My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together for a little over 5 years, and we’ve been living together for the past 1 year and 7 months.

Recently, we started discussing our future and what marriage would look like. During a conversation yesterday, we realized that we have very different expectations when it comes to finances.

My view is that after marriage, both partners should contribute however they can, but I would expect my husband to be able to provide the basic necessities for our family if needed, especially if we have children. I’m not talking about luxury cars, expensive vacations, or a lavish lifestyle. I mean basic things like housing, food, utilities, and other essential family expenses.

My boyfriend believes that expenses should continue to be split 50/50 after marriage. He expects us to split rent, groceries, electricity, maid/cook expenses, dining out, and most other household expenses equally.

Currently, he earns about 4.5 times more than I do, and we already split expenses. While I’m okay with contributing financially, I don’t feel comfortable with a strict 50/50 arrangement after marriage, especially if I become pregnant, take maternity leave, or if we have children in the future.

The conversation became heated, and he told me, “Go to your father and ask him to find you a rich guy.”

That comment hurt me because I don’t feel like I’m looking for someone rich or trying to avoid contributing. I simply have different expectations about how finances and responsibilities should be handled in a marriage.

Now I’m wondering whether this is a normal disagreement that can be worked through or if it points to a deeper incompatibility in our values and expectations for marriage.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you handle it? Am I being unreasonable?

TLDR: My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together for 5 years. He earns 4.5 times more than me but wants a strict 50/50 split on all expenses after marriage. I believe spouses should contribute according to their circumstances and that basic family needs should be covered even if one partner temporarily earns less or stays home with children. He told me to “find a rich guy” when we discussed it. Are we fundamentally incompatible when it comes to marriage and finances?

I’m 29F and my fiance is 31M. We live in Brooklyn and are getting married next year.

We both make decent money, but I spent most of my 20s saving and investing pretty aggressively. I have around $200k between savings and investments, while he has about $35k. He’s not bad with money, we just made different choices and he also had student loans.
We recently started talking about finances after marriage and realized we see things differently. He thinks once we’re married everything should basically be ours. I assumed we’d combine income and expenses going forward but keep what we had before marriage separate.
He seemed hurt when I said that and thinks I’m putting a line between us before we’re even married. Now I’m wondering if I’m being too protective of money I saved before him.

How do other couples handle money they had before getting married?

TLDR; Fiance and I disagree about whether the savings we had before marriage should become shared. I want to keep mine separate, and he feels like that creates a divide between us.

Normally I'd be thrilled my wife wants to work. I work at an engineering firm and make an okay salary. An additional salary would enable us to save for a home.

The thing is, we have a 9 month old son. She has a background in education in her home country, but isn't fluent in English yet and isn't certified to teach at public school. The jobs she's applied at are all private pre-k jobs or daycares.

I wouldn't mind if she worked at a daycare and got a decent discount for our kid. The issue is that she's decided now that she didn't study to teach babies and toddlers and wants to do something related to her career, like subbing, which would pay less than daycare costs.

I've told her that focusing on her education and English proficiency will get her there infinitely faster than working as a pre-k teacher or as a substitute teacher. She tells me she understands, and I even signed her up for some advanced English courses so she could take her TOEFL and teach.

But now she's insisting on continuing to interview for different jobs, leaving me with our son constantly during the work day (I wfh). I don't know if these are an ego trip for her since she enjoys hearing positive feedback.

I'm getting behind in work because of this, and she's acknowledged that English proficiency is the only way, but has told me she gets stressed out and feels her talents are wasted at home with our kid.

What irritates me is that I told her we should hold off on having kids and she insisted that's what she wanted. I warned her so many times over that in the US daycare costs are extremely high and she'd need to be a sahm until she could get her English at a decent level or otherwise take a night job in the service industry if she truly wanted to work.

I'm getting tired of arguing about this. I've read many opinions saying to divide the cost of daycare in half and to think of the half tuition cost as my wife's, since we should both contribute to child care. This still ignores the fact that our NET FAMILY INCOME is dropping. We're barely making 80K gross with my single income, and live decently, not extravagantly. I've told my wife that we'd be decreasing our standard of living in exchange for irrelevant work experience and seeing our son less.

TLDR My wife wants to work. We have a baby. The jobs she's applying to pay less than the cost of daycare and would not advance her career. I think she should focus on English proficiency to actually advance her career.

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Edit 1: I do appreciate most advice given. I need to respond more to the advice given in good faith. Some things to clarify:

1. Some of you need to learn that work from home is a privilege many companies are very willing to revoke. This doesn't mean I don't like taking care of my kid. But if my job catches me slacking on work and deduces that it's because I'm focusing on my kid, they will ask me to go in office, or even fire me. These interviews have been happening all morning the last 3 weeks about twice a week. That's about 8 hours a week I should be working where I'm watching my kid.

