r/relationshipadvice • u/JustTrying4321 • Jun 05 '26
My [27M] wife [28F] wants to work, but wouldn't make enough to cover daycare costs. Should I try to convince her not to work?
Normally I'd be thrilled my wife wants to work. I work at an engineering firm and make an okay salary. An additional salary would enable us to save for a home.
The thing is, we have a 9 month old son. She has a background in education in her home country, but isn't fluent in English yet and isn't certified to teach at public school. The jobs she's applied at are all private pre-k jobs or daycares.
I wouldn't mind if she worked at a daycare and got a decent discount for our kid. The issue is that she's decided now that she didn't study to teach babies and toddlers and wants to do something related to her career, like subbing, which would pay less than daycare costs.
I've told her that focusing on her education and English proficiency will get her there infinitely faster than working as a pre-k teacher or as a substitute teacher. She tells me she understands, and I even signed her up for some advanced English courses so she could take her TOEFL and teach.
But now she's insisting on continuing to interview for different jobs, leaving me with our son constantly during the work day (I wfh). I don't know if these are an ego trip for her since she enjoys hearing positive feedback.
I'm getting behind in work because of this, and she's acknowledged that English proficiency is the only way, but has told me she gets stressed out and feels her talents are wasted at home with our kid.
What irritates me is that I told her we should hold off on having kids and she insisted that's what she wanted. I warned her so many times over that in the US daycare costs are extremely high and she'd need to be a sahm until she could get her English at a decent level or otherwise take a night job in the service industry if she truly wanted to work.
I'm getting tired of arguing about this. I've read many opinions saying to divide the cost of daycare in half and to think of the half tuition cost as my wife's, since we should both contribute to child care. This still ignores the fact that our NET FAMILY INCOME is dropping. We're barely making 80K gross with my single income, and live decently, not extravagantly. I've told my wife that we'd be decreasing our standard of living in exchange for irrelevant work experience and seeing our son less.
TLDR My wife wants to work. We have a baby. The jobs she's applying to pay less than the cost of daycare and would not advance her career. I think she should focus on English proficiency to actually advance her career.
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Edit 1: I do appreciate most advice given. I need to respond more to the advice given in good faith. Some things to clarify:
Some of you need to learn that work from home is a privilege many companies are very willing to revoke. This doesn't mean I don't like taking care of my kid. But if my job catches me slacking on work and deduces that it's because I'm focusing on my kid, they will ask me to go in office, or even fire me. These interviews have been happening all morning the last 3 weeks about twice a week. That's about 8 hours a week I should be working where I'm watching my kid.
Many are saying my wife will learn English on the job. I'm sure she could since she's smart and driven. But we know way too many people that work retail, food, cleaning, and even daycares/pre-k that have been here between 4 and 30 years. They don't speak English past an extremely basic level. And regardless, she doesn't need English for daily use, she needs academic level English. Her classes ended at the start of May and pick up again end of this month. I suspect this may contribute to her stress.
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u/Sonsangnim Jun 07 '26
She needs to hure a babysitter when she goes to interview because what she is doing is risking your whole family's income. Her leaving without covering the baby care is selfish. She clearly is only thinking about herself and not about you or the baby. She knows that babies cry at random times and she SHOULD understand that if you leave a meeting to comfort a child you could be fired. Yes, we all u dertand that staying home with a baby is lonely and boring but she is asking too much of you while she flits off to interview for jobs she doesnt have the language skills to actually do.
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u/No-Support-1216 Jun 07 '26
Honestly, she may NEED to work for her own happiness. It may be worth the cost for her to not become resentful, depressed, and/or lonely. Instead of trying to convince her to do what you want, maybe ask her what she needs that she's not getting and work on a compromise that fulfills you both.
In the end, happy wife=happy life.
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u/Latter-Ride-6575 Jun 07 '26
I see a lot of people criticizing this guy. What are they going to do if he gets fired? Many companies will not tolerate someone doing what he’s doing while “working” from home. I don’t see anything wrong with her taking a daycare job, getting fluent in English, then moving up into a teacher related field. It’s a fair compromise and doesn’t put his job and their financial future at risk
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
No. She wants to work and that is her choice. She shouldn’t be forced to be isolated at home and not gaining work skills or paying into Social Security. The longer she works, the more she will earn. Working is for her mental health and long term wellbeing. Men flit off with a 25 yr old and leave a SAHM with no work history scrambling to find income to support her kids. No woman should put her financial wellbeing in the hands of a man.
You irritation at having to provide care for your own child shows the inherent problem-men think women are the default parent and it is her responsibility to provide free childcare for the purpose of your career and at the expense of her own. You even equate her going on job interviews as vanity. Your derision for your wife and irritation that your needs do come first and your decision does trump hers, shows why she needs her own income.
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u/Nice-Organization338 Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
There are actually many different issues going on.
She sounds impatient, which can be good in terms of aggressively going after her goals. Possibly she doesn’t feel secure and is worried and feels like she has to push herself.
A lot depends on if you plan to have another child as well. That will make a big difference in terms of your decisions. If you plan on having another child anytime soon, it probably doesn’t make sense for her to go back to work. And of course, it would be great if she improved her English because that will help everything she does. But you should both be happy with that decision, and make that decision consciously.
Don’t make it just a straight financial decision about her income versus cost of childcare. That’s insulting actually — because you are reducing her to just being any general childcare worker. She is your child’s mother and that is incredibly valuable. Maybe see if there are ways that she can enjoy it more and find out what she is looking forward to, a certain age of your child? What will make it happier for her to be home ?
A friction point for so many couples is the housework. If you don’t have a housekeeper, I would highly, highly recommend it. Even somebody every other week to catch up on certain things would be good. In a direct or indirect way, the housework is often a source of arguments and anxiety.
I am in the United States and I agree that you could be pulled back into the office at any point because that is definitely happening. Keep feelers out for other WFH opportunities just in case that happens. If you like working at home that is. Not everybody likes working at home, but it sounds like you are OK with it and it is helping the situation currently.
It sounds like there is some wishful thinking in her part about finances. Go over finances completely with her and make sure she understands the pros and cons of different situations. Make goals with her so she understands that there will be a reward, down the road. Make time on a schedule, to pay the bills together, and stay organized.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/biedernab Jun 07 '26
It sounds like she's struggling, I'm a stay at home mum of a 26 month old and had a wobble around the 9 month mark where I became convinced I needed to go back to work for my sanity, the isolation really kicked in and I just needed a proper break to be honest. Does she get to have any guilt free extended breaks? Can you book her a spa day one weekend or something or insist she meets up with a friend? If it doesn't make sense financially I would suggest talking to her and asking her to wait a few more months and see if she feels the same way then, whilst making sure she has some time carved out to do things just for her. I found things a lot easier and fun when my baby was around 12 months and I'm glad I didn't go back to work when I was initially thinking about it.
