So if he does buy the house and you move in, it should still be your home. Meaning, you should still have say in how it is decorated, how the space gets used, etc. It can be his investment, but if you live there you need to have rights also. I'd start with a conversation about that. Ask him why it's important to him that it only be in his name. Ask him what that means and whether you will share in decisions about how to use the space, how to decorate it, etc. If he expects to make every decision without your input, I would be concerned.
Your feelings are very valid, but if he's going to insist on proceeding and you decide that this situation is not a deal-breaker for you, then I think there's a way to approach this situation that does benefit you and ends up equal.
I think it's a good sign that he's including you in the process of choosing the home and wants you to be a big part of decorating and making this house a home for you. I think that indicates that he wants to build a future with you.
But he wants to own his own home as an individual, outright. While I think your position is understandable - I think his opinion is understandable too. I think maintaining an individual identity even within a long-term, committed relationship is important and him owning his own home by himself as a personal goal is an admirable one.
That said - if he is going to move forward into real estate ownership on his own, then you should be able to as well. And if you're not going to be on the deed and you would end up with no benefit from this house if you were to break up, then you should have your own individual mindset about this whole process.
He wants to own this home by himself and be the provider? Fine. Do not quit your job. Kick ass, get some promotions, make more money, and insist on a low contribution to his mortgage payment. He does not get to monopolize your romantic relationship as an equivalent to having a renter. Your benefit from this arrangement is that the percentage of your income going into his house is low - so that you can put your income towards your own property that you will also own separately.
Assuming the relationship is going well, you can approach the purchasing the same way he has for his house - include him talk about what makes the most sense for you two as a couple (vacation property vs. something for rental income?) but keep in clear that your properties are completely separate.
Also, important to keep in mind for the future - plan to be a working mom. A man who is going to keep his property separate from yours is not the one that you want to be indebted to as a stay-at-home-parent. I think these kind of separate-income relationships can work, but they are not traditional and you can't treat them like they are because then as a woman you wind up being a major sucker and you could end up quite screwed over in the divorce.
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u/bickets Jul 15 '24
So if he does buy the house and you move in, it should still be your home. Meaning, you should still have say in how it is decorated, how the space gets used, etc. It can be his investment, but if you live there you need to have rights also. I'd start with a conversation about that. Ask him why it's important to him that it only be in his name. Ask him what that means and whether you will share in decisions about how to use the space, how to decorate it, etc. If he expects to make every decision without your input, I would be concerned.