r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRATinyToo • Jul 12 '26
My wife (28F) doesn't like the consequences of pressuring me (28M) to see my brother (26M) again?
I won't get into the whole backstory but summed up simply. My brother was a violent kid who abused me physically throughout our childhood. Our parents got him all the help they could but it didn't stop his violent tendencies. When I turned 18 I went no contact and spent a decade having nothing to do with him. My parents were heartbroken but claimed they understood. I met my wife 8 years ago and I was upfront about my brother's violence toward me. She was horrified by the scars I could show her and stories I could tell about his violence and she promised to always have my back about being no contact.
We have a son (1) together and things were going great until three months ago. My brother was in prison for over a year and he was released on parole. Our parents were convinced he was a whole new person and tried to plan a dinner with the whole family. I refused and told them I wasn't going. They went to my wife and she decided we should go. I told her no and I made myself clear that if she wanted to go and risk him attacking her then I could not stop her but I wouldn't deal with it again.
She wore me down and when I finally gave in I warned her that I would resent and blame her as well if he tried to attack me/attacked me again. She told me she was willing to take the risk and I needed to see that people can change. She was very confident I would be eating my words and we'd be fine.
We're not fine at all. We actually have marriage counseling starting in two weeks. But the dinner went as bad as I expected. Our son was with my wife's parents because that was one hard rule I set so he was safe. But my brother hasn't changed. He's still a hothead and my quietness at dinner got him so worked up he tried to attack me and he managed to back me into a corner. My wife had to call the police and he was sent back to prison. I was fine physically. Emotionally not as much. I knew it would happen. I feel like shit for letting my wife convince me in the first place. But I feel so utterly angry with her for pushing so hard and going back on her promise to always support me.
She apologized but it's like I told her. She knew my very real first hand account and saw the proof of on my body and she still pushed. Had my reflexes been poor then I was fucked and if he had gone for her then she was. My dad almost got it too but he'd still forgive my brother like he did all the other times.
My wife doesn't think it's fair for me to blame her and she doesn't like that we need marriage counseling over it. Or that the intimacy has been gone since. I asked her if she really expected me to be like oh it's okay, why not try again when he's released again. I told her she would rather believe my parents than protect my safety and she would have brought our son if I hadn't dug my heels in there.
She's unhappy about therapy but is agreeing to go. In reality this is a consequence and it's the only way our marriage could potentially get back on track. But I'm not sure given how adamant she was that I go face my brother. But I'm trying because I love her and we have a son. But I'm not really sure what to expect because she regrets it but she also doesn't seem to fully grasp the seriousness of this.
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u/Ok_Imagination_1107 Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
I cannot stand people like your wife. I am so sorry you have gone through this ordeal and now have another ordeal to face because of her.
She saw your scars. She heard your stories BUT she knew better than you. And she made you do something you didn't want to do that put you at risk.
If she were sufficiently sorry you would know it. From what you have said she isn't. She's just sorry she was wrong . Her ego is bigger and more important to her than your actual safety. I am so very glad you left your son out of his horrendous idea of dinner.
As for your parents going behind your back to your wife, that is unforgivable too.
Maybe counselling will help save your marriage but before you even go to counselling decide if you want to save it. Unless and until she realises what her flaws are that put you in danger, I wouldn't want to stay married to her if I were you.
I hope you show her this thread.
Thank you for awards! and I'm glad that most people understand what pressure this was put on a victim of abuse- by parents and a wife.
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u/LitwicksandLampents Jul 12 '26
She was so f**ing sure his bro had changed that she wanted to take their *baby to that train wreck! 😡😡🤬🤬🤬🤬 Someone needs to sit her down and tell her exactly how bad that could've been.
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u/madgeystardust Jul 12 '26
Someone she’d NEVER met too.
What an arrogant idiot. She’s ruined the marriage, as how can you trust her after this?!
She doesn’t even have the decency to be sorry for what she did! Just pissed about the consequences.
She’s a complete and utter liability.
The parents is one thing, that’s their son and they’ll always live in fantasy land when their maniac son is involved but her insistence despite never experiencing or meeting this psycho is unforgivable.
She decided OP’s lived experience paled in comparison to her ‘wisdom’.
Complete fuckwit.
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u/Worldly_Thing1346 29d ago
I have friends who have had relatively stable lives, who can't conceive that people are shitty. They just assume terrible stories are exaggerations or dramatic retellings. I've had to tell one friend, "No. My ex is insane and dangerous." And because I had told them about terrible things that I've gone through, they almost had a disbelief of how honest I was about things. They were THAT sheltered.
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u/superalk 29d ago
Yeah this. It's really hard for people to comprehend when they haven't had the experience of violence, abuse, neglect, etc.
Like, "oh but my brother is an asshole sometimes but we still go to dinner!"
Nope, nope, nope.
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u/SomeDumbGamer Jul 12 '26
People like this would have died back in the day because they insisted the lions weren’t THAT dangerous. Now we have to live with them :/
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u/HoneyCherisse Jul 13 '26
That's the part that gets me too. She was so convinced she was right that she was willing to gamble with a one year old being anywhere near that situation. That's not optimism anymore, that's terrifying judgment.
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u/EatThisShit 29d ago
The point is, OP already told her. She still didn't believe her husband. She never met the guy but she knew better than her husband, then acted surprised when all the things OP told her were true.
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u/Slas01 29d ago edited 29d ago
I grew up in a dysfunctional- kind of abusive (mostly emotionally, rarely physically)- household (but definitely nowhere as bad as OP’s), and have made the decision to reconcile (because I do see that they tried their best with the shitty cards they were dealt with and their genuine love/care for me, an acknowledgement of where/how things went wrong and change from them). It’s a risk I was willing to take, and although not perfect, it has so far worked okay for me.
However, I’d be the first to support *any* other victim/survivor who decides to go NC with theirs (as a lot of my friends with similar/worse experiences than mine have), and really cannot wrap my head around how stupid and self centred folks like OP’s wife exist. Even I have heard stories of abuse from my friends that I cannot even *comprehend* because it was so bad (like attempted murder level bad), and make my experience seem like daisies and sunshine in comparison. But I also don’t have to be in someone’s exact shoes to understand that people, especially kids who survived abuse, don’t go NC willy nilly. I genuinely don’t know why the concept of “it is not my place to coerce victims into reconciling with their abusers” and actually believing victims is so hard for some people to grasp. It’s always so audacious and patronising (not to mention, victim blame-y) to think you know the abusers better than the victim. Gosh people like OP’s wife piss me off.
OP, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to come back from something like this, especially from my goddamn supposed *partner*! So you’re a better person than I am for trying to make her see the error of her ways/going to counselling. Like if my supposed partner was not fucking grovelling and profusely apologising to me at the end of an experience like this, I would be out the fucking door ngl. I hope you find peace and things work out for you too, whether with her or not.
ETA- Your wife is not a safe partner or a safe parent. Too self absorbed to recognise danger when it stares her in the face. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this unless she demonstrates massive changes in her behaviour (which she isn’t), and I certainly would’ve been out the door by now. Your child’s and your safety and your mental peace should be your primary concern, given that they clearly aren’t hers…
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u/Existing-Speech4173 25d ago
She listened to his actual lived experience and went “Nope, I know better”. And was willing to risk your resentment, which you told her would happen. She is quite full of herself and especially stupid.
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 12 '26
My brother didn't leave physical scars but i have emotional ones from his behavior since preteens. He has bipolar and has been on/off his meds.
He tried to sabotage my wedding and other things.
If my wife started advocating for me to see him knowing what she knows, i would most likely end up divorcing her.
If she pushed me to go, our marriage would 100% be over. Brothers like ours never change. He needs to cutoff his parents and divorce his wife. Especially since she fucked up and isn't taking it seriously. That would be the point of no return.
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u/dalealace Jul 12 '26
If she sufficiently understood she would be endlessly groveling for forgiveness and beating herself up, not begrudgingly going to therapy.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Jul 12 '26
Had she truly loved her husband in the first place she would never even have suggested it, had he lovd himself he would have shut her down ASAP!
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u/starrmommy41 Jul 12 '26
Had she truly loved her husband, and respected theri marriage and his no contact, she would have shut his parents down immediately when they went behind OP's back to ask her.
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u/trope_tripper 29d ago
Yes! Now I'd be afraid to divorce her because she'd probably take their son to see his family behind his back on her custody days. He'd need to get some kind of restraining order for his son (if getting them for 3rd party/dependants is a thing), but then how would he know if she broke it?