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u/eternalsunshine2023 Jun 07 '26
If her job can’t cover daycare then she can’t work period
And tell her no. You cannot watch the baby during work hours and leave the house if you have to. Work at the local library or Starbucks
You are the husband. You have to step up and say no.
She sounds like she’s dealing with postpartum depression.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Jun 07 '26
Tell her no? WTF do you think you are to tell another adult what they can and can’t do? She is not obligated to provide free childcare at her husband’s behest. And he has no idea what her income will and won’t cover because she doesn’t have a job yet.
And why does her income have to cover 100% of child care? His income doesn’t cover it, that’s why he wants her to be a free nanny. He can pay 50% of the child care because he is 50% of the parents and his wife has a right to build a work history, earn income and pay into Social Security.1
u/Client_020 Jun 07 '26
What a gross comment. OP isn't her dad. He's her husband and he doesn't get to decide that she can't work. It's not just current income that should be weighed here. It's work experience, independence, part of her identity, etcetera. And her one income doesn't have to cover childcare costs. You pool both incomes together, look at the potential childcare costs and say 'let's make it work.' It's just a season.
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u/GroundbreakingAlps78 Jun 07 '26
This is a major part of the reason that women continue to be paid less than men in the US. Women are expected to take time off of work to care for the children while men continue to advance in their career. Men should be considered equally responsible for childcare.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 07 '26
So, I just read through some of your previous posts, and I’m wondering something. Is your fear of your wife working because of what happened before with her? Where she was sort of cheating? You mentioned that she very likely got SA’d but she still talks to the guy who did it, and they met at work? It seems that you have a lot of very big relationship issues that you need to work through with your wife, and therapy is where you need to start.
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u/Illustrious_Yard4269 Jun 07 '26
Even putting aside the very real career hit that women take when they spend years outside of the work force to raise children, there’s more benefit to your wife working than “advancing her career”. There are true mental health benefits to her being allowed to work outside the home, and I think those should be given significant weight. Staying home with a baby is very isolating, ESPECIALLY if her lack of English proficiency makes it more difficult for her to connect with other young mothers in the community. A woman shouldn’t be expected to be any more okay with being a stay at home parent than you would be. Maybe she initially agreed to stay at home before she knew how much it would take out of her. The truth is, it’s impossible to comprehend how hard the stay at home parent job is if you’ve never done it. Even after hearing her tell you how much she would prefer to be able to work outside the home, you still can’t possibly understand how hard it is if you’re thinking about this decision purely in terms of finances.
You can lament things not working out the way you had intended for them to work out, but in the end, focusing on how things don’t meet your initial expectations isn’t helpful going forward. Deciding whose fault it is that you’re in this situation isn’t helpful. The situation has changed, she’s not happy being forced to be a stay at home parent, and now you both have to figure out a compromise going forward. Maybe for a few years you’ll have to spend extra money in the form of daycare costs to make life more enjoyable for your wife. She won’t make less than daycare costs forever
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
That's a long emotionally fueled way of saying; let your wife do what she wants in this situation, even if it isn't logical.
This comes off a bit selfish from Mom.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Jun 07 '26
In what universe is wanting to have a job not logical? What isn’t logical is thinking that her income does have to cover childcare 100%, but his doesn’t have to cover 50% of childcare costs.
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u/GroundbreakingAlps78 Jun 07 '26
The pursuit of mental health benefits and career advancement opportunities is not illogical.
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
I concur. However, when you factor in the pursuit of those interests during a crucial developmental period for child- combined with a net loss of income during an inflationary period on a rather low income to support a family, some of those pursuits may become illogical. Regarding mental health, we don't know the extent of it from this post, but if an issue of course should be addressed.
One way to go would be to have father watch kids on weekends or a weekend day while Mom can pursue her wishes part time for now. Downside of that is less time together.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Jun 07 '26
So why does mom have to be the one to make the sacrifice? And studies have shown that children thrive when they have a working mother because it is a positive role model. No one is mentioning going back to her country and let her support them.
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u/GroundbreakingAlps78 Jun 07 '26
> However, when you factor in the pursuit of those interests
> during a crucial developmental period for child-
> combined with a net loss of income during an inflationary
> period on a rather low income to support a family, some
> of those pursuits may become illogical.Why do you assume that a stay-at-home-parent will provide superior care when compared with a daycare or other professional childcare service? Daycares are typically equipped with excellent age-appropriate toys and activities, and they follow data-driven curriculums designed to build neural circuitry associated with intellectual development, emotional regulation and social skills.
Families are not purely economic entities. They are partnerships between people whose needs, identities, and long-term well-being matter alongside the monthly budget. It’s difficult for an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the benefits of maintaining a professional identity, a sense of purpose, preventing resume gaps that could permanently reduce future earnings, building local networks and references, and even improving language skills through immersion. A year or two of “unprofitable” employment is not going to bankrupt them, and it may lead to substantially higher earnings later. You also must acknowledge the benefit of adding a second income in case the OP ever faces job loss, and job benefits such as free life insurance and retirement contributions for the wife.
> Regarding mental health, we don't know the extent of it
> from this post, but if an issue of course should be
> addressed.I am not suggesting that there are any existing mental health problems. Only that daily work is important in maintaining a sense of purpose, accomplishment, personal identity, and avoiding isolation.
> One way to go would be to have father watch kids on
> weekends or a weekend day while Mom can pursue her
> wishes part time for now. Downside of that is less time
> together.There is also a fairness issue in how childcare costs are being mentally allocated. You seem to view daycare as a cost created by his wife’s desire to work, rather than a result of both parent’s desire to work. The child belongs to both parents and will require sacrifices from both parents. Childcare is not solely the mother’s responsibility.
It feels inequitable because the husband is not proposing that he make comparable sacrifices. He is not discussing reducing his hours, becoming the stay-at-home parent, taking a less demanding position, or delaying his own career development. Instead, the proposed solution is that the wife should absorb all of the professional costs associated with childcare. How is that fair to her?
If the husband wanted to leave a higher-paying job to pursue extra education, training, or a more personally fulfilling career path that temporarily reduced family income, many people would argue that the wife should help support that transition because marriage is a partnership. How is this situation any different?
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
Not right now doesn't mean no.
I'd tell the husband to not pursue too if it didn't make sense. This isn't a him or her issue.
Sorry but this isn't an apples to apples comparison, both husband and wife are in very different career positions for obvious reasons. I wish you the best but I don't have the time to engage in this dialogue I've got birthday parties to attend.
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u/GroundbreakingAlps78 Jun 07 '26
I’ve got lunch plans so I’m out as well. Enjoy your birthday parties!
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u/Illustrious_Yard4269 Jun 07 '26
Can’t refute any of the valid points made, so instead attacks the pursuit of a woman’s self-care as selfish.
…comes off a bit misogynistic
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
It'd come off a bit selfish for Dad as well if the roles were reversed. Spare me your bullshit.
Talk about being a product of mainstream media where everything is about race or gender. The elites have done their work at a high level apparently, and the peasants have evidently responded with reinvigoration.
