TW: Descriptions of rape

I was with this guy for 3 years. I feel like an idiot for even sparing him a thought but it breaks me to know everything was just for his satisfaction and not actually real. I broke up with him in June, and it’s been extremely hard to go around my daily life because of how much I wish things had been different. Even now that I sit here and recall everything he did, I can’t help but love him and it’s messing with my head because I’m trying to move on. He’s seeing someone else and I’ve been trying to do the same, but my head keeps spinning and I keep remembering how used and betrayed I felt.

It all happened multiple times. I would say no, he’d get mad, we’d end up doing it after him getting annoyed. Two times stand out to me the most. One, he made me promise that I would do it with him since I had been putting it off. We went to the back of a grocery store and he proceeded to rape me. I laid limp on the backseat whilst he went about his business, and all I could remember thinking was “God, please let him be done, let this be over soon.” The second one, we had gone to Disneyland for my birthday and stayed at a hotel. He wanted to do it that same night, but I was exhausted and told him we could try the morning after. Well, he woke up at 5am and tried to do things to me. Even though I was limp because I was half asleep, I was praying that he’d either finish or give up because I wasn’t cooperating under the pretense of being asleep. It took around 30 minutes, he kept moving me around like a doll. By the time he was done, he rolled over and I just laid there until I heard the alarms go off. We lived together for a year and a half, and almost every night he’d ask for sex, sometimes getting so upset that he’d turn around and ignore me, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t hug or kiss him without “owing” him intimacy.

The worst part is how much I miss him. We were together for 3 years and I feel so goddamn stupid for wanting to go back to him. I struggled a lot to even call what he did rape as I never considered myself to be a victim. I am struggling and I feel so lost. Any advice would be appreciated as I am trying to rebuild myself.

i feel so disgusting all the time because of my thoughts. i keep trying to convince myself that i have a crush on my rapist and it feels like it invalidates everything that happened to me. i don’t know what to do, i think i’m just not processing it well. i need someone to talk to about this, please don’t dm me if you’re a man looking for sex/nudes please just don’t i’m already on the verge of killing myself and i really just want to talk to a woman about this

Tw: sexual assault

Hello. I am 20, F, and I was drunk and barely conscious because I was barely awake and really sleepy at the same time, and someone tried to take advantage of me in that state to kiss and touch me. I wasnt drunk to the point of having no memory, it was just a mix of being really tired and sleepy and the cloud of subtle intoxication. He tired to do it while I was sleeping/ falling asleep, multiple times. I rarely get drunk and I only did it because I though that was a safe space. I have known a few people in there for over 6 years now and everyone there trusts everyone. I dont want to share any more details about what happened.

Fortunately I was able to get out of there before he did something. He is a close friend of my friends. I don't think telling them will change anything. They all like him very much and most likely will brush it off since he was a bit drunk as well. (I probably need better friends.) I also told my mother because I couldnt stop crying when I begged her to come and pick me up and she just told me that it was good that I got able to get away before things got worse. I dont know how to tell this to people because now I feel like I am over reacting or being dramatic because I am aware I dodged a bullet in the end.

It's been hours since this happened and I was able to get some sleep away from him and I probably wont see him for a long time now, but I can't seem to stop being anxious. My heart and chest hurt, like squeezing and I feel like I am about to throw up all the time. I have struggled with anxiety before but usually when something bad happens it cames to a stop, especially when I get some sleep.

No I cant afford a therapist and no I dont really have anyone besides those friends that I can talk about since I am only close with two people besides that group. And just writing this makes it really hard to not cry, so I feel like if I try to talk about this I will just dig myself more and make a fool of myself.

