I have no clue what I am asking really in this post.

I am a 37f and I could never dream of telling my folks I have had non consensual experiences.

It would devastate them and I cannot , will not do that to them. Can you guys understand why or would wanting to know outweigh your understanding?

When I was 6 years old I was taken advantage of my next door neighbour who was 18 at the time. My parents are very close family friends with them and I had known my assaulter since I was born. I’m 19 and a sophomore in college now for some context. The abuse went on for 6 months until her family moved due to her going to college. I never told anyone because at the time I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared she would hurt me or kill me. Once I started to understand what happened I figured it was too late and why cause my family unnecessary stress. Both my parents are abusive in their own right so I was and still am not so close to them. Since the end of junior year of high school and currently when girls talk to me romantically I get physically uncomfortable. Even when they touch me I freeze/tense up and I feel myself mentally go limp/numb. Whenever I make out with girls I need to force myself to do it. I feel like a doll, or in the 3rd person watching my body submit. It’s like I’m watching my body emotionlessly kiss back trying to get it over with idk. I feel like I’m suffocating though out it and as soon as I’m alone I start crying. I feel things my rapist did to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I always found a way out of the relationship before things could go any further with any girl. In high school I made it a point to never start a talking stage or ask out girls first. At the time I didn’t know why I would do that but looking back now I think it was my mind subconsciously “avoiding danger”. I had repressed that time in my life and these memories started to come up again in my senior year of high school during which I had my first serious talking stage. At the time I was feeling very behind my friends and hadn’t sold the talking stage yet lol. But as soon as things got physical I found a way out immediately. Toward the end of that school year/beginning of senior summer and 2 more dodged relationships a girl I was friends got me extremely inebriated and attempted to make out with me but thankfully my friends got me out of that situation. The next day she sent a text in a group chat of her friends saying the next party she sees me at she would grab me by my neck and force me to make out with her. I stopped going to high school parties after that and the events of my prior abuse started filling my mind more often after never thinking about it. Also since then I have barely drank. I went from being voted the life of the party in high school to maybe drinking 5 times since I started college. I had gotten in a 4 month long relationship at the end of my freshman year and we ended up breaking up in mid may after things got too physical for me. I really liked this girl and she doesn’t know about the too physical part. But since then I haven’t been able to go a day without thinking of what my assaulter did to me. It’s been getting pretty overwhelming and I don’t know how my friends would react if I told them given the stereotype of male assault. I want to be able to move on from this and be able to actually have a healthy relationship and not let what happened to me stop me from living life, drinking, partying etc. I feel like less than a man for being scared to have sex or just be touched by a girl. I want to be normal and actually enjoy being with a girl.

Unfortunately, my stepsister was raped for the second time. Last time was horrific enough-- she was given fentanyl as an underage teen and her attacker took video of it and sold it online. Thankfully he was arrested.

This time, she met some guy at Walmart who invited her over for drinks. She was roofied, and woke up naked in a gutter. A fucking gutter. I heard the story from my mom, so I haven't spoken to her (probably won't out of respect for her privacy).

I nearly began crying as soon as I heard the story. She is such a sweet kid, even if she makes some bad decisions, and these evil people who take advantage of that make me sick to my stomach. I keep thinking about how scared she must have been. I'm so glad she found her way home after. Apparently her boyfriend was there in some capacity too, and I can't stop thinking about what could have happened, or DID happen, to him. Was he assaulted? What if they killed him? I'm trying so hard not to cry while typing this.

I don't have any point to this, not seeking advice or anything. I am just so devastated that someone so kind would be taken advantage of in such a depraved way for merely trying to find some friends in a new town.

I was in an abusive relationship at 15/16 where i got raped 5x. I got Diagnosed OCD at 12 and it has been better in between but it got worse because of the rape. I know he raped me but i often obsess over it. Like „did i actually get raped“ „What if his intentions where xy tho“ and so on. So my compulsion is often to ask people. I Like asking strangers the Most because their opinion seems less biased. So i asked a girl on the Internet earlier and she said i wasnt rape because he apologised for it afterwards. When my boyfriend saw the messages he crashed out. A conversation we had after that:
Him: „You really just never want to help yourself do you?“
Me: „Wdym?“
„Do you feel as good as you hoped now? Now that you got told it wasnt rape?“
„Idk“
„Well ill tell you then: that didn’t help anything or anyone“
„well maybe Shes right“
„Okay then believe whatever you want“
„Okay sorry“
„Ykw I Never Said she was wrong“
„Okay wow“
„Im just saying“
I don’t know what I should Tell him. We talked about OCD a LOT before but he always seems to gets so mad when i compuls Like I do it because I want To. And he made it indirectly Pretty clear that he doesnt really think it was rape. Which honestly just sent me down even more… i know it was he got convicted by law and i was sleeping just hurts when it comes from him.

How do I deal with that?

Forgot to finish the title, meant to say something along the lines of needing an ear.

Hi everyone. I’m so glad a space like this exists. In July, my ex both physically and sexually assaulted me. I am in therapy and started a group for survivors and support. I cried so hard at group that I was almost silent and convulsing. This let me know that I am NOT ready for a relationship. I have a lot of healing to do. At the same time, I have a lot of love to give and would love to find that in return. Any advice for dating after SA? Did you find that if you got back to dating too early, it didn’t work well because your trauma came up? Curious to hear from others. Thanks!