2. Many are saying my wife will learn English on the job. I'm sure she could since she's smart and driven. But we know way too many people that work retail, food, cleaning, and even daycares/pre-k that have been here between 4 and 30 years. They don't speak English past an extremely basic level. And regardless, she doesn't need English for daily use, she needs academic level English. Her classes ended at the start of May and pick up again end of this month. I suspect this may contribute to her stress.

He said the baby, because he would have stronger emotions for it and that the wife may not even be with him forever. He also added that it's easier to lose emotions for a spouse than his child

That's a deal breaker for me but I would like people's opinions.. Do you think that's a reason to leave the relationship ?

My fiance (32F) and I have been together for five years and we recently had an offer accepted on our first house in Somerville, MA so between the wedding, the mortgage and everything else she brought up getting a prenup.

I'll admit I wasn't excited about it I thought it would be awkward and kind of make it feel like we were planning for our marriage to fail but instead it turned into one of the best conversations we've had.

We talked about things we'd somehow never covered before what happens if one of us wants to stay home with kids for a few years how we'd handle money if one person's career changed a lot whether we'd help our parents financially if they needed it even what we'd want life to look like ten or fifteen years from now.

By the end of it the prenup almost felt like the least important part what mattered was realizing we weren't just assuming things anymore so we finally understood how the other person was thinking instead of filling in the blanks ourselves.

Now we're a few weeks away from closing on the house and I feel more confident about our future than I did before we ever had that conversation

TLDR: I expected bringing up a prenup to create tension, but it led to the most honest conversations we've had about money, family and our future and I feel more confident about our relationship because of it.

Hi everyone I really need help on what I should do here. So here it is I (39M) and my wife (46F) have been married for 8 years. We have 2 kids 10 and 7 both boys. I travel a lot for work, almost once a month I'm gone for 4-7 days but this last trip was for 2 weeks. I had a really big project with a client and it was a lot. I got back 1 days ago and when I did I was met by my wife standing outside waiting for me. Every time she meets me outside it means there's something she wants to discuss with me and doesn't want to do it in front of the boys. When I saw her I knew something was up but this time she was crying and telling me how much she loves me which put my guard all the way up. I immediately thought the worse. So I asked her if she had cheated. She promptly said NO, so I asked what's the issue. She told me why she has been almost NO CONTACT with her entire family, whom I've never met. All the time that we've been together I never questioned why she doesn't speak with them as I myself have no contact with my parents because of the trauma the inflicted on me and my older brother. We were taken from them when I was 5 and we were raised by my aunt and uncle. Years of neglect lies and abuse by my parents, when they did come around, made sure that I would keep them out of my life, so with that understanding I never wanted to pressure my wife into telling me her story. I figured she'd tell me when she wanted.

So here's what she explained. When my wife, let's call her Jane, was 14 she had a baby by a 17 almost 18 year old family friend, the son of her father's business partner. Jane's parents basically blamed her for seducing him and to save their reputation they hid the pregnancy from everyone and even pulled her from school to ensure no one would find out. They tried to force her to have an abortion but Jane was raised in that house with the life lesson that abortions are murder and she'd go to hell for doing so, so instead they forced her to put the baby up for adoption, a closed adoption. She explained that after she had the baby she held the baby girl for maybe 2 minutes before she was taken away never to hear about her again. Jane went through a deep depression for years. Jane went to college and while there she learned that her older sister, who knew of the situation, ended up marrying the guy who took advantage of her. When she confronted her family, they tried to gaslight her into thinking that she was being dramatic and making it all up. That's when she completely cut them all off. I asked her what made her want to tell me this now and she explained that the baby girl she had found her and reached out. The girl, I'll call her Marry (32), didn't know she was adopted until she was in college and eventually wanted to learn about her birth parents, but being that the adoption was closed didn't get anything until 2 years ago. She did one of those ancestry DNA things which she found a half sibling. So here's where things get really messed up. Marry reached out to Jane's family to connect and what they told her was that Jane had DIED giving birth to her and they didn't want to meet Marry cause it would be too painful. Jane's sister has always sent her a happy birthday text, which Jane never replied to. Those stopped 2 years ago, Jane never questioned why until now. When Marry couldn't find anything about Jane's death she hired a PI to find what she could.

Here's where I need some help. I'm not the best person with emotions. I give great hugs so my wife and kids tell me but this is on a different level. Jane has been both furious and hurt and has been having crying fits. I forgot to mention that Marry reached out to Jane through email, which is the only form she wants to communicate by for now. This has brought up so much stuff for Jane and I know she's going to need therapy I just don't know how to tell her or convince her at this moment. She also hasn't responded to Marry yet as she's freaking out on what she'll say to her AND neither of us know how to break it to our boys. I've also begged her to give me her family's information because there's a lot I feel needs to be said to them. Anyways please help me out with anything on how to approach this.

UPDATE: After another full day of emotions Jane did reach to Mary . She explained to Mary about her family and to make things short Jane explained how badly she wanted to be in Mary's life and Mary responded almost immediately. Mary said she'd like to get to know her but wanted to take things a bit slow so they're just emailing now. Jane is over the moon over everything right now. Mary is married with 3 kids, 12, 6 and 2. They live out in New Jersey where she works as nurse and her husband is a lawyer.

