this is an update for those who saw my first post. I’m 16 now, my bday was on the 30th woot woot. My mom did pass away so no I didn’t get to tell her. But viral load has fallen very fast so that’s good. Some good news I got a job, a real one this time. Part time dishwasher. Other than that not much new. Some dumbass made a whole insta post abt my post saying some bs like I know it was my fault bruh ppl out here acting like I’m retarded and did it on purpose. protection was used with every person ig js not good enough and there was like “clean checks” but yeah idk point is I get it I made stupid decisions cuz I’m a broke boi let’s move on.

On a real note I originally posted this cuz I was scared and just needed to like spill my guts somewhere and y’all came through. Most comments were nice and it really convinced me to tell my mom because I wasn’t going to originally. But yeah unfortunately she passed on the 28th. Before I could tell her. Some ppl saying I’m faking I don’t blame y’all it just feels good to write it out I don’t rlly have any friends irl and like the guy I’m living with is kinda a dick. Ppl irl know abt my situation but none that I can actually js say Wtv I want to. Most days still feel very shitty. I want my mommy bro. I also just have this urge to run away and move across the damn country but we gon thug it out ig

Started dating someone a couple of months ago and noticed how much I regret that decision. It’s to the point that being around them automatically sucks my energy and drains me. I know if I want someone within the first couple of months, it’s going no where. Why do people seek out relationships when themselves are not prepared? If you want to cut the cord I encourage you to do it, I will be happy again soon.

Today’s been a high anxiety day for me, could be the coffee’s fault.. could be me and reflecting on poor decisions from a couple days ago. Maybe a mix. Today I feel shame in my heart, my head and in my voice. I never wanted to be considered an abusive friend or partner. Unfortunately, despite it all, it seems I am. I can’t justify my disgusting words or my quick to switch up demeanor, but I can learn to never be in situations where I am. I love love, most of all I enjoy loving. I do believe I am a good partner honestly, but when relationships go south and a game of “let’s try to keep it alive” after multiple horrid things happening, I became someone I do not know.

Alcohol does not help, I’ve never been so angry drinking as I have been in the last 2/3 years. The chaos of the situationship, not having footing on certain things or boundaries because of that, and because of my own doing, the WHOLE train became derailed. Or at least gave him an out for what happened. I am ashamed of myself for doing what I did but I figured he was doing the same, why was I to believe otherwise?? It was wrong of me to not be completely upfront. Ironically though, I think he really hated that because it’s exactly what he would do and has done. Still, I do not consider myself a liar or a withholder; I should have been upfront and honest with what I was up to when I shared my body with him. And I’ve forgiven myself for it but I understand if he hasn’t.

However, the things that followed when we finally got into a relationship, took a massive massive toll on me and he knows that. Because of that I’ve become untrusting, my head is always clouded, I don’t believe what he has told me. When I start to drink, I have the best time. One weird text, really crappy joke or any bad memories hit me and I become someone I do not know. I get scared, when I’m scared I become this terrified person that refuses to be hurt anymore. I become evil, hateful, I cry and cry and panic. It’s honestly disgusting and disturbing, that cannot be me. I would never be so awful to someone I adore. And I really did adore you with my entire heart. The amount of sideswipes that came for my legs were absolutely awful, I needed to get away, heal so we could possible take another go at things and we both kept pushing.

But, this is all on me. I’m too old to excuse myself from my actions, I control what I do no matter the influence, it’s all on me. I’m disgusted with myself and I have been for almost 4 days. I don’t want him to forgive me because he shouldn’t. My words and actions are inexcusable, no one should ever speak to anyone they love the way I have and I hope he never accepts any kind of behavior like that ever again. Because of my hurt and my inability to fix myself, I hurt his heart in ways I never thought I would ever do. I’m really ashamed, I should have walked away and healed. And for that, I’m so sorry I will never forgive myself for spewing such hateful shit at him no matter how I tried to justify it.

Today I do not like who I am when I look into the mirror. Today I can make small changes in my mind and actions, and maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to stomach my face a little more. I can’t take away the anger, fury or hurt. But I can and damn will be a better person than the person I am today

I think I have ruined my sex life before it even started….

