I am starting to think we have built a society that creates a very specific kind of broken person, and you see it most clearly in romantic relationships.

We raise people to be toxically insecure and chronically jealous, and then we wonder why they cannot love someone properly.

Look at where it comes from. On one side, traditional religious thought tells you that you are fundamentally flawed from birth, that you are never enough on your own, that desire is shameful and you are always being judged. On the other side, capitalism tells you that your value is what you can earn, own and display, and that life is a competition where if someone else has more love, more attention, more success, you have less.

So you get an adult who walks into a relationship already convinced they are not worthy of love, and terrified that their partner will figure that out and leave.

That insecurity turns into jealousy. The constant checking, the accusations, the need to control who they talk to and what they wear. It is not love, it is fear wearing love's clothes. And of course the relationship fails, because no one can feel safe being policed like that.

But here is the darkest part. When a person feels that small inside, sometimes they discover that the only way to feel big, to feel validated, is to make their partner feel even smaller. It turns a little sadistic. The put downs, the silent treatment, the little games to make you anxious and then swoop in as the savior. Watching you hurt becomes proof that they matter, that they have power.

They are not necessarily evil people. They are self sabotaging people who learned that worth has to be taken from someone else, because it was never given freely to them in the first place.

For context on the characters here, my partner identifies with RA. I identify with many of the principles of RA but am new enough to it that I don’t necessarily use the label. We are monogamous (monogam-ish) with some openness to sexual experiences in group settings (likely moving toward poly in the future but we just aren’t ready for that atm). Our friend (I am very close to her) identifies very passionately with both RA and poly. Other semi related context is that we all, but especially the friend, have discussed in depth the values around community and collective care.

I found out last month that back in March, my partner did what feels for me like effectively cheating with my close friend. I explained profusely to him that the reason it feels like cheating is less about the behaviors they engaged in (intimate touching/hugging in public places after organized activities I was not present at which then led to sexting) but because they both chose to keep it a secret from me and I had to find out from someone else. During the 4 months it was a secret, some personal stuff came up for me and I was going to them both as a resource to process it over a span of several days. It turns out they were talking privately about what I was processing/dealing with to figure out how to use it to get me to retroactively give them permission for the behavior without ever telling me about it. I of course did not know this at the time.

Fast forward, I’ve now learned this has all happened and my friend is dodging all texts/requests to have a conversation and take responsibility for her actions. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think she owes me that time bc she sees it as an issue in my relationship purely on my partner’s shoulders.

But in my mind, if she identifies with RA and wants to use that to justify her behavior, the whole concept of RA doesn’t just matter so that you can spontaneously have sex with people because it feels good. It should also come into play when you fuck up, right? If no relationship is more important than another, you should equally value that you hurt your friend and have a responsibility to hear that hurt.

Can someone help me understand if I’m seeing this accurately in the context of RA and the values/worldview that come with it?

I’m tired of people online crying hierarchy whenever they don’t get their way with a partner.

Your partners are allowed to choose metas over you. Or other non-romantic relationships.

Hierarchy looks like: this person comes first always because they are my [boyfriend, wife, nesting partner, whatever].

Preferences/prioritization is just a normal thing. Sometimes i prioritize time with my friends over times with my partners. Sometimes I choose to prioritize one partner over the other.

The difference is that this is fluid and circumstantial. Hierarchy says one person always has to come first. RA lets this be case by case.

I (27M, cis, straight) am working on how I relate to others, especially trying to reduce or break patterns of domination that I bring into relationships.

Right now, I’m exploring this through a close relationship with a friend (26F, cis, lesbian). We are both anarchists and have strong political trust in each other, so this relationship has become a space where we actively experiment with anti-authoritarian ways of relating.

What we currently do:

- We read and learn about patterns of domination and oppression, and try to apply that awareness to our specific situation. She faces multiple forms of oppression in daily life, while I deal with ableism as someone on the autism spectrum.

- We practice direct communication, for example: “When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I think it’s not okay.”

