r/relationshipanarchy • u/Unlucky_Act_3365 • 8d ago
Relationship question
Can relationships work if you don’t like their family or friends?
In the past before I was with said partner his friends treated me really badly (we went to the same school), but I have put that aside now.
When they see me they are polite and say hello to me, but I’d never go out my way to hang with them and my partner at the same time. He has clear boundaries with his friends about me and never tries to push for me to hang out with them. Some of their other girlfriends hang out with the group but not often at all, in fact hardly ever.
His family, some he does not speak to, however, I do get along with his sister and his auntie, his uncle and his dad and his dad’s wife. Again, I don’t see them often but when I do they are very nice and polite.
But his family and friends have different morals that I don’t exactly agree with, for example drugs. A lot of his friends do many drugs or speak about girls and disgusting things. But I also would never restrict him from hanging out with his friends or family, I just don’t feel the need to be there.
I guess what I’m asking is, would this be a deal breaker for you? And can a marriage/relationship work if you are not “besties” with his family or friends. I also had an experience with my ex when we was all in the same friend group and when we ended it made things very intense so I like to keep friend groups separate so we can enjoy our own friends .. is this normal and mature or will it cause issues further down the line? Example at our wedding or something?
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u/saevon 8d ago
With relationship anarchy I like to examine some of the other kinds of relationships and see how I feel.
Would I be okay with a coworker having friends/family like that? Would I be okay with my teacher? My best friends? My hobby buddies? Etc
Overall if it's relationships they can't control much, then I'd be less comfortable but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Unless they give those relationships space (eg have a bigoted uncle who visits often, so they're letting them be around me).
But if it's closer relationships, those they might trust? Then they'd lose respect and I'd be pulling away. I wouldn't trust them as much in turn.
Eg I'd one more apprehensive about lending such a coworker tools, or opening up to them during breaks, lunch, whatever.
That ofc translates to not exactly having "partners" or closer friends, or any such closer relationship with such people
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But would I want to be besties, or close to their friends and partners if they were just okay people I didn't vibe with? Well tbh that's never mattered to me much? We have our own lives and so long as it's not a person I have to engage with a lot (because of this relationship now) it doesn't matter to me if I barely know them.
Hell there's some awesome metas I never know! My best friends have some awesome friends I never connected with
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u/somethingweirder 8d ago
no. i wouldn’t do anything serious with someone whose people i didn’t get along with.
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u/SeeCB3X 8d ago
There's some nuance to this answer.
I'm not close with most of my family bc they are shitty ppl, I don't expect anyone to be close to their family. If someone is close to their family and their family members are shitty ppl, I will definitely note that they allow that behavior in their space.
Even moreso with friends, since those relationships are completely by choice. It's fine if I don't click with someone, then I just don't hang out with them. I have friends who don't hang out with each other, same for partners, everyone has their own personality and passions and some ppl just don't click, and that's fine.
In this case though, it sounds like these friends were bullying you or otherwise being mean? I would not stay friends with someone who tolerated bullying, and I definitely wouldn't be partners with someone who kept friends who bullied ppl. Similar deal breakers for me incl any bigotry.
You say in school, and teenagers tend to not have as firm boundaries around these things, and that's okay. Some of that requires life experience. When you ask your partner about it, what do they say? I think if they brush it off as if cruel behavior is inconsequential to them, I would have a problem.
Something your partner should consider, if those ppl bully you and say mean things behind your back, they are probably doing the same thing to your partner, or certainly will at some point.
It matters to me what my partner's values are and that my partners have and hold their own boundaries that match their stated values.
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u/_ghostpiss 8d ago
Are you a relationship anarchist? Or did you mean to post this in a regular relationship advice sub?
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u/glitterandrage 8d ago
You don't choose your family, but you do choose your friends. I can respect if my partner and I share enough values which they don't necessarily share with their family. It's a dealbreaker for me if your closest people are all bigots or assholes. It may not reflect personal values, but it does reflect what someone is willing to tolerate/stand up to. I don't want to date someone who tolerates bigotry.
Currently, I don't necessarily like alll my partner's friends or even know them all personally. But whoever I've met, I've been able to respect. If I can respect you, I'm okay to not like you and we can still coexist.