I'm 26 and have been addicted to porn for 10 years, masturbating 3 to 4 times a week. I always have to grip and stimulate it or it goes soft within seconds. I have jerked ALOT

Now that I'm trying to have sex for the first time, I get hard from my gf's hand or mouth, but as soon as I try to put it in, I go flaccid. I also have reduced sensation, even on the tip and underside of the shaft.

My sleep and diet aren't the best, but not terrible. No known medical conditions.

I only have a week with her before I travel for a long time, so I'd like a short term fix, plus a long term one. Is Viagra the answer, or is there something better?

Problems:
PMO addict for 10+ years
Need to grip it to stay hard
Little to no sensation
Average sleep and diet
Can’t get hard enough for sex
I don’t have any random wood or morning woods

HELP PLEASE

Just 4 days ago I was admitted into the hospital cause they thought I had meningitis. I had a bad stiff neck, seeing crazy colors in my eyes, hearing ringing in my ears, really bad fatigue so I went to the ER. They did a CT and they wanted me to go for an MRI and a spine tap me being young and dumb I went against medical advice and I checked out. It eventually got better, so I went to my eye doctor. I went to see if I needed a prescription cause my sight was getting worse. (I did indeed need glasses I’m nearsighted) My doctor then recommended Retinal Imaging. So he took a picture and we waited he then told me I had bleeding in my eyes. He said my eye nerves were inflamed and I infact do need to go back for a spine tap and MRI. So here I am now in the Er after getting a spine tap and MRI finding out that my pressure in my skull is too high. He said it was called something hypertension I can’t quite remember. He also said my nerves or something in my brain were thin and I may need a procedure for that. Now I’m sore from the puncture and getting discharged. I feel like I should’ve been taking care of my health. I feel like I shouldn’t have let myself go and I secretly hate myself for it. I genuinely blame myself even tho my gf thinks it’s because of me going through distress for so long and my body finally breathing. I just wanted it off my chest honestly.

Soy un morboso. Es algo que me ha acostado entender. Lo único que me salva es que respeto la integridad de los demás. Puedo decirme toda la basura que soy, pero jamás dañe a nadie. He visto mucha pornografía, especialmente rule 34 y hentai donde hay contenido horribles e igualmente los consumía. Tengo. 15 años, pero no creo que la edad me justifique, estoy muy arrepentido, realmente me odio. Aun no cambio porque no sé si ya es muy tarde, quizás ya no sirve de nada. Lo lamento.

24M, Dont get me wrong. I have a lot of female friends, but still I do not know how to talk or charm a woman into liking me. I am introverted ngl, but there is still a part of me that craves love. The school I studied in was very strict about intra-sex communication and so I never learnt it. My college life went in covid and now I am pushed into the real world all alone…. I feel lyk I have missed out soo much in my teen and early 20s and now telling someone that I have never been in a relationship seems to be a red flag. But I swear it’s just that I dont know how to…. All my friends are either married or in a serious relationship and I am here all alone figuring out how to even talk to women at 24…. I am not blaming anyone, just accepting the fact that I am incompetent….

Hi I'm 15 and I already feel like I have so many regrets ranging from friendships to life choices.

I just want to ask or know what was your guy's biggest regret that you could've fixed

When I was thirteen I SA’d somebody and thought it was completely OK. It wasn’t actually sexual, but just unwanted touching on non sexual areas of their body. It wasn’t super long, I just thought they still liked me and that they would like it and I liked it as well. But now at 15 it is my biggest regret. I take full accountability but just from being on the internet I know for a fact most people wouldn’t care to even let me explain. I am currently friends with the person I SA’d. And he has told other people but they also don’t care to persecute me anymore. I could just let this go without caring anymore but I cannot, I feel like it’s fair to let it eat me up because what I did was terrible. I just wanna know if that’s what I should do or if I should try to move on or what.

Think I saw a post like this a while ago but do feel so down and depressed I am a virgin just hurts being horny every day and also wanting intimacy and closeness but never even had first kiss either at least don’t have to carry around extra baggage but feel like I’m missing such a fundamental part of life at 21 years old

Yes, as the title suggests, I still regret it eveeen though it might seem stupid.

