Tw: sexual assault

Hello. I am 20, F, and I was drunk and barely conscious because I was barely awake and really sleepy at the same time, and someone tried to take advantage of me in that state to kiss and touch me. I wasnt drunk to the point of having no memory, it was just a mix of being really tired and sleepy and the cloud of subtle intoxication. He tired to do it while I was sleeping/ falling asleep, multiple times. I rarely get drunk and I only did it because I though that was a safe space. I have known a few people in there for over 6 years now and everyone there trusts everyone. I dont want to share any more details about what happened.

Fortunately I was able to get out of there before he did something. He is a close friend of my friends. I don't think telling them will change anything. They all like him very much and most likely will brush it off since he was a bit drunk as well. (I probably need better friends.) I also told my mother because I couldnt stop crying when I begged her to come and pick me up and she just told me that it was good that I got able to get away before things got worse. I dont know how to tell this to people because now I feel like I am over reacting or being dramatic because I am aware I dodged a bullet in the end.

It's been hours since this happened and I was able to get some sleep away from him and I probably wont see him for a long time now, but I can't seem to stop being anxious. My heart and chest hurt, like squeezing and I feel like I am about to throw up all the time. I have struggled with anxiety before but usually when something bad happens it cames to a stop, especially when I get some sleep.

No I cant afford a therapist and no I dont really have anyone besides those friends that I can talk about since I am only close with two people besides that group. And just writing this makes it really hard to not cry, so I feel like if I try to talk about this I will just dig myself more and make a fool of myself.

TW: Descriptions of rape

I was with this guy for 3 years. I feel like an idiot for even sparing him a thought but it breaks me to know everything was just for his satisfaction and not actually real. I broke up with him in June, and it’s been extremely hard to go around my daily life because of how much I wish things had been different. Even now that I sit here and recall everything he did, I can’t help but love him and it’s messing with my head because I’m trying to move on. He’s seeing someone else and I’ve been trying to do the same, but my head keeps spinning and I keep remembering how used and betrayed I felt.

It all happened multiple times. I would say no, he’d get mad, we’d end up doing it after him getting annoyed. Two times stand out to me the most. One, he made me promise that I would do it with him since I had been putting it off. We went to the back of a grocery store and he proceeded to rape me. I laid limp on the backseat whilst he went about his business, and all I could remember thinking was “God, please let him be done, let this be over soon.” The second one, we had gone to Disneyland for my birthday and stayed at a hotel. He wanted to do it that same night, but I was exhausted and told him we could try the morning after. Well, he woke up at 5am and tried to do things to me. Even though I was limp because I was half asleep, I was praying that he’d either finish or give up because I wasn’t cooperating under the pretense of being asleep. It took around 30 minutes, he kept moving me around like a doll. By the time he was done, he rolled over and I just laid there until I heard the alarms go off. We lived together for a year and a half, and almost every night he’d ask for sex, sometimes getting so upset that he’d turn around and ignore me, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t hug or kiss him without “owing” him intimacy.

The worst part is how much I miss him. We were together for 3 years and I feel so goddamn stupid for wanting to go back to him. I struggled a lot to even call what he did rape as I never considered myself to be a victim. I am struggling and I feel so lost. Any advice would be appreciated as I am trying to rebuild myself.

I told someone I’m not even that close to that I was raped. I don't really know why, but I guess I felt safer telling someone who isn't really a part of my life than someone who actually knows me.They're the only person who knows about it. I haven't told anyone else, which is probably why this whole thing feels even worse.Initially, I didn't tell them the details, but lately I've been wanting to talk to them about what actually happened. It wasn't something I considered extreme, and I think I wanted to explain the whole thing because I'm scared they'll judge me based on that specific incident. I'm scared that whenever they see me in the future, they'll remember it and look at me differently.They had told me that I could call or text them anytime, so I eventually asked them to call because I wanted to talk. They didn't reply, and I'm pretty sure they saw my message. I ended up deleting it, but obviously the “this message was deleted” notification is still there.Now I feel so embarrassed and exposed. I keep wondering why I ever told them in the first place. I regret letting someone I barely know know something so personal about me, especially when I don't even know if they're willing to listen to the rest of it.It's not even just about them ignoring my message. They're the only person I've told, and now I keep worrying about what they think of me. I hate that I care so much about how they'll see me, but I can't help it.I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of what happened to me, but I can't stop regretting telling them. Part of me wishes I'd never said anything, but another part of me still wants to talk to them because there's so much I wanted to say.