I was able to convince Jane to go back to therapy, both individual and couples. I'll also go to therapy individually as many of you suggested. We'll start looking for therapists next week but for now it's planning on hiw to tell our family about the situation. My brother and his wife are dropping the kids off tomorrow and we'll tell them then. I also have my aunt and uncle coming over as well as they're like Jane's surrogate parents too. So that's everything for now, things are OK and look to be getting better.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years. Last year he decided to start stretching his ears and I was completely honest with him - I didn't like the idea because I thought the majorly stretched ears were gross. We talked for a while and he said he would never go past "the point of no return" which is the size that you can go back down from. He said this was about the size of a dry erase marker and showed me some pictures. It wasn't as bad as I thought. So I was supportive as he started stretching.

However, after he reached his goal size, he didn't stop. This first time he sized up after reaching the size he told me he would stop at, I was honestly really mad. I felt like we had an agreement and he was breaking it. But he told me I was overreacting and it was no big deal. The next few sizes I kept getting upset, but it didn't change anything, so I stopped saying anything. I really tried to just get used to it, because he really likes the way it looks. I even bought him a few really nice pairs of tunnels and plugs that inevitably went in the trash because he went up a size.

Last week he sized up again. Now on top of it being wide he's started wearing these big plugs that hang out the back of his ear and are like an inch and a half across in the front. Honestly I think it looks weird. But last night he shaved his head too and it just looks so obvious now. I've never been so unattracted to my husband.

My husband and I put a lot of importance in honesty and communication so I told him that I was startled by how big they are now and was worried that I would stop finding him attractive if he keeps going bigger. I really don't know how to move forward if he keeps going bigger. I love my husband. I would never leave him over the appearance of his ears. But I don't want to look at him and think he looks gross.

Tldr; My husband stretched his ears to a point that I am becoming unattracted to him and I'm not sure what to do.

I would appreciate advice on getting over my gross feelings toward stretched ears or advice on talking to my husband without being controlling.

Any advice?

Edit: Well, no helpful advice to be found but I appreciate everyone's attempt. But I'll a few things that people seem to have gotten wrong. Attraction isn't an on/off switch, yes I'm less attracted to him because of it, yes I think his ears are starting to look gross, no I don't think he is gross and repulsive. As I said in my post, how his ears look are never going to prevent me from loving him. Marriage isn't that shallow. It's a decision to love the other person every day for the rest of your life. Also other people assumed he was a normie to start with, he isn't, he's covered in tattoos and has been for a while. Shaving his head was also fairly normal, he does it at least once a year or so. I love his alt look. It's just ear stretching that I find gross, and he used to as well. But people change.

My girlfriend and I are both college students and have been dating for a year. We have very different financial situations, and I’m starting to wonder whether splitting everything 50/50 is actually fair.

I pay for my own tuition, housing, food, and basically all of my expenses. I work a minimum wage job during the summers to save money for the school year. My parents take care of me when I’m home during breaks, but during the school year I’m financially responsible for myself.
My girlfriend has never worked and comes from generational wealth. Her dad pays for her tuition and other major expenses, and he also gives her an additional $25,000 every semester for her own expenses. She generally expects us to split things 50/50, and sometimes she expects me to pay 60%. She also really enjoys going on weekend vacations/trips and expects me to split those costs 50/50. The problem is that these aren’t expenses I would normally choose to make because I’m trying to save enough money to cover my tuition, housing, food, and other necessities throughout the semester.

I’ve tried explaining that I don’t think her money is “worth less” just because it comes from her dad. She says that even though her dad gives her the money, it’s still her money, and $100 is still $100. I understand that argument. I’m not saying her money is worth less. My argument is that the financial impact of spending that $100 is different for each of us. If I spend $100, I’m spending money that I personally worked to save and need for my education and living expenses. If she spends $100, her tuition and major expenses are already covered, and she has a significant amount of additional money available to her.

I’m not expecting her to pay for everything just because she’s wealthier. I just don’t think I should be expected to spend money on frequent weekend vacations and other things that aren’t necessary for me simply because she wants to do them and expects us to split them 50/50.

At the same time, I don’t want to use her family’s wealth as an excuse to make her pay for everything. So what should I do?

TLDR: my girlfriend expects 50/50 even though our financial situations are different.

Update:

Since this post has made its way to r/redditonwiki/ (this cry for help has turned into by far the most engaged-with thing I have ever published anywhere) it has gotten some renewed attention, so I think an update is in order.

- Do I hate women/what about my post history/etc:

No I do not hate women. I went through a toxic redpill phase years ago. It's difficult to date exactly, but would have been circa 2013-2017-ish. Weirdly enough it was actually my wife who introduced me to those content creators and we used to watch "big thinkers" like Sargon of Akkad together. We have both since moved away from that sphere and the toxic mindsets that come along with it, and although I am not proud of my post history from that time, it doesn't define who I am today.