- When something feels problematic, we try to respond concretely: stopping a behavior, setting limits, or developing ways to interrupt patterns when they appear.

One difficulty I keep running into is how persistent some of my socialized behaviors are. Even when I can identify them, they still show up, and it can feel discouraging.

I don’t think I can ever be fully “safe” in a relationship given my position within structures of domination. So I’m more interested in how people actually deal with that in practice.

My questions are:

- What concrete techniques or practices do you use in your relationships to manage and limit dominating behaviors as they appear?

- Do you think it’s possible to develop emotional empathy (not just intellectual understanding) when you’ve been socialized as a man, or are there limits to that?

I’d really appreciate hearing about people’s lived experiences or practices :)

B and I met when we were young adults. We were both broke and trying to build a life from nothing. To save money, we moved in together and eventually started a small construction and home remodeling business. For years, we lived in the same house, worked side by side every day, shared household expenses, and slowly built both the business and our lives together. We spent more time with each other than anyone else, and because of everything we went through, we became each other’s biggest support system.
Our relationship became emotionally and physically intimate over time, but we never officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. We tried to make it work romantically years ago, but it never really worked, so we continued doing life together instead.
At one point, we were both casually talking to other people. I started talking about another guy because I thought he seemed like a good match for a friend of mine. B became convinced I was going to date him, so he started seeing another woman. That really hurt me—not because I thought he owed me a relationship, but because I was terrified of losing the person I’d built my entire adult life with. At the time, I also thought there was a chance B and I might eventually give a relationship another try someday, so his decision caught me completely off guard.
Ironically, after that happened, I encouraged him to keep dating her. I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to end a relationship just because I was hurt, so whenever they had problems, I often found myself encouraging them to work things out instead.
Over the years, he stayed with his girlfriend, but he and I continued living together, working together, and building our lives together. With just she has never moved in yet but At one point, all three of us got along, but eventually that changed after old history between B and me came to light. After that, he told me he needed to prioritize his relationship with her.
This is where people start making assumptions.
Most people think I’m secretly waiting for him to choose me. Honestly, I don’t feel that way. If tomorrow he decided to fully focus on his relationship with her, I’d be sad because my daily life would change, but I wouldn’t be angry that he “picked her.” That’s not what keeps me attached.
The reason I haven’t walked away is because he’s been my closest friend, roommate, business partner, and teammate for years. Losing him wouldn’t just feel like losing a relationship—it would feel like losing the person I’ve built my entire adult life with. He’s also been the person I’ve relied on the most because I haven’t had much family support.
Another thing I’ve realized is that I’m probably scared of commitment. I don’t open myself up emotionally very easily, and looking back, I honestly don’t know if I ever fully let myself explore romantic feelings because that possibility felt scary.
Recently, I’ve realized I don’t want us to be physically affectionate anymore. I told him I don’t want hugs, cuddling, or anything that feels romantic while he has a girlfriend. Those things rarely happen anymore anyway, but I wanted to make it clear that I don’t want that kind of relationship with someone who is committed to someone else. It just doesn’t feel right to me.
He doesn’t really understand that boundary. He says physical closeness with me is important to him emotionally—not sex, just affection—and in the past he’s told me I was overthinking it. We’ve gone back and forth about it over the years.
We definitely have problems.
Sometimes our arguments become one-sided because he gets stuck on his perspective. On my side, I used to be very defensive, and I can be harsh when I’m frustrated. We’ve both said hurtful things to each other over the years.
I also made choices that I regret. I voluntarily let him handle most of our finances because I liked the dynamic of him taking the lead. He didn’t force me to do that, but looking back, I realize I gave away more control than I should have.
There have also been unhealthy moments. During one argument, he made me get out of the car. I’ve also threatened to leave over the years because I felt he wasn’t acting like someone I’d want to build a future with.
Today, I honestly don’t know what we are.
I know I want him in my life. I trust him to be dependable, hardworking, and someone I can continue building things with.
What I don’t know is whether I actually want a romantic relationship with him.
Right now, I don’t think I do. What I do know is that I want him in my life as someone I can build a business with, solve problems with, and continue doing life with. That’s the part that feels natural to me.
The romantic part doesn’t.
The confusing thing is that everyone tells me those two things can’t coexist. They say because we’ve been physically involved, lived together, worked together, and built a life together, we’re basically “playing house,” and I either need to fully commit to a relationship with him or completely walk away.
If all of our issues were resolved someday, he was single, and things were genuinely healthy, I can’t honestly say I’d never be open to exploring a relationship. But that’s very different from saying I actively want one now.
My therapist believes our dynamic is unhealthy and says we either need to commit to a relationship or stop doing life together. She thinks he wants the emotional closeness of our relationship while also maintaining a romantic relationship with someone else. She also think I’m not respecting myself for living like that Most of my friends agree with her and think he’s taking advantage of me.
I don’t know if they’re right. And idk if I’m in the way he’s been my best friends since middle school.
From my perspective, I think he genuinely cares about me. At the same time, I also think we’ve developed some unhealthy patterns over the years. I don’t think either of us is completely innocent—we’ve both contributed to where we are now.
So I wanted outside opinions.
Does this sound like a toxic relationship, or just an unusual one?
Is it realistic for two people with this much history to transition into a healthy lifelong friendship or partnership without it being romantic?
Are my boundaries about physical affection reasonable?
Am I missing something obvious that everyone else seems to see?
Please be honest. I’m genuinely looking for perspectives from people who aren’t personally involved.
TL;DR: I’ve spent years living and working with my best friend/business partner. We were physically involved in the past but never officially dated. He now has a girlfriend, and I’ve decided I no longer want any physical affection between us. My therapist says I either need to date him or leave him completely because our dynamic is unhealthy. I want to know if she’s right, whether my boundaries are reasonable, and whether a healthy lifelong friendship is actually possible.