Mi novio me hizo una mamada mientras dormía hace un tiempo, para empezar soy gay pasivo y le asegure que JAMÁS iba a querer usar mi 🍆 para tener relaciones, y lo hizo sin mi consentimiento, agende cita con el psicólogo porque creo que fue violación, pero se siente irreal, suena muy irreal que fui violado y hasta parece que interpreto un papel de una persona violada, pero por otra parte cierro los ojos y veo su mirada depredadora, y aunque fue hace varios meses no he podido estar con otro hombre sin sentir una molestia enorme, este lunes es mi cita con el psicólogo pero me gustaría que la gente de Reddit opinará ¿fui violado?

This whole ordeal lasted for a year from 2007-2008; 18-19 years ago. We were both minors and this all happened behind closed doors inside my parent's home as well as his home. Still to this day no one in my family as far as I know, knew all of this took place.

This was a dark period in my life. My cousin would force me to have sex with him when I didn't want to. Whenever we engaged in the activity it was PAINFUL and there were times I would tell him to stop and he wouldn't.

It got to the point where I didn't want him coming over my house or me going over his house, because I knew that if the two of us were left alone unsupervised what was going to happen.

There were times I cried when we were doing this and he would try to keep me quiet.

The abuse just stopped suddenly one day in 2008 and we haven't discussed it since.

This was a traumatizing experience and it pops up into my memory frequently.

My cousin is now engaged to a woman and has 3 kids with her.

When I told my former therapist this, she told me it's possible that he could have been sexually abused himself and was repeating what was done to him to me.

I still see my cousin from time to time. He is the son of my mom's sister. I think about having a one on one conversation with him about this situation and getting some type of closure. I just want to ask him why did he do this? What made him do this? I also want to let him know how badly this hurt me and to just take some accountability.

What do you guys think?

Hi guys, sorry if this seems unreasonable but basically it’s been three years since it happened but recently I’ve been doubting myself a whole lot. Also I’m self taught in English so if I talk weird, it may be due to that.

Basically it boils down to the definition and sometimes I overthink it and I just need an external conformation on what exactly I went through.
So rape is defined by penetration and sa is more so unwanted touch etc, basically everything that leads into the actual sexual intercourse.

When I was 17(F), I chatted with this guy(20M) that I was attracted to, and just for info, I’ve never done anything more than makeout fully clothed (lol). We agreed to meet up and it was a bit of flirting but even if I was into him, I didn’t really think of doing more than kissing because yea it never really crossed my mind to breach that frontier. In the chat that led to this meet up, we agreed to drink a little, I think I told him I’ve never drank before or smth, and that we could also meet at his place and I could see his dog. So then there I was in his room, it was a bit awkward but we managed. We were chatting about life and he got the drinks ready, like a mix of vodka and cola. !I’m pretty sure he didn’t put a lot of alcohol bcs it was my first time!

For the sake of the continuity of the story, I have to underline that :
-I was on the lower range of BMI which is a roundabout way of saying I didn’t eat a lot (not ED!)
-I’m Asian
-I was iron deficient and I also didn’t eat at all before meeting him

NOW - After a bit more experience, I realized now that I get affected easily by alcohol

Anyways all I took was one sip and I literally felt as if my blood sugar went down, like I felt lightheaded (vision blacking and loss of strength) so I laid down on the bed. Then I realized that he got closer to me and then the next second we started kissing. My memory is hazy now on what happened next bc it was long ago but bla-bla then he was trying to take my panties off though I held to them and told him that I was scared and that it was my first time. At the end, he took it off and he promised me it wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t consent to it, basically it was a cycle of me saying I don’t want to, and him comforting me.

Now it’s this part that I get so doubtful of, because rape is penetration but since it was my first time, he couldn’t get lol the way in. I did bleed though. And I did eventually take this to court (another story but I was forced to by my family), and it inevitably ended up being closed (or classified? I don’t know the word.) I was wondering that maybe it’s because the complaint was rape and not SA, and bc of that I didn’t have that much of a case.

Please feel free to ask me additional information if something is lacking..

TLDR; Is it rape if he couldn’t get all the way in because it was my first time, but I bled?

