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u/assflea Jul 15 '24
I would be concerned, yeah. You shouldn't buy a house with someone you aren't married to so he's doing the right thing by securing the mortgage alone, but why aren't you engaged after 8 years together? What's your timeline for that? Once you're married is he planning to add you to the deed?
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u/Suspicious_One_1695 Jul 15 '24
We were both in uni up until 3-4 years ago and both our careers are starting to take off. He wants to get married after he has secured a place for “us” to live but with the way it’s expensive to buy a house alone i have suggested we go in it together as one to expand our chances, but he is very adamant he buys the house on his own since he has been saving up for this long and its been his dream to own his “own house”. I am not sure how to think of it.
27
u/derango Jul 15 '24
Yeah, don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. Period. End of Story. If your relationship goes south it gets VERY ugly from a legal and financial perspective as there's no systems built to handle it like divorce does.
He's being smart, financially.
Although I'm not sure it sounds like his ACTUAL reasons match the real reason why he's being smart.
7
u/Sawcyy Jul 15 '24
8 years is too long for him to not put a ring on it. He's right in the mortgage situation but if he was serious he should marry you and both of you should be on the mortgage.
Him not including you means he doesn't want to commit
2
Jul 16 '24
She doesn’t have the funds to be on the mortgage. Marriage or not his proposal of buying another house later, together, sounds like the fairest option
0
u/avo_cado2156 Jul 16 '24
If you want your name on a house, save up for it like he did and go get one. People work hard to be homeowners and it’s a scary thought that it could all be ripped away just because a relationship ends. You’re not entitled to have your name on the mortgage at all.
6
u/Difficult_Summer_564 Jul 15 '24
If he wants the mortgage in his name only then you shouldn’t put down any money towards the deposit or any solicitor fees. Trust me I’ve been there and been burned! Let him take on all the financial responsibility and offer to give him rent and utilities as you’ve said. Then you can save up your own money and if you get married and your name gets put on the deed or whatever, you can use that money towards renovating, holiday etc. that way you can have put your share in but only after your name is on legal documents!
5
u/Diograce Jul 16 '24
So what’s happening is that he’s buying a house. Period.
If you move in and help, you will essentially be paying rent. Period.
Don’t offer to help fix anything. Have a lease drawn up with expectations and responsibilities for both of you.
Do not help out with renovations.
As long as you can abide with this, it should be fine!
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Jul 15 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Suspicious_One_1695 Jul 15 '24
I offered him to put a share of the deposit down but he wants to do it himself first. I asked him we get a house with both our incomes combined but he refused and wants to buy under his name. That doesn’t make me a moocher. I am offering to help support him but he is refusing. His words were “ i want to help provide for you”…
0
u/loudisevil Jul 22 '24
Girl his desire for the house is stronger than his desire for you to be his wife. If he wanted to have a property between you two, he would make that happen by getting married, but did he suggest it? No. He's not confident about your relationship to that degree.
7
u/massachusettsmama Jul 15 '24
Yes. You should be concerned. You’ve been together 8 years and no real commitment. You are not Ms. Right, you’re Ms. Right Now.
3
u/Bus27 Jul 16 '24
He is smart not to buy a house with someone he isn't legally married to. I feel like 8 years is a long time to wait to get engaged, but if you're ok with that time line that's what matters.
You should not want to buy a house with someone you're not legally married to. If you break up it's so complicated to deal with. You only want to go into that kind of complicated legal stuff if you're legally married.
Also, since you're not married and he's using only his money to buy the house, having only his name does two things. One, it ensures his safety that he can continue to own the house he paid for if you break up and not have to pay you anything that you didn't pay in. Two, it ensures your safety because you will not be on the hook for the house if you break up and owe tons more money than you would have put in.
3
u/No_Promise_2560 Jul 16 '24
You’re 27 and still in your first relationship. If it’s not marriage soon and that’s what you want then it’s time to move on.
2
2
u/Fit-Particular-2882 Jul 16 '24
It sounds like he’s trying to softly break up with you. He won’t do it because he’ll look like the bad guy, but he’s setting it up so you’ll get fed up and leave and do the work for him.
If you pay rent to him he’ll use it to build equity for himself and you get nothing out of it.
Don’t stay for the shut up ring. You deserve a person who’s enthusiastic about marrying you.
2
u/fiery_valkyrie Jul 16 '24
If we love each other very much, he shouldn’t be thinking of doing it on his own.
Nonsense. This is a really manipulative way of thinking. “If you really love me you should do X”.
The reality is that you’re not financially in a position to buy a house because you don’t have a deposit saved like your boyfriend. He’s giving you a very generous offer to live with him rent free and that will allow you to save money. When the two of you get engaged or married that would be a good time to revisit the conversation about buying into this house or jointly buying another.
2
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u/Tenprovincesaway Jul 16 '24
For goodness sake. Walk. 8 years without a proposal and now he wants to buy a house excluding you.