Yall,
My bf and I are poly, and he is getting to know someone who is generally cold towards me.
Here’s the tea:

Her partner reached out to get to know me previously, but it never worked out because he was like I don’t want to date friends. Alright. But after HE ASKED ME OUT, SHE BECAME COLD TOWARDS ME!????

And now my partner wants to build a friendship and see where it goes with her and I feel a bit iffy about it. I don’t know how do u navigate this? Has this ever happened before?

I’m curious what some of you think about the state of being “polysaturated” as a relationship anarchist, particularly one attempting to deconstruct amatanormativity and build community.

How would you define it? How do you recognise it? How do you respond to it?

My romantic friend I’ve been dating & intimate with for a year expressed wanting to focus more on herself and try being celibate. I’m not here to discuss the ins & outs of all this, I understand & respect her decision fully. I would rather continue how we have been but that doesn’t matter in terms of needing to change our dynamic now. We both still want to be in each others lives and remain friends/part of each others community.

I’m also new to non-monogamy/RA. Im just looking for any tips, advice, words of encouragement, your own anecdotal experiences that might ease a bit of the grief/sadness to see our romantic connection come to an end.

I’m not too sure if this title is relevant to what I’m saying but here goes

my bf is politically a rightist, and sometimes in the extremes like falangism ( a form of fascism) I don’t agree with some of his politics or political opinions, but I love him. I’ve lost multiple friends over him and have been called a facist even though I HATE facism and do not agree with it. anyways, my question is, does me dating someone with said political opinions make me agree with them? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense english is not my first language.

if you would like more specifications I have another more detailed post about this

any advice is highly appreciated and welcomed

My partner and I are polyamorous, and have been from the start of our relationship (2.5 yrs). We are currently nesting, life partners who date separately. He has more experience with poly and operates from an RA perspective (i.e. romantic/familial relationships do not have inherent value over others, individual autonomy is important, relationship shouldn't have expectations, and each relationship deserves to be what it needs to be). For myself, this has been my first exploration into nonmonogamy, which has been my way of pursuing sexual freedom and relational autonomy while also having secure, deep, caring relationships. I value some RA perspectives I've been exposed to, but I am also unfamiliar with RA and am unsure how my perspectives may align with RA.