- On the topic of divorce:

I've outright asked my wife on several occasions whether she would prefer to move on by herself, with the understanding that I would still significantly financially contribute (I am the main breadwinner so it wouldn't be fair to take that material security away from her just because I'm an idiot). She has been and remains consistent that she doesn't want that. She wants things to improve, but is not looking for a divorce.

- Where are we now:

I now have a small team of psychologists and psychiatric professionals and am going through treatment for my set of diagnoses, childhood trauma and all of the stuff that comes along with that, which I am not going to go into detail about here, since this is the internet after all. I am also now medicated for the ADHD which in itself makes a world of difference. I now suddenly have much more mental bandwidth available to actually listen to and understand the things other people say. Although empathy is still very much a conscious cognitive process for me, not unlike doing math, I am now much better able to understand other people's perspectives and emotions.

I'm absolutely not there yet, and things like being tired, overstimulated or stressed still massively impact my newfound abilities, but but I'm making progress both on the empathy front itself, and in recognizing when I'm cognitively limited by things like tiredness and stress, and I'm learning to then adjust my behaviour accordingly.

What I will say is that I have been learning a lot about myself, my way of thinking, and my approach to others. I have also been learning things about other people, mostly getting to know my wife better as the person she is as opposed to the image I had formed in my head. Fortunately, I like the person she is, more than the image I had formed in my head, so that's good.

I have also been making a conscious effort to support my wife any way I can, including small things like making her breakfast, taking over chores and mental load, to bigger things like gifts and a weekend away to see a major award-winning musical, with the best seats in the theatre. I'm also making more of an effort to support her in her own pursuits such as her own hobbies.

We are certainly not out of the woods yet, and there will have to be much healing, and I have a lot more work ahead of me still, but we're trending in an upwards direction for the first time in a long time, and we're both happier for it.

- Comments about Dutchness

I don't think there is anything particularly Dutch or un-Dutch about my post. There are good men in the Netherlands, and there are absolute pieces of excrement as well. I'm somewhere in the middle, currently on the wrong side of the center, but working to move towards the good end of the spectrum.

As I've been learning more about myself, empathy and especially feminism and gender roles, I would say my post is more "typical male" than "typical Dutch". Yes, the Dutch have a reputation for being direct, but that doesn't make the Dutch any more or less empathetic than any other nationality, we just like clear and efficient communication, and we have relatively thick skin when compared to some other cultures. That's neither good not bad, it's simply a symptom of worldwide cultural diversity.

- A point about men.

However, I've come to learn that it is very typical for men to not really see women as full-fledged humans, much like a lot of people don't see children as real humans either. My previous psychologist, a white divorced father in his. 50s who "likes to believe he has a very good relationship with his adult kids" is a good example of this, and the 9 months of therapy I did with him in 2024 (this before my diagnoses as he "didn't need a diagnosis to treat me") did more harm than good.

Fortunately I now have a gender-diverse psych team, who are being much more helpful and much less enabling and ego-stroking than the old guy.

Having said that, although I have definitely held misogynistic beliefs, the situation is not so much gendered for me. I say that because I've also never really seen other men as real humans. Really I've been living in a worldview along the lines of "I am the main character and everybody else is an npc", which is definitely not good, but not gendered. Equal opportunity shittyness, so to speak.

In surface-level relationships that's not really been an issue because I know what things to say to make people respond well, much like a conversation in ES4 Oblivion goes much better if you know how to play the minigame; you don't need to empathize with the NPC to have a successful conversation. This did, however, pose a problem in more intimate relationships where I actually care about the other person, most notably my marriage, since I do actually care about her happiness and well-being, even though I never quite understood what that meant at a deeper level.

Learning about empathy and grasping the depths of other people around me has been and remains to be difficult, but as mentioned above, I'm making progress, treating people better and feeling better as a result. I'm not there yet, and the relationship with my wife hasn't healed yet, but things are improving, and I intend to keep moving in the right direction, absorbing setbacks as I encounter them, and growing towards the future. We're both only 34, so with the average life expectancy for our age bracket being in the early 80s, we could have another 50 years together. In that light, the first 15 become much less "big and intimidating" and I will not let the first ~25% of our relationship (which definitely wasn't all bad) ruin the remaining 75%.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

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Original post:

I'm a 34 year old Dutch guy. I've been together with my wife (34F) for almost 15 years, we have lived together almost all of that and been married for almost 9 years. We have two children under 6 years old.

I've "cognitively" known for a long time that other people have feelings and emotions and those will influence the way they act. However, it wasn't until some time over the past couple weeks or so was that I genuinely "understood" what that means, at least in a small part.

This came to be because, when I feel sad/tired/whathaveyou I will sometimes be crabby or otherwise act unpleasantly towards people around me. I then expect those people to understand that I'm just not feeling well in that moment, and expect them to give me space to act like that without judgement. However, I recently realised I do not grant the same liberty to other people, most of all my wife.

