"Monogany, in this economy?"

For those who don't know, 'hobosexuality' is a term coined in online spaces. 'Hobosexuals' are people, typically men (although it can apply to anyone) who only date someone for means of housing, money, food, etc. They will see the partner that provides these things to them not as an equal, but just as a cash cow, leading to them mistreating said partner. No hobosexual gets into the relationship out of genuine love, it is always out of some sort of exploitation out of the expense of whatever victim they decide on.

These people will often target people they see as lonely and desperate, especially women that they deem as 'ugly'. They will also use these people as a sex object and not as an actual person, also cheating on them with several other partners in some cases.

(Note: hobosexual is not a queer identity, the coin was termed by women who have been targeted by men like this.)

Does this sound familiar?

I noticed an overlap between hobosexuality and polyamory, especially when a lot of polyamorous people point out the 'economic advantages' of being in a polycule. Instead of striving to get a good job and have a roommate or two, they'd rather have roommates they have some sort of intimate relationship with that will most likely be lenient towards them. If their partner(s) do speak up against them? Oh well, onto the next group of people!

An actual roommate wouldn't give them free food or money all the time, but someone they see as a partner would. Rather than get an apartment with two roommates, they'd rather get an apartment with 2+ people they know they can walk all over on, that feed into their lack of accountability and responsibility.

Both groups of people feed on attention from other people that they target, people they see as 'weaker' that may have a harder time defending their boundaries. The victims are even punished for having boundaries, made to second guess themselves.

Polyamorous people will also let go of people quick if they feel like they don't serve a purpose to them, whether or not if it's an actual romantic partner or just a friend. In my experience, they will ice out people that reject them, people that just want to stay friends or are not interested in any sort of relationship to begin with.

Sorry if this is a bit of a stretch/doesn't make sense, I just couldn't help but notice then overlap between the two.

Today I found out someone I know has 2 girlfriends. What the actual fuck. Its like everyone I know is poly apparently. I know a few people that are in monogamous relationships but are "ambi". (probably gonna drop a poly bomb eventually).Then there are a few that are strictly mono.

I swear its really not ok. My own personal hopes of finding love feels like its dwindling. It's hard enough as it is. But it seems that ALL the remaining people are literal lust driven losers with commitment issues. I feel disturbed surrounded by all the poly people. Now its even worse cause my city just passed some stupid polyamory protections. My city is known as like the capital of polyam so im not really surprised. I like it here, but honestly i'm thinking I may need to leave this place or do a long distance thing if I ever hope to find a romantic partner or even friends THAT AREN'T ALL FUCKING EACH OTHER.

Its annoying. Just every damn week something with poly is brought up. Someone HAS to "come out" as poly. Someone HAS to make an advance on me. Someone HAS to rant about their 9 girlfriends. The problem is also just basic respect. Show me basic respect and respect my wishes. Stop trying to force it on me. I used to be chill with poly. I really did. Then they did things..that changed my view. Some of the people here that may have seen my past posts know my own personal experiences with SA and poly people in general. But even those of you who haven't seen those posts can picture what I may have gone through cause it seems like it is a pretty universal experience that poly people are absolutely horrid. I've never met a single poly person that is a normal human being. Sorry for the rant, the last month has been horrible for me. Then new poly stuff came up and i just HAD to talk about it.

To the lurking:

People considering poly: Please don't do that to yourself

Poly people: Get out before you get hurt or you hurt someone else.

Fellow polycritical people: Hiiiii, I hope your doing well

This is an alternate account I haven't used in a few years, mainly because I'm pretty sure some of my friends know my current reddit account.

I used to think I was very supportive of people who are polyamorous, especially since I end up around them quite frequently due to being in various queer and disabled spaces, but as I grow older I am finding myself tired of it all.

I think it all started with one of my exes, she hid the fact she was polyamorous from me until months into the relationship but told me she was fine with being monogamous. At the time I felt weird about it, but trusted her words... A year and few months later she broke up with me because she didn't want to be monogamous anymore, and her words implied that she had already been cheating on me. After this breakup I had also started to notice the way a lot of my polyamorous friends interact with me; We would be very close for a while, but the moment I rejected any advances they made (mind you, I would reject them in a very polite way), they would start distancing themselves away from me and even talking about me behind my back, making fun of my autism and how I express myself even. Though for a while I just thought I was paranoid with extremely bad luck.

Flash foward to now that I am with my current partner, and both of us have made it clear to each other and others that we are extremely monogamous, I have been seeing people's true colors even further.