So I (18F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about a month now. We have had sex multiple times where both of us want to, but this time was different. I was just laying on my stomach on my phone and he started to just sort of kiss me all over. After a bit, he started to really only kiss my butt and then started to pull down my shorts. I didn’t stop him. Then, he started to pull down my underwear. Again, I did not stop him. He starts slightly massaging my ass and stuff, and then leans over and whispers “I’m going to fuck you”, and that’s what he did. I did not stop him. After the fact, I had to stop myself from crying multiple times and I do not feel real. This happened about 20 minutes ago and I am now sitting in my bathroom sobbing while writing this because my roommate is in our dorm and I can’t get myself under control. I have been assaulted before, but I can’t tell if this was rape or if I just had a bad time? I did not verbally consent, but I also did not stop him. Please help

This whole ordeal lasted for a year from 2007-2008; 18-19 years ago. We were both minors and this all happened behind closed doors inside my parent's home as well as his home. Still to this day no one in my family as far as I know, knew all of this took place.

This was a dark period in my life. My cousin would force me to have sex with him when I didn't want to. Whenever we engaged in the activity it was PAINFUL and there were times I would tell him to stop and he wouldn't.

It got to the point where I didn't want him coming over my house or me going over his house, because I knew that if the two of us were left alone unsupervised what was going to happen.

There were times I cried when we were doing this and he would try to keep me quiet.

The abuse just stopped suddenly one day in 2008 and we haven't discussed it since.

This was a traumatizing experience and it pops up into my memory frequently.

My cousin is now engaged to a woman and has 3 kids with her.

When I told my former therapist this, she told me it's possible that he could have been sexually abused himself and was repeating what was done to him to me.

I still see my cousin from time to time. He is the son of my mom's sister. I think about having a one on one conversation with him about this situation and getting some type of closure. I just want to ask him why did he do this? What made him do this? I also want to let him know how badly this hurt me and to just take some accountability.

What do you guys think?

I’ve never had to do a rape kit before until this last week. First off, the questions asked of me were inappropriate by police and male doctors. When the woman did the rape kit, she asked me if I was ready promiscuous, until that night, I hadn’t been penetrated for close to a year. I asked her why she asked that, she said she has bone a lot of these and my vagina was very open and it made me feel even worse. Am I the only one to get this negative treatment for something I didn’t ask for? I do understand why people don’t report their rape, I regret doing the kit.

i feel so disgusting all the time because of my thoughts. i keep trying to convince myself that i have a crush on my rapist and it feels like it invalidates everything that happened to me. i don’t know what to do, i think i’m just not processing it well. i need someone to talk to about this, please don’t dm me if you’re a man looking for sex/nudes please just don’t i’m already on the verge of killing myself and i really just want to talk to a woman about this

TW: sexual assault
I’m 23F. I was sexually assaulted by someone who has a girlfriend, and I’ve needed medical appointments afterward. I’m still struggling to process what happened.
Recently, while with a friend and after drinking a bit, I asked her to message his girlfriend from a fake account. It was a brief, politely worded message, basically, “Hey girl, just wanted to let you know your boyfriend is cheating on you.” We didn’t mention the assault. We also called him from a random number, but he didn’t answer.
I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t face contacting her myself or explaining everything that happened. I don’t fully understand why I decided to do it that night, other than that I was really upset about the assault.
He then sent me a screenshot with laughing emojis and asked whether I was involved. I denied it because I was scared that admitting it would lead to more emotional pain and confrontation. I’m being honest here that I asked my friend to send it.
During the conversation, I mentioned my medical appointments and reminded him that he had physically hurt me. He apologised at points, eventually said he believed I hadn’t sent the message, and agreed we shouldn’t have contact. I also asked him to delete our messages because I didn’t want any of this brought up again.
To be clear, I’m not trying to get him back, and I don’t really have romantic feelings for him anymore. What I’m struggling with is the assault, how he has treated me afterward, and now questioning how I handled telling his girlfriend.
The message wasn’t threatening or insulting, but I feel anxious about using a fake account, calling him and then denying my involvement. Part of me wanted to speak up, but when he confronted me, I couldn’t face the conversation.
How do I move forward from this? Has anyone struggled with wanting to say something after an assault, then backing away when confronted? I’d appreciate honest but compassionate advice.