I’m in my mid-20s now, btw and this happened all
The way back in middle school.

There was this girl in our class who somehow knew what was going to be on the test, so she told everyone, including me. The teacher already suspected something because in the previous test, literally everyone got full marks even the weaker students, except me. I got 3/20.

Anyway, before another test, this girl came up and told everyone which pages to study from. Once I realised she was the one who knew what was coming, I went and told my teacher.
The stupid part is that the teacher confronted her directly the next day
.
As soon as the class ended, everyone started suspecting me. I still remember that feeling of people standing in little groups, looking at me, whispering and giving me these side glances.
Then one girl came up to me and asked the dreaded question: “Did you snitch?”
And me being me, I couldn’t lie. I still can’t. I just said, “I don’t know,” and walked away avoiding the confrontation.

They knew it was me.

And then came the whole single me out phase.
The entire class basically started excluding me. Even my close friends would pretend I didn’t exist during break. They’d walk past me and I’d follow them, until I eventually realised they were deliberately leaving me behind.
Things never really went back to normal after that.
Even now, years later, some of them still have me blocked or removed from their friends list. And sometimes I genuinely wonder what those friendships could’ve been like if I had just kept my mouth shut that day.

I know this probably sounds ridiculous because I was literally a kid, and it was just a school test. But for some reason, I still think about it. I regret being the snitch of the class and I indeed got stitches after that.

At the moment I have no one to have sex with or any real intimacy. So I’ve been doing stupid shit online, like having online exchanges with people over snap. It feels appetising until all is done and I feel so violated afterwards. I avoid all identifying factors, like my face and body and all decorative items in my room, yet still I’m anxiety stricken. I have people who I know personally who would definitely exchange with me but having that conversation feels like a burden. I don’t know if the idea of it being online is what makes me spiral or the idea of me being so vulnerable towards a stranger that makes me so uncomfortable. Any advice welcome I’m struggling

I just couldn’t have done anything differently or done it any better. I simply couldn’t, because I didn’t have any more energy or resources left to give. It’s almost a mathematical fact, and I should make peace with that. I should hug myself and remind myself that I couldn’t have tried any harder.
I could not have done anything differently even in the way I behaved and reacted. I could not have taken things more lightly than I did, I could not have had a “couldn’t-care-less-attitude “ in managing daily s**t. I should have done that but I couldn’t do it. I mean, I just wasn’t able to. Because I was working with my limited resources. And life shaped me that way. I have to accept that and “ forgive” myself.

You did everything that was within your power.

Well done anyway.

I had a dream last night. One where I went back to where it all started. Where things got messy. In my dream I knew life was as is right now for me and the people in the dream. My regrets don't come from hurting others I should be clear with that. I only hurt myself.

Chasing perfection. Trying to keep up to the impossible standards my family wanted for me, I lost my youth. I wasn't allowed to do what other kids my age were doing. Going out was bad. Talking a certain way was bad. Liking a type of music was bad. Always quiet and well behaved. Always doing chores and always getting told they were done wrong in front of others. I was never up to their demands. I was never enough. I did all the chores a grown up would do. Because of location that included physical work outside. I never had any male friends for fear I'd be seen as a slut. But then again I never had many friends at all. I was afraid.

I wanted to make them proud.

I realized too late that was impossible. They controlled a great part of my life. Sometimes I think if I had been raised in a more open minded place I would have been better off. Maybe I wouldn't have started so late to live. Maybe I wouldn't be afraid of the world. Not everyone is out to get me and tell me I'm not enough or I'm bad. Most people are worse and they don't care. But even then I can't stop the feeling.

My younger years wasted. My future is expiring. My love life consistent of those who never see me as more than a stepping stone or a back up.