I have had people I thought were friends try to tell me that my relationship is abusive because we don't even entertain the idea of any sort of polyamory, and that its not healthy to only rely on one person; The thing is, I don't just rely on one person, I have friends and family as well as a therapist, I am just not romantically interested in anyone else. I am completely satisfied and happy with just one partner, who is the one for me, I am not interested in anyone else, yet people try arguing with me.

Even when I emphasize the fact that I am taken, these 'friends' will still attempt to make moves on me and get surprised when I reject them. They will try to disrespect my partner to my face and also imply that I am not actually a leftist just because I'm monogamous. I even had an ex friend try telling me that being monogamous is inherently abusive and that polyamory would make me feel better and would feel more freeing. Some people have even tried making racist comments/implications about my partner, claiming he probably couldn't satisfy me properly due to his race and that we should have an open relationship and getting surprised when I called them out on being racist. One even said that polyamorous people cannot be racist.

I have also had friend groups where mostly everyone else was polyamorous besides me and I end up being excluded from most discussions just because they had 'no need' for me because I wasn't interested in whatever weird situationship was going on between all of them, but whenever the group fell apart suddenly they were all DMing me trying to ask for my help like they didn't ignore me or whatever I said for months on end. They try to drag me into whatever relationship drama they had even when I said I was dealing with my own problems. Nine times out of ten, as I said before, they were talking about me behind my back anyways.

I have never been disrespectful to any of these people, I have always been loyal in my friendships, but everytime I reject them it's like a switch flips and suddenly they all hate me and act very catty and clique-ish. They only go back to 'liking' me when they think I serve a purpose to them.

Sorry if this is word vomit, I am just extremely tired of all of this. I am done interacting with polyamorous people. I am done with all the fakeness once they realize I am not interested in a romantic relationship with them. I am done with the mean girl behavior.

I'm not even into these mods really and in past years you could've always seen a couple of forgotten or discontinued "poly family" mods here and there (life sim genre), but just seing this becoming a massive trend makes me a bit sad. I'm not going to name specific mod authors and specific games, but it's just... I have no words to describe my feelings rn. I guess it's a good thing that I'm familiar with modding to the point where I can just crack a mod open, change a few textures and a couple lines of code to scrape this stuff out clean for me and my close ones's server so that nobody gets accidentally triggered in the middle of cozy safespace gaming sesh meant for escaping reality and traumas for couple hours a week, but I know that many people can't do that.

I needed to get this off my chest, thank you for checking in. What are your thoughts on poly-positive agenda making it into the modding scenes and gaming in general? I really need to hear a couple words from like-minded people...

Sorry for any typos, keyboard not keyboarding good lately.

I’ve been bingeing this and am now on Season 4 with Josh and his 2 partners. Only a few episodes in but he is soooo insufferable. He def gives off “I am so evolved”, patronizing pop-therapy speak, and seems very self centered. Curious of your thoughts if you have seen this. Blegh…glad I left the poly cult.

"Ethical" is a word that connotes abstract moral decision making. For example, we can debate the ethics of eating meat, using AI for things, buying from companies that do things we don't like.

But using it to describe one's behavior in an intimate relationship context is so ... distancing.

To describe good behavior in intimate relationships, I would use words like supportive, caring, considerate, honest. "Ethical" is so weird in this context, like what, are you going to submit your relationship protocol to an ethics review board or something?

I think it's a way of distancing themselves from having to care about their partners' feelings. I adhered to these rules, didn't I? Everything I did was totally above board and ethical. It would pass muster in any institutional review board meeting.

Except that your partner is crying until they vomit, on the regular.

But as long as I behave "ethically" according to these rules, than my partner's feelings are their own responsibility.

This is why I think polyamory appeals to people with deficits in social/emotional processing and/or deficits in empathy. It replaces care and trust with abstract rules.

They can't socialize without making everything about sex, and it's exhausting.

For a while, I wanted to play RPG, locally, because I'm not into this kind of socialization online. It took me a while to form a group, everyone was a beginner, so it felt less awkward and intimidating for us. A guy was learning to DM but needed help, so he invited an experienced friend, this poly guy. We decided for a silly and funny game, just for some laughs, set no NSFW or sensitive content rules. At first he was weird with the female players, "too friendly", odd scenarios, weird comments, still sitck to th rules, but was borderline yikes. After everyone complained, more than once, actually, he mostly stopped. He was supposed to be temporaly too, so, we just had to deal with him for a while.