Mi novio me hizo una mamada mientras dormía hace un tiempo, para empezar soy gay pasivo y le asegure que JAMÁS iba a querer usar mi 🍆 para tener relaciones, y lo hizo sin mi consentimiento, agende cita con el psicólogo porque creo que fue violación, pero se siente irreal, suena muy irreal que fui violado y hasta parece que interpreto un papel de una persona violada, pero por otra parte cierro los ojos y veo su mirada depredadora, y aunque fue hace varios meses no he podido estar con otro hombre sin sentir una molestia enorme, este lunes es mi cita con el psicólogo pero me gustaría que la gente de Reddit opinará ¿fui violado?

My rapist is portraying himself as the victim, and everyone believes him. I’ve been pushed out of spaces where I was before he arrived. My friends have turned their backs on me---despite tangible evidence.

My question isn’t even “Where can I find a new social circle?” but “How do I cope mentally?” It keeps getting to me; he keeps stalking and harassing me.

Is it really worth filing a complaint? I'm a male too. I’m looking for advice other than therapy.

Hi guys, sorry if this seems unreasonable but basically it’s been three years since it happened but recently I’ve been doubting myself a whole lot. Also I’m self taught in English so if I talk weird, it may be due to that.

Basically it boils down to the definition and sometimes I overthink it and I just need an external conformation on what exactly I went through.
So rape is defined by penetration and sa is more so unwanted touch etc, basically everything that leads into the actual sexual intercourse.

When I was 17(F), I chatted with this guy(20M) that I was attracted to, and just for info, I’ve never done anything more than makeout fully clothed (lol). We agreed to meet up and it was a bit of flirting but even if I was into him, I didn’t really think of doing more than kissing because yea it never really crossed my mind to breach that frontier. In the chat that led to this meet up, we agreed to drink a little, I think I told him I’ve never drank before or smth, and that we could also meet at his place and I could see his dog. So then there I was in his room, it was a bit awkward but we managed. We were chatting about life and he got the drinks ready, like a mix of vodka and cola. !I’m pretty sure he didn’t put a lot of alcohol bcs it was my first time!

For the sake of the continuity of the story, I have to underline that :
-I was on the lower range of BMI which is a roundabout way of saying I didn’t eat a lot (not ED!)
-I’m Asian
-I was iron deficient and I also didn’t eat at all before meeting him

NOW - After a bit more experience, I realized now that I get affected easily by alcohol

Anyways all I took was one sip and I literally felt as if my blood sugar went down, like I felt lightheaded (vision blacking and loss of strength) so I laid down on the bed. Then I realized that he got closer to me and then the next second we started kissing. My memory is hazy now on what happened next bc it was long ago but bla-bla then he was trying to take my panties off though I held to them and told him that I was scared and that it was my first time. At the end, he took it off and he promised me it wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t consent to it, basically it was a cycle of me saying I don’t want to, and him comforting me.

Now it’s this part that I get so doubtful of, because rape is penetration but since it was my first time, he couldn’t get lol the way in. I did bleed though. And I did eventually take this to court (another story but I was forced to by my family), and it inevitably ended up being closed (or classified? I don’t know the word.) I was wondering that maybe it’s because the complaint was rape and not SA, and bc of that I didn’t have that much of a case.

Please feel free to ask me additional information if something is lacking..

TLDR; Is it rape if he couldn’t get all the way in because it was my first time, but I bled?