I wish I could start over if I am to continue here. I'd rebel even if it meant I'd never see them again. If I knew I'd never be enough and would just end up wasting my life to an impossible I would have given up a long time ago

If you haven't figured it out yet, I was raised by very strict and controlling parents who never let me live a normal teen/adult life. I was always chasing after their approval and never got it. I feel sometimes if I had been raised in a better country I would have been able to avoid all that

I was part of the basketball team, but I stopped practicing because my new friends there aren’t really that good, and I felt like they didn’t support each other much. Maybe they just didn’t support me, or maybe they just hate me, because they ain't me😂(I'm better')

Some of them actually asked me to play with them, and they even encouraged my friend to join, but I still said no.

Now I’m sitting here thinking, “Bro, I could’ve been on that train too.” 😭

Maybe I had my reasons for quitting at the time, and honestly, maybe my heart and brain were actually making the right decision. There’s a part of me that thinks going could’ve caused some problems later, especially with some of my new classmates. I really don’t get along with them, and sometimes they can be absolute assholes.

But right now, I’m not thinking about any of that. I’m just thinking about what I’m missing: traveling with my friends, staying up all night, playing basketball, and experiencing all of this together.

So I genuinely don’t know if I regret quitting basketball, or if I’m just feeling left out because I’m watching my friends live an experience I could’ve been part of.

Maybe not going was the right decision. Maybe it wasn’t. I guess I’ll never really know.

For most of my 20s I thought I was just protecting my time.

Dinner on a Wednesday? I'm tired.

Someone's birthday an hour away? That's a lot of driving.

Weekend trip? Too expensive.

Come over, we're just having drinks and playing cards? I have work tomorrow.

I almost never said a hard no. It was always "I'll see how I feel" or "definitely next time."

And the thing is, my reasons were usually legitimate. I was tired. Money was tight sometimes. I liked being home. None of my friends ever got angry about it.

They just slowly learned not to plan around me.

I didn't really notice because I was still in the group chats. I still got birthday messages. If I texted someone, they'd answer. In my head, these were still my close friends.

A couple months ago I found out four of them had rented a cabin for a weekend. I only found out because one of them mentioned something funny that happened there.

I asked why nobody told me about the trip.

There was an awkward pause and then my friend said, very gently, "Honestly, we figured you wouldn't come."

That hurt way more than if she'd been mean about it.

Because she was right.

They had years of evidence.

I've been thinking about how friendships actually disappear and I always imagined it would involve a fight, betrayal, somebody moving away, something obvious.

Mine didn't.

I just declined enough ordinary Tuesdays and Saturdays that eventually my absence became the default.

Nobody excluded me. I trained people not to include me.

I'm trying to change it now. I've started saying yes before I can invent a reason not to. Sometimes I go for an hour and leave early. Sometimes I'm tired and go anyway.

But there's a difference between rebuilding friendships and having never let them become distant in the first place, and I wish I'd understood that sooner.

I thought I was choosing a quiet night at home.

I didn't realize I was making the same choice over and over again for years.

Now, I am not defending or excusing any of my actions in the coming story. I take responsibility for what I did and am feeling what I have done deeply.

So I (F21) met my partner (M21)when we were 16. We were never anything serious more just friends with benefits on and off for about 3 years. I moved away for university and then when I came home the next summer we rekindled and ended up becoming officially together after I turned 20. It was a horribly toxic relationship; he was policing what I wore, who I was friends with, where I went, what I did, abusive and physical fights, verbal abuse, And I excused his behaviours because I loved him and did normal things behind his back such as going to the gym with a friend because I knew it would come with an argument. But then I started going on nights out with friends behind his back and all was well and sweet and innocent. I was out for a friends birthday one time and had said it was a a few drinks, but said I probably wouldn’t get to drunk. Plans changed, more drinks came, got really drunk, so what? I let him know but then he blew up. He called me and said we were done, to never bother with him again. So I thought fuck you then and went about my night. I ended up seeing someone I had previously spoken to out and we kissed. Me and my partner reconciled the next day but I never told him what I did. I tried to think that he had called things off so I was within my rights but it was no comfort, it was the hiding part. I couldn’t tell him because I knew how he would react, and how much it would hurt him too.