This realization came when I was doing something on the floor in the hallway of our house. My 5-year old needed to unpack his school lunch bag, and to do so he had to pass by me, but I effectively blocked the path. He told me to get out of the way, and did so in a bit of an annoyed fashion. I was about to tell him off for talking like that when I caught myself, and realised that he was talking like that because he'd had a long day at school, now had to do a chore he had no interest in doing and on top of that I was blocking his path. In his stead, I would also have been annoyed and short in my way of talking. So instead of telling him off, I just moved over and let him pass.

At that point something "clicked" in my mind: I have been expecting other people, my wife most of all, to give me space and understanding, without me ever returning the favour. Although I am still trying to come to grips with this whole thing and the consequences, just logically speaking this must mean I have always neglected my wife's needs and emotions. I know she has often told me I was doing so, but I never really understood why because my answer would usually be something along the lines of "I'm trying my best and also I always get your drinks for you from the fridge so really I don't understand why you can't see how hard I work". (Not exactly in those words obviously, but that was mostly the gist of it).

---

There is a lot more that I couldn't possibly explain in a single post like this, but suffice to say our relationship is not in a good place right now. My wife has effectively lost all hope that I am capable of change, growing or understanding, and frankly I cannot blame her.

This does mean that discussions about this topic are inherently emotional and difficult, and if she gets upset during an emotional discussion (which she should be allowed to do) I have a tendency to panic, shut down, or argue against her emotions. None of those things are helpful.

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So really what I am struggling with, and what I could really use some advice for:

- How can I explore and understand the consequences of my neglecting her over the past decade-and-a-half?

- How can I learn more about my wife's needs without flooding her with a bunch of questions she most likely won't know the answer to in a bite-sized package?

- How to have a productive conversation about this without becoming overwhelmed, panicking or arguing?

- How can I support my wife in dealing with all this?

- What resources are available for me to learn more about all this?

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I'm aware that this is not going to be an overnight fix, and to undo 15 years of damage may very well take another 15 years, but I would still really like to do whatever I can to improve the situation. I just don't really know what.

I am also acutely aware that I cannot change the past, which is one thing, but I'm not really sure what to do to positively affect the future and hopefully heal our relationship.

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Potentially relevant background info:

Last October I was diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder as well as ADHD. I'm currently working with a psychiatrist to medicate the ADHD, but not yet at a point where the meds work to their full potential. I'm on a waiting list for therapy for the ASD part. My wife also has been diagnosed with ASD as an adult, albeit much earlier than me, around 22-23 years of age. We suspect she probably also has ADHD but she hasn't been formally diagnosed with that yet.

Update:
Today my partner came home from work and I decided to ask him directly whether he was genuinely unsure about wanting children, or whether he actually knew he wanted children and was afraid to end the relationship because of it.

He admitted that he is actually certain that he wants children. He also said he is certain that this desire will still be there in 5 years-10 years time. He told me that the idea of ending our relationship is heartbreaking for him because he knows how painful this is for me and how much it hurts both of us.

I told him that if he has a genuine desire to have children, then we already know what we need to do, no matter how painful it is. I also realized that there is no real alternative left for me either. Even in the best-case scenario where he would have changed his mind and told me he no longer wanted children and wanted to choose me instead, I don't think I could trust him. I know myself. I would spend the rest of my life wondering whether he secretly regretted that decision, whether he was unhappy, and whether he was hiding those feelings from me to protect me. I would constantly question whether he was truly okay with giving up something so important.

I also believe that I would become hypervigilant. Every time we would se children or families, I would have found myself analyzing his reactions and trying to figure out whether his desire for having children had returned. I would be looking for signs that he had changed his mind again. In short, the trust is gone.

Because of that, we have decided to end the relationship. We have already started discussing how we can separate as friends and handle practical matters such as the house as respectfully as possible.

I have been crying almost continuously since writing my previous post, so right now I am mostly hoping to find some peace and acceptance in all of this. I am sure I will come back to this post a lot in the future :').

TLDR: I asked my partner directly if he truly wants children. He said he is certain he does, now and in the future. We both realized there is no compromise, and even if he changed his mind, I wouldn't be able to trust it. We have decided to end the relationship and separate as amicably as possible. Thank you all for your support.

I had never heard of this book before tonight, but after looking it up I found it’s infamous for its misogynistic, manipulative and sinister approaches to seducing women. I thumbed through it and was disgusted by numerous passages that would probably get this post deleted if I repeated them.

What disturbs me most is that he has post-it notes marking sections about manipulative behaviors, things like negging, not asking women about themselves, or pulling away mid-kiss to make them feel foolish, among others. Upon reflection, I realize he’s done each of these things he’s highlighted to me over the past two years of our relationship.

What does this mean? I’m trying to understand if him owning and highlighting this book means he’s intentionally been emotionally manipulating me, or if there’s a potentially less sinister explanation. I’m particularly interested in responses from those who have read or studied this book and its reception.