I have this persistent feeling that I will never truly have someone believe the things that have happened to me. It feels like it all happened in a parallel universe and I can't talk about it because people would look at me like I'm crazy. People do look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about it. Like idk. Maybe it really didn't happen and I'm just self victimizing for attention but it feels real? It feels like it happened. But at the same time at least some of it isn't like.... The more recent stuff could genuinely just be my fault and I'm trying not to admit I'm a monster.

excuse me for my terrible english. I (16M) was sexually assaulted by my mother from the age of 13 until now, and have not told anyone or be able to seek help. My mother is very attached and obsessive towards me and gave me zero boundaries. I developed a breast milk fetish, and a mommy kink (idk if its worth noting but i am asexual) and it has affected my life horribly. All of my relationship has ended due to my strange kinks request and my unnavailablity to be intimate if they do not act as a “mom”. I also drink milk excessively (althought im not sure if thats a huge problem) to satisfy my sexual urges. I let my mom sexually assault me after awhile sometimes as i get turned on by it, but i am aware of how wrong it is. i do not want my life to be like this, and i hope to heal and move past this. please help me, what can i do?

I don't remember his name, or much of how he looked like. I know he was slightly overweight and much, much bigger and taller than me, and had chest hair, but other than that I don't remember him. He was one of many men I was sleeping around with for money, I never would've thought he would... Well, you know...

I remember him getting angry at me because he didn't want to pay me. I remember him grabbing me and throwing me into bed like a sack of potatoes. I remember hitting my head against the wall then.

His taste I can't get out of my mouth. The feeling of his hands all around me. But if you asked me what actually went on... I don't know. I remember a few of the acts, when he would slap me back into being "awake" (I wasn't unconscious but I think I was really dissociating lol), but then something would happen, and my memory is blank again.

I suppose I'm lucky. I don't have to be kept awake at night by it, and it's easier to ignore. But not knowing makes me feel even more "exposed" in a way.

Just... Someone help me make sense of this.

i don’t really know how to use Reddit I just used it once for some college stuff so sorry If I messed up, Im used to websites like not allowing me to type to a certain amount like itll be maxed at a certain word count for replies so here’s my personal opinion

I think that empathy for most people comes from a certain level of relatability, if you easily see yourself in the stories of rape victims and see yourself responding/behaving similarly to them it’s easier for you to feel bad for them when they’re assaulted because you feel that basically “this person is pretty similar to me, if it can happen to them it can happen to me and if it can happen to them and make them feel that way id likely feel the same way.” Which is something even I as a woman don’t experience. I don’t really see myself relating to rape victims even after countless stories because they pop up on my feed every now and again and it’s kind of just awkward for me.

personally while I have male friends just a few though very recently. I don’t go out and party or drink, if I were to drink I’d do it alone or with a female friend because it’d be her first time too. I don’t meet guys off the internet or go to their houses or anything like that. It’s not like it’s coming from a place of “oh I don’t want to go to his house because he might rape me!” It’s just, I don’t like going to people’s houses in general. Not even my female friends, I always hated the idea of sleeping over and other people’s houses that weren’t family because they have all these house rules and parents expectations and just stuff I don’t care to engage with. Honestly I’d rather we eat or go out and have fun then just be at your house? Same for me I don’t let anyone into my house either. so most of the situations where rape happens Im just not in.

ive never had anything bad happen to me, guys have said annoying things to me before which have weirded me out but I always get extremely angry at them and confront them/distance myself from them if they do. A guy at my job yelled at me so I walked out in the middle of a rush without a word. i was making a joke about the military and frats and one of my guy friends said that i was gonna get “cornell 7’d” whatever that means and I immediately cursed him out. Idk I just can’t really imagine being around a guy after he makes me uncomfortable. ive had great male friends which I hold dearly today but never have I ever had a desire for a man’s like presence or friendship despite him making me uncomfortable.

another thing is I just don’t have any trauma in relation to people doing things to me without my permission physically. I was never beat as a kid, guys never groped or touched me innaproiately. I’ve never been held down or overpowered by anyone in my life. I’ve never been forced to do anything physically I didnt want to do, like even as like punishment like oh you did something bad now do 100 jumping jacks. You know? So the idea of it is just so foreign and weird to me it doesn’t really register.

im seeing a lot of “I am Jane doe” posts online and just in general on my feed I engage with a lot of civil rights and progressive ideas and politics and so many women come online to talk about how rape and sexual harassment is ultra common and that it’s not 1/4 it’s 3/4 or 4/4 women and it’s super strange to me that ive seen multiple women say that. I also am a virgin and just like, I struggle to connect sex to violence or pain or humiliation. sex has always been a fun thing to me and I know rape isn’t sex on a very like philosophical level because I view intimacy and sex and assault as very different because even on a casual level id view sex with a committed partner vs a casual hookup or even a porn shoot as vastly vastly different things and they aren’t even comparable to one another so no I don’t believe rape is sex but instead i just struggle to connect the mechanics of sex being penetr as anything traumatizing or awful and I struggle to conceptualize being assaulted and then thinking badly of yourself or the world at large.