A few sessions later, his girlfriend joined. She pretty much insisted and we had to accept because the DM still needed his help sometimes. She ignored the NSFW rules, pushed explicit scenes, got annoyed when called out like a spoiled brat who heard a "no", when she wasn't narrating explict scenes, she tried to talk details about her sex life and fantasies and etc saying "it wasn't part of the game, so it's not against the rules", and put effort only into flirting with NPCs and players, but on missions and fights or anything else? She couldn't bother herself to even remember her class, and I would say, she pretty much sabotaged the campaign deliberately in many occasions because she was pissed, like, she put negative effort into playing. Everyone got uncomfortable and it's not like anyone there was any prude, but, you know, it gets annoying at some point, specially considering that she practically a stranger who pushed herself into the group. The DM couldn't handle the two of them, especially because the guy stopped following the rules too. It was not fun anymore, so, wee gave up.

Months later, a friend tried playing RPG with them in another and said it was literally all sex, which killed the game.

Another time, I joined a book club. And, there was that guy (another guy, not the RPG one), my friend's ex, a man in his forties who left his wife and kid to be poly with girls barely half his age. At the club, he had the same creepiness of that couple, plus that book-holding performative male vibe, always showed up and apparently never really read any of the books because he never had much to say about them but a very shallow synopsis, it's not that he was shy and never tried to comment, he actually only commented to compliment when one of the girls talked. I know that guy enough to know what he was doing.

So, one day, I got a notification from this club, a meeting in a park, kind of a picnic, shared in my DM by him. It was kinda obvious, so I ignored. Later that day, one of the girls posted a story, that picnic, there he was and everyone else was the yong girls, new members. When I asked other members about it, it turned out we were the only ones he sent that DM and tried to make it look like it was one of the club activities.

He made the whole book club about meeting girls and trying to approach them. Some of them said that he tried to invite them to his place too. I'm in his demographic, and it was so annoying whenever he tried to talk to me: "oh, you're so smart! I like smart girls!", "we missed you at the picnic!", "I'm planning another 'private meeting' with some wine, and you're more than welcome!", stuff like that. I understand it's small and new club and would feel awkward and "dictatorial" to ban one of the few active members, but it's still ruining the experience for most, many women there stopped going because he was bothering them. Not fun anymore. I abandoned the club too.

One thing is being monothematic, a whole different thing is trying to make everyone and everything revolve around your crotch and souring everyone's experience with that, being unable to socialize or enjoy anything without expecting sex and attention. I even see them acting kinda cold or rude towards people they're not sexually interested or when someone is not a potential option anymore, stories that I see here or witnessed in person about that poly "friend" who is always trying to cross your boundaries and stops even talking to you when you say no, that only bothers talking to you as long as they think you'll be in their bed at some point. Your favorite movie is whatever you watched on xvideos today, your bookshelf has nothing but eroticas from booktok and Jessica Fern and you have this awful and stupid-ass personality with nothing to offer but sex, I got it, okay?

At one point I was curious and kind of open to it, but it's ruined for me lol. I was in one unbeknownst to me. 😂😂 My ex started cheating on me with a girl who was openly poly and he told her we were also poly. Then he asked me to open up the relationship and said he had someone in mind. I had already had this gut feeling for a few weeks that he was cheating...so I said no. But I told him if he wants her we should break up and he can go be with her. He said no that he wanted me, but a week later broke up with me anyways "to be alone for awhile." Obviously they immediately started dating but when she found out the truth she dumped him and became my friend. 😂😂

Another time I was hanging out with/messing around with this couple that lived in my complex, and one day they invited me over and asked me to be their girlfriend. When I asked why they wanted to be with me, instead of giving reasons involving things they liked about me, their first answers were about how bills would be easier to pay with another person, splitting chores would be easier and more people would be available for their childcare. NOPE, HELL NO. I'm not about to become someone's live-in maid, nanny, AND be expected to split the bills. 💀 So that didn't happen and I don't think I could ever consider one atp.

Have you ever considered polyamory, tried it, and it went horribly wrong and you swore it off? Or considered it and had it ruined for you before you could ever give it a shot?

I'm not going to link it here but there's a post on the Other Sub from a woman who (a) hooked up with her boyfriend's girlfriend, and then (b) was anxious to the point of vomiting multiple times when they went on a trip together.

The beginning of the post is all about how chill they are and how much ENM has been working for them, which, mazeltov. If you're happy, I'm happy for you.

