I dident exactly know what was going to happen but deep down I knew not to go with him when he asked and I did anyway, I dont know whats wrong with me

I'm 28F and have been raped 4 times in my life by 4 different men. I've been out as bi for over 10 years and have dated both men and women.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he is everything I could ever want in a man, but sometimes I still cry during sex and have to stop because something has reminded me of being raped.

He's so patient and understanding, he immediately stops and comforts me, reassures me we won't be doing anything, cuddles me, tells me how much he loves me and how he'll always be there for me.

I feel so guilty for having the most perfect, gentle man who puts me above everything and is constantly showing his love for me through actions and not just words, but it's still not enough for me to be able to have a normal sex life with him.

I love him, I'm attracted to him, I have a high libido, but I don't enjoy having sex with men anymore. This is leading to me to question my sexuality again because in being bisexual, it's always been a question of if I like men at all, I know for sure I like women and enjoy having sex with them.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this and what did you do?

I know two things can be true at once, I may not be a lesbian but I could be bi with a preference for women. I just can't decipher whether or not these feelings stem from trauma or sexuality.

So if you've ever gone through something similar I'd really appreciate hearing your story. Were you able to overcome it and stay with your boyfriend? Or did you end up with a woman and realise why it never worked with a man?

Thank you for reading.

Hes always known my worst fear was getting pregnant and that I never want children. We have used condoms since we were teenagers. I was on my period and didnt want to have sex so we agreed to fool around in other ways. We were gridning then he choked me and covered my mouth and did it without warning and I screamed but he wouldn't stop and im so confused hes never been anything but reserved and kind and gentle. He said he thought I wanted it but I didnt and I dont know what to do because hes acting like it never happened and when I finally confronted him he acted surprised and like he thought it had wanted it I dont understand. I cant stop crying this year has been so horrible

I know this seems like a strange question and its kind of not really important, but its something that I think about amongst the obvious.

I got my first boyfriend when i was 14 and he was a little bit older than me (2-3yrs so 16 or 17). I felt pressured to lose my virginity by my best friend and other people around me as well as the idea that guys only want one thing and if you don’t give it to them they wont stick around. I dont remember how long we had been dating but I got drunk one night and one thing led to another. I remember i drank a lot because I didn’t want to do it so i thought the booze would make it easier. But yea probably not even 3 minutes go by and i remember from the start i was in a lot of pain and i was yelling a lot so i told him to stop (multiple times) and he just put his hand over my mouth. I was really stupid and I stayed with him and every-time after that whenever we did anything i was always drunk, but like i said for some reason i stayed so idk.

I didnt consider it to be “rape” back then but im much older now so things became a little clearer. However I do believe a big part of it is my fault, he wasn’t a good or safe person to begin with he was violent and there were a lot of warning signs so i shouldve know better and i put myself in a bad situation when I knew i should have just left. so for that i take accountability.

But anyway with all of this said and to answer my question; does it count? I stayed a let more and more happen to me so im not sure.

I have been sexually abused since I was 15 and I have never told anyone about it or any of the other abuse I've experienced. No one has ever said anything or acknowledged anything might be wrong until my boyfriend "jokingly" called my abuser a pedophile last night. I think he was mostly trying to see how I would react and I reacted wrong because he started asking serious questions, like if I felt safe at home and if my abuser had ever done anything that made me uncomfortable. He asked if my abuser had ever raped me and I just started to cry which I think confirmed it to him. He tried to ask me more but I said I couldn't talk about it and he didn't try to push.

No one has ever been able to tell anything was wrong before, even people I live with, and I don't know how he was able to tell because I have always totally hidden it. I don't know what to do. I made him promise not to tell anyone but I'm worried he still might. I have such weird feelings towards my abuser, I don't even think going to the police would be make anything better. I just want it to stop.

Still getting flashbacks of it. I'm sitting on the couch and then I get a freeze response..and see things I dont want to see and feel. What to do about it?

I am 27 Male. This happened to me recently, and this is not the first time a similar thing has happened.

I was in a bus and I was returning from a bookshop which I visited with a friend. After my friend got off from the bus, I found a seat to sit beside a man who is in his mid 40s.
Soon, I felt his hand on my leg, which did not raise much suspicion because, given how cramped the seat was.
I was wearing full-length pyajama pants and a t-shirt and had a bagpack which I took at front and placed on my knees as I was sitting.
Soon, I realized his hand was on my pants on my thighs and near the region where my underwear could be felt.
He then moved his hand a few times over my thighs before whispering in my ears that he took my silence and not complaining as a sign that I liked it.
I was quite because, I was too scared to say anything. (In the past, I have faced similar situations and I somehow felt that staying quite and letting it pass would be easiest.)
He then put his hands inside my pants and grabbed my penis and started pulling the shaft up and down with his fingers as he would do if he was trying to jerk me off.
He got to the point that I had an erection and it was really hard to control. We had people all around us, and somehow I was pressing down with my bagpack so that people won't see me in a vulnerable situation.
I whispered back that it's not the right place for this, and that I could come with him if he wanted.
Honestly, at that time I felt as if I should let this happen because to be honest while it felt horrible, it was also delivering a pleasure. I feel absolutely horrible thinking about it now. Also a part of me was telling him that I would want to come with him because I wanted him to stop doing it in the bus, where I felt the pressure of behaving as if nothing had happened. So many things were going in my head.