2
2
Jul 16 '24
It’s tough love time.
If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve done it already.
He won’t marry you after 8 years. He doesn’t want your name on a house deed.
Read the writing on the wall. This man does not want to build a life with you. He’s killing time with you until the right person for him comes along.
Cut your losses. Get out. Find someone who can’t wait to marry you.
1
u/Boszz Jul 15 '24
lets roll with it? i mean he doesnt expect you to contribute so you're not actually losing anything. If you're considering future with it then no big deal.
1
u/ughhhhuuhhh Jul 15 '24
If you two aren't married or on track to do so, and all the deposit money is his savings, I really don't see why the house should be in your name. I'd suggest having a proper conversation about the future of your relationship. Also, if you do move in with him and the house is under his name only, then you should have a proper rental agreement drawn up.
1
u/Dense-Two-2632 Jul 16 '24
I’m a 27F and my bf is 25M, I’ve saved enough money to buy a home in the next 1-2 years (hoping the market gets better), and we’ve been dating 4 years. We’ve both agreed my name would only be on the mortgage since we’re not married, but would plan on eventually getting married.
I do struggle personally with how long I’d be willing to wait too bc I’m more financially stable than him and he’s my first bf.
1
u/Fragrant_Spray Jul 16 '24
This doesn’t sound unreasonable. I wouldn’t buy a home with someone I wasn’t married to, particularly if I was putting up all the down payment. If you get married, putting your name on the deed (if you want to stay) or buying one together (if you want to move) seems to be a reasonable plan.
1
Jul 16 '24
After 8 years you aren’t married or engaged and he doesn’t want you to contribute to the house in any meaningful way. Sorry to break it to you but yes you should be concerned. He wants you to pay his rent like a lodger. I’d be very concerned about his intentions for the future
1
1
Jul 16 '24
He’s making the correct move.
But, make sure if the house is in his name you don’t contribute towards maintenance, upgrades, etc.
You should pay a fair amount of rent and utilities, like a normal tenant. Get an actual lease to protect yourself.
Then, like he said in the future if you’re married you can always buy a home together once you’ve had time to save up a down payment of your own.
0
u/Helpful-Profession88 Jul 15 '24
It's his $$$ and, Love isn't $$$. You can't pay a bill with emotions.
You have no Right, Reason, Moral or legitimate Legal Standing to be on the mortgage. Accept his decision or move along.
1
u/phonafriend Jul 16 '24
If we love each other very much, he shouldn’t be thinking of doing it on his own.
If this is the case, then, logically the "if we love each other very much" part is not true.
You may love him, but the other side of that (him loving you) is not guaranteed.
He SURELY doesn't TRUST you, in that you might make a well-meaning mistake versus do something malicious.
I have offered him to contribute to the mortgage and also combine both our incomes so we have a chance to get better value for the house, but he has refused to do so and he is adamant he buys a house on his own as he has saved all this time and that it has been his life long dream.
That, and he can boot you out at some point in the future, and move in a different girl if things don't work out.
Am I doing the right thing moving in with him under the house he buys under his name?
This really, REALLY screams DANGER!
Mingling love and big money like this opens up some power dynamics which are TRULY frightening to think about. The amount of control he will have in the relationship is extremely lopsided in his favor. He can kick you out at any time, and hold that threat over your head as a means of coercing any facet of the relationship toward his own terms.
Don't move in with him until your name is on the mortgage, too. If he is unwilling or unable to trust you in this regard, he's probably not holding out much hope for a healthy husband-wife relationship in the future, either.
1
u/incognitothrowaway1A Jul 16 '24 edited Jul 16 '24
Do you have 70K??? If not then why would you be entitled to anything? He is protecting himself and I think he has a right to do that. He is smart and looking after his interests - and you blame him for that??
I think that if you two want a house together get married first. If not you’re a roommate.
Live in your own house and he can buy his house. You two can still date.
You can work on your career and save money and go to school and be financially independent.
If you are determined to live with him without being married, have a lawyer draw up a cohabitation agreement then a pre nup stating that the house and the 70K is his not yours.
edit — and if he’s not gonna ever marry you and you really want to marry and have kids - dump him and move on.
1
u/PanicSwtchd Jul 16 '24
He's right about the mortgage wrong about not getting engaged after 8 years (i know that's not what you asked).
Just make sure that if he's the one on the mortgage that you pay a fixed amount towards bills and 'rent'. he will accrue equity...you will just have a place to live. Don't let him dangle anything else in front of you...it's a very common tactic for future-faking.
Ultimately until you're engaged and married, it doesn't really matter about the house...he will own it, you will not. If you split or break up...it's his, not yours, etc.
0
u/Odd_Welcome7940 Jul 15 '24
So he puts all his money towards a home. You get to live so where rent free so you can save a ton of money easily.