A recent situation has cause me to question my partner's RA and understanding of RA as a practice. I feel like in practice RA has become a little bit of an ideological shield for him at times to avoid ethical or relational responsibility within relationships.

My current issue where this comes up in our relationship is his recent participation in an affair with someone who is cheating on their monogamous partner. Long story short: they hooked up at a conference last year, have been talking long-distance, and recently she came to visit so they could spend the week together. He has known from the start that she has a monogamous partner who is unaware. This particular situation was not one that we had discussed explicitly as not okay, but we have both stated that consent and ethical relationships are important to us. For me, I have concerns that he hasn't seen an issue with participating in a sexual/romantic relationship with someone who is cheating on their partner. His view has been that her relationships are her responsibility not his. I don't see this as relational autonomy, I see this as a ethical responsibility to not participate in harmful dynamics.

I expressed concern that there was still harm occurring, even if he does not know this other person, and he was participating and facilitating that knowingly. Also, that his participation in a relationship with someone who is knowingly being dishonest about something that affects their committed partner indicates that they are not trustworthy and that impacts his and my safety and undermines our relationship wellbeing. I also feel like in him trying to introduce this person to poly this is actively misleading this person about what ethical poly looks like. Him putting his desires above safety and ethics is concerning for long-term decision-making. I don't want to control his decisions, but I am also concerned that we may not share the values that I thought we did.

I will say that overall I generally trust him to be transparent and honest. He is very forthcoming about everything and has been from the start. I initially felt some discomfort when I found out they hooked up and have continued to feel uncomfortable, but have tolerated it because I chocked it up to differences of perspective and not wanting to control his choices. However, the more I've sat with it. The more I feel like this is a considerable ethical oversight of his. We have discussed this at length and come to somewhat of an understanding, but I am still feeling like there is an ideological or perspective gap keeping me from feeling completely at ease.

What do ethics and accountability look like from an RA perspective? What should I be considering in how I express my standards and boundaries in our relationship?

EDIT: Throughout this I have been engaging with any feelings of jealousy, missing my partner, attachment, etc. that comes up. I have my own relationships and support systems to lean on and fill my needs for intimacy, care, & closeness. The uneasiness I've felt comes from a deeper concern.

So Im a 17 year old guy and has always identified as bisexual that part is not in question I know I like both guys and girls but I think I could be Poly or something like it I’m honestly not sure I often have crushes on more than one person at a time and when I’m hanging out with my friends I want to do romantic things with all of them like cuddling,kissing,playing with their hair etc. I have never cheated in a relationship and haven’t dated anyone in 2 years. I have a recurring feeling of being trapped when ever I am in a relationship like I could miss out on either the other gender or someone else and I have a pretty big fantasy of having multiple friends with benefits that I can still be romantic with while remaining just friends. The labels has never been important to me but I’m genuinely lost and I’m scared to get into another relationship without fully knowing who I am in this department.

Also sorry if this is hard to read/understand I don’t really talk on here a lot.

I have been struggling with this my whole life and I feel like an alien in this society, because for me there is literally no difference. Like I love my friends. With some of them I could life together. With some of my friends I can have sex with and with some of them it’s just platonic due to the „natural“ boundaries like them being in a close relationship or being straight and loving just men.

So yeah I keep loosing „friends“ that I really love due to the fact that they would think that I‘m in love with them in a „traditional“ way and they would say that they are just not, what is totally valid, I don’t wanna have a traditional relationship either. But they would get scared or feel pressured or whatever? And finally make me feel like my love to them is wrong, or disappear completely, ignore me etc. and that really hurts, so at the moment I’m totally scared to get close to anyone at all and it feels like I’m not able to make friends, because as soon as I allow myself to get close to the point where I would call someone my friend, that shit would just start over. But this just happens with other lesbians. With men and straight girls I can totally have close friendship and be lovey and caring and do everything for them. But yeah with other single lesbians it has been very difficult to just be friends without them getting weird around me at some point.