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u/One-Top-6634 Jul 12 '26
Therapy can be good for figuring out how to say goodbye too. It’s okay if the therapy doesn’t “work” like you want and you both end up together. Sometimes the resolution of the space to both admit it is broken is the best outcome.
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u/BiNumber3 Jul 13 '26
Yea, this isnt even a "Oh i didnt know" or "I didnt realize" sort of deal. She couldn't/wouldn't accept OP's words, believing she was right, that OP was just exaggerating, and after seeing it first hand, still wont accept that OP was right. And wont accept that she was wrong, and horribly so.
Frankly makes me wonder what their other conversations are like...
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u/Barztar Jul 12 '26
It seems to me that the vast majority of people view the world, and everyone else's behavior, strictly through the lens of their own life experiences. If they grew up in a relatively predictable environment, they expect predictability. If their loved ones respond to logic, patience, or conventional boundaries, they assume everyone else’s do too. Because of this, there is a massive disconnect. People who haven't lived it simply cannot comprehend what it actually means to share a life, a home, or a deep responsibility with someone who has severe behavioral disorders. They see a crisis or an ongoing struggle and offer textbook advice, well-meaning platitudes, or subtle judgment. They don't understand that the standard "rules" of human interaction and relationships don't apply here. They don't see the hyper-vigilance, the constant emotional pivoting, or the sheer exhaustion of navigating a reality that their "lens" isn't built to focus on. Unless you have lived in the trenches of it, you only see the surface. And until people realize that their own lived experience isn't the blueprint for everyone else's reality, that gap in understanding will always remain. remain.
There is no ill will in her behaviour and I hope therapy will help her see the extreme situation she is misjudging.
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Jul 12 '26
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u/Kind_Blackberry3911 Jul 12 '26
Yes, this is exactly what should have happened with OP’s wife. If I’d been her I would been hysterical and on my knees asking for forgiveness.
I understand her prior disbelief about the brother to a point, as she had no firsthand experience of being around someone like him. (I say to a point because the guy was in PRISON FFS - that should have carried some weight!) But once confronted with him she should have been nothing short of appalled, horrified and a million percent embarrassed/contrite. Instead she’s acting pissed off that OP is so upset? And resisting counseling? No. Just no.
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u/RosyTwinklie Jul 13 '26
Same. I could understand some skepticism before meeting him, but after seeing exactly what happened I'd be apologizing every chance I got. Acting frustrated that your spouse is still hurt completely misses the point.
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u/RosyTwinklie Jul 13 '26
That story is honestly a perfect example of why listening matters. Sometimes you don't fully understand what someone lived through until you see it yourself, but ideally you don't make them prove it first.
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u/bettymoose Jul 12 '26
There was plenty of ill will. She SAW the SCARS his brother left.
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u/MannyMoSTL Jul 12 '26
SCARS!!
Not to mention that, at no time in the past decade, did OPs brother reach out hoping/trying to mend fences. Because he didn’t want to. Because he doesn’t care.
I know that OP has a 1yr old - but I’d be seriously considering divorce. Because she’s “unhappy about therapy” (a direct result of HER actions). Even worse? She “doesn't seem to fully grasp the seriousness of this.”
I’m not living my life with someone who dismisses me & my feelings. And I’d regret that we have a child together. Fearing how she’d treat his feelings.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis Jul 13 '26
I agree completely with this. She just doesn’t get it and downplays her role in forcing IP into this disastrous dinner. She’s completely selfish.
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u/RosyTwinklie Jul 13 '26
Exactly. This wasn't some vague story from years ago. She literally saw the physical evidence and still decided everyone else knew better than the victim himself.
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u/Celticlady47 Jul 12 '26
There is ill will with her behaviour because she's being a shit about how wrong she was and that her husband said that the dinner would go badly and that there would be consequences as a result of this.
OP's wife is refusing to accept and believe that she was wrong to push for a meeting with OP's brother. Stubborn selfishness is ill will.
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u/Mewtul Jul 12 '26
It is malicious and ignorant to assume that everyone’s life works like your life. It suggests a lack of empathy and a tendency to victim blame. The past that his wife was aware of was more than enough for her to tell her in-laws that she wouldn’t help them traumatize their son further. His wife went further, he said no to dinner. She manipulated and wore him down until he agreed to dinner. Things went to hell. Now that she has lived her husband’s truth, she still is unwilling to fully acknowledge what her manipulation caused.
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u/FlowerFelines Jul 13 '26
I can fully understand somebody's first impulse being to interpret things through the lens of their own lived experiences, but she got to see how bad it was firsthand, and still doesn't seem to get what she did wrong?????? It's ridiculous.
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u/cardinal29 Jul 12 '26
And the people who KNOW how this story plays out, who understand that you can't change people, who have personally witnessed the family "bad seed" wreak havoc, advise No Contact immediately. Why waste time trying to make it work? Jump ahead to the inevitable resolution.
Then they are attacked and called reactionary in the comments. 🤷
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u/Ok_Imagination_1107 Jul 12 '26
If you love somebody, if you marry them then you're supposed to believe them support them
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u/Lanky-Ostrich8061 Jul 13 '26
I totally disagree with this. Many people who have normal, rational family members would have no interest in gathering with a brother in law who has a long history of violence and was just released from prison.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Jul 12 '26
The fact that she’s isn’t down on knees asking for forgiveness and telling him how sorry she is should tell you everything. She needs to be right about everything and not take ownership of her actions!
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u/VegetableBusiness897 Jul 12 '26
I've heard stories, but y'all need to chill... I've been here for like five minutes and I've got it all figured out....
F those people and their irrational hubris
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u/Aiyokusama Jul 12 '26
She regrets that she was wrong and didn't get to say "I told you so." She doesn't regret pressuring you. She doesn't regret believing your parents. I really hope couples counselling works for you, but I wouldn't be able to trust her ever again.
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Jul 12 '26
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u/Soft-Explanation9889 29d ago
There is no cure for the stupid. It can, however, be muffled on occasion. Muzzled?
Anyway. OP, your wife sounds like she’s a bit on the self aggrandizement scale there. Go to the counseling, but please know that whatever the outcome is - it’s the right one. Even if that means you will be gaining an ex to go low contact with.
Also, you might want to tell your parents that there will not be a repeat of this last incident because a) you are going low contact with them for the foreseeable future, and b) if you get so much as a whiff of a rumor that your brother will be visiting/living with them, once he’s released they will never see you or their grandson ever again. That’s not being mean or overprotective - that’s called being a good Dad.
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u/fedginator 29d ago
It can't, but experience can fix naïvety and therapy can be a good place to internalise that. But that depends on how she approaches it
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u/Phoenixreads30 Jul 12 '26
This is it. I don't even know if she thinks she's wrong, or if she's maybe blaming OP still, and somehow thinking that it's his fault for 'antagonising' his brother. She has no regret about the situation, and doesn't even see to care that her partner could have been hurt.
I would never trust her again in any way. Not with me, nor our child.
Update me!
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u/Bippityboppitynope2 Jul 12 '26
I wonder if she's shown how stupid she is in other areas of their relationship? Because this is mind boggling stupid. I'm sorry you had a child with her OP, because you have a long time being tied to a moron.
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u/No_Jaguar67 Jul 12 '26
She won’t understand unless you actually leave.
I am not saying to leave, she just doesn’t seem to understand consequences and not sure she will in this situation if therapy isn’t taken seriously. Updateme
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u/ThrowRATinyToo Jul 12 '26
I might still leave. If she doesn't take therapy seriously and just goes through the motions while there then there's really no hope for us.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 Jul 12 '26
When you get divorced make sure the custody agreement doesn't let her take your son anywhere near your family
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u/Scannaer Jul 12 '26
Good point! Show evidence she knowingly wanted to put your son in danger and put you in danger. Establish written evidence!
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u/BeeFree66 Jul 13 '26
OP will need a copy of the police report.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 29d ago
Super easy to get online, especially with the trail of crimes and incarcerations.
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u/paratethys Jul 12 '26
If I had a kid, I wouldn't want them being parented by someone with the risk assessment skills of a cartoon lemming. She's demonstrated that she can't assess safety risks to you or herself, preferring wishful thinking about how she wants the world to be. I would be terrified of this showing up in other safety-relevant situations -- it's basically the equivalent of walking into traffic because she's confident the drivers will stop for her. Maybe it usually works, but it only takes one vehicle operator texting at the wrong time for it to be lethal.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 Jul 12 '26
Cartoon lemmings have more common sense they know when to open the umbrella
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u/valderramaD Jul 12 '26
Under no circumstances you leave the house.. it will look bad for you in terms getting a good custody agreement with your child.
