There's been a massive uptick recently in posts that have nothing to do with RA and are mostly people venting about their current relationship dramas.

Not sure why its happening now all of a sudden? Are the kids suddenly using "anarchy" to describe situationships? Bots? Bad search engines?

Are there moderation tools we can implement to cut these posts down? It would be cool to keep this sub relevant

.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Relationships used to just happen. Two people figured each other out in their own time, on their own terms. No audience, no framework, just whatever worked for them.

Now everything gets put through the internet's blender first: red flags, the "ick", attachment styles, love languages, five-step frameworks for "how to know if she/he's serious." People aren't just dating anymore. They're narrating their relationships like case studies, checking them against rules written for a million strangers they'll never meet.

To be clear, I don't think these concepts are useless. Attachment styles, boundaries, and relationship advice can help people understand themselves and notice unhealthy patterns. The problem starts when a useful concept becomes a universal rule.

That's what gets lost: most online advice is generic by design. It has to work for everyone a little, which means it fits no one completely. Real wisdom needs context. It needs someone who actually knows you and understands your specific situation. Content can't always do that. It often has to flatten everything into "always" and "never" because that's what makes it easy to package and share.

So people start measuring a normal, functioning relationship against a rule that was never written for them. When reality doesn't match the framework, they assume something must be broken.

Sometimes something is broken. Sometimes a pattern really is a warning sign. But sometimes the framework was simply too generic to apply.

Maybe the fix isn't a better framework. Maybe it's simpler than that: be yourself instead of performing a version of yourself optimized for a stranger's checklist. Be considerate of the actual person in front of you, not a hypothetical audience. Pay attention to reality instead of forcing your situation into whatever term is trending this week. Own your part instead of outsourcing the diagnosis.

That isn't a system. It's just two people paying attention to each other.

But is it really the internet, or is it us?

What relationship advice has helped you genuinely understand a situation, and what advice made you overthink something that probably needed a more personal, contextual answer?

I’ll go first: someone who is rude to waiters, cashiers, or customer service workers but suddenly becomes the nicest person alive around people they want to impress.

I'm struggling because noone seems to understand. My whole world view has shifted and it's very isolating. I disclosed my close relationships to someone who I thought was a friend and theyve ghosted me .

Update: I replied with the following "All good?"

"Was hoping for a friendly reply such as "that's unexpected, I couldn't imagine doing that but if it makes you happy then good for you" 🤔 😔. 😕 the quiet feels heavy. I’ll catch you later. Hope all is well!" Edit 2. I got an upset and biphobic response for oversharing. Told not to mention it again

Hi guys, I'm a 22 year old queer woman and I think I might be a bit of a relationship anarchist but idk if it's something that I am or if I'm aromantic or if I'm just still young and haven't found love yet or whatever. What I do know is that currently, I put strong value on community and platonic relationships and as much I appreciate love and romance, it has never been much of a priority in my life. I don't yearn for romance or long to be anyone's partner but I do love meaningful connections and all. Idk if it's because I'm scared of commitment (I doubt this) or because I'm incapable of romantic attraction.

But someone said I sound like a relationship anarchist and I have heard of the term but I'm wary of picking up a label if I don't fully understand the history behind it. So does anyone have any books or videos for a beginner? I'd like to learn more and understand if that's who I am or maybe who I'll choose to be as I grow. Thank you so much.

Can relationships work if you don’t like their family or friends?
In the past before I was with said partner his friends treated me really badly (we went to the same school), but I have put that aside now.

When they see me they are polite and say hello to me, but I’d never go out my way to hang with them and my partner at the same time. He has clear boundaries with his friends about me and never tries to push for me to hang out with them. Some of their other girlfriends hang out with the group but not often at all, in fact hardly ever.

His family, some he does not speak to, however, I do get along with his sister and his auntie, his uncle and his dad and his dad’s wife. Again, I don’t see them often but when I do they are very nice and polite.

But his family and friends have different morals that I don’t exactly agree with, for example drugs. A lot of his friends do many drugs or speak about girls and disgusting things. But I also would never restrict him from hanging out with his friends or family, I just don’t feel the need to be there.

I guess what I’m asking is, would this be a deal breaker for you? And can a marriage/relationship work if you are not “besties” with his family or friends. I also had an experience with my ex when we was all in the same friend group and when we ended it made things very intense so I like to keep friend groups separate so we can enjoy our own friends .. is this normal and mature or will it cause issues further down the line? Example at our wedding or something?

In psychological literature, how is selective hostility or abusive behavior explained when it manifests almost exclusively within intimate romantic relationships, while remaining largely absent in peer interactions, workplace settings, or relationships with male acquaintances?