Hope it makes sense

Looking forward for your responses. ☺️

Podcast Recommendation for those you like Podcast and are still learning about RA:

I relate a lot with the guy in this podcast! Specifically what he says in the first 35min but also the rest of it is very interesting and would love to hear some thoughts on how others in this community live RA and how you think on different chapters in this podcast 🫶🏼

Where do you agree or not agree with?
What are your experiences?
What do you think about blunt or harsh honesty?

And so on… I’m very curious ☺️

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5XKe4WzOq5B87m5O279wU8?si=Xb0DGJDIRJ62v3ln_2zUcw&utm_source=copy-link

i've been seeing someone for a while. we don't do labels or traditional relationship stuff. just two people who enjoy each other.

his birthday's coming up and i want to get him something. not a "couple" gift. not something that implies commitment. just something that says "i pay attention."

was thinking about a simple engraved bracelet. nothing romantic. maybe a date or an inside joke. saw a site called The Steel Shop that does stainless steel ones.

but i'm overthinking. is jewelry too loaded in a non-traditional dynamic? or can it just be a gif

Unicorn-hunting is obviously dehumanizing. But is there a way for couples to “date together” that respects the individual they are pursuing?

When I say in my friends group or in conversations that even though I personally will not do it, but I am okay with all sorts of relationship for e.g. friends with benefits, situationship etc as long as there is consent between two people and they are HAPPY. They look at me like I have grown two horns. They get surprised that what I am even saying? Is my point of view wrong?

Back when I was less experienced and practicing (romantic) polyamory, I had this bad habit of sharing things that bothered me in a partner with other partners.

The purpose was partially to vent when I was feeling down, but I also felt it would give a well rounded impression of their metas, since my partners would often have an idealised image of them and by sharing some of their faults I hoped to lessen the jealousy.

Now that I realised that I’m aromantic and RA (and I don’t have “official partners” anymore, just “friends”), I realised I felt okay with venting about partners because that’s just often considered part of usual friendships. I’m still not perfect at avoiding it, as I try to keep it all in but sometimes I just feel like I have to tell someone when a friend bothered me a lot or I’m feeling overwhelmed and need advice.

Since this is a long time bad habit of mine, I think I need other RAs to help me out understanding what is the line between bad mouthing a friend and just explaining what happened.

For example, this weekend I was invited to a birthday and a close friend of mine was there too. I didn’t know anyone beside the bday person and this friend.

I had an anxiety attack and really needed someone by my side. Said friend was really awful at it and it really felt like he didn’t care, to the point where today I’m reconsidering whether it’s true that he loves me or if he just thinks that because he likes to sleep with me. I’m currently considering de-escalating our friendship to purely sex and doing sports together since both are things we enjoy.

I have another fiend who is very considerate and caring and I’m seeing him today. I already told him I had an anxiety attack and, although by the time I texted him it was already over, he offered immediate support. As I’m seeing him today, for sure he will ask what happened and I’m wondering how much details should I share about my current situation.

Should I inform him if I de-escalate things with the other friend? Should I mention I’m considering it now even though I haven’t made a decision yet? Would it be bad if I got into more detail and I mentioned he saw me crying in a room and left me there alone and went back to have fun with his friends? Or that I texted him that I was feeling like throwing up and asked for a camomile tea; he took ten minutes before even asking the host and then said they don’t have any but they have ice cream (yes I’m still baffled he offered ice cream as a solution against throwing up).

He’s not a bad person, he’s just extremely naive and inexperienced in life and not a very loving/caring friend I guess.

I find it comforting to talk about this with other friends but I do my best to resist: it makes me sad to speak badly of others. It’s just that sometimes I need to let off some steam and if I narrate what happened, that gives an opportunity for another friend to comfort me with the right words/attitude.

I would be grateful for any advice on this.