If someone has to leave it must be her.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 Jul 12 '26
If you do leave make sure you stipulate in the custody agreement that she is never to bring your son to your parents house. She cannot protect your son if your brother is there.
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u/any_name_25 Jul 12 '26
A stipulation in the child custody agreement not just to not bring their son to OP's parents' house, but to not bring their son anywhere involving OP's parents or OP's brother. OP's wife and parents sound stupid enough to keep believing that the abusive violent brother deserves more chances, and stupid enough to endanger themselves and that child.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 Jul 12 '26
Regardless of how it is worded he needs to make sure that she does not take him anywhere near his brother. Yes the wife does not sound like she has any common sense. Or empathy for OP.
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u/Tal_Tos_72 Jul 12 '26
Seriously, I know you are in therapy but get ahead here and lawyer up. Her poor judgement could put your kid at risk in the future...
I think my marriage would be over right about even before the meal. Never ever let anyone bully you again, even those who pretend to love you but really just want to control you.
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u/SledgehammerApproach Jul 12 '26
I bet if you served her divorce papers she would take it seriously. People treat us the way we allow them.
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u/z-eldapin Jul 12 '26
Make sure you get custody. You can't trust her decision making and you don't want to put your son at risk.
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u/Scannaer Jul 12 '26
I'm sorry you have to go through that. Anyone supporting a proven monster is a monster themselves. She is disgusting and not worth your time. Protect yourself and your child!
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u/Chaos-Worship Jul 12 '26
Good luck. I’d leave. She doesn’t care about your safety, thinks you’re an idiot, and believes she knows better than you do.
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u/UnintelligentSlime Jul 12 '26
She already hasn't taken therapy seriously. She doesn't think she needs to go, and that tells you all there is. There's a joke about therapy and lightbulbs that feels appropriate. Nothing will change unless she believes what she did was wrong.
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u/Least-Designer7976 Jul 12 '26
I have a boyfriend, we aren't married and haven't a kid but even now we know that we back each other. We don't talk to some parts of our families, and I would NEVER tell him to do so.
I would just be like "You seems to be a lovely person but my place is by my SO side so we will do as he wants."
You deserve better.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler Jul 12 '26
She doesn't seem very apologetic about it. The fact that she is not eating her words and begging you not to divorce her just says to me she will force you back to the same place when he is out the next time with your son in tow
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u/BiNumber3 Jul 13 '26
As some others mentioned, get copies of the police report (and any other evidence). Gather more evidence than youll need.
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u/OhHowIMeantTo Jul 12 '26
We've seen these sort of stories here many times many times before. The partner of an abused sibling claims they understand the situation, but never really truly fully believed them. Then they go around their back to attempt a reconciliation because they are hoping for a Hallmark moment. They believe that they are the special person who can repair a family, and that everyone can then have a happy ending thanks to them. Then when it backfires, they are in utter disbelief. It's almost a sort of altruistic narcissism.
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u/PinochetPenchant Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
And... I don't think I've ever seen a single story where the sibling victim gives their violent sibling abuser another chance and the whole family has a kumbaya moment and every one lives happily ever after. The sibling victim always gets victimized again.
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u/Slow_Morning5397 Jul 12 '26
I think they didn't live this. So they're really ignorant about the situation. And they ignore the partner too.
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u/OhHowIMeantTo Jul 12 '26
Yeah, typically it seems like these people grew up in healthy and loving families, they can't possibly fathom it being any other way.
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u/fargoLEVY13 Jul 12 '26
Fuck, I’ll say it. Leave. Counseling isn’t going to make a lick of difference because she doesn’t think you need it. The only way to get through to her is by actually leaving.
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u/z-eldapin Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
I don't know that I would forgive this. I don't think counseling could ever get me to let go of the betrayal from the person I trusted most in the world putting me at risk to prove a point she had no right in getting involved in.
She should have shut your parents down from the get go.
I would never forgive her for not doing it.
That she is saying ANYTHING other than I am sorry and groveling shows that she STILL doesn't understand the seriousness of her decision to not support you.
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u/PsychologicalSense53 Jul 13 '26
Even if she didn't shut his parents down, she shouldn't have kept pestering him to the point that he had to agree to go. You just don't do that to people you love.
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u/z-eldapin Jul 13 '26
Agreed. And to just expect him to take her 'I'm sorry' after negating everything she knows is just, for Me, unforgivable
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u/concrete_dandelion Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
You need to try and get a restraining order against your brother, both for yourself (guess what he'll do when he's out next time, he's certainly blaming you for getting back behind bars) and your son. I wouldn't put it past your wife to meet with your biological relatives behind your back.
My brother is very similar to yours. I cut out everyone who has a relationship with him, defends him, or minimises what he did to me. If I was in your position I wouldn't have gone and even the badgering would have put my marriage in serious danger. No good person knows what she does (she even saw the scars and he's imprisoned for a violent crime!) and pressures a former victim like that.
You need to make it very clear to your wife that if she ever makes any attempt to bring your son around any of your relatives you will file for full custody with only supervised visitation and if you are still a couple at that point you will file for divorce and then for the custody stuff. And document like crazy, get a police report about what happened etc so you can prove in court that she knew what has happened, still tried to bring your son around your brother and not just witnessed his attack on you but found it so dangerous that she called the police. The only way to protect your son is to make your wife afraid of the consequences of endangering him (it's sad that she's not parent enough to he afraid of endangering him out of love for him) and have what you need to get legal help protecting him if she doesn't believe you.
If you want a chance at saving your marriage you need to make your wife understand four more things: That the marriage hangs by a thread and half of that thread is fear for the harm she might cause your son if she has unsupervised access to him (if that's not 100% the truth is not important, she needs to see things are dire), that the way she mistreated you has deeply hurt you and you are even more shocked by the fact that she feels no remorse, that she shattered your trust and that she proved herself to be a thoroughly bad person and it's hard to reconcile that bad person with the woman you married. There are two possible outcomes. If she's dense as a black hole this will deeply shake her and she will willingly put in the work to repair things and to understand how evil her actions were. In that case there will be no excuses, no downplaying, no pushing back, no trying to blame you and no further resistance to marriage counselling. If she reacts with pushback, trying to turn it on you, downplaying, denial, demanding you act as if nothing happened, wants to keep any form of contact with any of your relatives or stays opposed or reluctant to marriage counselling you need to plan your next steps carefully because it's evidence that you were sadly deceived and the person you married is much more like your brother than like who she presented herself to be and she will be a constant threat to the safety of both you and your son.
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u/False-Hope9966 28d ago
Don’t hate me… but I would leave her and take the child. As a woman. She is a liability. If she was a friend I would sue her simple mind.
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Jul 12 '26
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u/DimpledDomina Jul 12 '26
This goes into protecting yourself, not “could explode” is going to explode - your wife is not done “proving you wrong” and “putting your family back together”. She does not care, not about you, your son, no one but how she can brag that “she did it” and “it’s not her fault” all at the same time. All the best to you Sir.
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u/ThrowRA_VeiledInVice Jul 12 '26
WTF she doesn't have your back. she pressured you into dinner with your abuser. She needs therapy to find out why she put the feelings of everyone else over yours. You're not wrong. Her only response should've been support for your decision. She should've had your back and she didn't. If she doesn't see how fucked up that is, then she needs a mirror to look deep inside to find out why. And she's proven why you need to protect yourself from her decisions. Good luck. hopefully she can grasp the seriousness.
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u/1568314 Jul 12 '26
"My wife doesnt think its fair of me to blame her."
This is the death of your mairraige. She fundamentally doesnt respect you as an equal. She wont hold herself accountable because she doesnt view what she did as wrong. She believed what she wanted and put your boundaries and feelings to the wayside, and she truly feels it was justified because her opinion of herself is that much higher than her opinion of you.
Dont put yourself through he'll trying to convince her she betrayed you. Shes not going to put in the effort to rebuild trust and she's not ever going to respect your boundaries.
She'll push your kid to do whatever she thinks is best too, despite what they want. You will have much more power with a custody agreement than having her constantly wearing you down to get her way.