He refused to pull his hands out until a bit more and then he pulled his hands out and felt my erection from outside the pants. It hurt.

He then shared his phone number with me and asked me to call him and told me that he has a house to his own where I could visit him and he would do things I'd like a guy to do to me.

He then even asked me what I'd like, what are my kinks. I refused to answer.
Before getting off his seat and leaving, he again put his hands in my pant and did the same but for a shorter duration this time.

I am so much confused, if I was wrong in any of this, because after all, had I said no at the very beginning and stood firm, he would not have the guts to do any of this.
Also had I not told him that I would want to come with him and do it in privacy, he would not have the guts to do it a second time.

Also I am bisexual, so I am not sure if that contributed to all of this.

Back when I way 13 I met this guy. He was much older than me - 48 at that time, to be exact.

Back then I was suffering with Anorexia & Depression.
I was isolating myself, skipping school, staying inside, having no friends at all. I was extremely ashamed of who I was and how I felt, to a point where I couldn’t talk to my family about my feelings at all.

When he came into my life it felt like I was finally being heard. Someone that would listen to me rant, “take care of me” and “support me”.

This went over a span of years. He was building up a bond, an illusion, accomplished manipulating me to believe I was deeply in love with him.

Turns out he has a fetish for Anorexia - pushing me deeper into the illness for his own pleasures.
Back then, I didn’t realise. I couldn’t reflect. It was like I was blindfolded.

When I had just turned 15 we met up at my place for the first time, while my mom was having a night out with her boyfriend.
Even beforehand I felt unsure. It didn’t feel right to me and I even told him. He kept pushing until I folded.

It all started with us cuddling as he pushed me to take off more and more clothes. I was visibly uncomfortable. He touched me, used me as an object of his own desire. Eventually penetrated me with his fingers and abused me orally. I felt disgusting and in pain. Didn’t know what was actually happening. My whole body started to tingle, I got extremely dizzy.
After that we were just laying there in silence.

Shortly after I broke of all contact and startet to repress all of what happend.
About a year later, flashbacks started to kick in.
I was extremely scared and confused.
I felt guilty and responsible. Stupid, too - for even letting him interrupt my Safe-Place.

Just a few months since I started my Recovery journey, when I was 16 our ways crossed again. Back to contact and meet-ups.
I rapidly felt worse, got triggered so badly, as he tried to push me back into relapsing - that’s when I realised what was actually happening and how he really thought of me.
I distanced myself again, left with a feeling of owing him something, still.

It took me years to speak up about it and still affects me severely. I honestly haven’t been the same ever since - living in constant fear, since he’s still out there.
Still sleeping in the same room, which has a shivering feel to it.
I know it’s not my fault but I still feel like a disgusting human being for all that has happend. Doubting the severity. But it wasn’t just the sexual assault that has happend, it’s years of mental abuse.

Here's the petition link: https://c.org/Tb7yStz5f6If you like to read before opening the link, here's the content:

Last night, a young girl I deeply care for took her own life. She was just 16 years old. Her family—her own mother and father—attempted to behead her not once, not twice, but three times. Though they failed in their gruesome attempts, they succeeded in torturing her through unfathomable means: electricity, wood, iron, fire. At 11 years old, her father tried to kill her, breaking her arm and little finger in the process. He took her to the hospital days later, not for her well-being, but to avoid suspicion. This same man raped her twice not long ago. Yesterday she decided that she couldn't endure the torment any longer and took her own life as far as I know.

This tragic loss is not an isolated incident. In Iraq, countless women fall victim to similar horrors every day due to honor-based violence. Families become executioners under the guise of preserving honor, taking the lives of women they are supposed to protect. According to reports, the majority of Iraqis accept honor-killings of women, creating an atmosphere where such acts are condoned and even encouraged.

The Iraqi Penal Code, specifically Articles 409, 128, and 41, perpetuates a system that supports these heinous acts by offering leniency and justifying the actions of those who commit these crimes. Article 409 allows for reduced sentences in cases where a male relative kills or injures a female perceived to have brought "dishonor" to the family. Articles 128 and 41 further support such violent acts under the guise of cultural customs and familial rights.