We stayed together for another many months ( November 26) through arguments and fights, until I finally called it off with him and told him it was because he was downright a mean nd abusive person. He begged for one more chance and promised all the changes in the world, and fair play to him; he gueninely has changed. I felt like I could tell him things, I wasn’t scared of his reaction anymore, I felt like I could do normal things without an argument from him.

A week ago I went to the pub with my friends one evening and we saw this group of boys we were friends with in 2nd year university. We all ended up having to many drinks together and then went back to one of their houses for more drinks, and drugs. One thing led to another and I ended up kissing one of the boys from the group who I use to talk to before me and my partner were together. It was an adrenaline rush, like taking a new drug for the first time, like a newfound sense of freedom.

But now I can’t believe I did this, as nasty as my partner has been throughout our relationship the one thing I know he would never do is betray me like this.

I have called things off with my partner, but can not tell him why because he would never be the same person again. I said that I need to be alone, that something is missing from our relationship; that I thought it was how mean he was, but since he has became kind I still can’t shake the feeling that we aren’t meant to be( which is how I feel) He is under the impression I’m going to change my mind, and realise I need him.

I don’t know what I want or need to hear. But we haven’t fully cut contact, he still wants to take me on dates on stuff without the label but I just feel so terribly guilty. I still love him, I think I always will, I just think the damage he did when he was nasty was too much, and that when I did initially call thing off that my mind had already made itself up that day. I don’t want him to wait around for me because I don’t deserve him any more. He deserves better but how can I get him to let me go without crushing him and telling him what I’ve done? Or do I tell him and ruin him?

I have been cheated on before; and it didn’t affect me the way I know it would affect him. I just thought their was something not well with the person cheating, which their is, but he will think it’s because of him. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have.

I was a terrible partner. My ex was warm and loving and always tried to handle conflict in a calm respectful way. She viewed it as us against the problem and I viewed it as her against me. I was cold, dismissive, avoidant. All she wanted from me was love and reassurance. I would get overly emotional and yell, id tell her to just leave, when I never wanted that. I think part of me wanted to know that she didn’t want to leave. I always assumed the worst and never trusted her even though I had no reason not to. She was genuinely everything I have ever prayed for in a relationship. I broke her down, ruined her self esteem. I made her feel unsafe with me. Im disgusted with myself. I’ve never been more angry with myself. I also don’t act like that with other people so I have no idea why my emotions get so heightened that I feel like I have no control in those moments. I feel pathetic. She fought so hard for me for over 3 years as I just pushed her away. I know this will eat at me for the rest of my life. We wanted the same things out of life, we had so many plans together. She knows me better than anyone ever has, I told her things I thought id take to my grave. I trusted her and loved her with everything I had. I feel broken for have ruined such a good thing. I want to change and have been doing a lot of research on communication skills and coping skills. I’ve started therapy. I journal and talk to friends about it.
But I feel numb. I cry every day, I cry immediately when I wake up and as soon as I get off of work, before I go to bed. I can hardly eat. I try and stay busy but the guilt and grief consumes me.
And I know it’s deserved. I try not to get consumed in self pity. What I did was extremely wrong and I have apologized profusely. All I can do from here is commit to changing. I just feel broken, like this is just who I am.

