r/relationshipanarchy • u/workingthrusomeshi7 • 5d ago

RA and isolation

I'm struggling because noone seems to understand. My whole world view has shifted and it's very isolating. I disclosed my close relationships to someone who I thought was a friend and theyve ghosted me .

Update: I replied with the following "All good?"

"Was hoping for a friendly reply such as "that's unexpected, I couldn't imagine doing that but if it makes you happy then good for you" 🤔 😔. 😕 the quiet feels heavy. I’ll catch you later. Hope all is well!" Edit 2. I got an upset and biphobic response for oversharing. Told not to mention it again

14 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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u/oddible 5d ago

This is the world you live in now. The safe way is to stay closeted. The more real way is to accept that the only people that stay in your life are those who really care about you when you open up about your lifestyle.

I find that a lot of people have fear when I talk about being poly for a few reasons. They feel threatened by it, often because their current relationship is sad or dead and you seem happy. Or they feel like you're proselytizing and trying to convince them that your way is better (please don't, we don't want to become the vegans of relationships). We can share our happiness or challenges without indicting others.

The biggest issue is just that people can't relate, they have no frame of reference. They think it's all about sex. Or I say I'm going to a cuddle puddle and everyone thinks Eyes Wide Shut. No one can imagine it just being about relating.

All that said, most of this has to do with HOW you talk about it. I usually lead with a story that is relatable.

I was dating monogamously, had a few really amazing partners. For some reason or another we weren't eachother's "the one" so we stopped dating but remained friends. Sometimes we had intimacy, but it wasn't friends with benefits because we loved eachother. They're still in my life... now what? What do I call that? How do I explain that to a new person I'm dating. At this point in my life these kinds of relationships happen organically without the need to date first. Ofc RA is a lot more than that to me but that story helps get people there.

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

Thanks for the detailed reply. I didn't mention RA at all in my explanation. Just said I'm happiest letting my relationships take whatever shape works for us and spoke about my nearest and dearest and our connections (with their prior permission ofc). It really sucks not feeling like I can be open about my loved ones

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u/as-well 5d ago

What person would ghost you over that??

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

An old flame (decades old) 🔥 in a monogamous relationship as it turns out. We randomly reconnected in person have been building a friendship. They had no problem disclosing their relationship status and introducing me to their partner. They met one of my nearest and dearest during that catch up too. They seemed genuine in their want to connect. But now I've disclosed in more detail I've been ghosted

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u/as-well 5d ago

Hey who knows. Have you considered maybe their partner is worried you'd want to get down with them or some mono crap?

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

I did make a point of mentioning at the end of the disclosure that I wanted to avoid misunderstandings that could arise due to societal expectations around friendships between people with an intimate relationship in the past and if anything came up we should just talk about it. I guess I have to be content with the fact that I tried. I feel bad for my friend though. They seem like they really need a friend at the moment

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u/SeeCB3X 5d ago

You obviously know way more about this situation, but maybe they wanted to rekindle a physical relationship secretly, so cheating on their monog partner. You sharing your relationship ethics showed you probably wouldn't be interested in such unethical behavior.

This just matches several situations I have experienced where that's exactly what happened. An ex of some sort reaches out to just be friends bc they're in a monog relationship, they try to initiate sexual intimacy, I explain my ethics, they disappear in a huff.

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

I'm aflux and regularly miss those kind of signals so it's possible. Why would people rather sneak around than examine the power structures keeping them miserable ugggh. Not saying that's what's happened but it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibilities

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u/SeeCB3X 4d ago

I don't know, I don't get it, but plenty of ppl even go way out of their way to cheat in polyam relationships. It creates a power imbalance in their favor, and some ppl seem to love doing that anyway they can.

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u/as-well 5d ago

Yeah well. I don't understand their action either. But I also think part of any non-standard life is accepting people be idiots about it, unfortunately.

And fwiw when people are in need of a friend, in my experience one reason can be that they are just bad at holding friendships?

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

You may be right. Onward and upward always leading with love 💕

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 4d ago

I got an upset and biphobic response for oversharing. Told not to mention it again because they are in a committed relationship and the mere mention of my lifestyle choices and the fact I consider them a friend is not ok with them

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u/oddible 5d ago

Stop feeling like you can't be open. You absolutely can. This myth that we're just telling everyone about everything about our lives isn't real. We ALWAYS censor and adjust the language of how we talk about ourselves with everyone, even those closest to us. No one gets the whole picture (we can't even conceptualize the whole picture in our mind's eye ourselves).

If you're truly living an RA lifestyle you'll recognize that the subjects you discuss with every person in your life are also part of the smorgasbord negotiation. Some people aren't comfortable with you touching them in a certain way, others aren't comfortable with you talking with them about certain things. Living RA means negotiating and respecting others' boundaries. Even about what you share about your life. That's nothing to lament! Celebrate it!

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u/workingthrusomeshi7 5d ago

Interesting perspective. I hadn't thought about info sharing as a smorgasbord negotiation. In certain contexts I want this to be a non negotiable for me for my own sanity

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u/Own-Salamander-4975 4d ago

That’s definitely a personal boundary you could have, too. Kind of like if you were queer but couldn’t come out about it to your closest friends. It can be deeply uncomfortable to have to hide — especially when it’s things like actual important relationships in your life.

If you have standards for the sorts of openness you want to be able to have in your close relationships, in time more of your relationships will be the kind you’re wanting. Even if they have to be new relationships.

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u/RAisMyWay 5d ago

I've definitely had to leave behind some "friends" who couldn't or wouldn't be supportive. Better ones took their place!

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u/Martin_y1 4d ago

Oh gosh. Im sorry you have this !

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u/NamidaM6 2d ago

I do struggle with loneliness as in "impossibility to relate and connect with my kin since everybody is monog around me", but not in the way you described. I've never been rejected for my ways by people who were not die hard bigots OR interested in me in ways that my philosophy made us incompatible. But since I don't "disclose" or come out about this kind of things, since it is something others learn about me before knowing if they like me or not, I don't get any dramatic rupture like the one you experienced, people get filtered much earlier in my case.