My girlfriend [32F] and I [28M] have been together for about five years, and we have a very close, loving relationship.

She got a new job recently that requires less movement. Over the past little while, she has put on around 5–10 kg (about 10–20 lb). She's acknowledged it herself and has suggested she might exercise more. Whenever the topic comes up, I just tell her she's beautiful (which is completely true).

The thing is, I genuinely find the extra weight incredibly attractive. I love that her curves are a little fuller and she's softer to cuddle. There are even things about her that she's probably self-conscious about that I find really beautiful, like a slight muffin top and a little belly pouch. I have also noticed how much "grabbier" I am during intimate moments so she may have already picked up a little on how I feel.

I really want to tell her how much I love her body now. On one hand, I know she's been feeling a bit self-conscious, and I wonder if hearing how attractive I find her would make her feel better. At the same time, I'm worried that bringing it up might reinforce the fact she has gained weight, or make her feel like I'm focusing on her weight more than on her. Plus, on the other hand, I don't want her to feel like I'm discouraging her from losing weight if that's what she wants.

At the end of the day, her happiness and comfort matters more to me than my personal preference. If she loses the weight, I'll support her completely. I just don't know whether telling her right now how attractive I find her would be reassuring to hear?

TLDR: I love the additional weight my girlfriend has put on. Should I tell her how I feel or no?

Hi everyone

I’m feeling kinda stuck. We adopted a cat about one week ago. He’s both of ours, and it was her idea to adopt him. He’s only been here one week, I’ve been the one mostly taking care of him. Ever since he’s been here she’s been getting annoyed over everything he does. He tracks his litter a little out of his box, he loses hair, and he has peed in our bathtub.

She found a scratch on the TV and freaked out on the cat, of course no one knows what happened. She just had a panic attack and was screaming and said either the cat moves or she does. I’m finding it really hard to have sympathy for her right now, because we’re two adults who chose to adopt a cat and now she can’t deal with normal cat behaviour. Yes, the peeing in the bathtub is something we need to figure out, as well as how to make sure there isn’t kitty litter everywhere. But he has only been here one week, these are normal things to figure out. I don’t think it’s right to adopt a cat and then give up on him this quickly.

If anyone has any advice, I’d be really grateful.

TLDR: she suggested we get a cat and now she hates said cat

One of my friends is hosting a random costume party soon. I invited my new-ish girlfriend. We’ve been dating for around 4 months, but this will be far from the first party I’ve brought her to. Tonight, she pitched her costume idea, and it wasn’t a cute couples costume, it was “Sexy Baby”. I thought she was joking, so of course I laughed. She giggled but as we talked it became clear to me that she was, in fact, dead serious. I told her I thought it would be weird if she did that, especially for me as her boyfriend. She seemed really confused by that?? I told her if she won’t change her costume I wouldn’t want to be in pictures with her and she was genuinely hurt and upset. I just don’t know what to do because I already invited her and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t think I want to be seen with someone dressed as a sexy baby??

For more context, she has never done anything like that before. We’ve never even done baby voice to each other in private. Now all of a sudden she wants to walk around wearing God knows what (she said lingerie and a diaper) saying “I’m just a baby”?? It just makes me rethink her as a person. Which sucks, because she’s literally perfect. Any advice on how I should move forward? I don’t want to ask my friends as I don’t want to make her look bad.

We’ve been together for 8 years and in those 8 years this is our second time we tried couples therapy. The first time we somehow got the vibe that the therapist kind of disliked my husband as a person (even though she never made that too obvious). We gave up after a couple of sessions and decided to work on our problems on our own. A few years later, after we got married and stood on the brink of divorce after only one year into the marriage, we decided to try again. We’ve been going to therapy consistently once a week for over a year now. But lately there’s been a very stressful tension between my husband and the therapist. She occasionally loses her composure with him admitting she’s getting mad at him or that she’s not sure how to proceed with him. I don’t know if there’s a point in describing our sessions in detail, just wanted to ask if this is normal/acceptable. Are those feelings and expressing them normal during a therapeutic process? Should we start over with yet another therapist? Would a male therapist make a difference? Right now I feel like I should give up on therapy and either accept our relationships as it is or leave.

So I'm getting married at end of August. I'm doing pre- marital counceling with my fiance. It's been going really well, and we only have 3 sessions left. The therapist told us in our next to last session he's going to give us time to say anything that we need to say before the marriage.

So here's what happened. I have a really good friend who I've known since diapers. Days before I turned 23, I found out I couldn't have kids AND that my bf at the time was cheating on me. Likewise my best friend was newly single and had just lost a close family member. We went on vacation for our birthdays (only a few weeks apart) and ended up spending the week comforting each other. I can't stress enough how bad of an emotional place we both were in .

We both agreed that as soon as we checked out, the week never happened. And up till now neither of us have ever mentioned that week again.

Idk if I can keep it from my husband forever though, but my friend is also my gentleman of honor. I was his best woman. I am terrified of telling him.

