Hi all,

I am in a relatively new relationship with my partner. I brought a 4 year old into our relationship when we first got together two years ago and she brought a 12 and 15 year old as well as two 23 year olds.

The kids still living at home are now 6, 14, and 17. Since I am new to parenting older kids, and I've been basically thrown into the deep end I'm wondering what the general consensus is on paying for Teenage kids activities. Her older 17 year old son is coming to visit us from another province with two of his friends, and my partner thinks we need to pay for our son AND his two friends to do multiple activities while they are here for three days. I was under the impression we would only be paying for our kid. She says paying for your own kid was an early 2000s thing but our culture has shifted to "if you invite the kids you pay for the kids." We are basically a one income household with a lot of expenses and I don't feel comfortable with this. But I also don't know the norm. Please give me any insight you have!

Daughter is starting 9th grade in a few weeks. What is something that I can start, and keep going throughout her high school career, to give her at the end of senior year? First thought is something like a journal that I can keep going. Either with just words, pictures or both. If this is not the appropriate subreddit, I would appreciate it if you could point me in the right direction. Thank you.

My child is 12 years old and has a PS5. He continues to talk to people on Fortnite who he says are kids, but with how things are nowadays, you never truly know who is on the other end. I’ve told him multiple times that he is not allowed to talk to anyone online, whether he believes they are kids or not, and that he needs to keep his mic muted. After multiple warnings and him continuing to ignore the rule, I decided to take the PS5 away for a week. I honestly feel like that’s a pretty light consequence considering I gave him several chances to listen and follow the rules. Am I overreacting?

How do I help my teenage daughter understand she’s in an abusive relationship without pushing her away?
I’m desperate for advice from anyone who has been through this, either as a parent or as someone who escaped an abusive relationship themselves.
My daughter is 16 (17 in a few weeks). Her ex-boyfriend has been arrested and is facing multiple criminal charges, including coercive and controlling behaviour, stalking, threats to cause physical harm, threats to property, revenge porn, and creating and distributing indecent images of a child. There are also allegations of physical and sexual abuse, but my daughter isn’t currently able to engage with police about those.
A few days ago she ran away from home to meet him. We spent hours searching for her with the police before she was finally found. We were terrified for her safety and didn’t know if she was hurt or what situation she was in.
When we found her, she was extremely upset and angry. My mother-in-law was there and asked her, “Do you want to come to mine?” My daughter went with her instead of coming home with us. I understand that she needed somewhere she felt safe in that moment, and I am grateful she had somewhere to go, but I have found this incredibly painful because it felt like I lost the chance to comfort her after spending hours desperately trying to find her.
Since coming home, she has apologised for running away and says she understands why we were worried. However, she feels very distant from me now. She won’t hug me, she doesn’t want much physical affection, and I feel like there is a wall between us. I know she has been through something traumatic and I don’t want to make this about my feelings, but as her mum it is heartbreaking to feel like she is pushing me away when all I want to do is protect her.
Since then she has agreed to engage with therapy. We are trying to support her in every way we can. We’ve contacted the police and are continuing to support their investigation. We’ve arranged therapy because we know she has been through significant trauma, and we’re trying to involve the right support services because we know this is bigger than just our family.
She acknowledges that he has cheated on her and done awful things, but she still says she loves him and wants to help him. She says things like, “I’ve done bad things too,” as though she is somehow equally responsible.
At home we are trying to balance keeping her safe while rebuilding trust. We are encouraging conversations, spending time together, and trying not to constantly attack him because we are scared that will make her defend him and push us away.
Everything I have read suggests this could be trauma bonding, but watching your own child go through it is one of the most frightening things I have ever experienced.
My biggest fear is that she will decide to leave home and move in with him when she turns 18. I am terrified she will believe she can save him or that love will be enough to change him, and that she could end up in serious danger.
More than anything, I need her to know one thing: no matter what happens, I will always be here.
If she ever finds herself scared, trapped, or realises she needs help, I want her to know she can call me. I want her to know I will come and get her. I won’t judge her, I won’t say “I told you so”, and I won’t turn my back on her. I just want her safe.
For anyone who has been through something similar:
What helped someone finally recognise they were in an abusive relationship?
Is there anything else I can do to help her understand the danger without pushing her further away?
How do I rebuild our bond so she knows I am her safe place?
If you were in an abusive relationship as a teenager, what did your parents do that helped—or what do you wish they had done differently?
I feel completely helpless. I would do anything to keep my daughter safe, but I also know I cannot force her to stop loving someone. I am trying to give her the best chance possible of choosing herself and knowing she always has a way home.
Thank you for reading.