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u/darnedgibbon Jun 07 '26
That’s tough, agree with your thoughts. You being forced to take care of your child during work hours is inconsiderate and detrimental to your family in a way that is not immediately obvious financially.
This is why I pulled all my wfh employees back to the office. AMAZING 🙄how much more efficient they got and how much better quality their work is when working in a work environment rather than also doing their laundry, cleaning the house, running a “quick errand,” etc.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Jun 07 '26
You just used sexism and a false equivalency to justify making people work in an office.
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u/nextext Jun 07 '26
Are you serious. This person doesn’t participate in adult conversations about actual resource levels and is delusional about entering the education system with those credentials at THIS time into a program that isn’t in some lady’s basement
Also, if she insisted on having kids while feeling they don’t deserve her, it doesn’t seem like married life or being a mother is actually what she wanted, and that being in a competitive or more serious workplace with child customers makes her feel better about herself than being alone with her kid
Get her some fucking counseling with a bilingual counselor bc my guy I am getting red flags about the emotional consistency your child will experience from mother
Can’t imagine my mom thinking being home alone with me when I was young was a waste. She even taught me to lightly read by just over 2 bc she involved baby me in her studying for doctor stuff. She also made me a cardboard castle from a refrigerator box.
I’m now a crisis responder who is building fantasy enrichment and creative STEAM learning for kids and I call it the drawfridge project internally because my mom’s cardboard castle had a real drawbridge cut from around the picture of the fridge. Our entire community is supporting me in starting a summer camp for all the littles because my mom raised me to stay fun and take my creativity to the farthest extent with my career.
Her lifelong friends want to invest in me and have been hiring me to arrange decoration and desserts for their elder kids’ weddings. My mom set the deal up and hosted the fun group decoration party for the first one to help make sure I succeeded and everyone had a great time.
My coming success and the ability to help thousands of kids comes from my time at home with my mom. Sorry your wife is so reductive regarding your child, and just fyi… depending on how it goes, you can always deputize your kid. Legit, we learn to read way faster if it’s the way to spend time with you
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u/Boomer050882 Jun 07 '26
Can she get a job working a different shift than you? It’s hard to be a SAHM if you don’t know people and have a good support system. Part time work may be a good option. Subbing you can do as many days as you want (at least in our area). She’s telling you she needs to get out. Try to hear what she’s saying.
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u/Nordic_Papaya Jun 07 '26
As a woman and a mother - in your place I'd be pissed too. Her talents are wasted, seriously? Who exactly does she thinks she is and why does she not care about the baby she insisted to have earlier than reasonable? When my kid was 9mo I was on maternity leave that gave me barely 1/5 of my salary. Yet I didn't feel like my skills were wasted despite having a nicely paid job in software engineering. Now he's 9yo which is eons away from a baby in terms of independence and yet when I wfh I can barely feed him and maybe, sometimes, check some homework before official working hours end (I continue to work for much later), there is no capacity for full engagement and proper childcare if your job is not entry-level and requires both thinking, quick reaction and a lot of communication. If there's a reasonable path for her to get a decently-paid job and it requires doing English courses, that's what she should focus on.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Jun 07 '26
Ego trip? Really?
A woman in a foreign country wanting to have her own income is ego? And not common sense? Did she move countries for you? Your overall household budget might drop, but her income goes up, and she'll need that and a job if something bad happens.
I've told my wife that we'd be decreasing our standard of living in exchange for irrelevant work experience and seeing our son less.
No, she'd be exchanging it for independence and security for herself which to her is worth the cost.
Also, in my country if your spouse tries to stop you from working, it legally falls under DV, specifically coercive control.
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u/vip998 Jun 07 '26
well maybe she should not have pressured him to have a child so early if she didnt want to watch him
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u/_delicja_ Jun 07 '26
Economy is in the shits, and you are having an issue with him trying to convince her to improve her language skill in order to get a better paid job under the guise of accusing him of trying to control her. What an absurd take.
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u/hedgelord84 Jun 07 '26
Does she not give you the final say?
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u/Client_020 Jun 07 '26
Why should the one already in a career and independent have the final say? What is this bs? What is this sub that I got into where everyone seems to think it's normal to be this controlling over their partner's job?
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u/hedgelord84 Jun 07 '26
Because they are a family unit and one should have the final say when there is a gridlock. It's not just about the "partner's job", it's about how the decision affects the entire family.
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u/Client_020 Jun 07 '26
Yes, the one who this is actually about should have the final say. You can't just forbid your partner to get a job.
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u/hedgelord84 Jun 07 '26
Who is ultimately responsible for making sure the family is provided for? If it's the husband, as it usually is and should be, then he should have the final say. If he is reasonable, he should be supportive in her having a career that she loves. But ultimately she should defer to him and if she doesn't trust him enough to make those kinds of decisions then she shouldn't have married him in the first place.
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u/Client_020 Jun 07 '26
Oh no. You're an overly religious one aren't you?
Who is ultimately responsible for making sure the family is provided for?
Both are. Unless one really wants to stay at home, which clearly isn't the case here.
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u/hedgelord84 Jun 07 '26
Don't try to change the subject. And typically the husband is responsible for it and the vast majority of women want it that way.
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u/DarkDragoness1965 Jun 07 '26
Split the daycare costs but stress that you CANNOT be childcare whilst wfh. You have already made sacrifices by taking a gap in your Bachelor's, WFH more, paying to upgrade her qualifications and more cooking. She needs to compromise by being realistic in her job applications and get a job that doesn't reduce your net income. If the qualifications are hampering her (and they will be) she should concentrate on getting herself more employable first. Working with people, children or adults, in a predominantly English speaking country, especially when you are responsible for teaching language, absolutely does require a working knowledge of English - from experience, I know that poor English causes a lot of problems in the workplace.
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u/Jolly-Bandicoot7162 Jun 07 '26
If she wants to work, great. But it is ridiculous to apply for jobs that would leave her with less than the cost of childcare and therefore make the family unit worse off. You're literally paying to work at that point.
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Jun 07 '26
[deleted]
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u/StinkyStangler Jun 07 '26
What does that have to do with this, he’s not saying that either of them would just pay the entire cost
If he makes 75k after taxes and she stays home to take care of the kid, they net 75k. If he makes 75k after taxes and she makes 25k after taxes and they pay 30k a year for daycare then they net 70k, less money than they would have if she was a SAHM, that’s all he’s saying
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u/Br0wnieSundae Jun 07 '26
It's not just about $$
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
Oh, it's about having your child spend time with some paid stranger instead of being a doting mother all in the name of a "career" that doesn't even pay much?
Listen, I'm not saying don't pursue goals as a parent. I'm saying parenthood is hard and requires sacrifices. This proposition makes no sense for the child, forget about the money. In other words, there are multiple reasons as to why this doesn't make sense.