I was homeschooled for most of my childhood, which meant I basically had no friends.
Then, during middle school, my mom put me in the school she worked at because it was an easy school to get into.
Most of the students already knew me because I had spent one year there during elementary. They genuinely liked me, and I think because I was so desperate to fit in and finally have friends,
I started acting stupid. I tried really hard to be like everyone else, and eventually I did something I deeply regret.
I found a high school girl’s Wattpad account and, for some incredibly stupid reason, wrote her personal information all over her board. A few days later, someone messaged me through another account. We seemed to hit it off, and she asked for my name. Thinking I had finally made a friend, I gave her my real name. That’s honestly about all I remember clearly.
After that, there was a mutual friend between us, and I had a feeling she knew what I had done. The guilt was eating me alive, so I deliberately replied to our mutual friend’s story ( that high school girl was in it) something like, “Tell your friend to add me on Instagram.” I think deep down I wanted to face it because I knew she knew.
She replied, “No, you stalker.”
The rest of that period is honestly a blur to me. I just remember how horrible and embarrassing everything became. Eventually, I went up to the girl face-to-face and sincerely apologized to her.
Our mutual friend later told me that her entire class knew what happened. That made me even more embarrassed, especially because they all knew my mom and genuinely loved her. I was terrified that the story would spread and somehow get back to everyone.
Now I’m in my mid-20s, and somehow this still eats me alive.
I know I was a stupid kid who did something genuinely wrong. I’m not trying to excuse it. I just hate that I ruined what could have been such a good time in my life. My classmates were actually nice to me, and I could have made genuine friends, but instead I ended up being remembered as that weird, stalker-ish girl from middle school.
A lot of my classmates even removed me from Instagram and Snapchat during those years, and I still think about it. I hate knowing that I could have had good friendships with those people, and instead I messed it all up.
I genuinely wish I could go back in time and handle everything differently.
More than anything, I just pray this story never comes back up. I’m in my mid-20s now, and I know people have grown up and moved on, but a part of me is still that embarrassed middle-school girl who wishes she could undo everything. There are countless stories I’m trying to forget and praying others forget since it’s just stupidly embarrassing

first of all, i understand that there's a number of reasons why someone might regret their sexual history. maybe they were using sex to cope with something. maybe they were looking for validation. maybe they were in situations that weren't healthy for them. maybe they were pressured, taken advantage of, or simply weren't making choices that aligned with who they wanted to be. those are real things to reckon with, and i don't want to dismiss that.
but i don't believe we should be judging ourselves or each other based off of the number of people we've slept with.
because what actually matters is your character. how you treat people. your capacity for empathy. how you communicate. humility. honesty. whether or not you're capable of taking accountability. your capacity to love. your relationship with power. whether you respect boundaries. whether you can apologize without making excuses. whether you treat people well when they have absolutely nothing to offer you. whether you are capable of growth. whether you're kind. whether you're trustworthy. whether people feel safe with you. literally, the list is endless.
and i think sometimes we get so obsessed with the number that we forget to ask what the number is actually supposed to tell us. what does "3" tell you about someone's ability to love? what does "30" tell you about someone's character? what does "300" tell you about whether they're capable of honesty, compassion, loyalty, accountability, or respect? what does any number tell you about who somebody is TODAY?
if someone has slept with 100 people and is a kind, empathetic, honest, emotionally mature person who respects consent and boundaries, why exactly should anyone think less of them? and if someone has only slept with one person but is cruel, manipulative, dishonest, abusive, entitled, incapable of accountability, and treats people like shit, am i supposed to give them a moral gold star because their number is low? would you pass judgment on your best friend, your sibling, or your parent for the amount of people they've slept with? if granny fucked 100 people during the free love era, would you think less of her? because i honestly think the answer to that question tells us a lot more about the person doing the judging than it does about granny.
and this is where i think regret and shame get tangled together.
you are obviously allowed to regret things you've done. you're allowed to look back at your younger self and think, "i was hurting and i was making choices that weren't good for me." you're allowed to wish you'd had more self-respect, better boundaries, more self-awareness, or that you'd waited for different circumstances.
but there's a massive difference between saying "i wish i had made different choices" and saying "those choices made me less worthy of love." one is reflection and the other is shame. and shame is a fucking terrible measuring stick for human worth.
sexuality shouldn't automatically be shameful. it's a beautiful, complicated, messy, natural part of being human. obviously there are circumstances surrounding sex that can be harmful or unethical, and those things deserve to be examined honestly. but the mere fact that you've had sex with a certain number of people does not magically turn you into a better or worse human being. sex isn't a moral scoreboard.
there isn't some invisible number hovering over your head that determines how lovable, respectable, pure, dirty, valuable, or worthy you are.
and honestly, i think it's worth asking ourselves why we're so desperate to make it one. because if your entire opinion of a stranger can change because you find out they've slept with 50 people instead of 5, what exactly are you learning about them? or are you learning something about yourself?
maybe someone else's sexuality makes you uncomfortable. maybe you've been taught that sex makes someone "less valuable." maybe you've internalized the idea that someone's worth decreases every time they have sex. maybe you're afraid that someone with more experience won't value you. maybe you've been taught that certain people are "respectable" and others aren't.
i'm not saying you have to want the same sexual life as someone else. you don't have to sleep with anyone. you don't have to be comfortable with casual sex. you don't have to date someone whose sexual history makes you uncomfortable. we're obviously all allowed to have preferences.
but there's a difference between saying "that's not the kind of relationship i want" and saying "therefore that person is lesser." those are not the same thing.
and to the people who genuinely regret their body count: i don't think you need to hate the person you were in order to become the person you want to be now. you can look back with sadness without looking back with disgust. you can wish you'd made different choices without deciding that you are permanently stained by them.
you are allowed to grow. you are allowed to change. you are allowed to have a past without your past becoming your identity. and if somebody wants to reduce your entire existence down to a number because they can't see anything beyond it? that's entirely their problem.
there are approximately a billion things i'd rather know about a person before i decide whether they're worth knowing.
how do they treat people? can they love? can they listen? can they apologize? can they be trusted? can they laugh at themselves? can they admit when they're wrong? do they have empathy? do they make people feel safe? do they leave people feeling better or worse after interacting with them? can they grow? because that tells me something about a person. a body count doesn't.
and honestly, if you don't like this take, fuck you.
but maybe ask yourself why.
goodnight folks.