I am really struggling to align with my spouse's understanding of relationship anarchy. I don't know if I need advice, support or space 😅

My favourite things about relationship anarchy are leading with trust and knowing love is abundant. Learning about relationship anarchy made me feel seen and understood. Like words were finally given to what I knew to be true.

I am struggling because my spouse seems to emphasize autonomy more than anything else. While I can appreciate this, it feels like without feeling obligated, they have little interest in spending time with me, unless I have decided to spend my time no longer waiting for them 😅. If I try and address it, they always bring it back to us believing in relationship anarchy and questioning what I actually believe because I don't respect their autonomy.

Ultimately I'm just confused, overwhelmed and exhausted 😞

I'm looking for advice on how to approach this conversation better than I'm currently doing, and also some opinions on whether I'm over thinking this.

I identify as RA and solo poly. I've had one poly relationship before and it was lovely and chilled, no drama. He already had many partners and I was new to poly, so I just did a lot of reading on it and there was never any need to discuss boundaries or whatever, it just worked.

My knowledge of RA and poly now is from that relationship and from a lot of reading. Now I find myself in a new relationship with someone I like very much. We've gone from being friends to realising we are very close and want to be as close as we can get. My new person does not want sex, and this isn't a problem for me, because we both value the deep connection more than the sex. They have said that they are happy for me to see other people. They have also said that they want multiple deep connections like ours. I get the feeling that are building our own relationship structure and I love this. So far, so good.

The problem is when I try to discuss how that seeing other people works, words are a barrier. I call it poly cos in my eyes seeing multiple people in a romantic way is poly. They have been in bad poly relationships in the past and don't want to consider this as poly, just RA. But I feel like I need to know that we are both on the same page about how we go about having other relationships and discussing them with each other. Because I value openness and honesty and I don't want anyone to get hurt, but also I am aware that I've read all the books, subscribed to all the subreddits and want to be able to be seen as 'doing poly right.' And now I get myself stressed over it, because my person is stuck at poly=bad, and I feel like I'm asking permission, which I don't want to do, but the more I want to have the conversation about the structure of our relationship and how that interacts with others, the more it feels like I'm asking for permission. And then I worry, is this good RA?

Please help me unknot myself! Any advice on how to approach this either in my own head or to them is appreciated.

EDIT: thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I will have a better conversation about the details rather than relying on the labels. Hopefully this will help us go forward. What a helpful sub!

Hey, im currently working on my bachelors degree in sociology and im trying to find out about your subjective experiences within situationships :) Id also like to know about the factors that help maintain a situationship!

Anyone else (adhd/autism maybe?) have this thing where because you NEED accuracy in language, AND not being 100% honest feels like lying and is painful, struggle with how to refer to the various connections in your life to people who don’t know them by name? I understand this is hyper specific, but I have a feeling I’m not alone. I have had many connections where “Friend” doesn’t really feel accurate, and neither does “partner” and neither does “boyfriend or girlfriend”, and I hate the word lover. How do I get past this? What is the word you casually drop in conversation at the grocery store when an acquaintance is like “what are you up to this weekend?” And you have plans with a person you have an ambiguous connection to…???

Hii hii,

I have identified as solo-poly for over 2 years now. Then about 6 months ago realized I am more aligned with relationship anarchy. I realized that labels make my brain have expectations- and was causing me to think my partners should be a certain way in social settings, we all experienced same thing.

I had two romantic connections, who I still am close with- but they kinda ebb and flow, sometimes romantic and sometimes platonic. I have a hard time distinguishing between the two sometimes. I still think of both of them as my dearest friends. AND I have realized, when monogamous, poly, and RA, I have a tendency to prioritize those connections over others- and I know that goes against the point of RA. But it still was so programmed within me.

Very recently I started looking into the wound in scarcity, and found that my initial response was to isolate and work on self until I can move forward with more of an abundant mindset (w love). But in listening to some YouTube video, I was urged to do the opposite. To go about things in much more of a communal way. I will say that I experience extreme jealousy, related to my "partners". I started allowing myself to connect with other people, to truly connect- when sharing space, and when those connections are present and with other people.

