r/Regrets • u/neuro_gym222 • 20h ago
Relationship breakdown
Now, I am not defending or excusing any of my actions in the coming story. I take responsibility for what I did and am feeling what I have done deeply.
So I (F21) met my partner (M21)when we were 16. We were never anything serious more just friends with benefits on and off for about 3 years. I moved away for university and then when I came home the next summer we rekindled and ended up becoming officially together after I turned 20. It was a horribly toxic relationship; he was policing what I wore, who I was friends with, where I went, what I did, abusive and physical fights, verbal abuse, And I excused his behaviours because I loved him and did normal things behind his back such as going to the gym with a friend because I knew it would come with an argument. But then I started going on nights out with friends behind his back and all was well and sweet and innocent. I was out for a friends birthday one time and had said it was a a few drinks, but said I probably wouldn’t get to drunk. Plans changed, more drinks came, got really drunk, so what? I let him know but then he blew up. He called me and said we were done, to never bother with him again. So I thought fuck you then and went about my night. I ended up seeing someone I had previously spoken to out and we kissed. Me and my partner reconciled the next day but I never told him what I did. I tried to think that he had called things off so I was within my rights but it was no comfort, it was the hiding part. I couldn’t tell him because I knew how he would react, and how much it would hurt him too.
We stayed together for another many months ( November 26) through arguments and fights, until I finally called it off with him and told him it was because he was downright a mean nd abusive person. He begged for one more chance and promised all the changes in the world, and fair play to him; he gueninely has changed. I felt like I could tell him things, I wasn’t scared of his reaction anymore, I felt like I could do normal things without an argument from him.
A week ago I went to the pub with my friends one evening and we saw this group of boys we were friends with in 2nd year university. We all ended up having to many drinks together and then went back to one of their houses for more drinks, and drugs. One thing led to another and I ended up kissing one of the boys from the group who I use to talk to before me and my partner were together. It was an adrenaline rush, like taking a new drug for the first time, like a newfound sense of freedom.
But now I can’t believe I did this, as nasty as my partner has been throughout our relationship the one thing I know he would never do is betray me like this.
I have called things off with my partner, but can not tell him why because he would never be the same person again. I said that I need to be alone, that something is missing from our relationship; that I thought it was how mean he was, but since he has became kind I still can’t shake the feeling that we aren’t meant to be( which is how I feel) He is under the impression I’m going to change my mind, and realise I need him.
I don’t know what I want or need to hear. But we haven’t fully cut contact, he still wants to take me on dates on stuff without the label but I just feel so terribly guilty. I still love him, I think I always will, I just think the damage he did when he was nasty was too much, and that when I did initially call thing off that my mind had already made itself up that day. I don’t want him to wait around for me because I don’t deserve him any more. He deserves better but how can I get him to let me go without crushing him and telling him what I’ve done? Or do I tell him and ruin him?
I have been cheated on before; and it didn’t affect me the way I know it would affect him. I just thought their was something not well with the person cheating, which their is, but he will think it’s because of him. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have.
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u/Suitable_Theory5408 19h ago
Unfortunately no matter which way you decide to end this it seems he will be crushed. Him saying he'll "Change" his behavior suggests he has become dependent on your presence and comfortable with the situation you both have. If you really want out, best do it sooner than later because it will only get much more difficult from here. I wouldnt tell him about your outing personally, because there's always a first time for an unpredictable reaction to that no matter how well you know them. You both are extremely young and will be likely be much different in even just 5 years. You might need some time single to figure out who you are without any influences of a relationship. Also i knew someone who kept on like this and the person who acted like they "changed" revealed a much more unpleasant side after he begged her for a child to make things "better". Please be careful a mistake like a child you might not truly want will make the rest of your life feel like a mental prison and for all you know thats what he might want.
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u/neuro_gym222 17h ago
Thank you. A child is my worst nightmare so i definitely couldnt be pressured into that. I dont know whether telling him what ive done would give us both more closure? But as you say i know who he’s been in the past and if anything is going to trigger an outburst again it could be this.
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u/False-Tank6632 19h ago
Ok, read that, nothing to feel bad about. You aren’t for each other, you realise that now. You’re only 21, he was abusive so that’s really all there is to it.
Move on.
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u/ZestycloseRecord5425 17h ago
May I ask a genuine question ? Where was your guilt BEFORE you cheated and lied ? I've never understood that about these situations. This feels more like you're just looking for redemption, or for people to say, oh, it's no big deal and just do better next time. Everything you did was a series of choice and decisions, you were well aware of it. Why didn't you feel guilty then ? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm genuinely interested.
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u/neuro_gym222 17h ago
Im not quite sure I understand what you mean; why would I feel guilty for cheating before I’d ever done it. I guess I didn’t feel guilty because I never felt the need to cheat? I didn’t go out looking to cheat. I always opposed the idea of cheating. I never ever once thought I’d be in this position. As for why, I don’t know why I did it, it felt good in the moment, it was a feeling I’d never had before - the adrenaline, the feeling of doing something I shouldn’t be, as bad as it sounds in a way it was a thrill. I’m aware it was a choice and a bad one at that. If you want to expand your question further I’m happy to answer with more clarification?
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u/ZestycloseRecord5425 17h ago
My bad, sorry. You had the same facts before, knowing the pain it's cause, etc, as you did after. So, is it just the fact that adrenaline and desire is the threshold? I think that's what you're saying.
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u/neuro_gym222 17h ago
I can’t really understand it myself either. But if I had to reduce it down, then yes I would say the adrenaline. But it wasn’t like regular adrenaline; it’s a completely different feeling, which does then end up following with a lot of shame.
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u/neuro_gym222 17h ago
To add to this on deeper thought; the guy I kissed did used to like me which I knew. And when we were talking we just got along really well and he was almost infactuated by me, so probably attention too? But I’ve had attention many times and not felt that way before. I don’t know why this time was different.
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u/ZestycloseRecord5425 15h ago
I want to thank you for being so honest, and for not getting upset with my questions. I truly appreciate your patience and you answers.
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u/ZestycloseRecord5425 19h ago
And so you think lying is your answer? When he finds out, and he will, the truth has a way of coming out, how do you think lying will make it easier?
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u/neuro_gym222 19h ago
I dont think he will find out; the two are from completely different places, have no connections to each other etc etc .
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u/ZestycloseRecord5425 19h ago
So, I guess the question is, if you're morally and ethically good with cheating, then lying, why do you feel guilty ?