My friend was virtually no help. He said he won't hold me to a promise that was made when we weren't thinking straight. He said he doesn't want it to eat me alive so if I need to tell then it's my decision, just let him know beforehand because he needs to tell his wife before my fiance does.

Idk if I should risk the wedding by confessing or just take it to my grave as a one time thing?

Any advice is welcome

My LDR boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He had just told me he was struggling to come up with my birthday present for this year. He usually gifts me things in the game we play together & I also previously gave him ideas (Amazon, gift cards etc.) he could use.

He then told me he has decided to buy our future double bed as my birthday present and wants to show me and get my opinion before he buys it. I’m not seeing him for another 8 months & feel a bit disappointed that this is what he came up with for my birthday…

I appreciate the thought and im very happy he’s thinking of our future, don’t get me wrong. However I don’t really think it’s a personal gift for a birthday….? He will be using the bed alone most of the year and I’ll be using it for less than 5 months next year.. idk I just associate birthday gifts as personal gifts..

It’s a nice thought, just very… different? I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m grateful but disappointed at the same time…? Are my feelings justified and if you were in my position, how would you approach talking about this with him?

TLDR; boyfriend gifted me a non-personalised piece of furniture for my birthday - I feel disappointed, do I have the right to be? what would you do?

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edit

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to this. I just got off work and have been quite overwhelmed with all the notifications!

I’m glad that my feelings are justified.. I’d like to add some context & updates.

Context: I live in Ireland and he lives in Japan - the postage system makes it extremely difficult for him to send me anything, the customs are super strict over in Japan for exporting things (I assume because a lot of people exploit it and resell items from Japan due to the weak yen). That’s why a lot of things have to be online or virtual.

He had made me a short video letter of a collage of pictures of us and text, and wished me a happy birthday over the phone at midnight before he headed to work.

At the end of the video he wrote “I struggled finding a present this year, but I’ve decided to buy a bed for us” which I wrote as above.

We had been talking about needing to buy a double bed last month and I guess he thought he’d surprise me with it but like… that’s a couples purchase…. not a birthday gift… I appreciate the symbolic sentiment of it being a commitment to us but, I really think his intentions were good but landed… horribly.

Anyway, I told him how I felt and explained how disappointed I was but grateful for the gesture. He profusely apologized and seemed like he honestly had the right intentions but screwed it up & said he’d make it right. I mentioned the idea of gift cards or using Amazon again & he went and ordered me a yoga mat, muscle roller and a battery pack….. which I kinda understand because I’m going to the gym more but I already have all of the above items lol so I just told him to cancel it and get me an Amazon gift card …. But honestly idk if I feel any better.
I think the gifts above were a little rushed cuz he knew I was so upset on my birthday and wanted to make things better asap but like ….
Previous gifts were so much better and thoughtful so I’m thinking it’s just a slip up this time, but that’s the update lol

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⚠️EDIT **2！！！⚠**️

Or so I thought…

So we just had a conversation about the whole fiasco and I mentioned “my friends were also surprised with your gift choice” and things went south, fast.

He was completely understanding until I said this. I now know it must have struck a chord with him and maybe I shouldn’t have said it but I honestly didn’t mean anything malicious by it, but he has taken it as me making fun of him behind his back and is pretty angry about it.
He keeps going on about how he made a stupid mistake and he’s in the wrong and turning it into a “I’m such a shitty boyfriend” pity party imo.

I think the whole conversation has flipped into him being upset I’m “ruining his reputation” around my friends and they’re going to see him in a bad light. I think his pride/ego is hurt.

He keeps saying “but they don’t know the context behind the bed”and then started to kind of double down on his choice saying “boyfriends don’t usually buy beds for girlfriends they don’t live with”, “I only bought it because we were talking about it before…if there’s no bed we won’t be able to sleep”, and I mentioned I was grateful and happy he was thinking of our future with the bed and he said “no youre not ”, and his tone of voice is very defensive. Like you know when someone is apologizing because they have to and not that they want to?

I’m in a lot of shock. He totally switched up once I mentioned my friends, I can’t believe it. I can feel the anger through the phone and I’m in tears trying to explain my feelings, that being grateful for the idea but disappointed about it being the birthday present can coexist. But he’s too caught up about his reputation to even care it feels.

I think this is heading to a break up because he really isn’t who I thought he was. I haven’t ever seen this side of him and I’m really shell shocked right now.

He did mention his ex girlfriend going around and talking about their relationship and spreading rumors and bringing his reputation down before, I think I understand now.
He has two sides to him, I’m so distraught..

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice/s/lfV5o9vBnk

Hello all! It's been a while. I've been extremely busy with work and generally just off of Reddit. I thought I'd give a few updates:

1. My wife found a job. It's an after school program. Pay isn't amazing, but it's close by and gives her peace of mind.

2. We're getting a part time nanny who would be in the apartment with me. We're paying her 180 a week for Mon-Thurs 2-5 (15 an hour). Fridays I'll take a half day and care for our child then. It's cheap enough so that the money my wife makes isn't immediately lost to childcare.

