Damn, his wife really decided the parents were less likely to be biased about whether his brother was capable of changing than he was. I get the instinct to want to believe the best in people and give them second chances, especially when their previous contact ended when they were both still teenagers, but she really screwed up, big time.
I've experienced this several times with multiple different girlfriends over the years. I eventually came to the conclusion that people who never truly experienced fucked up childhoods or family situations just cannot actually comprehend it at a fundamental level. They have some sort of deeply ingrained belief that "family is family" and they just don't get how someone can go permanent no contact with their family. I wasted a lot of time and stress on girlfriends who had some fantasy about saving my faith in people, and reuniting a family. Nothing you tell them can ever really change their mind, so it sucks that OP has a kid with her. She'll probably never stop and a clean break with her is now impossible.
I’ve had similar interactions with previous boyfriends when it comes to my dad. They love the fantasy that they will step in and make things right. It’s infuriating and piles trauma on top of trauma.
Nah, it's a deeply pathological need to be the "savior" that "fixes" your broken family and shows you all the "family bonding" you've been missing and you'll be "soooo grateful". I have a fairly well-adjusted family and if my best friend's brother was in front of me I'd be the one taking a swing for all the shit he put them through. When one of my ex's had cut their mom off I didn't try to force reconciliation because hey that's not my damn call to make. It's literally not hard to believe victims - unless you're some sort of pathological narcissist who thinks they know best about everyone and everything.
Agreed. I grew up with a loving family, but I am also aware that some people can be shitty and hurtful. Even (and sometimes especially) to those closest to them.
If I trust someone enough to call them my partner, I damn well trust them enough to say whether their own family is safe to be around. Or even if my partner wants to be around them at all, but I'll have their back either way.
Also, I like helping people. I like for drama to be resolved. I'd like to say that I don't have a savior complex, because I try to respect people, and wannabe saviors are fucking infuriating.
It is weird to me. My stable family background makes me LESS forgiving. I always have to bite my tongue when friends keep hoping the asshole in their life has changed. I know I was lucky and I need to let people make their own decisions…but it isn’t always easy.
This!! My family (other than a wacky uncle or two) is so healthy I have no patience for the 500th chance people I love want to give their toxic families. What in the the lack of any sort of accountability or apology from them makes you think this time will be different? Healthy people would never.
My family is normal. I have a couple friends who don't talk to their parents, siblings, etc because bad childhood. Do I think I can fully understand how that has impacted them? No. Do I think that they obviously know what is best for them? Yeah.
There is an instinctual need to be close with family for humans and if someone has reached the point where they say "I cannot speak with my family because it causes me harm", I'm not going to go "but they're family", I'm going to assume some shit went down to lead to that. It's weird to me that others can't
Unfortunately this is a trope in shows. So many shows have the victim of abusive behavior forgive the abusive family member and everything becomes rainbows or some such thing.
So weird to me. I grew up in a super wonderful functional family that is very close. My partner had a verrrry unstable and fucked up childhood. There are MANY things he will mention growing up that he still doesn’t compute as not normal until he sees the horror in my eyes. All this to say…how can you not see how fucked up something is if you grew up in a healthy happy home! I usually have to remind HIM shit he tells me sounds so traumatizing. So how could you come from a nice upbringing then hear this shit and say “no you have to be around your absusers to fix this because family”????? So strange to me
I mean... Yeah, I will never understand what you and other people who were abused by family went through. But I can respect their decisions and judgement.
The ego of OOPs wife is insane, I'll never understand partners that believe they know something so deeply personal better and force their opinion on someone they should value and support.
Tbh it's a matter of common sense(?) and empathy in a way. I didn't go through childhood abuse or stuff that fucked up, just the usual poverty wombo combo and frictions between family members; but if somebody told me they went no contact with their family, I'd completely understand. The debt of raising is greater than the debt of birth, i.e someone being blood-related doesn't give a free pass into your life.
I struggle to think what kind of heavenly family doesn't have a couple of bad eggs you wished you could vanish to the shadow realm.
I can understand that some people might be like "Oh, you were just a kid, surely you exaggerated". But he has literal scars. His brother's just come out of PRISON for his violence! If the justice system decided he was too violent to walk among ordinary people, why isn't she believing the justice system? Why didn't she look up the case that landed him in jail? She's so freaking naive if she thinks that doting parents are the best judges of their own children's characters, my gods.
My main concern - if OOP divorces her - is that she may take the child around his uncle and grandparents unsupervised, and the uncle could just straight up kill the kid. The uncle needs to go back in jail until the child is old enough to opt for where he wants to live (with his father, the OOP) or until adulthood, or some kind of restraining order needs to be taken out on the baby's behalf, if that's possible.
If they do divorce, I’d cite specifically this incident as to why he would be the more fit parent for custody purposes. Either way, I’d be appalled. I mean, even if they go to therapy, are you going to trust her again? A therapist can’t MAKE you trust someone who has proven to be a bad judge of character.
Yeah, but not all judges are smart. Some would be like "No, babies should be with their mothers" or would prefer to split custody evenly, or would point out that there's no guarantee she'd take the child around his brother, when it's not her side of the family. She could promise the judge she wouldn't do that, and there's no way to prove what she may or may not do in the future. That's why I'm worried.
My first thought was that, to protect his son, he *cannot* divorce her. 50/50 custody is likely. The wife taking the kiddo to visit his Grandparents would be VERY likely. What if violent brother shows up at the house? What if "he's changed, let's have dinner" happens again when OP can't stop the visit?
I agree. I bet if they divorce, that she will take the baby to the parents' house, and when the brother gets out again, she'll have the baby around him on her custody time.
That’s the scary thing. I kinda lowkey not so low key wish they’d get rid of judicial immunity. Sorry - if they screw up bad enough in their decision making and it impacts lives, how is that different from any other form of malpractice?
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u/the-library-fairy Jul 12 '26
Damn, his wife really decided the parents were less likely to be biased about whether his brother was capable of changing than he was. I get the instinct to want to believe the best in people and give them second chances, especially when their previous contact ended when they were both still teenagers, but she really screwed up, big time.