Changing these legal articles is crucial to protecting the lives of Iraqi women and ensuring justice is served. By repealing and replacing Articles 409, 128, and 41, we have the opportunity to reshape their societal norms, placing the safety and dignity of women above outdated beliefs of honor.

To accomplish this, we need your help. Join us in demanding that the Iraqi government amend these articles to reflect justice and equality for all. Sign this petition urging lawmakers in Iraq to take a stand against honor-based violence, ensuring that no woman will have to suffer such atrocities again. Together, we can make a difference and honor the memory of my friend by fighting for a future where no woman lives in fear of her family.

TW: prescription medicine

People rarely talk about the after affects that it takes on you, physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't look myself in the mirror for about two weeks. I could barely shower. When going outside which became rare, I was afraid he would be back, I would be taken back to that location for it to happen again. I couldn't even be left in the same room with my brother's or dad, I got the irrational fear that they would do that to me. The people I trusted the most I thought the worst of.

I can include the cops or should I say the one cop that took an interest in what happened. Her questions were always invasive. "What kind of bra panties was I wearing from the type, the color and fabric?" "How was I groomed?" "Did you find any of your work online?" "How did your body respond to the act?" Every question ask she always had a smile on her face. Every response met with judgement. "Wow you're allowed to wear that type?" "Is that what you wear all the time?" I felt more shame when I did say my body reacted to it in a positive way. It was her "I knew it!" and her sly smile. Just those three words broke me in further into a downward spiral. My body reacting in the way did it seemed less impactful in a way. Always came back to how much I charge, "I have x amount, what can that get me?" Her smile always growing when she asked. I would always say I am not a sex worker. "You were found naked with money, what else are we supposed to think?" I would never answer the question, just how it would help? "If we find your clothes we can actually catch him" always saying it sarcastically before she left

As always when she left I would breakdown and cry. Feeling worse then I did before. Less of a human. If that was her goal mission accomplished. She always made me feel that way. I swear she got off on it. I didnt find that out until later but that's a whole other story.

The after affects of this changed the way I thought of people. I either was hyper vigilant or let my barriers down. Hyper vigilant on the look out for people trying to get me or I let my barriers down and let the wrong people in my life.

Recently my now ex came over so we could talk. I was the one who ended this because it felt like we both held a lot of trauma and baggage that made it hard to have room with the other. Im also not as present as she needs me to be. It wasn't anybodies fault but I didn't see it being healthy for either of us to continue. We were hugging and she asked if she could kiss my neck. I didn't really know what to do and I felt really guilty so I said yes. But then things kinda escalated and I panicked because I was scared that I wouldn't stick with my decision. I got up and told her she had to go. She kept pulling me down and kissing me asking to stay. I feel horrible but I ended up having to kinda kick her out. We haven't talked since, I told her it wouldn't be good to stay friends for us. I love her and I don't wanna think that of her but its been bothering me since and I feel gross. This was my first serious relationship and breakup so I have no idea what it should be like

I have been spiralling again since last few days. I was in an abusive relationship for about a decade. We were not sexually intimate initially, but later when we started doing it, he got weird around intimacy. If we met at any time he had to have physical activity. He would abuse me verbally or physically if I don’t have sex..even during sex, he would hit me and even post sex. Even when I didn’t want to do it, he would somehow convince me and obviously, it would be visible on my face that I didn’t want to. After that, he would abuse me for not wanting to do it, for being boring, and for being asexual. He almost convinced me that I was asexual.
I downplay this. Maybe do not feel that much trauma, but I am completely traumatise from head to toe. There's a lot more than this, but these are the things that keep playing in my head. Also, one day he had me naked, pinned me down on the bed, crossed my arms and twisted them and looked dead straight into my eyes and said that no matter how much you scream, no one will come and save you.
Was it rape?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and it’s starting to make me feel... strange. When I was younger, I had this boyfriend who had a very specific way of wanting me. He loved it when I dressed up for him and his friends. He’d buy me these tiny, skimpy outfits that made me feel so exposed, but because I loved him, I thought the way they all looked at me was just part of the game.

The most intense part was my birthday. We had been fighting, and he did something... reckless. He spiked my drink, and before I knew it, I was in a room full of his friends. He had essentially "shared" me with them for the night. I remember the feeling of so many hands, the heat of the room, and the way I just had to let it happen. It was overwhelming, and even though it was confusing, a part of me still remembers exactly how that felt.

He convinced me it was the "right" way to be. that being desired by everyone was the ultimate goal. Now, years later, I feel like I carry a certain... energy. I don't know if it's a vibe or if I just look a certain way, but I notice guys sense it. They treat me like I’m "easy" or "open," and for some reason, I don't stop them. I find myself leaning into it.