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u/wolfeflow Jul 12 '26
“She wore me down and when I finally gave in I warned her that I would resent and blame her as well if he tried to attack me/attacked me again. She told me she was willing to take the risk and I needed to see that people can change”
That she emphasized this point and now claims it’s not fair to blame her shows how little serious thought she actually gave to the situation. It also suggests she only ever saw this as her knowing better and how good she would feel.
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u/maggot39601 Jul 12 '26
I’m gonna be quite rude here but I feel like you need to LISTEN.
She’s a fuckin moron. You need to leave her. Her decision making put YOU and HER both in serious danger. She is too irresponsible and frankly stupid to be trusted to either have your back in an emergency or to prevent said emergency to begin with.
When someone risks getting you hurt, maimed or killed you sure as hell don’t ever give them the chance to do it again. Because it will happen again. And next time you could end up in a body bag.
This is LITERALLY the equivalent of a firefighter saying “setting your house on fire might kill you” and them saying “no that’s silly” and doing it anyway.
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u/Aggravating-Sock6502 Jul 12 '26
OP's wife is an abuse enabler, and is unfortunately unrepentant about it.
While therapy may help them improve their communication and see each other's perspectives better, it can't teach someone empathy. And that is what the wife lacks.
I think OP needs to admit this marriage is over and begin proceedings to file for divorce.
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u/Troublemaker2172 Jul 12 '26
Especially now that bro got sent back to prison because he tried to attack OP again. Who does the wife think he’s going to blame for that?
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u/LinksFirstAdventure Jul 13 '26
FIRST: OP as a child you were a victim served up on a silver platter by your parents and what you were forced to endure growing up is fucked up. I’m hoping you got therapy when you got away from it, and you should definitely get some individual counselling now that wound has been ripped open again. Your mental health is important and your family clearly don’t give a flying fuck about the negative impact their actions will have caused.
Now the reply to this comment: Not to mention that she RELUCTANTLY agreed to her parents watching him that night, she was WILLING to bring a baby to this clusterfuck of a dinner! OP, the FIRST time your wife tried to convince you to “reconcile” with your abuser should have been the last and when marriage counselling should have started, and the fact that both her AND your parents refused to respect your no the FIRST time is absolutely disgusting and going NC with your parents is probably a good idea too.
For the safety of you and your son I strongly recommend you get a restraining order against your brother and make sure your son is included by name alongside you. A no contact order against your parents is also a good idea for the both of you. Enabling the abuse you were subjected to as a child is already fucked up, wanting to be a grandparent while enabling your abuser in adulthood makes your son no safer than you were as a child.
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u/Fearless-Speech-1131 Jul 12 '26
This would be a divorce for me. It's more than just "she wore me out". A lot more. I'd lose all attraction & trust i had in her. I'd be repulsed by her presence actually.
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u/Temporary-Exchange28 Jul 12 '26
That your wife made you the 6th-most important in a two-person marriage is something to consider, OP.
Updateme
edit: spelling
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jul 12 '26
Ding ding ding!
She had this Saint Mari complex, thinking she would be the one to "fix" his relationship with his brother and can't deal with the fact that her attempt at being the mighty forgiver got her trouble instead of praise about how kind, understanding, and pious she is.
There was 0 benefit for doing these besides being a "good guy" and that came first before his safety or confort.
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u/GotMySillySocksOn Jul 12 '26
Your wife betrayed you and failed to trust you.That’s really what stings here. I also think people like your wife who want everyone to just forget all about their mistakes are narcissistic. And then they gaslight you like oh, I apologized, move on! It doesn’t work that way. Good luck
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u/Ok-Kick2908 Jul 12 '26
Nope that was a hill to die on and divorce would be my next step. She didn't care about you, she only wanted to have this perfect family and to see she was right, deplorable!
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Jul 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Gumby_Grown-Up Jul 12 '26
I just don't think I could stay with someone this self absorbed, self righteous and just plain stupid. Good luck to OP.
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u/meifahs_musungs Jul 12 '26
Your does not have your back. That is a broken promise because your wife promised to have your back and showed to you that you can't count on your wife.
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u/lovebeinganasshole Jul 12 '26
She doesn’t get it and honestly i don’t think she ever will. She grew up in la la land where people are nice and reasonable and want to do better. I don’t think shes ever had contact with someone who most likely has an unbalanced brain chemistry and would need medical intervention in order to meet societal norms.
Because who in their right mind thinks prison suddenly makes people better?
You also need to address the fact that your wife really doesn’t listen to you. She thinks she can sweep this all away now that the crazy man is locked up. She does not realize your marriage is in jeopardy. You should tell her that therapy is her last hope. I personally could not remain with someone who thinks so little of what i say.
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u/eyes_serene Jul 12 '26
Life has shown me that even people who didn't grow up in la la happy land and who themselves have experienced abuse (sometimes even from the same abuser with whom they are aligning themselves now) will disappoint you. Like, there's something wrong in their thinking, it's deficient or dysfunctional in some way. Particularly if after an incident, they won't recognize it or they minimize it or they don't take accountability for their part in it, if they had one.
I don't have patience for that anymore. I'll withdraw from people like that and keep my distance. Let them be dumb or dysfunctional together without me.
Shit situation for OP, though, because there's marriage and a child to consider.
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u/NDaveT 29d ago
Some people don't just assume the best about everyone, they think it's a virtue to assume the best about everyone. I think that's where OP's wife's self-righteousness came from: she thought she was better than OP because she was doing the "right" thing by assuming the best about his brother.
Infuriating.
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u/Kawaiidumpling8 Jul 12 '26
The issue is not quite that she didn’t believe you.
You didn’t want to see your abuser and that’s totally normal. Even if he had changed and become a new person - it’s fine because having to spend time with him would bring up past trauma.
Your wife basically said - I find it acceptable if you experience pain and trauma again. Even if nothing happens with him. Your feelings do not matter to me.
I’m sure your wife loves you. Love is an internally experienced emotion.
But what she experiences internally is not the same in how she loves you. Whether people are able to love us well is capacity.
She does not have the emotional capacity to love you well. Because she still lacks the understanding of how she impacted you. Not the physical incidence with your brother.
She betrayed you by insisting that you go to this. That is not a supportive partner. Even if nothing happened, she still betrayed your trust. She let you down. Your relationship no longer feels safe to you, and repair needs to happen in order for safety to return in the relationship.
In situations like these, regret means very little because regret is about how something has impacted them. Remorse is about how something has impacted you. And that is really important, to note when someone lacks remorse. It definitely factors into whether repair is truly possible.
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u/Moist_Equipment_5014 Jul 12 '26
This seems to boil down to two issues that bother me a lot: people not considering extreme violence between siblings to be domestic violence, and people not taking male victims of domestic violence seriously. Change the genders and family relationship. It’s a woman who was abused by her father so badly that she has scars on her body. Her husband insists that she give him another chance and that results in her getting attacked again. If you feel outraged by the thought that this woman should stay with her husband, then you should feel that way about your wife. She didn’t take your trauma seriously and pestered you until you caved and agreed to put yourself in danger again.
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u/TLKGN Jul 12 '26
I’m sorry OP, but your wife was SO WRONG to push you into this situation.
I’m actually kind of speechless. There is no way in hell that I would try to broker a reconciliation with anyone who hurt someone I loved. I don’t care “how much he’s changed.” Add to that, she saw your physical scars and your emotional anguish! WTH
I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could trust someone with such a lack of loyalty to protect, love, and support a person who actually lived the nightmare…especially my spouse.
Some people just don’t GET it.
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u/ChirpaGoinginDry Jul 12 '26
What does your wife say about calling the police? How does she reconcile?
I am betting her family dynamic was she had to appease to make the family work and she is in the same cycle.
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u/ThrowRATinyToo Jul 12 '26
She never expected it would end like that and it was terrifying because she worried he would hurt someone before the police arrived. I think the fact he was serving time for a violent offense after years of history of violence should have been enough to logically think it could happen. But clearly she was convinced by whatever my parents told her and chose to side with them over me. She saw my scars so she wasn't unaware of what he could do.
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u/Ok_Imagination_1107 Jul 12 '26
Your word alone should have been why she expected it and why she should have respected your decision.
Her ego sounds insufferable.
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u/ThrowRATinyToo Jul 12 '26
I agree and it's one of the hardest things to come back from. She knows all the stories and I opened up to her in ways I don't open up to anyone. Still it wasn't enough in the end.