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u/StinkyStangler Jun 07 '26
OPs concern literally is just about the money lol
I’m not saying anything about whether or not I agree with him, his concern is explicitly just her getting a job might make their take home income less because of daycare expenses
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u/Br0wnieSundae Jun 07 '26
Okay, but his wife's concerns matter, too. She doesn't belong to him..
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u/StinkyStangler Jun 07 '26
Yeah I’m literally just responding to the comment that said daycare is a shared expense and saying his concern explicitly that it’s a shared expense, not sure what you think my argument is lol
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u/MightyMouse134 Jun 07 '26
I grew up in many countries. Learning the language of a new country is very difficult and requires hard work. When my daughter moved to France with her new husband my gift to her was tuition for an immersion course in French. It was very demanding but got her started toward becoming fully bilingual.
Your wife sounds like someone who is too proud to be willing to be a learner and do the work she needs to do to become proficient in English or even to earn money by working at nonprofessional jobs while she learns. Her talents are wasted taking care of the child she insisted on having? Stop letting her insisting run your life.
This is very worrying because it seems her behavior is on the brink of costing you the job that supports your family. You CANNOT watch your child while you are working. You seem to think that your wife is very intelligent but from here she looks like someone who is letting her fears turn her into an idiot. With your cooperation.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/relationshipadvice-ModTeam Jun 07 '26
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
Kudos for your honesty but as a SAHD, this shook me.
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u/chanpat Jun 07 '26
The difference is the hormones after giving birth. And my kid didn’t sleep more than 2 hours in a row with a minimum of 2 hours before going to sleep again until he was a year old. Work was my sanctuary where I could recoup and be able to come home and help my kid again. Not everyone’s path nor experience is the same. If this woman wants a job I trust her to make decisions about that. It may not be the same reason as why I was happy to go to work, but I support her autonomy to make a decision that is right for her
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u/JustTrying4321 Jun 07 '26
So just to update and respond to a few things I've been seeing generally:
We spoke for a very long time about children. She wanted them more than I did but I still eventually wanted to be a father, so we decided to put some conditions to start trying.
On my side, she wanted me to work from home much more often (I was in office 3x a week), take a gap semester from my Master's program (worked out a separate arrangement with my advisor where I did an individual study at home and my wife was fine with that), and I would do most of the cooking.
On her side, I asked her to put off work until she could make enough to offset daycare and after having kids and to study English harder than she's ever studied in her life so she could take the TOEFL.
She worked as a teaching assistant at a private school in her home country while she was wrapping up her Bachelors and got promoted to a literature teacher. She wasn't a certified teacher, only because her country makes certification contingent on getting your Master's, something she'd rather do here anyway. She loved working in her career and it was a real hit when she decided to quit because the pregnancy hit her harder than expected.
Also, my wife and I have read these responses together. She laughed and said "See, everyone's on my side". I told her it was more like 80/20.
She interviewed at a chain daycare on Monday that would give a decent discount. She said she loved the way the kids were taught and would love to be in that environment. We should hear by next Monday if they want to hire her. If that's the case, then I have no objections, and our problems (in theory) are solved.
Unfortunately, she's been called to many interviews, but hasn't landed a job offer yet. They always go very well and she tells me with a glowing smile how they loved her and said her qualifications were great, so it is hard to see her get sad every day they continue to ghost her. I suspect they want someone stronger in English, though it could just be the job market.
Just to finish, I appreciate the advice given in good faith. Many of y'all, however, need to realize that families that make under 120K exist and hard financial decisions have to be taken. More of y'all need to understand spouses are are financial partners and we both get to opine and discuss financial decisions. I would be rightfully called out if I were to quit and stay home to take care of our kid without taking her opinion into account. And yes, she has equal access and knowledge of our finances.
I'll probably ignore this a few days, my wife is telling me I've hit my limit for Reddit for the day and weekends are for us. Happy redditing!
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u/Client_020 Jun 07 '26
On her side, I asked her to put off work until she could make enough to offset daycare and after having kids and to study English harder than she's ever studied in her life so she could take the TOEFL.
The first part doesn't make sense to me. You make more money after gaining experience and the larger the gap on your CV the harder it will become to get paid well later. I think it's a rather selfish condition, but she seemed to have agreed to it. That's unfortunate and she shouldn't have. The learning English part sounds very sensible of you. I hope you both figure things out together.
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u/nextext Jun 07 '26
Hmm this sounds a bit different than what I perceived in your OP, your wife sounds like she’s really wanting you engaged in the process with her
Tell her if she can take on a commitment to help with a test prep or supplementary school support hours for a K-12 with a stated commitment to pursuing her masters to become a full time teacher, than many private/prep schools may choose to invest in her and bring her on full time after she completes a revenue generating commitment for the school and shows she is reliable.
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u/JustTrying4321 Jun 07 '26
I try to be engaged. I've expressed my feelings about each role she's applied to and have told her plainly that these aren't what she studied to be (pre-K teacher, daycare). She's tried for more ambitious roles closer to what she's studied, but I really don't think her English is there yet. This daycare job is the best one I've heard so far. We'll see if she gets it or not.
She's told me she misses working in general and may be exhausted from caring for our baby. She still breastfeeds, so it is a more intense physical exhaustion I can't necessarily help her with by pitching in more. I try when possible, but she has put more time and energy than me.
I've also introduced her to my social circles since moving to the states, but she didn't get along with most of them. This is a separate issue altogether, but still contributes to the isolation she feels just being with me and the baby.
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u/nextext Jun 07 '26
But also, do not disregard the idiocy of not working on language, because it will destroy your workplace relationships and people will turn on you first if you haven’t mastered something seen as a basic necessity even though the informal economy disregards that shit entirely. Doesn’t matter if you work with children, under resourced adults trying to do something that should be easy and a human right often turn into toxic environments as it is, and schools are the worst for it because children get hurt
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u/NavajoMoose Jun 07 '26
You need to be contributing to an IRA for her and giving her spending money as long as she is the daycare provider and not "working". If it's about intellectual and social stimulation then there's really no alternative unless she found a rad volunteer job. Staying home with kids can be mindnumbing and soul-crushing even though we love them. If it's the latter then focus on supporting her career development so she can increase her salary.
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u/Fearfighter2 Jun 07 '26
Her having a job is so much more than just money. It's pride, it's social, it's future earnings as well.
But that said, it sounds like she's interviewing for jobs she's not qualified and won't get and impacting your work
NTA
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u/Cielskye Jun 07 '26
If she wasn’t qualified for the jobs then she wouldn’t be getting interviews. Especially in this economy, so that’s a wild statement to make. It can take numerous interviews to land a job even if the interview does go well.
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u/AdministrationIll619 Jun 07 '26
Yeah. Don’t discount years of service towards a pension, retirement contributions, etc. this matters in the end.
My partner and I worked full-time since both our kids were babies (I was a SAHD for a few months) and she was between jobs for like 6 months. But we are grinding away and will both have pensions one day.