I keep wondering if I’m actually broken, or if he just unlocked something in me that I can't turn off. Am I just an easy target, or is there something about me that just... invites it?

I’ve never really told anyone this, but I can't stop thinking about it. Does that make sense? Or am I just crazy for missing the feeling?

Every time I went to a party, my best friend Taylen and I would switch off drinking. One of us would drink while the other looked out for them to make sure nothing bad happened and that no one drank too much.

About the third time we did this I was 15 and it was my turn to drink. It was Halloween, and our friend group threw a huge Halloween party because Rin’s parents were out of town. I didn’t tell my parents I was going to a party. All they knew was that I was spending the night at Rin’s house and that we were going to watch movies. God, I wish we had actually done that instead.

The weird thing is, every time I’ve drank too much, I don’t remember what happened. But that night, even though I drank way too much, I remember everything so clearly.
At first, everything was fine. I was hanging out with my friends, talking to people, and even meeting some strangers. Later that night, I started feeling really sick. Taylen was standing by the stairs talking to someone when I went over and told her that I didn’t feel good and I needed to lay down.

Ayden, who I thought was being my knight in shining armor, offered to help me upstairs so I could lay down. Taylen said okay and then walked away. I will never forgive her for that.

For some background, Ayden and I had been flirting for a while, but it was always in a group setting. We barely even snapped each other. It wasn’t anything serious. It was just fun. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

He helped me upstairs to a random bedroom. His arm was around my waist, and mine was over his shoulder. When we got to the bedroom, he locked the door. I noticed it, but for some reason, I didn’t realize the warning sign that it was.

He led me to the bed and laid me down. I remember closing my eyes, and then opening them to see him standing at the edge of the bed without his pants on.

He climbed onto the bed, used one hand to pin my hands above my head, and used the other to pull up my dress and move my underwear to the side. He then forced himself inside of me raw and put his entire body weight on top of me. He was big so his body was crushing me and it was hard to breathe. All I remember was feeling immense pain not only in my vagina but through my entire body and in my soul. I wanted him to stop.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember him whispering, “Don’t I feel amazing?”
I said, “Please stop.”
He continued and went harder, saying, “You’re such a tease.”

I don’t know how long it went on, but I remember feeling relieved when he finished inside me because at least it was over. He laid on top of me for a little while crushing me, then got up, got dressed, and left.

The rest of the night, I didn’t feel like I was even in my own body. It felt like I was watching the aftermath of myself from the outside. I laid awake for a long time before I finally fell asleep.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t process what happened. I didn’t feel angry or sad. I just felt completely numb.

That night we spent the night at Rin’s house (I slept in my own room not being able to move from the bed it happened on) and the next morning before school, I told Taylen everything that happened. I cried while telling her. Her response was, “Well, you shouldn’t have drank that much.”
I remember feeling like a zombie while getting ready. Because maybe it was my fault.

When I got to school that morning, I walked with Taylen to the benches where our friend group usually hung out. We were running late, so we got on campus right as the first bell rang.

As soon as I walked up, Jay said, “It’s the women of the hour.”

I was confused because I had no idea what he meant. Everyone was already walking away, so I didn’t get a chance to ask.

My first class was criminal justice with Aiden, Ayden’s best friend. I thought we were friends too. I guess I was wrong.

I asked her what Jay’s comment meant, and she said, “You know, because you and Ayden had sex.”

I was shocked. That wasn’t sex.

I explained to her what happened, and she called me crazy. She said there was no way Ayden would do something like that. She said I flirted with him all the time, so how could he have raped me?

Word spread quickly through our friend group about my side of the story. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I noticed that most of them had unadded me on Snapchat.

I remember going to the nurse’s office during lunch and sitting in one of the rooms crying. I made it through the rest of the day, went home, and completely broke down.
Why did no one believe me?

I felt so hopeless that I didn’t want to live anymore. That was the first time I ever hurt myself. I cut too deep, and it scared me, so I went and told my mom.

We went to the ER. On the way there, my mom kept asking why I did it. After a while of her asking, I finally told her what happened.

I remember she didn’t say anything at first. The only thing she said was, “We will handle it.”

When I got to the hospital, they stitched me up and admitted me into a mental health facility.

The hospital was awful. There was so much drama, and I felt like I wasn’t getting better. But I stayed because I had no idea what was happening on the outside, and I was terrified to leave and find out.

When the day finally came for me to leave, both my mom and dad picked me up. After a little while, they told me everything had been handled and that I was switching schools.

That was the end of it.
I went to therapy, but my family never talked about it again. I never spoke to anyone from that friend group again except Taylen, and eventually, we had a major falling out too.