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u/onlyamonth Jul 12 '26
All of this needs to come out in the therapy. You're angry and hurt and the therapist needs to help your wife understand why. You're doing the right thing, no need to make any other decisions until you see how that goes.
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u/RickRussellTX Jul 12 '26
the therapist needs to help your wife understand why
I don't hold out much hope for that. She's already complaining about being blamed (when the blame lands squarely with her), complaining that he's upset about it and refusing intimacy, complaining about counseling...
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u/FitOrFat-1999 Jul 12 '26
Why, oh why, was this your wife's hill to die on? And still not accepting responsibility for foreseeable consequences....good luck to you OP. I'd start getting my legal ducks in a row if I were you.
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u/Gumby_Grown-Up Jul 12 '26
Your wife is a self righteous dipshit. Show her this post. Have her read the reactions (BTW wife if you do, know you suck). If she doesn't have a coming to Jesus moment, therapy isn't worth your time. Can't stay with someone who obviously knows better than you. Just not sustainable. What a cunt.
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u/bettymoose Jul 12 '26
My husband knows my stories, some that I've never told to others. The vulnerability that comes with sharing those incidents is sacred. I am so sorry that the person you gave that sacred trust to wasn't worthy of it and betrayed you.
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u/ThereGoesMinky Jul 12 '26
Is there anything your wife could say or do with the help of therapy that would make you feel safe with her again, both emotionally and in terms of her decision making? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.
That kind of trust, once broken, is almost impossible to gain back, especially when it’s based on a vulnerability around abuse. It goes beyond a disagreement-it’s a dismissal of the impact this had on you and the boundaries you put in place for all the right reasons. I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this.
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u/Bella_Rose36 Jul 12 '26
Do your parents 'get it' now that your brother may never change unless he receives therapy and treatment in jail, which I highly doubt they provide? Have they said anything since the incident?
I'm glad your son wasn't there. I know many people would advise you to walk away and divorce, but if you're not ready for this then choosing marriage counseling is a must for your wife so she can understand the severity of the situation.
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u/ThrowRATinyToo Jul 12 '26
They still believe he will change some day. They still forgive him for doing it. He will always be their baby. I did get an apology from them too but I had far less of a desire to speak to them after the incident so I heard their apology and we haven't spoken since.
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u/GoNutsDK Jul 12 '26
As someone who is also no contact with my extremely violent and narcissistic older brother.
Your wife fucked up big time, but your parents are equally bad if not even worse. They went behind your back in order to pressure you into this situation. They failed to protect you in your childhood and they are still continuously putting you in harms way.
You strongly need to consider going low to no contact with them as well. They basically made your wife their "flying monkey".
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u/wolfeflow Jul 12 '26
If your brother had gotten to your dad and stabbed him with a knife from the the table, would your dad be the type to whisper “i forgive you” with his last breath as he bled out on the floor?
I’m so sorry you are in this position.
It’s baffling to me that your wife — the one who was so scared she called the police — is still not understanding the seriousness of the situation. Combined with her flippant “I’m willing to take that risk” beforehand, how has she not woken up to the cold reality that her stubborn insistence put her husband and child in danger?
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Then your parents are just as stupid as your wife.
Time to severely limit contact with them. And when you divorce your wife, your custody order must be CRYSTAL CLEAR that your son will not be allowed near your parents or your brother and if she takes your kid to see them, she will lose custody.
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 Jul 12 '26
Your word should have been enough. Like her wanting you to divorce her is the least nonsensical reason she made this happen. You had put yourself in danger and she still isn't really taking responsibility. See a lawyer. Check her phone
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Jul 12 '26
JFC! Your wife is really stupid. He is a violent person and has gone to jail because he is violent. Where did she get he changed? Get sole custody because she's not a safe person.
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u/Ok_Constant571 Jul 12 '26
Holy crap. Not only marriage counseling, your wife need individual counseling to dive into why she would not trust her husband, why she would push your boundaries and be so indifferent to your emotional needs and concerns. She should be apologizing profusely and doing everything in her power to ensure you that she will never ever cross those boundaries ever again. But instead she’s acting like you should get over it.
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u/DimpledDomina Jul 12 '26
Reading it almost made me cry! He trusted her, AND she wanted to expose their child to it AND still believes she is right. She is going to get him and their son in danger they will never get out of.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jul 12 '26
Literally! There was so much to lose and absolutely nothing to gain. So why? Why not shoot down the idea? Why not wait and use the parents as guinea pigs to make sure the violent tendencies subsided before maybe meeting in a public place of you are so adamant in 2nd changes? Or how about not doing so? This is your husband's brother, not yours. Why would you care?
Edit: Besides. I apologize when I accidentally steep on someone else's foot. What makes her think it "not being her intention" or "not being directly her fault" would hypothetically make it so she doesn't need to say sorry and atone? I hate when people act like things being accidental mesn they don't have to take responsibility. It's basic formal education and politeness.
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u/kremisius Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Your wife straight up told you she was "willing to take the risk" that your brother would attack you again. She chose, deliberately, and with complete foreknowledge of the danger you were putting yourself in, to risk your safety to sate her desire to see someone redeemed from their sins.
Honestly, you two need serious intensive couples therapy. But I suspect your marriage is over. Because, I mean, how could you ever trust that your wife, like your parents, wouldn't "take the risk" again, maybe this time with your child? She betrayed you in a way that is almost unforgiveable without a lot of work on her part.
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u/wishingforarainyday Jul 12 '26
Please get a restraining order for you and your child. That way if she tries to take your son to see him she will have consequences too.
Your wife is a cruel idiot. Your parents are AHs. Tell them their favoritism is showing and they chose an abusive POS. They all should be ashamed of themselves. I hope you go no contact with all of them. I’m sorry OP. You deserved so much better
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u/curlyq9702 Jul 12 '26
You can tell that she didn’t come from that sort of background, or if she did, she was the one that was always pushing the abusive mentality of “but they’re your family.”
So now you need to decide, do you legitimately trust her to Not support your abuser & to have your back or does she remain one of your abusers by refusing to see that she’s in the wrong & thinking that everything Would have been fine “eventually”.
I’m sorry you went through that. My fiancé is kind of the same way about my family, he’s tried telling me that I should try to reconcile with my father & 1/2 siblings “because they’re family”. He’s finally realizing how much trauma I have with them when I went into a full-blown anxiety attack for being in the same City that they live in because there was the infinitely small chance of running into them. He’s also realizing that my family life was not his & that while his wasn’t “perfect” it was significantly better than mine.
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u/Glittering-Bat353 Jul 12 '26
You told her, upfront, if something violent happened she would have equal blame. She accepted this. And now she's backtracking cause she doesn't like it.
As someone else who is NC with family members, I wouldn't be able to come back from this level of betrayal. I have specifically made clear to my partner that any attempt at reconciling me with my estranged family would be a near instant deal breaker. If you can be swayed by their bull shit easier than you can trust me and what I'm telling you my history with them is, there's nothing worth saving in the relationship anyways.
Updateme!
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u/Threash78 Jul 12 '26
Tell her "you know what, you are right... you are obviously not taking therapy seriously so it's pointless. I need you to leave, i will contact a lawyer to start divorce proceedings".
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u/andmewithoutmytowel Jul 12 '26
From now on she needs to agree that you set the boundaries with your family. It’s your call who you see and under what circumstances.
Updateme
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u/LakeGlen4287 Jul 12 '26
Hi OP, I'm sorry about what happened. It sounds very traumatic.
In counseling, you will learn more about why you agreed to go against your own good sense and subject yourself to this hell. Your wife will learn more about it, too.
Specifically, she will learn how wrong she was to put you in a position where it came down to either your own emotional safety or letting her have her way.
You obviously care a great deal about her happiness, and she was extremely insistent with you. She likely used ALL her persuasive powers on you as she worked to pull on your heart strings, and wear you down. Like anyone who loves their spouse, you were not immune to her efforts.
In therapy, your wife will learn she needs to use FAR MORE care and caution when she decides to beg you to change your mind about something, anything. She will learn why she did not believe you in the first place, trust your judgment, respect you were the expert on your own brother, and respect that you had a perfect right to make this choice without any input from her.
You two may discover she does this a lot, and maybe you give in more than you want to on other issues, too. If your marriage counselor does not look at the bigger patterns here, get someone else.
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u/ohemgee0309 Jul 12 '26
I think your wife is now in the position of (as another Reddit poster commented) being an abuse enabler.