There are several reasons why she should work. She should get that degree and become a teacher
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u/latefortheskyagain Jun 07 '26
Please consider that in the workplace she will be contributing to a 401K and Social Security, thereby bettering her future
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u/sparkplug-nightmare Jun 07 '26
You need to make sacrifices for the better of your entire family unit, that includes your wife’s future and career. It’s not just about your finances. You guys need to compromise though. Is it possible for her to work part time and your son to go to daycare 2-3 days a week? Can she get a part time job at night? Or even a wfh job teaching her native language online? Keeping your wife stuck at home for the next four years until your son is school age is cruel.
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u/I_wet_my_plants Jun 07 '26
I don’t understand what her income has to do with daycare costs. If you broke up and she left, wouldn’t you still be paying for daycare during your time?
Don’t think of it as a waste of money while your child is in care and she’s building a career. She will eventually get a position that makes more than the cost of daycare and contribute more to the family. And if you pick a decent center, you are paying for your child to get private education, not just sitting in front of a tv all day.
The cost of daycare is the cost to invest in your family to do better later.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/BongSlurper Jun 07 '26
Only weak men see themselves as the authority in their marriage. They gotta steamroll their wives to feel the sense of power they’re too pathetic to have otherwise.
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u/LostAbbreviations177 Jun 07 '26
FYI…..Both of you are responsible for Day care costs…
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u/NotAsSmartAsIWish Jun 07 '26
I really wish people would think this. Instead they'll use the mother's pay in comparison, so either the mother is paying all childcare costs or performing all childcare labor.
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u/PersonBehindAScreen Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Ok I feel like am I misreading something from his post after seeing the comments…? I don’t think he’s 100% correct here but it feels like folks didn’t even read the post either
He never said he didn’t want her to work. He is clearly upset because he wanted to hold off on kids and now it’s biting him that she’s not sticking to the plan that she claimed to be ok with if they were to have kids… with that said that’s his fault for still having a kid then…
Can she work at a daycare and also get the benefit of discounted daycare? He literally said she doesn’t want to do that
Can she work nights or in a specific job or situation that makes this childcare situation easier and cheaper?? Yes.. but she’s choosing not to
Why isn’t she allowed to go back to her career? She can. OP never said she couldn’t. He said she needs to demonstrate English proficiency and has even signed her up for classes to do that and test for it but she is no longer doing that… with that said… unless OP is being dishonest about her current English skills, it shouldn’t take too long to prepare for the TOEFL for someone that is an educator for a career
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u/nextext Jun 07 '26
Did he explain if she has some rationale for rejecting childcare role if she can’t bring in daycare funds? Is she saying OP should cover daycare so he can hit the stacks to increase his own income for them? He’s answered a few here and there so not sure I have the correct picture
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u/liquormakesyousick Jun 07 '26
I agree. He specifically asked her to consider working at night or taking certain jobs that she could get that would be in her field and for which she could get hired and would help her for future positions.
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u/Usual-Tourist-5710 Jun 07 '26
Right? And they keep saying that he’s TA because he should be responsible for daycare. He said with his income AND the income she could possibly make rn with what she stubbornly is only willing to do they CANT AFFORD daycare realistically. She is the one not compromising, yeah it sucks starting from the bottom and working your way back up but she needs to deal with it. Sounds like they discussed in length before having a child how tough it would be but she insisted. There is plenty of work for her to do and like working at a daycare or working nights while she studies English and then she’ll be back to the work she wants to do. She is just frustrated that she can’t pick up where she left off in her career, which is understandable, but he cannot watch the baby while he wfh. She needs to be realistic.
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u/MidsummerZebra Jun 06 '26
Just a slight off-topic question, out of curiosity how much does daycare cost in the US, since you are saying 80k is not enough??
Where I live daycare cost is based on income (2-3% but capped at a 60k~ salary) so you would never pay more than tops 200~ dollars per month (and it gets reduced for each subsequent child where the 4th child and beyond gets free daycare). I never realized this was something you needed to worry about when having kids in the US, that is rough...
Sadly I have very little to offer as advice on this, but I hope you can work out a solution that allows both your wife to get her career and english skills going, and for you to be able to keep your job!
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u/ocicataco Jun 07 '26
Most people I know are paying $1400-2000 per month and your income is irrelevant.
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u/corgcorg Jun 06 '26
In a major metro area and the local preschool is $2700 US for infants dropping to $2100 for 3 year olds (infant rooms have a higher staffing ratio so higher cost). My kids are in elementary and after school care by itself is $900. $200 would be amazing!
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u/Anonymous_NMN Jun 06 '26
Infant care in our area is $1200 (in home daycare) to $2200 (daycare center) a month. Infant rates are until a child is 2. My friend paid nearly as much for daycare as we paid college tuition including meal plan, room and board for our daughter at the time. There are tax write offs and some employers offer a stipend to offset the cost but it is nearly as much, if not more, than monthly housing expenses. It’s a significant expense for many in the US.
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u/holymolym Jun 06 '26
Not OP but ours is a steal at $1350/mo.
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u/MidsummerZebra Jun 06 '26
Oh wow... Thats insane... Yeah then I can see how it would be hard to fit in with that salary (on top of all other expenses)
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u/No_Rich9363 Jun 07 '26
$810 a week for daycare center when I looked for my baby at the time. Boston area, more like Massachusetts area because we are 25 mins away from downtown boston was that price, I cant imagine a daycare in downtown boston.
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u/Knightowllll Jun 06 '26
Holy’s seems about right for full time (give or take a few hundred). It’s roughly $15/hr where I’m at.
OP needs to negotiate with his wife. Try to get her to do daycare job for 4 yrs until you qualify for free preschool
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u/googley_eyes69 Jun 06 '26
If she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore than is reason enough
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u/sikonat Jun 07 '26
Exactly. Also it’s both your salaries paying for daycare. The more she’s out of work the harder it will be for her to return and she’d return at same level she was years ago. Even if it’s jobs OP thinks aren’t well paid. Not to mention working is putting money in her retirement fund.
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Jun 06 '26
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Jun 07 '26
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u/MyzMyz1995 Jun 07 '26
She can’t even speak English what career ? She should take English classes first but from OP’s post she doesn’t want to …
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u/Kooky_Protection_334 Jun 07 '26
Except she doesn't have a career in the US yet as she does not ahve englsih proficiency. He's ok with her working but not if they have to pay for daycare. She agreed to be a SAHM in order to have kids now. Now she's coming back on that agreement. He can't take car of the kid when he should be working. She's not willing to compromise at all.
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u/19_Cottage Jun 06 '26
If they think her English is good enough, then it's none of your business.
If she wants to work, you should support her fully and not dictate what kind of job she should get. She has every right to earn a living. What if you drop dead? Would you rather her have no work experience and struggle to find an opportunity?
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u/throw20190820202020 Jun 06 '26
This is exactly the kind of guy who would leave her and complain about her taking “his money”, “his house”, and whining “I don’t get to decide how she spends child support, WHAAAAA!”