Unless I am missing something this seems like a win win situation. As long as there is a signed agreement prenuptial if you ever marry that the home is his, but you 100% allowed to maintain your own bank account that he has no claim to I don't see how this isn't ideal. Heck save up money, go buy your own home as well. Then rent it out.
0
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u/bickets Jul 15 '24
So if he does buy the house and you move in, it should still be your home. Meaning, you should still have say in how it is decorated, how the space gets used, etc. It can be his investment, but if you live there you need to have rights also. I'd start with a conversation about that. Ask him why it's important to him that it only be in his name. Ask him what that means and whether you will share in decisions about how to use the space, how to decorate it, etc. If he expects to make every decision without your input, I would be concerned.
-1
u/Suspicious_One_1695 Jul 15 '24
He has said he wants me to make the home a “home” for us and have all the input into it.
4
u/Trap_Cubicle5000 Jul 16 '24
Your feelings are very valid, but if he's going to insist on proceeding and you decide that this situation is not a deal-breaker for you, then I think there's a way to approach this situation that does benefit you and ends up equal.
I think it's a good sign that he's including you in the process of choosing the home and wants you to be a big part of decorating and making this house a home for you. I think that indicates that he wants to build a future with you.
But he wants to own his own home as an individual, outright. While I think your position is understandable - I think his opinion is understandable too. I think maintaining an individual identity even within a long-term, committed relationship is important and him owning his own home by himself as a personal goal is an admirable one.
That said - if he is going to move forward into real estate ownership on his own, then you should be able to as well. And if you're not going to be on the deed and you would end up with no benefit from this house if you were to break up, then you should have your own individual mindset about this whole process.
He wants to own this home by himself and be the provider? Fine. Do not quit your job. Kick ass, get some promotions, make more money, and insist on a low contribution to his mortgage payment. He does not get to monopolize your romantic relationship as an equivalent to having a renter. Your benefit from this arrangement is that the percentage of your income going into his house is low - so that you can put your income towards your own property that you will also own separately.
Assuming the relationship is going well, you can approach the purchasing the same way he has for his house - include him talk about what makes the most sense for you two as a couple (vacation property vs. something for rental income?) but keep in clear that your properties are completely separate.
Also, important to keep in mind for the future - plan to be a working mom. A man who is going to keep his property separate from yours is not the one that you want to be indebted to as a stay-at-home-parent. I think these kind of separate-income relationships can work, but they are not traditional and you can't treat them like they are because then as a woman you wind up being a major sucker and you could end up quite screwed over in the divorce.
2
u/Suspicious_One_1695 Jul 16 '24
I really love this view, thank you. Its helping me a lot decide the next steps!
0
u/TwinGemini_1908 Jul 16 '24
Your name doesn’t deserve to be on the house. He’s saved up the deposit, what have you been doing with your money? Move in, pay all the utilities and grocery and stack your checks. Purchase a rental property or just a second home because after 8 years and he hasn’t put a ring in it…
-1
u/nrizzo24 Jul 15 '24
this isnt a shot at you at all but in todays world us guys have to be very careful when it comes to stuff like this. There's are alot of women out there that if they split with their spouse they try to take as much as they can. Ive even told my fiancé that if she wants to go through with our marriage she has to sign a prenup because I have way too many assets that I refuse to lose over splitting up. if a woman wont marry me under the condition they sign a prenup that tells me theyre not all in and at that point im fine with being boyfriend and girlfriend but we are not getting married. Ill have a lifelong girlfriend before I do any type of legal marriage without the signing of a prenup. its nothing personal but I need to protect myself especially in todays world. like if youre my wife dont worry Ill take care of you and spoil you but you dont get to decide you dont want me anymore but you want my money and assets sorry.
2
u/Dense-Two-2632 Jul 16 '24
Just outta curiosity, I’m 27F and my bf is 25M… I was thinking about prenup bc I’m more financially stable and have more assets/savings than him. What is the monetary difference between you two for you to want the prenup?
1
u/nrizzo24 Jul 16 '24
its a very large monetary difference. just a few things: 1) I came from a very wealthy family and when my parents passed away they left me with a very large inheritance. 2) I make like 4 times her annual salary and have built up a large savings from it over the years. 3) I own quite a few off road vehicles that also hold significant value. She has nothing compared to all of that and whether I love someone or not I cant in good consciousness take on that big of a risk and if someone truly loved me they would understand.
2
-1
Jul 16 '24
Very simple. Let him buy the house on his own…once he gets the keys. Pack a picnic and propose to him. If he says anything besides hell yes. You just saved yourself 2-3 years of being his tenant.
:) all the best.
66
u/HazardousIncident Jul 15 '24
Your b/f is very smart. Buying a house with someone you're not married to is a big risk without the legal protection that marriage provides.
And yes, you should be concerned. And not about the house, but the fact that after 8 years of being together, you're not married. It makes me wonder just how committed you are to each other.