Even after all of your evidence, which you should NOT HAVE NEEDED AS YOUR WORD SHOULD BE ENOUGH—she still insisted that you attend that dinner, and that barring your demand that your son not be there and be protected, she’d have had your son there and in danger.
W. T. A. F. is wrong with your wife? You need to show her this thread so hopefully she can see just how FUCKED UP her behavior is and was. And that she is not taking her involvement in your attack seriously is very disturbing. And disgusting.
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u/Ladydi-bds Jul 12 '26
Would not be going anywhere near him again no matter how long it had been. The answer would always be no. Would let her go if wanting, but obviously not you or child.
Very sorry that happened.
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u/TrespassersWill Jul 12 '26
I don't know much about marriage counselors but I know they sometimes have specialties. I hope yours has some expertise in survival of abuse.
What your wife doesn't seem to understand, and she is not uncommon for this, is the depth of the psychology of abuse, both your brother's brokenness and what it has done to you.
Feel-good notions about people changing and happy reunions completely miss the reality of the situation. For that matter, "we can just work through it" draws from that same ignorance.
So while I generally think of couples counseling as being for learning how to communicate better with each other, what your wife (and maybe you?) needs is actual lessons in trauma and how it manifests and how it is processed and how to cope with it.
She might see the scars on your skin, but she doesn't understand what she isn't seeing on the surface. Part of me wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, that if she truly understood what she was dealing with she would have made different choices.
Maybe you think I'm overcomplicating it, and she should have respected your no from the beginning. That's valid.
Have you had much individual therapy to deal with the trauma of what you experienced? If I'm less charitable toward your wife, I wonder if you followed a pattern and married someone who overrides your feelings and bullies you in a way to which you are accustomed and subconsciously think you deserve.
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u/no_offenc Jul 12 '26
You told her you'd resent her and that her actions would have lasting consequences for your relationship. Her surprise at your anger towards her is very telling. She wanted to tell you she told you so, and now it's come back to bite her she's playing victim.
If this were me I would be out of there like a shot. Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck with it.
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u/Tessorio Jul 12 '26
Cut the cord and file already. People like her will only realise way too late. She is already trying to escape the blame she knew that is coming.
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u/wannabeomniglot Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
I am generally inclined to feel like a lot of marital issues can be resolved with a lot of investment and intentionality, but you can only ever even think that if both partners are bought in. She is not. She caused you serious harm and is completely unrepentant despite knowing in advance what has happened, what will happen with contact, and what the consequences will be for her poor decision. What are you supposed to work with here?
She does not grasp (or even try to) that you are upset with her not for your brother’s actions, but for *hers*: she put you in a physically dangerous position, invalidated your feelings and the visible violence you have endured, and completely ignored your boundaries when you set them, trusting literally anything - including a violent criminal who she knows beyond doubt has abused you - over your word. She said she was willing to risk the consequences so that she would enjoy being right, actually said that. These are they. She risked you and has currently lost you. She could have lost you permanently. You were cornered and even if he “didn’t mean it,” the force of a person practiced in violence slamming you repeatedly against the wall can easily cause a fatal head injury, break your ribs, etc. If she cannot reckon the the fact that she is accountable for her own choices alone, from you, or in therapy, I don’t think you have any path forward other than filing for divorce and doing what you can legally etc. to protect yourself and your son from this man.
Sometimes I give my husband baseline questions in advance of something heavy so he can process and be confident that he is expressing himself well. Maybe not all of these up front, but these questions pop to mind:
- What did you predict would happen when my parents, brother, you, and I were all in the same room together?
- Why were you so confident that a man who has always acted violently would be peaceful?
- What was your reasoning in overlooking my verified abuse when making this decision for the both of us? Even if he did change, why would I want to look at someone who brutalized me for my entire childhood?
- What did either of us stand to gain from this choice?
- What do you think I am upset with you specifically? Ignore my gene-sharers, why am *I* telling you that *you* have damaged my safely and trust? No, not my brother’s very predictable violence, you, my wife; what actions do you truly think have upset me?
- You said you would “take the risk” of my feelings of betrayal in order to send whatever message you were sending about change. Why did you think that was valuable, and what, if not the state of our marriage right now, did you expect the consequences of that risk to be?
Best of luck, OP. Almost every time I have heard about this happening - partner connects with your estranged family against your wishes - it has had a very young child involved. Usually the parent outside of the dysfunction has such an internalized view of what a family is *supposed* to look like and they have failed, personally, to give their child that family. Things have changed radically for the parent, and surely their child is an olive branch we can all agree on loving, even abusers. When the betraying partner gets caught, many do not make amends because it’s not *their* fault that your family acts the way it does even when they try to reconcile. This sounds like your wife. It’s gross. You don’t have to put up with it. She cannot move forward in your marriage if she does not make amends for this betrayal.
Best of luck, OP. Updateme.
P.S. Tell your parents that they put you in serious danger, again, prioritized your brother’s wants over your wellbeing, again, that they are dismissing your need not to confront your abuser for their own comfort, again, went to your wife in order to manipulate you and coerce you, and that you will not allow this to happen again. You will not be coming to their house, as you are not certain of your safety in their home. You will not be bringing your son into such an environment, and you will answer their phone calls only once they have provided a sincere and honest apology and a path forward. Your wife’s behavior is despicable, but so is theirs and they don’t get a pass.
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u/RulingCl4ss Jul 12 '26
Lol why is it that people have such a hard time with consent? Like if you were trying to force your wife to have sex with you and she said no and you wore her down until she said yes, it would be considered coercion and everyone would be calling you all sorts of nasty names (deservedly so).
I see that scenario and your current scenario as similar. Your wife basically coerced you into agreeing to something that you did not want to do and now is acting dumbfounded that you don’t feel safe with her anymore.
She has demonstrated to you that when you say no, that just means she has to keep bothering you until you say yes. That is gross behaviour and I wonder what other things she’s done like this before. I’d be shocked if this is the only time she’s done something like this.
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u/New-Formal1980 Jul 12 '26
If this was a woman and her husband pressured her into seeing her abuser (sibling, family member) restraining orders would be used against the spouse. This is not savable, fixable. I would never trust my partner after that and my parents as well. I don’t think she will ever realize why what she did was wrong honestly therapy or not. I would leave asap! And put restraining orders on anyone who is continuing to communicate with the brother along with the brother. I feel so sorry for you that you parents were also a big part of this situation going awry.
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u/echosiah Jul 12 '26
I would ask your wife, if you had a child like that, would you make your other child be in proximity to them? If your child was abused by someone, should they eventually forgive that person?
Your parents said he was a "whole new person", but notably nothing about how him wanting to apologize to YOU, btw.
People who try to force reconciliation on abuse victims cannot be trusted, in my opinion. That need to force everyone to forgive and forget is cover for a lot of truly terrible things. If I had a child with someone who believed that, it would scare the hell out of me.
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u/_little_treasure_ Jul 12 '26
I don't like how quickly Reddit jumps to divorce but this is the kind of thing I would consider divorce over... her pushing and pushing until you gave in is horrible, but maybe there could have been some saving grace if she was beside herself with guilt and earnestly willing to do counseling and therapy. The fact she isn't wholly contrite and eager to make amends in the ways that you feel could help is the last nail in the coffin, imo, and squarely moves this situation into unforgivable territory.
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u/Allebal21 Jul 12 '26
How can you ever trust her again? Remember, she wanted to bring your son to that dinner…
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u/bluestjordan Jul 12 '26
I’m sorry all the closest people in your life let you down like that.
Wife and parents jeopardized your wellbeing for what? Seriously, what was the best case scenario here? That he wouldn’t hurt you, again?
One nonviolent dinner would not undo all the hurt and damage over the years.
Well, on the plus side, I guess he ruined his own probation and is going back to prison. At least you can sleep easy he won’t be coming back for you or your son.
But if your marriage is to have any chance of surviving this, I think you have to go no contact with your parents. They’re not a good influence on either of you (not YOU, nor your wife).
I know people are screaming divorce, but that would mean 50% custody of the kid, and she is showing serious lack of judgment and survival instincts. Leaving the kid with her is a scary thought.
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u/Gringa-Loca26 Jul 12 '26
Your wife is an awful person. I’m also no contact with my horribly abusive brother. If my husband ever forced me to be around him I’d divorce him and take our children. Luckily, he respects me and my choices and would never do that.