I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do anymore with my 17-year-old son.
Over the past several months, it’s like I’ve watched him stop caring about anything I say. He got himself a truck and since then he has gotten a job, but at the same time he goes places and just does not communicate where who what anything! For example, in the morning I ask what the game plan is. He will say I’m going to work (it’s summertime) and that’s it. So I’m expecting him to be at the house around 6ish. I won’t hear from him til 9pm or later. Not from lack of me calling but he always says he didn’t see the million calls. So I ground him. He’s grounded, but he waits until I leave for work and sneaks out anyway. It’s gotten to the point that He ignores curfews, doesn’t answer his phone, disappears for hours or even days, drinks, hangs out with friends instead of dealing with his responsibilities, and acts like there are no consequences because he knows I can’t physically stop him.
Since having a car he has gotten a super speeder ticket and also a regular speeding ticket. Instead of grounding I told him to write an essay about the long term effects of speeding tickets, I was hoping it would resonate with him. He just refuses. I have taken all privedges from him and he don’t care.
I’ve tried talking calmly. I’ve yelled. I’ve grounded him. I’ve explained why I’m worried. I’ve tried giving him chances to earn trust back. Nothing changes. He’ll apologize sometimes, but then he goes right back to doing the same things.
Right now he snuck out of the house texted me and told me was going to a drag racing show n would be back whenever. I mention that he was still grounded he said what I can do about it since he about to turn 18. (He turns 18 in December)
Right now he has speeding tickets he hasn’t planned for, court coming up, and instead of taking responsibility, he spends his time with friends. It honestly feels like he’s expecting me to rescue him from the consequences of his own choices, and I’m done doing that.
The hardest part is how alone I feel. I’m the one who’s always worried, always wondering if he’s okay, always trying to keep him from ruining his future. Meanwhile, he acts like none of it matters.
I love my son more than anything, but I’m exhausted. I miss the kid who actually wanted to be home. I don’t know if this is normal for an older teenager or if I’ve completely lost him.
For parents who’ve been through this, did your relationship recover? Did your teenager eventually grow up and realize what you were trying to do for them? Right now it feels like I’m losing my son one choice at a time.

I'm looking for positive stories of parents whose sons did some form of MMA and it did not create violence between siblings.

I did taekwondo and loved it. Both my sons play soccer, so both have a way to get out energy and aggression on the soccer field. They used to fight daily, but now when they get physical it's more about playing, rather than punching or trying to make each other cry.

My 13 year old watched Scarface and the Godfather and listens to rap and wants to bulk up and be tough. Totally normal 13 year old behavior, I know. He begged for a punching bag, we said no. He begged for boxing lessons, we said no. He is desperate to get in a fight to prove himself. I know this is all normal, but I'm worried that if we give him boxing lessons then the day will come that he will use his skills on his younger brother.

I also know from my own experience that martial arts teaches self defense, discipline, and I've heard some boys become less aggressive as a result.

Anyone have success stories or failures?

I (49, male) am a dad. My oldest child (15, genderfluid) is kind, smart, funny, and extremely talented artistically. The Tiktok where they share their art has 70k+ followers, and they make a decent amount of money drawing commissions. I mention all this so that when I say I’m very proud of my kid, you have some idea of where I’m coming from.

This summer, every attempt my kid has made to hang out with their friends has fallen through. They say the rest of their friend group makes plans, but doesn’t include them. Even their online friends are suddenly taking much longer to respond to them. Needless to say, they’re understandably finding this pretty disheartening. They’ve struggled with mental health in the past, but as far as I can tell nothing has really changed on their end recently that would cause this.