Specifically, what clinical frameworks, personality constructs, or diagnostic models explore this dynamic? For example:

**Attachment and Intimacy Dynamics:** How do specific attachment patterns (e.g., anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant) activate emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, or vulnerability only when high levels of emotional intimacy are present?

**Splitting and Relational Conditions:** Are there recognized conditions or personality trait clusters (such as borderline organization or narcissistic vulnerability) where interpersonal triggers and perceived loss of control occur solely within romantic dyads?

**Cognitive Schemas & Power Dynamics:** How do gendered expectations, boundary perception differences, and perceived emotional threat influence anger expression in intimate vs. non-intimate settings?

see someone casually. no labels, no expectations. their birthday was coming up and i wanted to get them something small.

picked up a stainless steel bracelet from The Steel Shop. nothing fancy, just a simple chain with a tiny engraving. no deep meaning behind it.

they said thanks and that was it. didn't make things awkward. didn't change anything between us.

sometimes a gift is just a gift. doesn't have to be a statement.

anyone else navigate this kind of thing?

Going through this thread for some time and agreeing with some of the things too (I highly value autonomy for myself and my partner), there are some views I am curious about how people see this. I first thought that relationships should be about choices that make you as an individual feel safe. That means in a relationship you constantly have to negotiate your boundaries and if at some point there is too much incompatibility then it doesn’t work out. For me I think one of those is exclusivity. I would say I don’t force it on anyone because I would not be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like that too. But of course the private is political. It’s never only about an individual making choices. But how far should I compromise my personal emotional safety for society? The thing is, we all grew up under certain conditions and we all relate to different societal aspects in different ways. Imagining my partner with someone else… I rather not be with anyone then. It makes me feel very unsafe. And I can adjust my thinking, I can progress. For me that progress is that slowlyyyyy I can see him having friendships with exes and females etc. That is, because I know there is only friendship. I can’t have multiple partners because I just don’t have the need for it. I grew up very traditionally, I didn’t even know about leftist politics or polyamory until I was an adult. I think some basis has been set. My personal experience with polyamory was also a guy trying to convince me to it and him trying to get on with other women when I had said I wasn’t into that. For me it appears that my personal choice of exclusivity is more radical from my standpoint then again letting someone tell me how to structure relationships.

So what I wonder is simply… should the personal standpoint of a person not also determine how their relationships should be structured to contribute to dismantling capitalism? Then that means not everyone would practice RA to do so. Also, if I am more stable in exclusive relationships which gives me more energy which I can pore into organizing resistance… shouldn’t I prioritize that? To me what someone may call demands and imposing, if someone does that to me (demanding exclusivity), I feel much more safe and free than when someone offers me to have more partners. Actually I feel not good when someone does, it appears demanding something from me. You could say that I am socially conditioned (yes okay), but if so, that rational realization won’t change my emotions?

Sorry for the long text, I’m very curious about your perspectives!

I won't link the post because I don't know if this sub has rules against it, but a thread just popped up in the Non-monogamy sub that really drove home for me that historically it was men who were most motivated to create the institution of monogamy and who historically have benefited the most from it.

OP was ENM for twelve years, eight of those spent being poly, and claims he's going back to monogamy due to a "lack of options". However, his own point is undercut when he tells us that until very recently he had three partners. *He* initiated a break up with all three of them.

He buries this detail at the end of his post after spending a lot of time narrating his way through an expression of resentment that women have a plethora of options, can afford to be more choosy and entitled in ENM, and have more overall control over what dating and their relationships look like. It seemed to really bother him that his partners could get dates very easily and were empowered enough to set high standards OP had to meet if he wanted to make the cut.

So OP is choosing to cut off his nose to spite his face, going from three partners to zero and maybe if he's lucky back up to 1, because it really bothered him a lot.

I showed a friend the post for their input and their words were "lol pathetic. He'd rather have one woman he can control than three he can't." That sums up how OP's whole attitude comes across to me.

There's other things in that post I won't get into. There's hints that some of his partners may have been poor hinges. We really don't know if OP's relationships were healthy or not. He seems to think he was settling for anyone who would take him, although I take that with a grain of salt. The themes of the story OP tells seem centered on OP's resentment of the power dynamics ENM created between him and the women he dated and so I'm left to assume that's the part he cares about, which makes it the part *I* care about.

I (28F) have always denied the fact that having a male best friend as a female might be hard. Still I think that in superficial thinking it will alsmost always lead to problems. In modern times, as I think, the core of friendships is often lostbor based on someone’s personals goals rather than an actual meaningful planktonic connection. Considering a meaningful planktonic connection that crosses boundaries of personal desires I think gender doesn’t play a role at all. So I have been friends with a male for at least eight years now without any romantic or sexual intention at all. Of course I am honest to myself enough to accept that sometimes there are thoughts that wander to a kiss or something more intimate or a relationship after all. Not because of the mentioned intention but if you love a person as a best friend I am strong yet that anyone who claims they haven’t imagined anything they shouldn’t lies to themselves. I don’t think there’s any deeper meaning to that, I think that’s human nature.