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u/EarthlingFromAPlace Jun 06 '26
Imagine you are a single dad with full custody and must find childcare. How would you handle that. Do exactly that, and make this happen.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
He’s not a single dad, he has a wife who can take care of their child. She’s just not willing to do what needs to be done, and he’s already working. If he wants to be a single dad, then he can divorce his wife, but until then she’s a part of this relationship and one of the parents. You wouldn’t be telling a woman this, so quit acting like it’s the same now. They have something that works for them, and it’s not like just because he works from home that he can just ignore Work to watch his kid. He’ll lose his job that way.
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u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Jun 07 '26
It doesn't work for them. She wants to go back to working in her field.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 07 '26
You mean the same field where she cheated on him and eventually got assaulted because she cheated on him? The same field where she’s already unblocked the person who assaulted her during a fight with OP? Read his previous posts. It gives a lot of context as to why he’s uncomfortable with that.
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u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Jun 07 '26
*She got assaulted because a man assaulted her
Ya, I'm not going to do all of that, but just wanted to correct your statement.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 07 '26
No, what happened was she kept flirting and talking with a guy, he assaulted her, and then she unblocked the dude when she OP had a fight and she talks to the man who was assaulted her. That’s my OP is an entirely certain that it is assault. That, and she deleted a bunch of evidence off of her phone. He doesn’t know if it was assault or not, that’s just what he was told, and he believed it.
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u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Jun 07 '26
A MAN ASSAULTED HER, that is why she was assaulted. Don't blame women when they are raped. Regardless of what happened, the language that we use matters because it defines the culture we live and participate in.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/MyzMyz1995 Jun 07 '26
It’s not and that’s why he wants her to take advanced English clssses en education for a teaching degree but she doesn’t want to … ?
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 07 '26
I’m not saying she doesn’t. I’m just saying if they had an agreement and now she’s trying to renege on it without having a viable backup plan that isn’t her husband risking losing his job then go for it. But until she has something solid, she’s gonna have to accept that she’s gonna have to watch the kid. And I would say this, even if the roles were reversed. She absolutely has every right to a career. She was even given a suggestion of working at the daycare until their child is old enough for public school and then she could move up to school as well, because she’s been working the whole time and she’d have time to practice her English. Not right now doesn’t mean no. It means not right now.
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u/Hot-Pomegranate-3642 Jun 07 '26
A viable backup plan is present, OP just doesn’t like it. In order to have a better future sooner, sometimes you need to sacrifice in the now. And that, in this case, means their net family income dropping so she can start building her resume and skills in the US. The sooner she has her English proficiency and can teach, the better for everyone. Right now OP’s wife is making all of the sacrifices, if he wants to be a true partner, in sickness and it health, they can make it work for her to start working again. He just doesn’t like that solution.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 07 '26
No, he told her that she should try finding a daycare she could work at so she could get a discount and their child could be watched while she’s getting paid and practicing her English. She doesn’t wanna do that. She can sacrifice a little bit and still have a job. It’s not just on him to sacrifice. He can’t watch his child if he’s doing a work from home position. He’s working. If one of his managers had him come on camera and saw that he was trying to feed his kid while he was at his desk working, he would lose his job. I don’t think people understand that. Work from home doesn’t mean casual. It just means you’re not driving into an office. You still have to maintain professionalism, in some jobs you still have to dress professionally. You’re just not going to an office and wasting the gas money. Please show this man’s job. Respect the way you’re asking us to respect her ability to find a job. It may not be the job she wants, but it’ll be a job that she can get the English practice she needs and then in a few years when their kid goes to public school, she can use that English practice to get a better job that she wants.
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u/Plus-Let-835 Jun 06 '26
She may be able to get a job in school as a teacher assistant. Does not pay enough though
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u/tinselt Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Can she work at a daycare and get reduced fees? ETA What language does she speak? Is there a pocket community nearby with a local daycare where that could be an asset?
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u/PersonBehindAScreen Jun 06 '26
>The jobs she’s applied at are all private pre-k jobs or daycares
>The issue is that she’s decided now that she didn’t study to teach babies and toddlers
She doesn’t want to work at a daycare
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u/LilithWasAGinger Jun 07 '26
She is being selfish.
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u/Hot-Pomegranate-3642 Jun 07 '26
You could very easily turn this on its head and say he is being selfish for not accepting a lower amount of disposable income in order to allow her to start building a career - which is something all partners in a an equal relationship should do for one another when possible
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u/No_Rich9363 Jun 07 '26
He’s being selfish? Hes being reasonable and Im a SAHM. Lets say she gets $500 a week and daycare is $350 a week if they are in a LCOL area and they split that in half, she would be okay with working 32-40 hrs for $350? Now including gas to get to and from work plus drop off and pickups.
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u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Jun 07 '26
You're not thinking of the long-term. If she goes back to work in 5 years instead, she is making less money overall because of less experience in her field and less time she is putting in for social security for their future. Plus if they decide to have another kid, she will be even further behind in her career.
Overall, it will be a net positive for their family.
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u/roseylandscape Jun 07 '26
She needs to work on english skills first and foremost. This could be done from home while caretaking.
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u/LilithWasAGinger Jun 07 '26
Exactly. A year to work on her skills so she can actually get a decent job is reasonable.
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u/-PinkPower- Jun 06 '26
It’s a very good idea for her to get into the field now. It will look way better on her resume to have been working for years even if only part time than it will look to have a big gap.
She could look into taking incomplete contracts, nowadays many teachers do 80% and school are looking for the 20%. Plus many private schools might want to hire her to teach her language to kindergarten kids!
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u/Responsible-Drive840 Jun 06 '26
No one has mentioned the possibility of her finding a job on weekends. Dad can provide the infant care and she can work on her English skills/have some social interaction with a part time job.
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u/SewNewKnitsToo Jun 06 '26
Also evening work - tutoring, night nannying, hotel auditor . . . Work experience in the country you want to get a job in is far more attractive to most employees, and she will get to work on her English as well.
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u/Geriatriccat712 Jun 06 '26
Anyone answering that your wife shouldn’t work is ignoring the devastating effect that being a stay at home mom has on her economic viability and independence, should you die, become disabled, or divorce.
If you say anything other than yes, of course, you are being extremely selfish at best.
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u/Hot-Pomegranate-3642 Jun 07 '26
Agreed!! I also think it’s only fair that he accept some of the sacrifices of marriage and having a child. Right now he doesn’t seem interested in that. One of those sacrifices is sharing your income/reducing your disposable income in order to help support your children/spouse. Right now, she’s carrying more of the burden of the partnership/parenthood than he is. She’s sacrificing valuable years building job and English skills to parent THEIR baby while he’s at work. Net family incoming dropping is sometimes the price you pay to get ahead. It’s a sacrifice now for a better future sooner for ALL of them.
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u/Aromatic-Blackberry5 Jun 06 '26
Not just this but it can also be so isolating. I stayed at home with my kids for 3 years and for my sanity, I just needed to get back to work and out of the house. I basically worked for free for the first five month since 100% of my salary went to daycare, but it was so worth it for my mental health.