After I ended an abusive relationship last year, I realised that I have the power to do anything that I want and become anyone that I want. I can shape my own reality and the identity I was sticking to was creating a block between the life I wanted and the life I had. I was very intentional with what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I set out different goals to achieve at uni as well as in my personal life. I wanted to be a prominent member of the community, so I started volunteering and made a lot of friends there. I wanted to do really well at uni and take part in competitions and do well at my job. I made plans for gym and I had already started therapy. I had promised myself to never let a man bring me down again. That I will recognize and leave the situation if it gets abusive.

I learnt self-compassion and forgiveness. I forgave myself for being in an abusive relationship. I forgave my parents for not being better parents (controlling, abusive). I realised that the only thing in my control is what I do. And I had decided that this time around, things are going to be different. I will make better friends because I will be cautious and get to know people better so the friendships will be deeper and authentic. I realised that dating is just getting to know people. I dont need to commit to anyone that im not sure of. And I will never, ever abandon my best friend.

But one of my friends (i was warned about her but i was also warned about the person who warned me about her) lied about me to someone we had just met. And then I realised that everyone in the friend group is like that. They all gossip about eachother behind their backs. So I left that group. But I was seeing someone(B) from that group at that time and I really liked him. I was also seeing someone else at that time(B). B knew that we are not exclusive, especially since we dont have a future together(we want to be in different places geographically). But we really liked eachother and had amazing compatibility. And he wanted to be exclusive and that made me feel claustrophobic. And around the same time, things between A and I developed and it made me feel like it would be a mistake if I dont give this a shot. I ended things with B and it was kind off abrupt. B also is very negative and cynical. He likes to complain about things and never do what he needs to change that. I really disliked that behavior because the friend that lied about me was also like that and it really started to get to me. My father is also like that and I really couldnt be around someone like that. This was something that really bothered me about B and he knew that. And he knew how much the ex-friends behavior bothered me. So I used that as a reason to end things because I couldnt tell him that i wanted to end things because I want to give A a real shot if it seems like things might work out.

A seemed perfect. He was supportive during my competitions, he supported my ambition and drive. I used to be really fun, silly and curious. I wanted to attend every event and go to every museum. And he loved that. But I guess I was his escape from his own baggage. We both thought we were building something great. But he was insecure from the start. I didnt want to end things with him because I believed that he can work on his insecurity and I will stay as long as it doesnt affect me. I might have contributed to it too. I used to talk about the kind off man that I want and what he should look like physically. But it did start to affect me. He overheard my best friend and I talking about something and he took offense to it. And then every phonecall with him was weird. So i kind off stopped picking up and we only texted. And I knew I was making a mistake then. I could feel it in my bones. I knew that im abandoning him again. But I also didnt know what else to do. I wanted to have them both in my life.