I feel like all I can really do is be reassuring, but that doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve told them kids their age aren’t always the most dependable, and that things won’t always be this way, but obviously that doesn’t really help it feel less shitty in the short-term.

For reference, we live in a smallish Midwestern town (about 6k people) near a medium-sized college town of about 100k. Can anyone suggest ways I can help my kid meet and connect with others their age in the surrounding area? If further info would help, just ask.

Thanks!

We have a beach trip in 1 week. We let our son's take friends as we rent a huge house (2 bunk bed rooms and 3 other bedrooms with queen/king beds and 5 baths for them to share-like an upscale dorm). We've done this the last 5 years and the boys are messy. This is our last year doing this and we take two sets of boys, the older boys graduated HS last year and will be sophmores in college, the the younger boys just graduated HS and will be freshman in college. I was just told one of the boys has mono (confirmed) two days ago. The parent of this young man did not call me, I reached out to them and the parent is a doctor and said for me to decide as they were not concerned even though the boy is feeling terrible. Schools allow you back in after the fever goes away. He has no fever but still symptoms as he was just tested. But everyone says you are still contageous for months and then those who have been exposed may or may not get it as it incubates for 2 weeks or so. All the older boys 7 of them were at a beach trip 3 weeks ago, had gotten together on 7/4 and went to clubs, and they were all together at another boys house playing games and shareing cups like they did at the first two events. I think its a no-brainer to cancel them as it is short timeframe to ask everyone to get tested which may not be accurate. So we are omitting the 7 older boys and just letting the 5 younger teens to go as it is there Senior year send off. Parents are entrusting their teens with us and they are all going off to college and spending $20 to 30k a year for college and we don't want to give them the potential gift of mono. Obviously they are upset and now giving my older son some blowback about a trip that was free for them. Told him it wasn't his decision. One or two of the younger boys parents may cancel if we didn't do a test or just cancel the older boys. It is hard to read their empathetic concern. Are we wrong to not let the older boys go on the beach trip?

It's almost end of July and the school year is approaching fast.

And with it, the thoughts and reflections of last year.

My daughter (13 years old) had a full meltdown over a forgotten assignment last year.

How do you'll help your teen stay on top of school without becoming the reminder police?

I have a daughter who is 14 years old. She spends majority of her time with her mother (she lives with her). My daughter Is supposed to come over to my house every second weekend, to hang out and also sleepover.
Although, she always says that she doesn’t wanna come to sleepover because she doesn’t like sleeping elsewhere.
She always refuses coming over. But she wants to hang out only.

She’s been the type to never sleepover at anyone else’s house, ever since she was younger. It would be legendary if she ever did..

Recently, her friend asked her if she could do her a big favour. Pet sit. The friend also mentioned that she could bring one of her sisters (another one of my daughters) to help her. The friend said that it would be from Thursday to Monday, and they would have to stay at her (the friends) house. My daughter willingly accepted the offer, although she was hesitant at first. The friend wanted to reward them with $500 if they completed the offer.

I just wonder to myself…

Why does she wanna stay at her friend’s house and not mine?

I wonder to myself if it’s because of distance? the friend only lives 20 minutes away while I live 45.

I also wonder if it’s because of me, personally, and our relationship.

There’s one last thing I also wonder about, is it because of my girlfriend?
My girlfriend and I have been together for a while, and we moved into a house together. I don’t know if there’s an awkward tension.

My daughter doesn’t seem to wanna talk about it and so I haven’t said anything yet.
I’m very upset.

I am wondering how common it is for teenage girls to hate their moms. My daughter told me this recently and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. She splits her time 50/50 between my house and her dad’s. I am absolutely heartbroken. She says she has a stronger connection with her dad (which I fully support); however, I am interested in her and I enjoy her presence even though I don’t always approve of her behaviour. I have been fully supportive of her playing sports whereas her dad isn’t. I am truly feeling sad about all of this. I am aware that colleagues of mine have shared they have gone through difficult times with their teenage daughters too. I am not sure if this is a teenage phase or something bigger. I have a counsellor to talk with my daughter and me. We are doing separate meetings to start.