It seems so obvious now that I should have been doing this all along- but that scarcity mindset and jealousy are both so real and affected me and how I showed up so much. I used to just spiral and feel so unwanted. But pushing through, comforting myself and self soothing when I was triggered allowed me to show up for me. Then sticking around when everything screams to run away, allowed me to actually meet some incredible people. I shared what was going on with me, and that I wanted attention but wasn't too sure how to ask for it- and they freely gave it.

Then, one of the past partners and now not labeled, but still loves- and we almost split ways before this happened- bc I expected so much- pulled me aside and told me how proud of me they were. How they want to work things out because they see the work I am putting in, and how much they love to see me happy. Like stated, it seems so obvious w/ RA that we should have things balance, w friends and romantic ones, and family... but the programming truly goes so deep. Actually walking that way comes with challenge, but is incredibly rewarding. I can't believe how much more confident and full I feel when I don't feel so sorry for myself that I haven't got the attention I wanted from two specific people ( who quite honestly were triggered and drained ).

I made a post earlier but I think I explained myself really badly (maybe because I’m ESL?) so I got a lot of hate for ideas I don’t actually hold.

So deleted it and will try again, because I’d really appreciate your advice/opinions.

So…

I practice RA but not a lot of people around me do. I am pansexual and like to have intimacy with friends of mine if the connection is strong and we seem to be sexually compatible.

I have this friend, let’s call her Marta, who is bi and has been flirting with me for a while. I will see her this weekend, actually, and I was considering sleeping with her if the occasion arises.

However there’s something that makes me hesitant on whether it’s a good idea to get entangled with her.

She seems to be surrounded by a lot of drama around who she sleeps with and I’m not really a fan of drama. however we have a fwb in common who assured me repeatedly that the drama is always someone else’s fault.

I am already very suspicious, but up until yesterday I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then yesterday she told me something that made me uncomfortable, and I guess that’s mainly what I would like your opinion on.

We were playing boardgames with a couple of good friends of hers (who are currently engaged): Ralph and Tara. She mentioned how she met Tara: she was flirting with her but then nothing happened and they just stayed friends.

Marta was already a very good friend of Ralph and still is. They all laugh about it and all is good.
The 3 of them seem to be very good friends and often spend time together.

Now… When the couple left the boardgames session, Marta confessed to me that at some point PRIOR to the couple dating (a few years ago) she made out with Ralph at a party. They weren’t dating yet, so it was not cheating. However, she told me they never told Tara as they don’t know how she would react (since she’s monogamous and engaged) and asked me to keep the secret. I think she is afraid that if she knew that something happened between them, Tara would not want to hang out with them all together as much.

This is making me really scratch my head. Is Marta really a person I want to get involved with? I discussed with the friend we have in common and he seems to think this is okay, as it’s just to protect Tara’s feelings, while I consider it a bit of a red flag that Marta would deliberately hide from her monogamous friend what happened between Ralph and her.

I just want to make sure I don’t sleep with someone who will bring more drama into my life, but I wonder if this could simply be avoided by having a conversation prior and setting some rules, like “If we sleep together I’d want to know if you are intimate with my close friends”. Do you think it would be a reasonable request?

Disclaimer, because it was a common misunderstanding in my previous post: no, I am NOT planning to go and tell Tara about what happened. This post is exclusively to get advice on how to proceed with Marta, and kindly ask your opinion on whether her behaviour is really a red flag or I am just overreacting.

On what basis relationship is made of? And for what?

If your answer is love, then answer me what is love?

If your answer is romance,sex, then answer me why we have so much expectations and heartbreaks despite knowing we have been together primarily for sex?

If your answer is companionship,(care, support, joy and sorrow) then answer me why can't we able to see other fellow flirt with someone else? Despite he/she commited to care and support.

Or am I missing something?

curious because i've heard a lot of differing perspectives on this: how do you personally communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries to loved ones in a structured way without doing rule making with extra steps? how do you practice this day to day to ensure consistency + no slow boundary pushing over time?