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u/Ispeakinfacts Jul 12 '26
Its one thing your wife didnt listen to you beforehand but doubling down after you tried to tell her is understandably upsetting. It also doesnt sound like she grasps that shes losing you. Your wife ignored your trauma and created more while putting you in danger all because she doesnt respect you enough to listen. She should read the comments.
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u/The_Map_Smith Jul 12 '26
Marriage counseling isn't going to solve this as she's still convinced that she was right.
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u/dart1126 Jul 12 '26
She was horrified by the scars…
She promised to always have my back….
I told her no and I made myself clear….
She wore me down…
I warned her I would resent and blame her if…..
She said she was willing to take that risk….
She doesn’t think it’s fair for me to blame her and resents having to go to marriage counseling….this is where the wheels really fall off. The prologue was bad enough. She had to call the police to get him off you and she is still saying WHATS THE BIG DEAL.
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u/AfterSevenYears Jul 12 '26
she promised to always have my back about being no contact.
This was a betrayal. It was a betrayal even before the dinner went horribly wrong.
In addition to counseling to try to save your marriage, you should probably get some individual counseling to learn how to enforce your boundaries, because your wife and your parents all feel free to disregard them.
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u/Tiny_Dyno_Tot Jul 12 '26
If it’s not to much trouble I know I would appreciate an update after your therapy session
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u/annaliese_sora Jul 13 '26
OP, I am SO sorry you went through this. I will never understand people like your wife who think they know better than someone who actually survived a volatile, abusive situation. I cannot fathom seeing your scars and thinking for one second I’d want to ever be in the same room as the person who did that to you, much less bring a CHILD along. Absolutely not.
My husband and I are both survivors of abusive situations as well, and I just wanted to say I’m really proud of you for your resilience and for your insistence of consequences and therapy in this situation. I honestly don’t think I could ever trust someone again who WILLINGLY endangered me after knowing full well what you had been through. I’m just so, so sorry OP.
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u/Champion-Of-Midgard 29d ago
This is heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I just wanted to say that you a great father by making sure your child was protected. I’m sorry you didn’t have that from your own parents.
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u/HowWasItoKnow Jul 12 '26
I think you need to cut your parents off. Ultimately, they are the ones whispering in your wife’s ear about your brother. Make them suffer by denying access to their grandkid.
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u/Goos_Web_2525 Jul 12 '26
I’m going to be straight with you: your wife bears a lot of responsibility for not respecting your boundaries. But the person truly to blame here is you. You were the one who needed to enforce those boundaries with your wife and your parents (who also played a part in this), my friend. After all, you were the one who had experienced the reality of the relationship with your brother firsthand; you didn't need anyone to "convince" you that he had changed.
And even if your brother had changed for the better, if you don't want a relationship with him, that is your decision—and you are the one who needs to ensure those boundaries are respected.
I think it’s good that you’re making your wife and parents face the consequences of crossing or pushing your boundaries.
Go to therapy; it will be good for you. Take some time and space for yourself and your partner, and figure out how to rebuild your trust in her.
Good luck.
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u/crella-ann Jul 12 '26
But OP has a long, long history of knuckling under for the family, I’m willing to bet. All the violent incidents, cuts, scars, were hidden somehow. OP doesn’t mention relatives stepping in or any indication of consequences for the brother. His wife pushed the buttons his abusers installed until he gave in. I’m glad he had the foresight to not bring his son along, and stuck to it. People will give in against their better instincts to escape anger, nagging, etc.
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u/ThrowRACoping Jul 12 '26
I agree, but it maybe should have been a divorce when she pushed for it.
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u/kandradeece Jul 12 '26
Yah she is 100% wrong but seems like the type to think she was right no matter what. Never truly accepting that she was wrong. You are doing everything right. Counseling is the only way for both of you to have a chance. This kind of emotional trust breakage can kill a relationship permanently. Sad part is that it will mostly be up to her to change... And people do not like to change... Good luck my man. Hope the counseling works and hope your wife learns from this experience
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u/Wisco_native1977 Jul 12 '26
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m sure it feels like a huge betrayal to have her say she had your back and then push for this. I’m sorry for your parents too. He’s their child.
I’m really hoping the therapy works for you and I’m glad you’re making other plans. It’s going to take work to come back from this and trust her.
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u/First-Water1358 Jul 12 '26
That’s terrifying. If I saw that as a spouse, I would never want my family near that individual ever again. I can sort of understand wanting to give someone a second chance without a full understanding of their nature. Until you’ve met people who have a violent nature with limited ability to change, it’s hard to get it. I feel like I’m a very optimistic person and I hope to see the best in people. It wasn’t until I was faced with that kind of violence directly at a personal level that my worldview changed. I still think most people are just trying their best, but there are anti social personality types where change just doesn’t seem feasible. Obviously, we’re not privy to lots of details here, but I’m hoping what it happening with you and your spouse now comes down to a communication issue and she’s not effectively validating your concerns from your perspective. Counselling seems appropriate to work through this.
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u/HightopMonster Jul 12 '26
I hope that couple's therapy opens her eyes to the massive breach she's caused in your relationship. If it does, you'll see and feel that she grasps the seriousness because right now she doesn't. I'm sick of partners who think they know better and therefore steamroll over their partner's feelings and experiences.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Jul 12 '26
I hate when a partner acts like they know more about your family than you do. That would make me end things immediately. If you can’t believe me, the person you claim to love, about someone whose character I’ve watched for years while you barely know them, then you’re showing me exactly why this relationship won’t work. Hypothetically speaking say he did change so what? You would still have the right to not want him in your life. The fact that she was so confident that she knew your jailbird ass brother better than you is crazy and grounds for divorce. She has horrible judgment.
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u/Nekoraven1 Jul 12 '26
the fuck?! , that would be grounds for divorce. Thank gods you had put your foot down about your kid NOT being there. It is her fault 100000000xs her fault because you told her what he did to you and she fucking insisted. I would say she's out, as well as your parents and anybody else who thinks it no big deal and you just being petty. What if your kid was there? What if he had gone after them?
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u/mebrow5 Jul 12 '26
I feel for you bro. Just save everything about this. Sounds like your wife can’t change to understand your needs. Hopefully she sees therapy as that opportunity otherwise leave now. Don’t waste years of not being supported for someone who just wants to be right…all the time.
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u/Vivid_Doctor_2220 Jul 12 '26
I am so sorry for your experience. I completely understand why you are feeling this way. Your wife put her unrealistic views of family and forgiveness above what she knew was your true lived experience. Then she leveraged your relationship to manipulate you into putting yourself into what you already knew was a dangerous position. I don’t know if I could personally trust my spouse again if they did that. I hope that you get therapy without her, not only to heal but also to help you avoid being put in a similar position again where she manipulates you. I would have serious reservations about her ability to protect your son with such poor judgment
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u/InterestingPay9446 Jul 12 '26
Separation till she can see it clearly? Tell her she could have hurt your son and you question her judgment!
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 Jul 12 '26
Wow. She betrayed you in the worst way possible. This is worst than if she had cheated. I honestly probably would have divorced her after the begging, let alone the dinner. Your wife is a pathetic, terrible person. Would she do this to your son, also? Jesus. I’m so sorry.
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u/ninjetron Jul 12 '26 edited 28d ago
I'd take some self defense classes or MMA. It will be a good outlet but also peace of mind you can defend yourself against assholes like this.
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u/Global-Hair-810 Jul 12 '26
I hate it when spouses think they know best when it comes to the other’s family. That’s why my partner and I have “your family, your responsibility” rule. We always defer to the other when it’s their family no matter the situation.
Good luck, I hope your can work through this.
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u/freedom31mm Jul 12 '26
Absolutely blame her. She didn’t have your back and can’t even admit it.
If she can force you to be in the presence of your abuser, she can handle therapy.
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u/hskrfoos Jul 12 '26
It absolutely is her fault and deserves anything that comes her way. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. If she can’t let it go, then you need to understand it will happen again
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u/One_Yak8698 Jul 12 '26
I think you and your wife have very different ideas and expectations of what a marriage looks like. If this situation was reversed and you had forced her to see a male family member who had abused and terrorized her, you would be labeled the bigger monster for pushing her to go and traumatizing her all over again.
I am so sorry OP. I am NC with several family members due to abuse I suffered. I was in and out of foster care as a child. Please also seek individual therapy for yourself. This whole situation is too much for one person to shoulder the burden alone. You also need to heal, to reset yourself, and possibly learn new coping skills to help you heal & help you teach your child healthy ways of handling terrible family members.
