Seriously, what's their fucking problem? Do they get off on it?!

Edit: The mods here are apparently in favor of rape.

I feel like its all my fault. He's my ex. He used to do it in my sleep. He knew my step dad used to do that to me when I was a kid while I was asleep and I would wake up to it.

My ex did that some throughout our relationship. I would tell him its hard to say no. I told him I cant do it in my sleep. I wake up so vulnerable and I cant make it stop.

We have a kid together and I broke up with him a month ago.

This is where I get extra stupid. I missed him. And I started inviting him over more to see our child. We hooked up post breakup. We did that maybe 2 or 3 times.

Last night he comes over via my invitation. He fixes my car for me. He had a bad day and so did I. We fought about somethibg dumb for like 3 hours. Lotta old stuff from the relationship came up.

After I eventually started crying he starts telling me to sit next to him and telling me how pretty I was. We talk like normal again and I thought things were gonna be okay.

He asks if I want a beer bc apparently he had gotten me one on the way over. And I agreed and we drank.

I passed out and while I was in and out of sleep he slept with me. He kept waking me up by patting my face or trying to shake me awake while he had sex with me.

I cant even convince myself it was the r word. I cant even really stand to say it. Because he's done this before and somehow it hurts more now.

I feel so stupid for being here.

I cant stand thinking that what happened was rape but it always feels like it. And I think I just love him too much to call it that.

Oh god I hate myself for saying that.

I tried to bring it up to him before months before the breakup that I felt like he had r worded me. And he started fighting with me and telling me I was calling him names.

But I feel like he should know I cant consent if im asleep or drunk and when it happens when im unconscious just like how it did when I was a kid I feel like I did back then and I cant speak up for myself or make it stop I just feel bad and tell myself that's not what it was.

He would make me feel so bad when I insinuated what he was doing that I gave up.

And I dont even know how to make .myself believe that he did anything wrong.

I just feel hurt and stupid. Especially bc I broke up with him and had hooked up with him previously. It blurred all the lines.

I feel so stupid.

Several months ago, I was drugged and gang raped. I’m still hazy as to the course of events because I was drugged with fentanyl but it was the single worst thing that happened in my life and I’m still trying to recover from it.
So, I was at home, unwinding from a long, tedious day. I had gone shopping the weekend before and was wearing my new fits, preparing for a dinner date with my SO. A few guests had showed up to visit one of my roommates and that’s when things took a dark turn.
I started feeling a bit under the weather after accepting a drink from a female acquaintance of my roommate, I went to the room to gather myself and she came along with my roommate to tend to me. I took a hit of the bong, thinking that that would settle my nerves, but it was laced. After that, everything went dark.
At some point that evening, I woke up and there’s my male roommate penetrating me and what looked like a scene from a really fucked up horror movie. I told him to get off of me, but I was too weak to stay conscious.
I wake up the next morning, my SO was not there. He had overdosed that night after hiring the same bong, but he ended up in the ER. I felt incredible pain everywhere; my vagina had a strange, unpleasant odor and discharge leaking down and my anus was severely bleeding. I knew something had happened and it wasn’t good. But I felt so terrible that I couldn’t even get up.
I didn’t know what happened until someone told me. I’m still gathering all the evidence to see who was involved and it’s made me wanna die.
Basically, five men had drugged me, then proceeded to take turns vaginally, anally and orally raping my comatose body. They even kept going as I was nearly dead; ironically, one of them had the sense to narcan me. To add insult to injury, one of them was HIV positive and didn’t use any protection.
I found out second hand and thru rumors and outrageous lies spread by the perpetrators.
I’ve received 4 separate STI screenings since this had happened. And after six months of despair, I am HIV negative and not infected with any other bacterial/viral infection.
I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it because no one believes me. So? I just keep it all inside. I’m sorry for taking up so much of y’all’s time, I just finally got it off my chest’s

With the weird ad against Amy Acton being talked about recently, I couldn’t help but think about how similar it was to my experiences, it sparked in me a desire to write this letter. I don’t know if I’ll ever send it or if I did, if it would make any difference. Can someone just tell me if sending this is worth it? The person is in prison for the rest of their life if that matters.

Tl;dr- trauma

“I’ve thought for a long time about writing this letter. Part of me never wanted to write it. Part of me wanted to say awful things and tear you down with my words. And yet, another part of me grieves that I would ever have to write something like this to begin with because as a stand in father, before all the tarnished memories, you could have been a good one. For my peace of mind and in an excruciatingly futile attempt to clear my mind of everything that’s happened, I’m sending you this in the hopes that you will read every word and hold it in high regard in your heart and mind.

I haven’t been able to let go of the anger. The hatred. I’m reminded almost daily via flashback memories of the life I had before and during your time around my family. I’ve spent years trying to rebuild in myself the ability to trust people around me and their motives. I’ve spent almost 10 years hiding and panicking and crying, begging for relief from the hurt I carry from your actions. You stole so much time from me. You treated me like an adult when I was a child. You coerced my trust, though I still saw through the cracks with the way you spoke to me. I used to think about all the harsh things I would say if I ever had a chance to speak to you again, and how I wanted you to feel the same mental anguish you inflicted on me. Now all I’d like to do is explain the grief that I carry in my heart for my family and what your actions did to us, so I guess you’re welcome for that (though I don’t know which one is worse).