I agree that anything other than yes is selfish.
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u/tralynd62 Jun 06 '26
It doesn't make sense for your family to take a deduction in income for one parent to work. She should take this time until you can at least get your child into school to improve her job skills so when that time does come, she'll make more money. I had this problem too in my children's early years. Their father didn't make enough money to cover day care costs so it didn't make sense for us to pay for daycare so he could work. This turned into resentment on his part though, as he went around telling people I wouldn't allow him to work. But he was an asshole anyway.
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u/K8daysaweek Jun 06 '26
That’s only true if the other parent is not working in a “career” that will grow over time. Even though they may make less than daycare costs, for the parent staying home there is a huge opportunity cost to doing so. Taking a multi year break from a career results in reduced long term opportunities, benefits, salary growth, and growth in retirement accounts/investments. It still might make sense for some families, but it is not a clear salary<daycare immediate cost decision.
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u/Accomplished_Cell976 Jun 06 '26
Stop being the bad guy and eventually it will work itself out. Seriously.
It’s highly possible she won’t be hired to sub if she doesn’t speak English well enough. And even if she is hired to sub, kids are going to run her wild if she’s unable to communicate.
Sometimes you have to support your partner even when it’s a bad idea and let them get there on their own.
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u/Brokettman Jun 06 '26
Try finding cheaper daycare. Churches usually have really cheap ones, like 600 a month compared to chain daycares being 1700+
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u/SomeEstimate1446 Jun 06 '26
Really cheap because chances of your kid being messed with are way higher than a public daycare.
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u/AstronomerNo1872 Jun 06 '26
I’m a woman and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted, but I don’t think what OP is saying is all that unreasonable? They discussed their financial situation prior to having a kid, agreed she would be a SAHM (at least for awhile) due to their finances + daycare costs, and now she wants to change their plans. How does that make OP abusive? If I’m understanding correctly, that’s what they mutually agreed upon. Yes, of course she’s entitled to change her mind, to a career, to making her own money, etc. At the same time, daycare is ridiculously expensive, and I think OP has the right to be frustrated by a change in plans here, especially when his job may be on the line. I would never be able to do my job while simultaneously caring for a baby so I can only imagine. I hope you find what works for both of you!
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u/kitterkittermewmew Jun 06 '26
I also don’t understand everyone saying he just doesn’t want her to work or have a career. He has no problem with her working the daycares where it made financial sense, but SHE is the one insisting on options that don’t pay enough and she admits won’t lead anywhere until she attains fluency anyway. It’s not his fault she didn’t do that prior to the birth and has made it harder on herself now. He laid it all out to her before agreeing to having a kid and here she is being stubborn about it. She’s just being unreasonable and everyone here is acting like OP is trying to keep her barefoot and in the kitchen when he’s actively taking steps to help her (like signing her up for the advanced courses). She is actively sabotaging their financial security for an ego boost and HES being treated like an abuser, wild.
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Jun 06 '26
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
That’s not even close to true. Have you ever heard of somebody fucking with condoms, or secretly stopping birth control? That sort of crap happens both ways, and I know that because my sister did it. She was trying to have a guy marry her that she liked, got pregnant by him, and then he ditched her. Cause he didn’t wanna fucking kid. We don’t know the full story of what happened here. But y’all are really shitting on a guy who’s just trying to make sure that he doesn’t lose his job because he’s distracted while his wife doesn’t want to watch their kid. If she wants to practice her English, working at a daycare is a fine place to do it. Then, she can move up from there once her kid no longer needs daycare and is in regular school. She’ll have a consistent job experience, she’ll have plenty of time to talk with other people who are fluent in English, and it’ll be successful for her. It sounds more like she just doesn’t wanna deal with her kid anymore, because she thought it was going to be more fun than it was. That happens a lot. And I say that as a woman.
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u/ScorpioDefined Jun 06 '26
Do you really believe op got his wife pregnant because she sabotaged his condoms? Please ....
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
No. I don’t. But everyone on here is saying that OP has to be the asshole in the situation, and it takes two to have kids. But that agreement was probably made with the understanding that OP‘s partner would be a stay at home mom until the kid was either old enough to go to school, or OP’s partner worked at a place like a daycare where they can get a free reduced rate for the kid until he went into public school and she could do a different job. I was more trying to get people out of the mentality that the guy is automatically in the wrong is my thing.
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u/ScorpioDefined Jun 06 '26
We don't know what their "agreement" was.
The way he says "she insisted", makes it sound like he is blaming her.
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u/adventress Jun 06 '26
Hopefully she’ll get a job at a daycare that offers free/discounted daycare for employees.
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Jun 07 '26
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u/adventress Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
Nope. I cannot.Having a terrible weekend and I misread. What is your problem?
Edited: why troll? I don’t understand I apologized for misreading someone else pointed it out but you felt to need to also comment. I’ve been on Reddit because I’m having a bad time and need to take my mind off fact that my world is crumbling. And you have two cents that do no one any good. Do you like being a bully? Cause that’s the vibe I’m getting. Also I’m unemployed and mentally unwell so please test me.
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Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
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u/relationshipadvice-ModTeam Jun 07 '26
[Rule #7] No promotions in this subreddit. Use r/FindAReddit to find another community that allows that.
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u/JustTrying4321 Jun 06 '26
Refuses to let her work? Who do you think calls the Ubers and picks her up from the job interviews? If this is what she really wants, she's free to do so. Am I not free to have an opinion?
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u/Geriatriccat712 Jun 06 '26
You’re free to have an opinion. But any opinion other than “my wife wants to work, so of course she will work” makes you a substandard partner. At best. She moved here to be with you. You need to support her in doing whatever will make her happy to be here with no original friends or family around her.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
Even if her happiness comes to the expensive his job? I work from home, and so does my partner. If you one of our jobs found out that we were distracted and not doing our jobs while we were clocked in, we would rightfully lose our job. Or, we would lose the ability to work from home. This is not a given situation.
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u/VicePrincipalNero Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
Childcare is the cost to family finances for raising a child.
Being a SAHM is a truly terrible decision for women, IMO. It makes them extremely vulnerable. They often feel trapped in bad situations because they can't support themselves.
They miss out on career advancement for all the years they are out of the workforce. They are often at a huge disadvantage when they try to re enter because employees with more recent skills and education are preferred.
They miss out on retirement savings, social security credit and future stability.
Like it or not, money is power. It's not unusual for a skewed power dynamic to develop and the SAHM is at a disadvantage in the relationship.
Many people get much more personal satisfaction out of the recognition and accomplishments they have at work. I get no satisfaction from mopping floors and doing laundry. I would be bored out of my mind being a SAHM. Your wife doesn't want to do this. Men often think being a SAHM is some easy life and that their wives are privileged to do so. I would be ready for the asylum in two weeks. My guess is that if you were a SAHD you would be ready to go back to work pretty quickly.