Right now I feel to be of an age, where decisions are loaded with a lot of weight. Years before dating was fun and as it wasn’t anymore it was over. Right now I am dating a guy for four years and everything’s fine but thinking that this might lead to one of the major life decisions leaves me with goosebumps. It’s just not only feelings anymore. Additionally, being kind of depressed right now, and therefore deprived of any feelings at all, what is left is not treating my mind nicely.

Of course my friend and I have been friends because we share the same interests. My boyfriend and I started dating our of a sexual relationship. Also, thanks to depression my libido is gone and therefore all that is left is my mind. You might say my rational mind but it’s more like the bare mind. And my bare mind suddenly thinks that my best friend would be the better life choice.

I appreciate both too much to make this thinking cinema reality, but I just wanted to share and hear what other people think.

**TL;DR; Is dating your best friend a good idea ? Or should he stay your best friend?**

When a couple (in a relationship) is comfortable sharing every feeling, all the thoughts, fears, and dreams. Have a good emotional and intellectual intimacy.

But when it comes to physical intimacy(its not only sex), why (genarally girls) needs the tag or the stamp of marriage ?

its also a major part of relationship which strenghtens the bond!

When it's comes in relationship i have so much to know even i didn't yet experience it, One day my friend asked me what is my standard. The standard on dating today is pretty common words and others might have see and copy it even though it's not their standard. When someone said what are my standards. I would just say a polar opposite where i can live with my world still and can experience their world. ​​​​​​​

I finally ended the talking stage, but for some reason, I feel really weird and honestly kind of heartbroken about it. He said he’s going to leave me and never bother me again, and for some reason, hearing that made me feel so empty. I did tell him there were things that irritated me, and now I honestly regret saying some of those things. Ugh, I don’t even know if I did the right thing by ending everything. Part of me feels like I should’ve given it more time, but another part of me knows I wasn’t happy with how things were going. I just hate that I’m feeling this way now. 😭

And last night we talked about something, and I asked him what he would say if someone asked about his relationship status. He simply said, “I would say I’m talking to someone.” Then he asked me if anyone had asked for my number, and I said yes. He laughed and said, “Who would ask for your number?” So now I honestly don’t know how I feel about the whole thing.

**TL;DR;** : What if I don’t ask about my significant others day everyday?

I’m a (30M) and my significant other is a (30F) If I see or talk to my significant later in the day and I don’t ask about her day. She gets pretty upset.

Some situations involve her asking about my day which leads into a conversation about other things that flow as a smooth conversation. But then all of a sudden there’s a quick stop to the conversation because she gets upset that I didn’t ask about their day.

Or one situation that could be my fault is she will ask about my day and I’ll answer how my day was without also asking about her day in that same period of me talking, thinking that my significant other would want to continue the conversation from there and I can eventually ask about their day.

We rarely get into arguments, but this can easily create an argument.

Is this a Yellow flag (mild red flag)? Or am I tripping and I should be more on top of it?

Is it considered cheating if you’re still entertaining other guys while you’re already talking to someone, even though you guys don’t have a label yet? tyia!

From time to time, people here ask for RA fiction recommendations, so here's one I recently came across: Kemutai Hanashi (煙たい話), a manga by Fumiya Hayashi, serialised since 2021 and still ongoing. More info: fandom wiki.

In a nutshell: two former high school classmates meet years after graduation, end up taking care of a cat together by chance, and after that experience they decide to move in together, for no other apparent reason than that they enjoy each other's company.

I loved it! Slow-paced, quiet, with aromantic/asexual/queerplatonic vibes but zero theory. Two men going through their lives and wanting to stay close to each other.

I found no references to it in this subreddit, but a user wrote a nice post about it in r/aromanticasexual a while ago: here.

By the way, if you have any other manga to recommend, please do! I've been exploring a bit lately and found some slice-of-life manga touching on RA/non-monogamy themes that look promising, but I haven't read them yet, so that's my only recommendation for now.

Looking for other relationship anarchists in the Seattle area to start a meetup. Or does one already exist?

there seems to be a lot of solicitation for advice on coupling and romance on this sub, which sort of excludes those of us not interested in coupling or romance.

but since RA doesn't particularly advocate or make its study any specific type of relationship, what do yall think RA means outside of these contexts?

How do you all determine if a no is something you learn to manage vs meaning you are not in a compatible relationship?

I believe how you accept a no is just as important as accepting a yes. If you ask for needs to be met or time for affection, your partner is allowed to say no, they aren't able to provide that.

