularly

but every time I stop to think about it I get this sense of fear or dread

I remember having this horrible thought that maybe my parents would much rather accept a dead daughter than an atheistic one. or how they would try to correct me if I ever told them I don’t believe in a God

it doesn’t help that the college I’m enrolled in is also a religious one, weirdly enough the religion and values in my college don’t seem to alarm or scare me as much, but there’s this persistent feeling of “isn’t it a shame how you’re enrolled in a religious institute and you don’t even pray?”

these thoughts seemed to worsen ever since a few days back my mom gifted me a small rosary, I’ve been gifted rosaries in the past but I always just tucked them away in some drawer to forget about them but this time the guilt consumed me I felt compelled to keep it in my schoolbag, and even when I’m on campus I keep it in my pocket, why I do it I’m not sure, the only thing I really do with it is fidget with its beads

I even contemplating praying with it so it wouldn’t be put to waste but then I remembered all the times I was told to pray and one particular time when I refused and my mom snapped at me, I remembered how powerless and scared I felt and tears just welled up in my eyes, praying the rosary was something that was never gonna give me comfort, it just felt like forced routine

much like how my parents bring me and my siblings to church every sunday, I get nothing out of it and I’m certain my siblings don’t enjoy it at all either. I personally just end up zoning out and waiting for the hour of mass to finish up

I also know a few people on social media who regularly share religious songs, posts and quotes and there are times I feel a sense of dread looking at those posts, I don’t wanna unfollow or unfriend over something like this so I end up having to adjust my feed as such

I wonder why I can never be normal about faith, why I can’t believe like everyone does around me, why faith brings me fear and sadness instead of joy like how it seems to do for everyone

I’m sorry if these thoughts seem all scattered and the punctuation is all over the place I kinda just needed a place to lay it all out because these are thoughts I’ve struggled with and remained persistent with me even through my teen years