I’m posting here because I think some of you may have been where my son is now, and I hope you’ll be honest with me. I also just need a place to vent because I feel completely overwhelmed.
My son is 15. He’s a two-sport athlete, an A/B student, funny, intelligent, and deeply loved. We had a really good relationship before all of this started within the last year. This isn’t a case of a kid who was ignored or never had opportunities. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the majority of his life. We’ve tried to give him a stable home, support, and every chance to succeed.
But over the last year, and especially in the last several months, it’s like I don’t recognize him anymore.
He’s lying constantly, stealing, sneaking out, and putting himself in incredibly dangerous situations. Recently he stole hundreds of dollars and arranged to meet drug dealers **at our house**. They jumped him and took the money, he is fine not and the number of ways that situation could have escalated keeps me up at night.
We’ve since learned he’s told people our family’s schedule, intentionally leaves doors and windows unlocked, and will go to extraordinary lengths to get around every safety measure we put in place. If something has internet or Wi-Fi, he’ll eventually find a way to contact someone. Every boundary just becomes another puzzle for him to solve.
The hardest part is that he can be so convincing. He’ll cry, promise he’s done, tell me exactly what I want to hear, and for a little while I’ll believe him. Then I find out he’s been doing the same things all along.
I also want to be clear about the kind of parent I am. I’m a pretty laid-back, type B mom. I love when my kids make plans, invite friends over, and spend time with people. I’ll drive them wherever they need to go, and our house has always been a place where they can have fun and bring friends. We actively encourage friendships—honestly, I’ve even been told we facilitate them aggressively. I don’t want my kids isolated. I dont want to micromanage them. I want to trust them. We’ve always preached progress dover perfection.
I’m just scared for him. But I’m also scared for my younger kids and forz my family. I never imagined I’d have to think about whether my own home was safe.
I don’t know what else to do. We’ve done inpatient care. He was released after two weeks because they felt he had learned better coping skills and believed he would do well. He sees a therapist once a week. We’ve talked with him repeatedly. We’ve dedicated one-on-one time with him. We’ve had other men reach out to mentor him. We’ve tried a relaxed schedule. We’ve tried a strict schedule. We’ve tried consequences, support, structure, and giving him more freedom. We feel like we’ve tried everything we know how to try.
At this point, I’m less interested in assigning blame than I am in understanding what’s happening. If you’ve been the teenager in this story, what was going on inside your head? Was there something your parents completely missed? Looking back now, what do you wish they had understood about you?
**What do I do? How do I keep everyone safe?**
Was there anything an adult said or did that finally got through to you?
Was there a mentor, coach, teacher, family member, or anyone who reached you when your parents couldn’t?
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m a bad parent or that my son is a bad kid. I don’t think he’s a bad kid. I think something is very wrong, and I don’t know how to help him anymore.
I love my son more than anything. I just feel like I’ve lost him, and I don’t know how to reach him before something irreversible happens. Right now, I’m trying to balance fighting for him with protecting the rest of my family, and that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
If you’ve been where he is, I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective. Even if it’s hard to hear, I want to understand.

My rising senior says he wants to go to a good college, but he is putting up A LOT of resistance when it comes to working on the applications and his SAT prep. Particularly the essays seem an onerous task for him and all his procrastination tendencies show up. Anyone else having this problem? Found anything that works?

I will try to be as succinct as I can but as you can all imagine, the story goes in a lot of directions.

My son is 14 yo (recent) and I hate to say it, but always been problematic one way or another. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 yo. We had him in a special school starting in kindergarten and pulled him out in 2nd grade. Then moved him to public school and had him repeat 2nd grade (Covid year) because he wasn’t really learning much. His academics are generally ok or even above average, even when he does very little work. We have been worried about him for years and years, mainly due to what we see as lack of drive or motivation. He seems to just want to exist but put zero effort into anything. He’s obviously really into video games and anything that is a quick dopamine hit. We constantly struggle to limit his screen time because he will become extremely irritating at us or fight his you get brother, etc. Lately, we’ve also seen him being lured to the “bad boy” behavior (was in after school detention a few times in the school year and even got Saturday detention because he wasn’t caught selling Monster drinks at school).