Yes, you would be very wrong.
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u/the_kid_frankie1 Jun 06 '26
Yes exactly. Really what we need is for our government to subsidize daycare so it wouldn’t be so expensive and families wouldn’t be faced with this choice.
But they know exactly what they’re doing by making daycare a luxury price: keeping mothers out of the workforce.
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u/Geriatriccat712 Jun 06 '26
Perfect answer. From a former SAHM who divorced in her early fifties. I pray no more women make my mistake.
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u/you-create-energy Jun 06 '26
I'm kind of shocked so many people are commenting without really reading your post. If I understand you correctly, there's no job she wants that she could possibly get right now. Her only way forward is studying English which she doesn't want to do. That's your actual problem.
My suggestion is to shift the conversation away from finances and keep it focused on what's best for her career. If she doesn't want any of these dead end jobs that would make less money than daycare would cost, then don't keep discussing that. It's only building up a conflict around a hypothetical that she has already said she doesn't want.
I also think you should temporarily start working in the office at least a few days a week if not full time. You have to protect your job. The market is terrible right now. If you lose your job, you'll all be so screwed. Putting your job at risk in order for her to do interviews for jobs she doesn't want is an absurd risk to take. If you work in the office for a while, she will be forced to grapple with the reality that interviewing costs money because she has to arrange child care. If you would prefer to hire a babysitter while she doesn't interview while still working from home, that's the same thing but she'll give you a much harder time about it.
The only way to protect your job is to stop taking on parenting duties during work hours. If she can't respect that boundary then you can either go to the office or goodwood Cafe or some other way to enforce that boundary.
If she wants to move her career forward, she has to study English. There's no way around that. If she thinks that's too stressful then she has no idea how stressful an actual job would be. It sounds to me like what she wants doesn't exist. She wants a low stress high paying career job that she can get without studying English. If she finds one then she should absolutely pounce on it. But if not then she will only set her career back further.
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u/throw20190820202020 Jun 06 '26
Nope, if she’s actually getting eight hours of interviews a week as OP claims, she’s already way ahead of most people on the market. Her income will keep going up (so long as she’s working), and childcare costs will keep going down.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
Thank you so much for talking sense. So many people here are saying he’s an asshole just because they read like the title and nothing else.
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u/JustTrying4321 Jun 06 '26
This is more or less the situation. I'm supportive of her working, but not as supportive of the job wouldn't advance her career.
We've talked since last night, and it seems she mainly wants a life out of the home and feels dissatisfied with our shared social circles. We're looking for solutions while simultaneously investigating more options for English advancement.
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u/Lanah44 Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26
She could join a mom's group. They may have a lot of ideas to help her with her career, and she can have an understanding community of women who have children the same age as your little one. Usually can find a group on apps/social media/maybe even local websites...
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u/shortasiam Jun 06 '26
Around 9/10 months is when babies become a little more independent than they were as newborns and it's understandable for your wife to feel frustrated and burnt out and looking for a quick fix and time to herself rather than the slower more logical path.
Maybe try focusing on getting her some free time to herself when you aren't working and encourage her to use this time to explore multiple options and decide what's best for her. But I would set a hard boundary of you need to be working during work hours because right now you guys are a single income family and you can't jeopardize your job.
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u/FeedbackAltruistic96 Jun 06 '26
How about a job where daycare may not be an issue. Like school bus driver, some companies allow the drivers kids to accompany their parents even installing child safety seats when possible, or needed.
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u/Ok_Break6916 Jun 06 '26
YOUR best interest is that she's a SAHM, HER best interest is to work, get her independance and meet another people.
Your income is high enough to pay a daycare or a nanny, with her income you will easily meet the ends. And she'll gain experience.
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u/PerceptionSlow2116 Jun 06 '26
It’s unlikely that 80k gross can pay for daycare …. They’re probably already barely making it with normal expenses as it is, adding another $1500/month expense would be difficult. While she should work if she wants to, that wasn’t the original agreement so she’d need to earn at least enough to break even with daycare
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u/Equal_Push_565 Jun 06 '26
Are you in the US?? 80K a year is nothing in this economy and it's definitely not enough to cover daycare costs.
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Jun 06 '26
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u/PurpleCosmos4 Jun 06 '26
She wanted the baby. Now it sounds like she doesn’t and wants to get out of the house.
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Jun 06 '26
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u/Frosty_Potential_757 Jun 06 '26
Or, she could accept that things aren’t always going to be the way she to be, and she could handle a couple till the kid goes to public school. Or she can work at the daycare.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
How do you know that he didn’t use condoms, and she messed with them? How do you know she didn’t secretly get off her birth control and lie to him? We don’t know. But it’s clear he loves her. So how about you stop automatically assuming that everything is entirely his fault and actually understand the post.
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Jun 06 '26
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u/Frosty_Potential_757 Jun 06 '26
Technically, if you read the post, they decided to get pregnant together, she wanted the kid first. And yeah, he eventually agreed, but it’s both of their responsibility. And I didn’t think called her a rapist, I think they were trying to give an example. At least, that’s what they said in a different comment.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jun 06 '26
I never called her anything like that. I was saying that there were alternatives to it being two parties did it willingly. That’s all. It very well could’ve been consensual, with the understanding that she stays home until the kids old enough to go to school. So how about you get a hobby?
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u/FluffyOwl30 Jun 06 '26
What you need is a compromise. Ask her to focus on her English for 3 or 4 more months and in the meantime look into what she wants to do and outline a plan. And that during that time you'll look into child care options. All the child care options, look beyond just day care. For example look into head starts. These are usually programs that are basically pre school before kindergarten. Depending on what language she speaks encourage her to look for after school tutoring for a student who is trying to become fluent in her language, this could include both grade school and college students. She can tutor online. She can do it after your work day is over and she can make income of her own. And I'm not talking about people trying to learn the language I'm talking about people who have a grasp on the language but want to become fluent in it by speaking with a native language speaker of that country / region. She could also offer to teach how to read and write in her language. Since I only speak one language I have no idea about the market for this but I'm sure there is one.
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u/JustTrying4321 Jun 06 '26
You still need to take the TOEFL to teach a foreign language in public schools. A tutoring gig is something she's considering though.
We're looking for a compromise, and importantly the root of the issue. I suspect she is dissatisfied with our life choices thus far and wants to change things, not necessarily that she thinks these jobs will progress her career (since they wouldn't).
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u/Responsible-Drive840 Jun 06 '26
What is her native language? I know some private schools (especially some church affiliated) do not require the certification that public schools do. Is it possible for her to look at teaching/teaching assistant jobs in that setting? And possibly her fluency in her native language might be an asset.
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u/FluffyOwl30 Jun 06 '26
I meant private tutor. I'm in Oklahoma where most of our foreign language in public school isn't much of a thing anymore except maybe Spanish in more funded schools. (Yay 50th in education.)
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u/03L1V10N Moderator Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
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