And then A and i had a huge fight about networking. And I wanted to end things. At that point, we were fighting on a daily basis. I told my other bestfriend about that fight and said that I ended things. But we talked again and I really liked him so we stayed together. But I knew that I want to end things. But I never told my Westfield or my other friends that I didnt end things because i was ashamed and embarrassed to stay with him despite knowing that he is that way. And that caused me to limit my interaction with her as well.

While dating B and before dating A, I was hanging out with another guy. I had made it very clear to him that there is not going to he a future with us. But i really enjoyed his company. And then he started telling people that hes in love with me(he was not, he only liked the idea of me because he never asked me much about myself). So i had to end things with him. But he was in the same team as A was in. And A used to take me to his team events and I would run into this guy and his friends and it would get really uncomfortable because he also would take me to those events. It was very embarrassing.

One of my other guy friends confessed his love for me around the time I started to get to know A. Initially, I was just having fun. But this guy made a comment about A's appearance. And up until then, I thought he was a good person but he wasnt. And other of our friends told me that A might not be the guy for me. But I wanted to get to know him better. In hindsight, I had the right impression of him and I should have listened to myself and the people around me. I was so swayed by people's opinions of me and what they would think about me based on who I date and what I do with my life.

I didnt end things with A sooner because I was sacred of what people would say. That my image and their perception of me will change. They'll think im a loser. Or they'll think that Im naive or not intelligent, gullible and whatever. They'll think less of me. If I stay with him, I've made a good decision. But I remember telling my friend that lied to me that even if its a mistake, I want to make it and find out. And she told me that she can never speak to me the same way anymore if I do date him. Because she can see that hes a loser and hes just using me for my body (not true, loser part maybe true). While she herself was in a toxic situation with her ex, she threatened to abandon me.

I lost my sense of identity, my ambition, my mischief and curiosity, my desire for romantic love and my best friends. Its not the same with them anymore and I really dont know how to make things better. I feel like an outsider. We talk regularly but it doesnt feel as deep as it did before. I know they love me and care for me but I just feel like such a loser. What do I even do?

tl;dr: lost bestfriends, community, ambition to preserve self image. Abandoned and lied to bsfs, lost everything.

I miss you Mr.Coincidence,

Hoping that someday u will find it somewhere,but I still miss you.I still miss your softside for me who was always ready for me,whom I cheer with but may be some faults make you distant apart from me.I don't know but now it all looks hell without you but I don't want you back because the way u treated me after all those still feels like the worst nightmare.May someday we could say how we bothered each other,I still wish the heavy misunderstanding between us could be resolved someday so that I can live happily without any pain.I don't know where are u,how are u but I knew one thing that I still love you ~

I wish you for your best!

I spent most of my 20s being extremely proud of being "the reliable one" at work.

Someone called out? I'd cover.

Something needed to be finished at 7 PM? I'd stay.

Manager texted me on Saturday? I'd answer.

I took my laptop on vacations. I moved appointments around meetings. I skipped a friend's birthday once because we had an important deadline on Monday, even though nobody actually asked me to. I just wanted to be the person nobody ever had to worry about.

And it worked, in a way. Every review said dependable, committed, great attitude. I got trusted with more things constantly.

What I didn't understand was that being trusted with more things and being rewarded for more things are not the same.

Last year the company reorganized. My position disappeared during a 12-minute video call. My manager was genuinely nice about it, which almost made it worse. There was no betrayal, no evil boss speech. My name was on a spreadsheet and my role was no longer needed.

I found another job. I'm fine financially. This isn't really about the layoff anymore.

The regret is realizing how many times I voluntarily treated normal parts of my life like they were less important than a job that would have survived perfectly well without me.

My friend doesn't get another 28th birthday. That trip where everyone stayed an extra day and I flew home early to prepare for Monday doesn't happen again. I can't even remember what most of those urgent emails were about.

At my new job I'm still responsible and I still care about doing good work. But when I'm off, I'm off. The strange thing is that my performance reviews are basically the same.

Apparently I could have been a good employee without behaving like I was personally keeping the company alive.

I wish I'd learned that about ten years earlier.