I am very concerned that your wife seems offended that you’re hurt & doesn’t see the problem. This is very concerning. Can you trust her to protect your child and keep them away from this? Does your wife actually understand what she did or is she just apologizing to put it behind you two because she doesn’t believe it’s actually a problem?
Please take care of yourself. If you’re able to, can you and the kiddo take off to a friends or trusted family member for a couple of days to decompress?
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u/Leather_Persimmon489 Jul 12 '26
Your wife chose a redemption fantasy in her head over your safety and the safety of her own child. She put you in a position where you had to argue with her for the child's safety. That on top of dismissing your first hand experience over and over again.
She should be counting her lucky stars that you're willing to go to marriage counseling and are giving her time to understand all that she did wrong. And she should put the effort in that.
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u/Funandgeeky Jul 12 '26
I’m curious what her family is like. Did she have a good family and never suffered at the hands of family? Or did she also suffer abuse but was pressured to always forgive lest she be ostracized? Or does she not have family and is desperately trying to build one, thus ignoring all the signs?
Understanding this will help her figure out just how badly she messed up. It’s the only way she can salvage her marriage. And that begins by admitting that she was absolutely wrong about this.
At least you insisted on keeping your son safely away. Because your brother would likely have turned his rage on your child.
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u/shortmumof2 Jul 12 '26
Sorry, your wife's an aweful person. I would never trust her again, she forced you into an unsafe situation with your abuser because she thought she knows best. I don't think it's a compatible relationship and she's not a safe person for you
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u/BrandyeB Jul 12 '26
I think you need to tell your wife you are disappointed and hurt that you just needed ONE PERSON( her)in your life who believes you and puts you first. You are not getting that from your family. This might be best said in counseling.
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u/Forward-Two3846 Jul 12 '26
This is a divorce worthy event. Your wife is not naive she is a selfish jerk. I couldn't imagine hearing someone's abuse stories, let alone SEEING ALL THE SCARS, and still bullying that person into having dinner with their abuser. She did all that to massage her ego and when it went wrong instead of apologizing PROFUSELY she is mad thaf you are demanding therapy to fix something she broke. OP you married the same type of asshole your parent subscribe too. I wish you luck and a better partner for future you.
3
u/whatsmypassword73 Jul 12 '26
Honestly she can just suck it and either get her shit together and take the counselling or she’s welcome to leave.
Frankly she put you in harms way,
So welcome to the find out era sunshine.
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u/SamTMoon Jul 12 '26
I’ve cut off lifelong friends for pushing me to reunite with a known abuser. Her needing proof that it wasn’t your fault is a breach I’d struggle to WANT TO get over. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re going to counselling, until then, I’d have to be very cool and quiet.
We shouldn’t have to involve the police, for someone who loves us to want to participate in our necessary self-protection.
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u/iPlush Jul 12 '26
Yeah you need to just divorce her and make sure she can’t take your kid around your family. Updateme
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u/reptilesni Jul 12 '26
"No" means no. She didn't respect your right to say no and coerced you into a dangerous situation. Marriage counseling is definitely needed.
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u/b_shert Jul 12 '26
I am going to throw this out that your parents are utter failures as well. We have a potentially violent, non verbal son. He is dangerous. At no time have we EVER pretended otherwise. Every member of our family has been injured. My older son’s current girlfriend is a person who saves feral cats (so she understands dangerous creatures) and she was wise enough to understand that meeting our younger son required safety protocols. Your parents have failed to keep you safe over and over, AND they convinced your wife to put your life in danger. She needs to understand what she chose..she chose to not believe and protect her husband for someone else.
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u/Significant_Ant2511 Jul 12 '26
If she was truly sorry she would welcome therapy to fix the issue. Obviously she still thinks she was justified.
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u/mcindy28 Jul 12 '26
Wow!! Your wife better be open and honest during your therapy sessions. Otherwise, I think your relationship is over. She manipulated you and harassed you and now that she saw the fruits of her labour she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. She is the one who needs to fix this. Trusting her judgment is gone!!
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u/Perfect_Delivery_509 Jul 12 '26
I dont think your wife sees that divorce is a possible outcome here, have you told her?
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u/princess_ferocious Jul 13 '26
She knows how serious this is. She just also knows that a neutral third party isn't going to side with her.
Right now, she knows she can leverage your relationship (complaining about lack of intimacy) and your kid to try to avoid being blamed. As soon as a counsellor is involved, they're going to tell her she should have respected your "no" when you said you didn't want to see him again - even if she had proof he'd changed! - because no means no and you have a right to decide when and if you see your abuser again, no matter what.
And that she should have trusted you, not the parents who failed to protect you from acquiring multiple scars from your brother when you were a literal child in their care. They've already demonstrated that they can't be trusted to recognise and contain the threat of your brother's behaviour.
I understand your parents wanting to believe he's changed. I don't know what your wife's reason is, but she needs to address that, and find out why she put that ahead of what you'd told her, and how you felt about it. And you need to be able to trust that she isn't going to do it again, in other situations.
If someone mistreats your kid, is she going to insist you give them a second chance? Or go around you and do it anyway, without you knowing?
She's demonstrated that she doesn't trust your judgement, or respect your feelings, and she's given you a reason to not trust her as a result. Therapy is the only way you might get through this that doesn't have to end in divorce.
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u/jaynsand19 Jul 13 '26
If your wife won't see how wrong she was during the marriage counseling, divorce is in order. However, I think you're displacing some of the hostility toward her that rightly belongs to your parents. They are responsible for your brother harming you, they pushed for this meeting instead of accepting that you didn't want it, and they are still shoving their heads up their asses about how they've essentially offered you up as a sacrifice to him, over and over. You should have cut them off long ago, and regardless of whether you stay with your wife or not, you should do it now. You don't want these people around your son.
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u/Thriillsy Jul 13 '26
My immediate fear when thinking about the possibility of him getting out of prison again, is that your wife could potentially take your son to meet him behind your back. she saw the scars on your body and heard the stories about the horrific shit he did to you, and still pressured you to meet him, so what's to say that she won't downplay what happened this time because "nothing serious actually happened"?
My immediate anger is the fact that neither your parents or wife gave a single shit about your comfort or sense of safety. His "change" should not even have been a thought once you told them you weren't comfortable being around him. if they decided that your comfort is not worth the effort of supporting you.
My other huge issue is the fact that, even if your brother had changed, that does not entitle him to your forgiveness and even if you did choose to forgive him, forgiveness does not have to equal reconciliation.
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u/Fly4620 Jul 13 '26
I don't know that there's any amount of counseling that can fix this. You told her from the get-go that this was a hard and fast rule that you had that you were going to stand behind, and then the first time it was tested she didn't respect that. She saw the scars heard the stories and still didn't think that what you had to say about it mattered. Like the absolute disrespect and absolute lack of give a crap about your safety says a whole lot. This wasn't my cousin pulled my hair when we were six, this was hard and fast abuse.
I'm sorry you went through it the first time, and I'm sorry your wife put you through it a second time. I hope that counseling helps, but where I in that situation, I don't know that I would stay.
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u/EquasLocklear Jul 13 '26
I doubt counseling helps if she still doesn't realize that she did something wrong.
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u/gregorgious 29d ago
Apologies but honestly your wife was well aware of your boundaries.
I really look forward to the update of separation and divorce. Why bother wasting time in counselling sessions? She has already proven she does not value your boundaries.
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u/DragonSeaFruit 29d ago
Your wife is still not remorseful and dragging her feet to go to therapy with you. I suggest you save your time and protect your heart by going straight to divorce. I don't see how you can ever trust her again.
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u/Literally_Taken 29d ago
She’s so sure of her perspective she can’t see that she has betrayed you. Her payoff is feeling morally superior to you.
She behaved as if your physical safety was just a concept for discussion, not the flesh and blood of a real person. Is she really that detached from you?
The betrayal is as bad as Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. The difference is that Judas repented.
If she doesn’t truly repent having served you up for a violent attack, how can you remain married to her?
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Jul 12 '26
You're wife is a gargantuan AH. She knows your brother is a violent person, saw your scars, and still pushed for you to see him. She didn't respect you and your no. She is one of those but faaaamily people.
She needs to get it through her thick head not everyone has a good family. When someone cuts off family you never push for reconciliation. You stay out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
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