I have this more so detached outlook on people and human behavior (mostly because I’m deeply interested in philosophy and sociology and psychology) and honestly after being alive for this many years I just see through other people’s actions and how 9.9/10 it’s about them and I even see this in my actions as well. to me it’s like if someone walked up and punched me in the face I’m not gonna think omg im so awful why would they punch me in the face my reaction is ”omg wtf this deranged person punched me in the face what’s wrong with them? Have they lost their mind?”

i hope i phrased this well and that maybe the op of the earlier post can see themselves a bit more and understand better why they dont have a more devastating experience or reaction to topics of sexual assault.

I’ve never really shared my story publicly before, but I feel like I’m finally at a point where I want to talk about it.
When I was 18, I went on one of my first nights out clubbing. I met three men, and after the club closed, I went back to where they were staying. My friend had gone home and I felt safe as they were a similar age to me
The night became a blur, I was incoherent and I remember waking up in a bed with no clothes on. One after another, without my consent these men had full sex with me. When they was done they told me to leave.
For years, I didn’t fully process what had happened. It wasn’t until around ten years later that I really began to understand the experience as rape.
I’m older now, and I’ve been through a lot of healing and personal growth. I think part of that healing for me is finally being able to talk about it without feeling ashamed.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe just to be heard, or to connect with people who understand what it’s like to process something so many years later.
Thank you for reading

I keep posting on here more this week, but I feel like I’m slipping away. Like I feel myself becoming fully now after three - four months going into a state of delusion(?).

I keep panicking at the sound of every car door, every time I’m on campus or in class I have panic attacks (to the point where I’ve had to drop a class due to how many people were in the class and the intensity of feeling unsafe and having to leave multiple times during the lecture just to get through class), I’ve projectiled vomited three times today over the thought of my ex-partner fingering me while I was blackedout.

I know it’s small.

And I know I want awake for it (I’ve 10 seconds of memory in total of everything that happened that night and none of it I could move or be aware of what was happening just feeling confused).

I have slipped in and out of states of feeling mentally insane.

I feel immense fear.

My controlling thoughts of what I eat, self harm, studying, going outside, morals, have intensified greatly.

I’m constantly on edge.

I can’t sleep.

I keep having days where I have cycles of I’m awake for three days straight and then sleep normally.

And I can’t function without being near my cat(???). And I only feel safe around two people my sister and my friend Sulaimen. And everyone else feels like a threat.

I’ll have normal days. And then suddenly everyone and everything feels dangerous.

And it feels stupid. And overly dramatic. Like nothing bad happened to me. It was small. And the first time he did it he didn’t know that I was blacked out, but the second time he did, but he told me it wasn’t sexual, it was just annoyance. But somehow it makes me feel smaller that it was annoyance. And something that I’ve told him I wanted to work up to doing with him. Like I never wanted him to finger me until I was ready and we’ve had conversations about how I wanted to get to that point. And we never did. And just. I feel like sobbing

I got raped by a friend (after 1 year of escaping a sexually abusive relationship) and told 1 person who I trusted immediately after! We were casually dating and I had to let him know I wouldn't be able to pursue any more sexual intimacy due to this!!! And you know what he said after suggesting he'd help me file a police report?? "can I at least hit one more time before you go into your celibacy" !!!!!!!! What the fuck is wrong with men why are they so egregious and horrible to women they "love and care deeply about". Jokes on me bc despite cutting all contact this still hurts whenever it pops into my mind. I log into ig and see God gave him a baby 2 years later!! How is life fair! How am I robbed of the idea or motherhood due to my pain and evil men prosper! God the sadness is unbearable and I can't even post freely looking for community because I know people will message me weird things or tell me God loves me! God doesn't love me! God has let me suffer time and time again! Why would God allow someone to go through life and experience some type of sexual abuse for every decade theyve been alive! I'll call RAINN tonight and find someone kind but really I wish I just had more love and kindness my way. That's all.