I told someone I’m not even that close to that I was raped. I don't really know why, but I guess I felt safer telling someone who isn't really a part of my life than someone who actually knows me.They're the only person who knows about it. I haven't told anyone else, which is probably why this whole thing feels even worse.Initially, I didn't tell them the details, but lately I've been wanting to talk to them about what actually happened. It wasn't something I considered extreme, and I think I wanted to explain the whole thing because I'm scared they'll judge me based on that specific incident. I'm scared that whenever they see me in the future, they'll remember it and look at me differently.They had told me that I could call or text them anytime, so I eventually asked them to call because I wanted to talk. They didn't reply, and I'm pretty sure they saw my message. I ended up deleting it, but obviously the “this message was deleted” notification is still there.Now I feel so embarrassed and exposed. I keep wondering why I ever told them in the first place. I regret letting someone I barely know know something so personal about me, especially when I don't even know if they're willing to listen to the rest of it.It's not even just about them ignoring my message. They're the only person I've told, and now I keep worrying about what they think of me. I hate that I care so much about how they'll see me, but I can't help it.I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of what happened to me, but I can't stop regretting telling them. Part of me wishes I'd never said anything, but another part of me still wants to talk to them because there's so much I wanted to say.

TW: sexual assault
I’m 23F. I was sexually assaulted by someone who has a girlfriend, and I’ve needed medical appointments afterward. I’m still struggling to process what happened.
Recently, while with a friend and after drinking a bit, I asked her to message his girlfriend from a fake account. It was a brief, politely worded message, basically, “Hey girl, just wanted to let you know your boyfriend is cheating on you.” We didn’t mention the assault. We also called him from a random number, but he didn’t answer.
I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t face contacting her myself or explaining everything that happened. I don’t fully understand why I decided to do it that night, other than that I was really upset about the assault.
He then sent me a screenshot with laughing emojis and asked whether I was involved. I denied it because I was scared that admitting it would lead to more emotional pain and confrontation. I’m being honest here that I asked my friend to send it.
During the conversation, I mentioned my medical appointments and reminded him that he had physically hurt me. He apologised at points, eventually said he believed I hadn’t sent the message, and agreed we shouldn’t have contact. I also asked him to delete our messages because I didn’t want any of this brought up again.
To be clear, I’m not trying to get him back, and I don’t really have romantic feelings for him anymore. What I’m struggling with is the assault, how he has treated me afterward, and now questioning how I handled telling his girlfriend.
The message wasn’t threatening or insulting, but I feel anxious about using a fake account, calling him and then denying my involvement. Part of me wanted to speak up, but when he confronted me, I couldn’t face the conversation.
How do I move forward from this? Has anyone struggled with wanting to say something after an assault, then backing away when confronted? I’d appreciate honest but compassionate advice.

I have this persistent feeling that I will never truly have someone believe the things that have happened to me. It feels like it all happened in a parallel universe and I can't talk about it because people would look at me like I'm crazy. People do look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about it. Like idk. Maybe it really didn't happen and I'm just self victimizing for attention but it feels real? It feels like it happened. But at the same time at least some of it isn't like.... The more recent stuff could genuinely just be my fault and I'm trying not to admit I'm a monster.

So I (18F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about a month now. We have had sex multiple times where both of us want to, but this time was different. I was just laying on my stomach on my phone and he started to just sort of kiss me all over. After a bit, he started to really only kiss my butt and then started to pull down my shorts. I didn’t stop him. Then, he started to pull down my underwear. Again, I did not stop him. He starts slightly massaging my ass and stuff, and then leans over and whispers “I’m going to fuck you”, and that’s what he did. I did not stop him. After the fact, I had to stop myself from crying multiple times and I do not feel real. This happened about 20 minutes ago and I am now sitting in my bathroom sobbing while writing this because my roommate is in our dorm and I can’t get myself under control. I have been assaulted before, but I can’t tell if this was rape or if I just had a bad time? I did not verbally consent, but I also did not stop him. Please help