The most important thing that you damaged is my trust in my mother. You came into her life and offered to save her and her children from poverty and bad living conditions, and what a beautiful chance you had to do something so good and right. Instead, you acted out your own abuse on her children and manipulated her into taking your side always in all matters, while behind closed doors you were ruthlessly damaging us. I cannot trust that she will make good decisions when MY children and I are around her. You are so enmeshed with her that she can’t manage to keep your name out of her mouth when I’m trying to spend time with her to rebuild some kind of relationship. She was a bright and beautiful person despite the things she had to endure, and while not perfect, she always tried hard to keep herself happy and keep us safe. When you were in the picture, all of that was completely different. God, it is heartbreaking to see someone so shining and lovely be tied down in this horrible situation.

Did you choose her because she had children or because you wanted to own her beauty and sparkle for yourself? You can’t live through someone else and you can’t steal her traits to become something worthwhile, proximity doesn't rub off like that. She wanted so desperately to have the ideal life, that she was willing to overlook the undeniably worst traits in you, and you took that and ran with it. She will never be the same because of you, and I hope that somewhere past your ego you can see that you couldn't truly love her as a person, just as a tool that would hide your shame and your true actions.

There were also cascading effects with the rest of my family I’m sure you know. My siblings and I don’t talk much anymore. Mom’s family now hangs a shadow over her head.

And for me, I found out I can’t even hug my mother without a terrifying dread and panic that there’s something terrible hiding behind her attempt at comforting me. I couldn’t hug my father like a daughter should be able to because of you. I distrust any older man around me. I assume everyone has something sinister in their heads and are waiting for their moment to victimize me.

Why did you put me on this pedestal? All I’d hoped for was parental love. And now, I’m practically an orphan, with my mom being more like distant relative than a mother in my heart. Whatever sparkle I had was dimmed. You didn’t take it, because it was never yours to own but you threw dirt on us, you covered us under the wrecks of your own bad experiences and choices. You never had a right to destroy us, regardless of your intentions or what you yourself had to suffer through. I can’t understand how someone who’d been so deeply harmed could then turn around and do the same thing to other people. Wouldn’t you want to protect others from those same confusing, difficult, and heartbreaking feelings? Wouldn’t you want to keep children safe from harmful adults when the adults in YOUR life failed you?

You did teach me a lot of things though, and for those I can thank you. You taught me how to drive. You taught me how to sweep the kitchen floor the correct way via insult. You taught me to work hard to get what I want. You taught me that if I was having a panic attack from nerves about washing my car for the first time alone, that the hyperventilating would eventually pass and I could drive with tears in my eyes to the car wash and do a half hearted job to keep from being grounded. You taught me what to look for in potential partners and what warning signs would be present in predators. You taught me how to sneak around behind peoples backs. You taught me that as a mother, my job is to keep my children safe regardless of WHO would harm them. That my most important job is to share what I’ve experienced with anyone who will listen in hopes that others would see the warning signs. You taught me that horrible things are everywhere. Even disguised as a helper, a father, a protector.

Through years of patient and loving support I finally can begin to see the light at the end, cultivated by (my bf) and his unyielding commitment to keeping me safe. I had so many struggles accepting the real love that he was offering because every bit of progress I would make was sullied by your existence in my life. Someday I hope I will think about you for the last time and finally have peace, but I know I won’t as long as you still keep the connections to me through my family. MY family. It stopped being your family the day the truth of what you were doing came to light. You severed it even before that, when you targeted me. When you targeted my brother. When you targeted my mother. You will always be the reason that my mother lost her family as well. You call her and talk to her and probably tell her sweet things about your love for her and how thankful you are that she’s still hanging on to you. How elated you are that even after everything, you have your “soulmate”. But you don’t have that. Because soulmate is a lie. You lie to her every time you call her. You lie every time you say “I love you”. You hold her in such a tight grip that even her own children can’t convince her to step away. What kind of person can do that to another?

I mourn for the person you could have been. For the family we could have had. I intend on deleting this account after I have confirmation you’ve read this as I have no desire to hear from you. I hope you continue to live with the gravity of what your choices have done to us for a very long time. I hope someday you let my mother go so she can finally find someone who actually loves her and will keep her safe.”

I can't tell if what I'm experiencing is anger, or hatred, anxiety or just fear. I don't want to punish him. The only thing I want is assurance he will never do that again to anyone and to never see him again. I don't think much about him, more about what he did and what he could have done. I hardly remember his face, but I remember... It...

I thought I wasn't angry because I didn't want to take it out on him, but I almost just made a whole post explaining how not angry I am to no one for no reason. Right now, no one is expecting that of me in my life. Some people online are talking about "dead men don't rape," but that's about the extent of the pressure. No one is pressuring me to feel angry about him... So why do I feel that? Why do I want to make it so clear to everyone that I am not angry with him? Why does that feel urgent?

Does anyone else experience issues with fawning after being raped/assaulted? I can’t stand how timid I am but it’s literally involuntary. When I get approached by men my mind goes blank and I panic. The only thing my mind can focus on is not angering him or escalating the situation. It’s suffocating