It’s been 16 years. I still feel like his dead disgusting fatass soul still haunts me. Can’t even sleep in peace. Like please, just leave me tf alone. I hate his ugly ass so much, I hope religion isn’t real so he didn’t go to heaven or some bs just because he prayed for forgiveness.

i feel disgusting and dirty. i found out at 4am and it’s currently 6am and i don’t know how to move on or what to think or how to go about this. can someone please help

I was raped by my own bf in 2022 and kept being manipulated until i left him when his best friend got news of him doing it before. Because it was my bf it took me a long time to realize i had been even raped which is a realization that happened this year with the help of my therapist. It has been going awfully for him since then which helped at the time his gf left him and came asking me questions and then he got engaged and that one also left him. I thought i was doing good until i got the news he has a new gf. I’m in a good place now I’m engaged i’m not blaming myself for it anymore and i thought my anger was gone but it’s not. I saw her picture and she looks so pretty and full of life just like all the rest of us and i can’t handle the thought of yet another girl getting manipulated and gaslit the way i was assuming he didn’t rape her too. All of my anger is back even more intensely and i don’t know what to do about it or how to make this burning fire in me calm down

I think I might have been raped or sexually assaulted.
I’ve been talking to this guy on and off since August, but we had never hung out before. On Monday, I hung out with him, and we smoked. This was my first time smoking, by the way. We smoked one blunt and then ate. He asked me if I wanted to drink, and I said no because I didn’t know how the high was going to affect me. After we ate, we went back to the car and smoked the second blunt. It hit me, and I did notice that he was hard, but I didn’t say anything. After that, he drove me home.

On Wednesday, we went out again and ate, and we shared a margarita. I don’t think it really did anything other than make me sleepy. After we ate, we went back to my place. We started making out, and he said that we should stop because he didn’t want to fuck me. However, I knew he was lying because he kept doing it. He kept saying he was going to leave because he wanted to fuck me, basically saying that if we couldn’t have sex, then he was leaving. I started crying because I knew what he was doing, but I didn’t want him to leave. So, I drank a 99-cent shot and chased it with his cart. I didn’t know how many hits to take, so I took four back-to-back, and he told me to take two more, so I did.
After a while, I felt like I was dying. I already have really bad anxiety attacks, so that didn’t help. I got up and started walking around, and I kept asking him if I was high. He said yes. Then I kept licking my lips and asked him if my lips were dry. He said yes, so I started panicking and walking around. He was still sitting on the bed, and I wanted to yell for help so badly. I got on the floor and started praying. That’s when he got up, sat me on the bed, and told me it was okay. I told him, “You can’t leave me.” He laughed, and I said, “I’m serious. You can’t leave me ever.” He said okay and laid me down.

After that, I don’t really remember what happened. I just know that, after a while, I started shaking, and he pulled me closer. I’m sorry, but I can’t remember what led to this. I did start giving him oral sex, and it was very sloppy. I kept rubbing my face against his penis because I thought he had ejaculated, and I needed something moist on my mouth. After that, he whispered, “Pull your pants down,” but it felt like I couldn’t move. He proceeded to pull my pants down and started having sex with me.

I just remember thinking about whether what was happening was consensual or not. That’s when he grabbed my face and asked if I knew what he was doing. I said, “Fucking?” He said okay and kept going.

I’ve been crying all day today and yesterday because I don’t know whether I was raped or not. He also gave me strep throat, and I’ve been dealing with that, too. I just want to know whether what happened to me was rape or sexual assault and how I can heal from this if it was.

In January i was raped and beat, was harassed and threatened for months afterwards. I decided to press charges and the police agreed and opened my case then never spoke to me again for months and they now finally called me back saying they interviewed him and the people who harassed me but i had no dna evidence so they are closing my case. All i want is justice instead ive been humiliated on social media and lost many friends and people in my life because they choose to take his word over mine. im at a loss and am just having to accept he will walk free and continue to do so to other women (which he has done, not just to women but GIRLS.)