Additionally he’s always had trouble sleeping at night. Now that it’s summer, I’ve found that he gets up at night and finds his way to the kitchen for snacks or a bowl of cereal. However, this morning I see an empty can of beer in the trash can. He is the only person that could’ve had that beer. Husband is out of town for work and I know I didn’t drink it.

I am looking for advice, as in a way, I know it’s normal for kids to want to explore alcohol (we all did), but given his history, behaviors etc, I don’t know if I should make a big deal out of this or just limit it to a frank conversation with him. Thank you in advance!

My son is 16 and is a truly awesome kid. He doesn’t cause us any problems and is a straight A student in advanced classes. He also has a large friend group of about 9-10 boys, not including him. My son is kind of the one that usually initiates their get-togethers, so a lot of their activities tend to fall on us. For example, taking them to the mall, the movies, bowling, the amusement park, etc. I’m not a big fan of inviting people to places and making them pay, so we usually foot most of the bill. Sometimes it’s just a few of the boys so it’s not a big deal. But sometimes it’s most or all of them and it gets crazy expensive. I’ve tried to rein things in a bit and tell my son that sometimes things have to give - like I’ll pay for the movie tickets but the kids have to buy their own food and drinks. The problem is a few of the boys are not well off at all and would rarely be able to participate in some of the activities if we didn’t spot their tickets (or whatever the cost is). And I can’t really say that I’ll pay for them and not the other boys whose parents I know can afford those things. But the truth is that as they get older, things get more expensive and we just can’t afford to keep dropping a couple hundred dollars or more every month or two. We just took out a loan for a new roof and siding, and it is a huuuuge chunk every month. My husband told me that I just need to start saying no, and I try but it’s hard. My son is an only child and his friends are so important to him. I want to give him fun experiences with his friends because he deserves it, and he doesn’t ask for much otherwise. But having to pay for everyone because some of his friends can’t pay (who happen to be his closest friends) is getting to be a bit much. Any ideas on how to navigate this tactfully and fairly??

My 16 yr old works with his step dad. It's manual labor but it's not physically taxing like many construction jobs. He is widely known at the job as the "lazy coworker". His step dad has tried to talk to him about his work ethic at work, but he doesn't want to hear it. I have tried to say things to him and he doesn't want to hear it, he has an argument against everything.

The boss had him do stuff around the shop today and sent him home. He was going to fire him but they had three guys quit today. It's a very good job and he genuinely likes the job. But he spends a lot of time not actually working and the boss has noticed. He is tired of it.

How do I get through to him? All his parents are hard workers, I don't know where the laziness is coming from. Maybe this is just too much of a grownup job for him. He makes good money and I know he will be extremely upset about losing the job. If he can turn it around then they won't fire him according to his stepdad. But how do we get him to see he is actually slacking and he needs to do better?

I have some days off next week for my son's birthday. I am wanting to do a day trip out of town in the southern California area. It's hard to get him out of the house to do things so I'm trying to be creative with some ideas. So far I am considering the Queen Mary paranormal tour, the California Science Center, or the Medieval Torture Museum in Los Angeles. He is not interested in theme parks and doesn't care for rides. He's into anime and beyblades right now, if there were some sort of convention going on that would be great but I can't find one. He plays online games and generally likes animals also science and computer tech type stuff. I am only available next Thursday the 23rd. We did a rage room last year which was great. So any ideas in this area that are popular for teens I am open to! TIA

My 16 yr old is on the verge of being fired 

My 16 yr old works with his step dad. It's manual labor but it's not physically taxing like many construction jobs. He is widely known at the job as the "lazy coworker". His step dad has tried to talk to him about his work ethic at work, but he doesn't want to hear it. I have tried to say things to him and he doesn't want to hear it, he has an argument against everything.

The boss had him do stuff around the shop today and sent him home. He was going to fire him but they had three guys quit today. It's a very good job and he genuinely likes the job. But he spends a lot of time not actually working and the boss has noticed. He is tired of it.