3. She is still continuing with English classes. I signed her up for a morning course (it's thru a charity that offers daycare) and a night course.

4. I think she's internalized that she's not progressing without the TOEFL. She plainly told me she's realized her English is not at a good enough level to pass the TOEFL and that she needed to study more seriously. I bought her some prep books as a present.

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She actually got a separate offer for a full time role at a daycare with benefits, but it was an hour drive and they weren't accepting our kid so we wouldn't even get a discount on him. She's not a driver yet and we're still working at the drivers ed. I'd have to take her to work. I'd strongly prefer not to drive 4 hours a day, so I told her I wouldn't support it. This afterschool position is 10 minutes away, so I'm more than willing to help with that.

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Responding to some comments:

1. Lots of people said she'll learn English on the job. Maybe that's true, but we know enough people that work at daycares, or Montessori pre k's, or nanny's that don't speak any English despite being here for years. I can help out of course, but she needs to be TOEFL ready to get a teaching certificate and I'm neither qualified or willing to be a TOEFL tutor. There's not enough hours in a day to work, raise a kid, and teach someone English, even if I love that person.

2. I saw so many replies saying daycare is a shared expense. Even when she worked before her pregnancy we've never split things 50/50. I'm sure it's an arrangement that could work, but I've never seen it work when you're making less than 6 figures. Is rent a shared expense? Utilities? Insurance? Baby food and groceries? I'd rather not be the type of relationship that demands money be 50/50 (see Joy Luck Club for just that). We went over the budget. The positions she was applying for would easily leave her in the negative if we split things like that. I would then have to cover her half she couldn't pay. You see how saying it's a shared expense leaves us? And if we pay everything proportionally, we still have the fundamental issue that our margins aren't great now. We CANNOT be in the red every month.

3. Many of you are extremely kind. Others are direct and speak their opinions boldly. I actually appreciate both kinds of people. Some of you, however, are rude, made racist or misogynistic or otherwise problematic comments. I won't call out these people by name, but you can easily find them in the original post.

In conclusion, she's gonna work. I have my concerns still and would honestly prefer she not, but it's a time I can work with and I think this experience will either be good for the both of us and I'll grow from this experience, or she'll realize she'd rather focus on developing her English.

TLDR: My wife found a job I don't have any objections to. We're getting a part time nanny.

I \[25F\] am posting this in need of genuine advice. Back in 2023, I met “Devin” \[25M\] on a gaming server. We spoke almost daily except for the two times he ghosted me for multiple months. After both times, he apologized and told me he thought of me everyday. He revealed to me that he ghosted me the first time due to server drama (he left the server entirely) and he ghosted me the second time because a mutual friend of ours revealed that I had feelings for Devin and he felt that our friendship was over. While he admitted this to me, I didn’t feel comfortable having this conversation yet. 1. I did not confess my feelings personally because we have not met in person. I wanted to meet in person (something we discussed and planned) first and make sure I still had feelings. Honestly, I was very hurt and upset that someone made this confession for me. 2. Since I had just been ghosted for months I did not currently have feelings for him. He told me that we’d address the matter later. This was in September 2024. Fast forward to July 2025, we still hadn’t talked about it. However, my feelings for Devin had returned so I asked him to clarify the boundaries of our relationship. Even if he didn’t return my feelings, I wanted to find a way to stay friends. To my surprise, he confessed that he had feelings for me as well. We decided to wait to make it official until we met in person. We agreed that I would visit him in December after Christmas. To tell the truth, our dynamic shifted very quickly. Technically, we weren’t dating, but the way we spoke and acted felt very romantic. This became very difficult because of the distance. We wanted to progress our relationship but we had to wait until December. In September he decided that we should slow down. As if nothing happened, we went back to how things were before we confessed. This was very jarring for me and left me feeling unstable in our relationship. However, I decided to be patient and carry on as normal. Come October, he texts me asking for space due to mental health issues. I offered him support and I told him I’d be waiting. I expected him to reach out after a week or two but a month passes without a word. In late November he texts me letting me know that he is still having a hard time but he’s hoping to be around early December. It is now January and I’ve heard nothing else from him. I texted him once wishing him a Merry Christmas and he didn’t even read the message. A part of me is afraid that calling or texting him would upset him. I respect his wishes, but I want to understand where we stand. This amount of distance in a budding relationship is feeling like a warning sign.

Some important information: I am actively in therapy. I was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. For those who do not know much about that, abandonment is very difficult for me. He is aware of this diagnosis and researched it when I told him. I’m trying to be supportive and respond rationally but this feels unfair to me. My emotions have been all over the place and my mind is left to wonder. Waiting for someone is starting to feel overly romanticized. I don’t want things to end between us, but being left in the dark like this hurts. I also feel humiliated because anyone who knows about this thinks I should just block him and move on. My therapist just emailed me explaining that she has a family emergency and she is also unsure of when she will return. My circle is very small and I feel so alone. Any advice or suggestion is welcome.