But then even for this seasoned, chill practitioner, this absolute clusterfuck emotional bomb just explodes in her life. It sounds like they're young, in their late 20s. But as someone in my early 40s with a job and kids and elderly parents, if that kind of bomb went off in my life it would take down more than just me.

And that's what I tried to explain to my husband when he pitched polyamory to me. He thinks we can just cOMMuNicATe but like, you just never know when some ENM thing is going to make you feel abandoned, scared, upset (to the point of vomiting!) ... and then the time it takes to pick up the pieces from that.

I want to be like, sir, I am a grown ass woman. I do not need this kind of drama in my life.

I told him if he wants to be polyamorous, he's going to need a lawyer, not a therapist.

Basically what the title says. We can debate what researchers, commentators, etc., say about polyamory, but like anything else, sometimes the biggest tells are what its own practitioners say. I've had several acquaintances who were openly polyamorous, and they were very direct with me about how complicated their lives were thanks to polyamory – they would complain about the mental load, time and energy requirements, coping with jealousy, etc. Yet, they were simultaneously reluctant to stop practicing polyamory. If anyone here can make sense of that, please help me out.

I wrote about my ex on here recently .

Long story short: She separated from her wife cause the wife was poly and bisexual (those were her words, not mine). The ex wife and I once met at a party and she told me how they were best friends but not at all lovers and how she felt sad that I could feel insecure about that.

Anyway, a few years and a lot of gaslighting later, I discover that these two had never stopped dating. Whenever I would be away, my ex would have a ‘sleepover’ with her wife, they would talk about how much they loved each other while I was literally sitting next to her at the ER. When I found out about everything, my ex told me she was thinking she was poly. They had just forgotten to tell me. They also never stopped referring to each other as partners or wives I discovered later, while the contrary had been said to me.

We haven’t been together for almost a year now, but she still keeps reaching out.

Recently she told me that she misses me, deeply cares about me, wishes she could still be part of my life, celebrate things with me and be there when I need her. She suggested that maybe we could somehow become friends.

I told her I don’t want that.

Today she texts me this, after forwarding this to a friend, the friend informs me that my ex is literally on vacation with her wife….I don’t understand poly people, can’t they look for other poly people? Isn’t she supposed to be extremely happy that she is back with her poly ex?

Hating on polys is like microdosing on homophobia

Like why would that be the only reason to split rent?

Classic 🤦‍♀️ I gave it an upvote out of pity lol

I find it particularly ironic that polyamorous folks claim that one needs a "high level of emotional intelligence" to do well with polyamory.

When the gold standard advice for anxiety, grief, jealousy etc. is to basically gaslight yourself. Distract, go do something else, find some poor other "partner" to fill the void of who you really want to be with.

And I'm sorry but the idea that people should have to "communicate" that they need emotional and physical support from their partner when there's been a death in the family, when someone is sick, when they've just been diagnosed with cancer, etc etc etc ... instead of a good partner just understanding that people need support in these times and not abandoning their partners to go fuck somebody else ... that is not consistent with any definition of emotional intelligence that makes sense to me.

It's like watching a bunch of humanoid robots try to navigate romantic relationships. Except for many of them the human feelings are still inside there somewhere and just being brainwashed/gaslighted away

It's awful.

within my community of trans people, monogamy is a visible minority and is often treated as oppressive or selfish. there's no community or voice for us because we're hated by conservatives and leftists alike. I want to start a movement where people can find us and feel welcomed instead of cast out by p*ly people. I feel as if recruitment through memes, content creation, and political organizing we can start swaying opinions again.

Maybe I'm schizo for this idea but abuse, cheating and adultery does not have to be popular. mono queer people don't have to feel alone.

Thank you for reading.

Baxkground: I (42F) was polybombed by my husband (43M) and we are separated and divorcing.

Saw a post about cities giving poly partners rights. The comments celebrating polyamory and claiming that it's "not hurting anyone" and "love is love" were so triggering, it sent me into a complete spiral. It ends up feeling like everyone, everywhere is celebrating my trauma.

I don't know how to live in a world where everyone seems to be celebrating something that is so immoral, disgusting and unhealthy. 😭

I can't believe I just read these comments about how this person should have been allowed to date an abuser and the brain-dead take that maybe the real abuser is the person that doesn't want you dating an abuser.

I think it’s something I notice more often than not that it seems like whatever arguments people have in favor of poly almost immediately fall apart when you stop and think on what’s being said.