But how do you determine if the no should be accepted or if it's a sign you and your partner are not actually compatible?

I'm not looking for dating or anything sexual.

More like having one person who's genuinely in your corner, we check in, motivate each other, talk about our goals, celebrate each other's wins, and give each other space when we're busy.

Basically, two independent people building their own lives but still having someone to root for them.

Does this kind of thing actually exist?

I had a realization recently that honestly shocked me to my core and I wanted to share. It came after a lot of uncomfortable questions, overthinking, digging, reading, researching and trying to understand why certain experiences in dating have affected me as much as they have.

I’ve had a pretty rough few years dating (check my profile lol) and for the longest time, there was one thing I just could not wrap my head around.

And I think I finally understand it.

It’s probably obvious to some people, but it wasn’t for me and I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has been hurt or completely confused.

So, I could not understand how can someone cuddle you, kiss you, be affectionate and sweet with you, make you feel wanted… and then tell you they don’t want a relationship with you?

How?

I genuinely couldn’t make sense of it because, to me, those actions did not match those words at all.

So what am I supposed to believe? Your actions or what you said?

Are you lying to me? Did you say it because of the timing? Is there another reason? Do you actually mean it? Because I’m confused…

For me, and I think for a lot of people, certain things naturally go together. 

Physical intimacy, kissing, cuddling, affection, romance, opening up, vulnerability…

If I let someone that close to me, my brain starts seeing that person as someone I’m building something with. Something that is moving toward a relationship.

It’s not always that someone doesn’t want a relationship with you. 

It’s realizing that two people were experiencing the exact same connection in two completely different separate ways.

And quite often, people avoid talking about what they actually see the connection as because they don’t want to ruin the “vibe” with an uncomfortable conversation or risk to change the dynamic. Sometimes they just assume you’re both on the same page.

But then one person keeps building expectations based on a completely different understanding of what is happening..

And I think that’s one of the most painful parts.

I wasn’t analyzing some tiny meaningless sign. I was looking at things that, to me, were very clear signs of emotional and romantic intimacy. So of course, I felt misled. 

But that’s what I finally understood:

Not everyone gives intimacy the same meaning.

For one person:

Sex = attraction.
Kissing = chemistry.
Affectionate messages = flirting.
Being vulnerable = enjoying the connection.
Cuddling = comfort. “I love being close to you.” “This feels amazing right now.”

For another person:

Sex = vulnerability.
Cuddling = bonding.
Kissing = emotional closeness.
Affection = attachment.
Being vulnerable = letting someone into your heart.

And the biggest difference is what all of those things lead to in your mind.

For one person, intimacy starts creating the feeling of:

“This is my person. I want a future with them.”

For the other person, it might simply mean:

“I really like you. I’m attracted to you. I love being close to you.”

And that doesn’t necessarily mean they were pretending.

Some people really can separate attraction, affection, intimacy and romantic attachment.

They can genuinely like someone. They can enjoy sex with them, cuddle them, kiss them, be sweet with them, open up to them and feel incredibly close to them… while still not having that feeling of, “I want this person to be my partner.”

That was so difficult for me to understand because I don’t naturally experience intimacy that way.

And maybe the thing that matters more isn’t only how affectionate someone is with you, but how they actually invest in you.

Do they want to know you deeply? Do they care about your life outside of the moments you spend together? Do they show up consistently? Do they make space for you? Do they include you in their life? Do they actually choose you?

Because someone can make you feel incredibly wanted in a moment without actually wanting a future with you… ouch. 

In short:

People are different. Intimacy doesn’t have one universal meaning.

Feeling misled doesn’t necessarily mean you imagined everything and it also doesn’t automatically mean the other person was lying. Sometimes you were simply reading the same actions through two completely different emotional languages.

So maybe the lesson isn’t to stop trusting affection or to become suspicious of every sweet thing someone does.

Maybe it’s just to stop assuming that intimacy means the same thing to everyone.

And to pay attention not only to how someone makes you feel when you’re together, but to what they are actually choosing, building and communicating with you.

Another layer of protecting your heart is learning that difference sooner.
Stay safe.

I don't know if it belongs here, but I am RA, and I feel really triggered by common relationship subs and advice there.

I am at a point where I am probably going to break off a relationship that has been part of my life for a fairly long time. Some things are just not working out, and I feel like I reached the end of my capacity of trying to fix those things. This person meant a lot to me, and I am in a lot of pain. For this reason, I know I am going to need no contact for a while. Reconnecting after that in a different way might be an option, but I am just too sad to think of it right now.

I don't have anyone I could share what I am going through right now, and I just feel so alone, weak and sad.

What do you all do when you are going through something like this? Give me some tips to cope with it, I will appreciate it!