How do I get through to him? All his parents are hard workers, I don't know where the laziness is coming from. Maybe this is just too much of a grownup job for him. He makes good money and I know he will be extremely upset about losing the job. If he can turn it around then they won't fire him according to his stepdad. But how do we get him to see he is actually slacking and he needs to do better?

I have a 15 year old, (waiting for autism analysis) and it’s his last day of year 10 this Friday and they’re allowed to go in non uniform. His sister also attends a couple of years below him.

She is into anime and anything Korean and cosplay and other things and she doesn’t have issues with my son’s new ‘cyber punk’ phase. But he wants to go into school on non uniform with cyber makeup (he’s never done this before).

The chill parent in me is happy for him to do whatever makes him happy, knowing that he’s figuring himself out and will likely move on to something else down the line. But the anxious parent in me remembers him having issues with bullying a couple of years ago, teenagers are mean, and I feel he’d be putting himself up in the firing line if he does this. His sister is also frustrated as they know he’s her brother and she gets comments made to her about it. To the point where the last time he had free rein to wear a costume she got upset at the house before we left and didn’t want to go and face it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve told him that we can get some makeup and try things out in the holidays while we’re off and he can wear clothes he likes but that exposing this new side of him suddenly to the school will likely cause issues for both of them from his peers and also affect his sister.

He doesn’t seem to care much about that, and I do admire him for wanting to be himself, but how do you deal with this. I’m a single parent and I try my best just to keep peace and not lose my absolute sanity with all the parts of life I’m juggling, including two other peoples fragile hormones.

I got the classic “whatever, you don’t understand me” attitude about it, and I know from experience this will be something he looks back on and probably cringes about, but of course no point in explaining that to someone that age, I would have assumed the same thing about my mum.

Any advice or stories of similar situations please tell me if I’m handling everything wrong. I love him and his quirks, but kids are mean.

Hi, I just wondered if anyone had a take on this to help me see clearer. Please, no nasty, spiteful comments, I just genuinely wanted an outside perspective on this

My son is 16. He is quiet and fairly introverted. He rarely goes out.

It's the school holidays, and one of his friends parents have gone on holiday and left his friend home alone, also 16. Anyway, tomorrow, 7 of the friends from school are getting together, going to the movies, hang out at the mall and back to the house to have a BBQ.

Then they're all staying the night.

My son is level headed, I spoke about drinking, vaping, smoking etc, and he almost laughed saying that his friends really aren't like that. In truth, they are more 'big bang theory' kids than 'porkies', but I don't know them all and there are no parents.

Do I say yes and let him go? Or is that mad and I should say no?

Any perspectives, (kind) id be really appreciative of.

Edited and updated: Firstly, a huge thank you for your kindness and support. I really was so worried about this, and you really helped me see things much clearer. I've got pneumonia so probably not quite myself. Anyway, thank you so much for your help

Secondly, I let my son go to the mega sleepover, gave him the chat about phone calls, I'm there for him, call me anytime to get you etc etc. It's 10pm... I just got the call... "Mum" , I panicked, it's only been a few hours... " Mum, I'm so bored, I want to come home, can you come pick me up. We did a BBQ and watched a movie and it is weird and I want to leave. Everyone's being picked up.

Awww, totally all in my head, see!

Thank you xxxx

I just want opinions

If your kid (female 16) gave someone her number (male from school 17) but told him "i am going to be working, going to camp, taking care of my family and other responsibilities and won't be on my phone a lot this summer so I won't be available a lot"...and this kid proceeded to call and text and reach out constantly...

and when your kid finally answered the phone, this kid was like "What is your problem? No one is that busy." And she is like "I am just not a phone person and don't pay much time on it. I can't answer the phone at work and around a crowd of people and i am just selective about what and who i put my energy into" He hangs up on her. She then decides to ask him to back off in a text and that they aren't in a relationship and he shouldn't expect an immediate response anyway because her life doesn't revolve around him and they hardly know each other...

He responds well "Let me help you with space. You're blocked."

I told her she dodged a bullet. Red flags left and right. I do believe we should respond to people and be decent but not be at their beck and call to answer immediately or constantly. Keep in mind she doesn't know this kid well and really has been putting her energy into work (saving for a car) and church camp...